Vampire Reilly's Movie Ratings - Rotten Tomatoes

Movie Ratings and Reviews

Mommy
Mommy(1994)

Worst Movies Ever Made Part 4 of 12:

Mommy (1994)

I got this movie in a "Horror Classics" 10 pack for Christmas one year, I assume it came from JV Bargins. It is so so so damn bad that I laughed!

It's about a little girl who's mum is psychotic (she also killed her father a few years ago) and wants her to do well and then after her mother murders her teacher for not giving her the class mate of the year award a big investigation starts and more people start dropping off.

This movie is full of cheesey dialogue and diconnected voice-overs by the little girl that suggest that this movie is intended as a poignant family drama.

The mother seems to love her daughter so so much yet there is this totally random scene at the end in which the mother tries to kill her! I laughed during that scene because their idea of a climatic scene involves a dog coming out of nowhere and attacking the mother and in this very scene the girl hits her mother with a metal bar and then the mother begins a speech of "who loves you more than anything on God's green earth?" and the daughter breaks down sobbing and embraces her mother, Yes you mother who just tried to kill you for no reason loves the shit out of you!

Poor script, woeful acting, bad cinematography and cheap film quality give this movie a "home-video" feel. The actress playing the mother, Patty McCormack, was nominated for an Oscar some 50 years ago for "The Bad Seed", I guess talent goes with age.

Well I give this trashy b-movie zero stars

Dumbo
Dumbo(1941)

This was my favourite movie when I was a kid, I haven't seen it in many, many years but yesterday my mum bought the DVD and it was absolutely fabulous.

Story is simple, baby elephant delivered to mother, has ginormous ears and because of that the other elephants at the circus don't accept him and call him Dumbo, except his mother of course. When his mum goes apeshit on some imbread retarded kids because they tease him, she gets locked up in a prison wagon (yep, a circus elephant represents a huge investment i.e. don't shoot it). Dumbo is depressed and alone until Timothy the circus mouse, whose always been distrainful of the annoying gossipping elephants, takes pity on him and decides to try to make him famous.

1941 this was made, back when there was no computer animation and every thing was drawn by hand, man they don't make them like this anymore, in fact I don't remember the last Disney cartoon, it's mostly all this stupid live-action crap like The Shaggy Dog. The animation is just beautiful, I'm amazed at how they do the water techniques and the Pink Elephants on Parade sequence (which does not fit in with the story at all) was so damn cool, and was quite clearly made by animators on acid.

This movie is as emotionally moving now as it was back when I watched it as a kid, Dumbo and his mother are great silent leads there is a lot of love between them without dialogue (the signs are obvious people). The music and songs were super mad and are all memorable and will stick in your head and they do what they should do which is stir your emotions deeply.

Even though some parts of this film are very blatantly racist /coughThe Carpet-Bagging Crows/cough this film is funny and cute and is the best Disney has to offer. I give this 5 stars

The Snowtown Murders
½

When watching something like this you can't help but compare it to Animal Kingdom, a far superior film. Animal Kingdom was a super realistic look at lower class Australians and the criminal activities they get involved in, Snowtown is the same. The real difference is, that the characters in Animal Kingdom are superbly developed and three dimensional, whereas the characters in Snowtown, whilst looking very real and acting very real, just never really introduce themselves, their motives are way too simplistic.

The film follows the life of Jamie Vlassakis, a boy who lives in the run down suburb of Snowtown in Adelaide. After it is discovered in the neighbourhood that a neighbour from across the road has been forcing Jamie and his brothers to pose for inappropriate photos, a charismatic man named John Bunting shows up and helps the other locals drive the neighbour out of town. John quickly begins dating Jamie's mother and leads a local vigilante group who single out people who they suspect of being pedophiles and running them out of town as well. For those of you who don't know the true story of the Snowtown murders, they did not run them out of town, they killed them in very horrific ways.

Daniel Henshall gives an excellent performance as John, he's a scary character, but unfortunately he doesn't play the role any better than other psychotic performances I've seen in the past, he certainly is not as great as Ben Mendelsohn in Animal Kingdom, not even close. Lucas Pittaway does a realistic performance as Jamie, unfortunately it's nothing more than realistic, it's incredibly un-nuanced he's the same the whole way through and you never really sympathise with him as much as you should. The other actors are just the same, realistic but nothing more.

