Mr.'s Review of Disaster Movie
It's been a while since I've written a review for a terrible movie. So here we go.
Technicallly, I didn't pay to see this movie. It was on Showtime On Demand (which I pay for collectively), and I had to know if it was as bad everyone else says it is (save for the guy from Australia who gave this movie its only positive review). I can honestly say that this is NOT the worst movie I have ever seen . . . because that would imply that this was an actual movie with a script and dignified performances. But, this might be one of the worst EVENTS in human history, wedged somewhere between The Holocaust and Pauly Shore's career.
I'm 147% sure that this movie took longer to watch than it did to write. These "jokesters" Friedberg and Seltzer obviously had no real contribution to the first three Scary Movies. In fact, I remember watching the deleted scenes for Scary Movie 3, and recalling that each and every one of them resembled scenes from their recent parodies, i.e. Anna Faris fights aliens with a staff ala Matrix Reloaded, and throws up all over them because she is spin kicking them so fast. "Yeah that's a really funny joke guys." said The Zuckers. "In fact, it's so funny, we're going to put it exclusively on the DVD, so only the REAL fans can see them." I actually feel bad for the MPAA for having to sit through this in order to give it an official rating!
The movie begins in 10,001 B.C. (Get it? One year before 10,000 B.C. but I have a feeling these idiots thought 10,001 came AFTER 10,000 B.C.) where a guy gets stepped on by a mammoth and catches a faceful of poo. Then Amy Winehouse comes out of nowhere and tells him that the end of the world is coming before she drinks a fifth of scotch and belches in his face for a minute and a half in order to pad for the directors. What does Amy Winehouse have to do with disaster movies? Absolutely nothing! But you may be thinking to yourself "Surely there has to be a point to this scene." You would be giving this movie too much credit . . . and don't call me Shirley!
It was all a dream! Ha ha! That's a really funny joke guys, wasting everyone's time like that! A guy wakes up from his unfunny dream, only to find Flava Flav and midget laying next to him and his girlfriend. Yeah Flava Flav is kinda talked about, so he's fair game for this movie!
Then comes one of the most excrutiatingly awful scenes in the movie: the dude's birthday party. The whole movie is terrible, but this is the point of no return, and it's only eight or nine minutes in. Anton Chigurh (spelling?), Dr. Phil, Angelina Jolie from Wanted, Juno, and the entire cast of High School Musical have a big singalong! Hooray! Now I can kill myself knowing that hell couldn't possibly get worse than this! And this is an extremely long song, at least six minutes of pop culture references and bad wigs.
Then something disaster related actually happens! Winds start blowing, snow starts falling, and flying cows take out every superhero within range. I'm going to save you the rest of the details on this riviting plot and just tell you that things don't get ANY funnier from there. Just imagine movie trailers from 2008, then imagine those characters getting hit in the groin, hit by cows, or hit in the groin by cows, and you have Disaster Movie in a nutshell. And not a happy-go-lucky nutshell either, but a depressing Alice In Chains Nutshell (look it up Generation-Y bastards).
And is it too much to ask for a cast of more than ten people. It's just the same MadTV sketchers over and over again. I actually used to have respect for Ike Barinholtz, but seeing him play Chigurh (again, spelling?), Wolf from American Gladiators, Hellboy, Batman, and Beowulf, among others, has blasted that respect all the way to Middle Earth from here.
It enrages me that useless, space-consuming "garbage" (pronounced gar-boj) gets theatrical release, and makes bank. Meanwhile, Kick-Ass has trouble staying afloat, and we have to wait two years for Trick 'R Treat to get a DVD release. There are 40,000 screenplays being sent in to studios every year, and this number has doubled in light of the recession. You can't tell me that most of those are much worse than a movie with no real "jokes", with pop culture references that people won't even remember two years later. There are way more talented people than this getting the boot from Hollywood.
My local Hollywood Video store is closing down, and I've been cleaning them out of DVD's and Blu-Rays like they're going out of style. I came across Disaster Movie on Blu-Ray. This cheap-looking, unfunny, parody of parodies is taking up the HD space for what could be a real masterpiece, but the sad thing is that someone will buy it and pass by District 9 and Sherlock Holmes without a second glance.
Even at 75 minutes long, this movie is a complete waste of time. You're better off spending that hour and fifteen minutes making macaroni art or eating graphite from pencils. I cannot emphasize my disgust for these movies enough. And it isn't enough to just "not watch them". They're still there, and other potential cinematic victims are still lining up to see it. All we can do is hope that real comedy makes a comeback, and that these movie never see the light of day again. It actually hurts that I have to post a 10% rating first in order for it to register, because it is forty percent more than it rightfully deserves.