My entire review is basically going to sound like a copy-paste of everyone else's reviews to this movie, but it honestly can't be helped. It's Blair Witch Project, but replace the witch idea with something from The X-Files, and surprisingly just as bad. Yes, there's a reason this movie is being compared to Blair Witch Project, and that's because it's basically just aping it. You sit for the next hour and a half WAITING for something to happen, and when the actual payoff comes (which looks pretty awesome, might I add) you're long done with it.
It doesn't try anything interesting with it's story (based on the Phoenix Lights event) nor with the four footage genre, and that's a complete tragedy given the awesome idea behind it. Even Apollo 18 was better than sitting through this.
Look, I'm not saying the movie was bad because it's a movie based around Emojis, that's one of it's major problems, but at the same time one of the least you should be worrying about. Yeah, it'll make sense.
I can give movies with unusual ideas a go, and that's if I'm even interested in watching it. If they could manage to turn something as plotless as Legos into one of the best animated films of its year, as well as whole, then, hey, why not give it a go with other products that have no real story behind them?
Well, it seems that they attempted that with The Emoji movie and Patrick Stewart-ed all over it. First and foremost is the entire idea of it trying to appear hip, trendy, and every typical crap you'd expect a movie desperate to appeal to smart phone users.
Now we move onto story and plot...yeah, I can't keep a straight face with that one. THIS is the movie's BIGGEST problem. The story and plot behind this are cringe and painfully unoriginal. The movie doesn't even try to use its "be who you truly are" narrative and try something more...fresh with it. Hell even garbage like Cars managed to try something "fresh" with it's fish out of water and Doc Hollywood rip off storyline (and I'm only saying Cars is better than the Emoji movie when compared, because a good movie it's not anyway). No, you get exactly what you'd expect with a movie using that storyline. The lead character is different, causing it to backfire, they are trying to force him to be like everyone else (eg. a "normal", one-reaction type of Emoji), and results in the corporation trying to annihilate him. That's as easy as I can make it for you, and you can pretty much guess how it goes from there. The different guy meets another person who's also unusually different, they try to fix his problem, and it turns out at the end he really shouldn't have to conform to what society thinks. Why be the same schtick when you can stand out?
There was so much potential for this movie to also explore commentary on social media and the users, but they drop it immediately because the movie would rather focus on product placement than anything else (yeah, trust me when I say they literally make a huge emphasis on selling Candy Crush, Facebook, and Youtube Cat videos than selling a good story). One conversation is how the phone user has so many friends and why he's so popular, and the High-Five emoji states how they're not real friends, but people who just like him. We don't get past that, because they'd rather go on to yap about Spotify and other unoriginal crap. The people behind this couldn't even be bothered to take advantage of the social media apps to explore the kid and give us some more depth into him.
Then, we have my PERSONAL favorite complaint, and it's the lack of LOGIC behind it. I don't care that the emojis live in a world of their own, that they communicate, etc. To Hell with that. What bothers me is how it doesn't even seem to realize how absurd its setup of the Emoji world is. Apparently, Textopolis isn't a city that every phone out there is universally connected to. No, EACH PHONE has their own Textopolis. This brings up many questions and concerns.
The Emojis don't want to be deleted because of the mayhem Gene's stupidity has caused on the phone (another point I'll bring up momentarily), but yet if thought about logically, what happens when people upgrade to new phones? People get new phones every year and data is lost, therefore the entire idea of an individual, conscious Textopolis in every phone makes no sense, because the horrifying fact is that those emojis are going to be wiped out once people get a new phones. It would just have been a REALISTIC approach if Textopolis had been a world of its own within a branch of the Internet, not just one different city in each phone.
The other logical fault to this is how only the "main" human seems to be suffering from phone troubles thanks to Gene. You can't expect me or anyone else to believe that this hasn't happened before in SEVERAL OTHER phones. Which actually leads me to the kid's phone glitching. Why does the phone and the apps start acting up, get played, and activate when the Emojis travel to and mess around in them? I'm positive the kid's phone (I keep calling him kid because I didn't even bother remembering his name, since the humans only exist just to exist) should not be the only one glitching, making sounds, playing music randomly, and games opening up because I'm positive every other phone has had Emojis traveling around and using apps.