It's beautifully shot, the cinematography and the shaky-cam capture the brutality and the violence well, and if this film's aim was to make my skin crawl it achieved that well. The murder scenes will most likely give you nightmares, it's not a film for the faint of hearted. It goes for that feel I really love where there is minimal dialogue and it relies on poetic visuals, unfortunately it fails at creating poetic images. It achieves three good poetic visuals but they really seem out of place and the only thing it makes you feel in the end is uncomfortable.

The story is incredibly disjointed, there are some scenes in which you wonder why they are doing what there are doing, who the people they are associating with are and overall why half the scenes are in it. Like for example, there is one scene in which John talks to some disgustingly fat lady about something irrelevant and then in the next scene she takes off all her clothes and stands naked in front of him and then we never see her again, and you just think, what the fuck? What did that have to do with anything, it wasn't arousing and it added nothing and who the hell was that fat chick? They just get at a lot of things in this and don't follow up on them, it looks like it was made by someone with ADD.

Overall this movie makes little sense, they haven't dramatised it enough they just made it way too realistic. It has a lot of potential which it doesn't fulfill, but it will fill you with a sense of discomfort that will stay with you long after you have left the cinema.

I give this incredibly fucked-up movie 2.5 stars. I personally didn't like it, but a lot of people did so, maybe you should check it out and make up your own mind.

Source Code
Source Code(2011)
½

Okay so you can go back in time in an alternate universe to become someone else 8 minutes before they die, that way you can find out who put the bomb on a train and stop them before the next attack. Original idea, I'll pay that, that doesn't automatically mean it's super-sophisticated, but just because it's not super-sophisticated doesn't mean it's not a fast paced entertaining thriller.

Well when Captain Colter Stevens (Jake Gyllenhaal) takes the form of some guy who's on this train with his girlfriend you know what will happen, he'll fall in love with the girlfriend and of course he'll try and save the people on the train. It's kinda predictable but you'll surely have a fun time watching it.

Despite the poster that suggests shit loads of cool visual effects like Inception had, this one is quite light on the CGI, expect of course for the explosion on the train that we see over and over again, and that's kinda what I liked about it. It was a tight and tense film and you can tell the director actually cared about making it.

Jake Gyllenhaal gives a nice frustrated performance and in the end you begin to sympathise with his character. Vera Farmiga is a great actress, she's good at playing "the official lady who feels sympathy" and her character is fairly likeable. Jeffery Wright's character unfortunately is very cliched and could easily have been made better, Wright doesn't do a bad job playing though. Michelle Monoghan's performance as Christina, the girlfriend of the character he has assumed, is on par and due to good direction you kinda start to feel Captain Stevens' connection with her.

Overall this is an entertaining thriller, which is only 90 minutes long, but I don't think it's as sophisticated as a lot of people. It is however quite moving at times and there was a frame where I thought it was ending but unfortunately they dragged it on to a more contrived ending. I think Duncan Jones has potential as a director and I look forward to more from him.

I give it 3.5 stars out of 5

Paul
Paul(2011)

So an alien crashes his space ship on earth and is rescued from the wreckage by a little girl before being carted off to Area 51 by the government, sound familiar?

The plot to this movie couldn't be funnier, two Sci-Fi nerds, Graeme (Simon Pegg) and Clive (Nick Frost), from London are traveling through America following Comicon and visiting all the extra-terrestrial sites while they are at it, so already you have fish out of water comedy because you don't expect a bunch of red necks to take kindly to two nerdy and possibly gay Brits traveling through the desert. And then they meet this alien, Paul, named after the dog he killed when he crashed his ship, who is a weed smoking, smart talking alien who is being pursued by three government agents, one an elite professional and the other two a dumb and dumber duo. Things are further complicated when they end up accidentally kidnapping the daughter of a fundamentalist Christian trailer park owner who proceeds to pursue them, believing Satan kidnapped his daughter.

This movie is hilarious, it was made for sci-fi nerds, anyone who has seen a decent amount of sci-fi films is gunna love this for sure, there are references to ET, Aliens, even Mac and Me, we even get a Sigourney Weaver cameo! The special effects are great too.

Fans of stoner comedies will also love this one! Paul is the perfect stoner character, he's appropriately voice by Seth Rogen and brings many laughs to the screen. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are always hilarious and play a couple of dorks brilliantly, I know they've done other roles before but I think this is the role they should be playing. Kristen Wiig does a hilarious performance as Ruth, the one eyed Christian girl.

The film as well as being funny is actually an exciting chase movie as well. There are some very suspenseful moments and great action scenes that incorporate humour into them.

I will warn you though, if you are a Christian or of any other religion then this movie may be a tad on the offense side, but overall it's bloody hilarious and a lot of fun. I recommend it.