Finally, why does Textopolis have an entire company dedicated to where Emojis go to get used? This alone makes no sense whatsoever. Opening up text apps and emoji text boards in your phone happens in mere seconds, and somehow they can predict when people are about to open up their messages and the Emoji characters (the most popular ones used) literally line up in chambers to be selected. What happens when none of the emojis people want are in Most Popular? Do they haul ass to find the Dragon Emoji since it's not in the lineup? Do they teleport the Salsa Dancer or Pregnant woman Emoji when they can somehow predict the users are going to pick those? None of this makes logical sense. It would make more sense sense if, like a State Farm worker, the emojis just vanish for a second or so (all of the emojis; a new one at a time for turns, since evidently Textopolis can't have such a small amount of Emojis with only one of each, and a handful of different skin colors), and then reappear back on spot once it went through.
The characters in the movie are also not original, so I won't even bother. Another fine example of what NOT to do in a movie is making dry, boring jokes. The movie tries to throw you clever jokes or even forced ones, and none are funny. The CLOSEST this movie got to getting a giggle out of me was when Smiler (Maya Rudolph) comes into the office, and tells another Emoji "I am so ANGRY right now, ahehehe," all while holding onto her gigantic, toothy smile. She was technically my "favorite" character, because I tend to love bright, cheerful, somewhat diabolical, and extra smiley characters, but she still didn't manage to win me over. Her attitude in the movie essentially ruined any chances of my adding her as a real favorite.
However, I will defend it in one way: it is NOT worse than Food Fight. No sir. In Emoji's defense, and take into mind that the following is just "for what's worth", it's actually beautifully animated and has a "better" story (whereas Food Fight couldn't even be bothered to find out what its own plot really is).
I'l stop there because there's just too much to complain about.
But on a final note, that's not how wiping your phone's data completely works either.
"What the hell did I just watch?" Is the best way I can summarize my reaction to this entire crap. Everything done here was just a big mess of desperate ideas to grab any idiot's attention. It's so incoherent that I wonder who honestly passes the scripts. Anyone here who can sit through this movie without face palming at least once is a better person than I am.
In all honesty, this film just feels like a parody of the Transformers film. As proof of this, you get Optimus taming a giant robot dinosaur, riding on it's back & wielding a giant sword.
We then get some of the large amounts of inconsistencies to the actual Transformers franchise & stuff that makes no sense. Such as how the hell can Crosshairs have a trench coat form out of his mechanical body? Unless the metal was some sort of liquid metal he could control, there is no possible way such a thing would form. Then there is Drift; now in the franchise Drift always had an Asian/Japanese-esque influence to him, that's it. Bay decides to stereotype this Japanese influence to the max such as making a Samurai & giving the accent to top it off. Then comes Optimus Prime who in reality should be called Bawwptimus Whine! The majority of the film consisted of Prime whining & complaining, & how he was only going to set his friends free & after that he was done helping humanity. Seriously.
Finally, the biggest lack of logic are the Dinobots themselves. Who are these bots? Why the hell do they transform & act like dinosaurs when these aliens are only supposed to transform into other vehicles? Why do they not speak? Nothing about this makes any sense.
This actually leads me to the plot itself...lol sorry couldn't a straight face on this one. The "plot", or lack thereof, is so bloated & overdone that it amazes me. Bay has not only butchered the Transformers characters themselves, but the entire franchise. The whole film revolves around the Autobots being helped by humans in order to save their friends & that's it. After that the Autobots don't want anything to do with humans. The "plot" then goes on this blasted rampage of almost nonstop action & explosions & special effects that I actually got bored through it all. Let's also not forget how Bay suddenly decide to make "history" by lecturing everyone that the dinosaurs were actually wiped out by the mechanical alien race (seriously), hence where they discover the Transformium.
But the ultimate death of this film, prior to any of the weird fight scenes, was that desperate move to add a quick cameo of Rainbow Dash from MLP. Was Bay so desperate to give propaganda that he resorted to putting a character from a little girls show that will give a raging hardon to the horse fuckers that worship it? Really? Maybe Bay is a brony too. The film as a whole is nothing more than a large amount of product placement, but the desperation was there when one of the scientists was holding onto the MLP character created out of Transformium. (this product can transform into anything the holder wants it to, & the guy decided on Rainbow Dash. Fucking seriously.)
I also lol'd so hard at the Superman-ripoff ending this had.