4 out of 5 stars

Never Let Me Go

This film takes place in a parallel universe, in this universe organ transplants came in the 1950s. And not only that but people are being cloned and raised in schools separated from the world so that when they reach a certain age they can be organ donors.

It follows three donors in particular, Kathy (Carey Mulligan) is our protagonist, she falls in love with Tommy at school but unfortunately Tommy (Andrew Garfield) gets together with her best friend Ruth (Keira Knightley), the film centres around that love triangle as well as following the kids as they grow up and realise what their purpose is in life.

One really couldn't ask for a better scenario, it's a coming-of-age film set mostly on the English countryside, there ought to be more films like that. The English countryside with it's grey sky, green fields and beautiful old stone buildings I find has a poetic feel to it. Unfortunately this film decides to be more mainstream and relies on dialogue as opposed to taking advantage of the opportunity to make visual poetry, had it done that I'd probably have given this movie 5 stars.

The characters are very well developed, we get a feel for the personality of each of them and we can identify with them, mostly with Kathy and largely with Tommy as well, sometimes Ruth can be a bit unlikeable but in the end you begin to sympathise with her.

Carey Mulligan's performance is fabulous as can be, I've liked her ever since I saw her in An Education. Andrew Garfield amazed me, I didn't even realise it was him, his British accent is wonderful, he'll win an Oscar someday, he was robbed for his role in The Social Network. Keira Knightley I can look at all day, she's beautiful and a great actress too.

Overall this is a beautifully acted, beautifully directed, engrossing drama that will push the emotional buttons a few times and although it doesn't take the path I hoped it would it still makes great viewing, an enjoyable film by far.

4 stars from me

Biutiful
Biutiful(2010)

This film is about a sweat shop owner is diagnosed with inoperable cancer, feel good movie of the year? Goes without saying.

I must say I was very impressed with Inarritu's latest work, the cinematography captures the scene on the streets of Barcelona, it feels so real.

Javier Bardem does a great job in capturing Uxbal's journey to redeem and to be redeemed and the supporting cast back him up nicely, especially the two Chinese guys who help run the sweat shop, they bring a moving drama to the film.

There are some gruesome images of his illness taking effect, with him peeing blood and wearing nappies. It makes quite a depressing film, as is expected from Inarritu. What is weird though is that this one is fully linear and only focuses on one plot, kinda like the time Tarantino made Jackie Brown.

Overall this film is moving if a little (actually more like very) depressing and I give it 4 stars.

Thor
Thor(2011)

I saw this in Sydney and I hear it's not out in America yet so I guess I'll review it before you see it.

I was looking forward to this ever since I saw the trailer when I saw Tron Legacy. I gotta say I'm a little disappointed by it, it looked so epic.

Basically the plot to the film is that Odin, Thor and Loki and all the other Viking gods live in another realm and they were worshiped as Gods because they saved Earth when it was nearly taken over by Frost Giants (ZOMG! Frost Giants!!! Lololol!). Warmongering Thor (Chris Hemsworth) is chosen as successor to Odin (Anthony Hopkins) on the throne leaving his subdued brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston) being a jealous little bitch. After the Frost Giants fail at trying to steal back the source of their power that Odin took from them many years ago. Against Odin's orders Thor and his friends go and pwn many Frost Giants resulting in Thor being banished to Earth. After Odin suffers from health problems and retreats to his death bed Loki takes over but he has some evil intentions at heart.

Okay, enough with the plot I'm really fucking surprised I managed to write that much because the plot to this movie is virtually non-existent. Loki's plan somehow involves destroying Earth, I never actually worked out why but it just does okay. Now this plot doesn't make a whole lot of sense but it involves Thor beating guys up, mud wrestling a dude, pwning Frost Giants (WIN!!!) with his hammer and fighting a giant robot that shoots fire from its eyes (or something that looks like a giant robot but it's awesome!).

The visual effects in this movie are great as are the costuming, the armour and helmets and weapons and stuff are enough to make you prematurely shoot they are that beautiful. The alternate world where Thor's people live looks brilliant as well, the palace is beautiful.

Kenneth Branagh directed this, Kenneth Branagh is famous for directing Shakespearean films, I've not seen any but I hear that they are good. Here it seems that he was trying to create a family drama with an intense sibling rivalry that you'd expect to see in a Shakespearean play, when you think of it it has a couple of plot points from As You Like It, with the two feuding brothers, one being banished and all, whilst also having a special effects driven action movie and a fish out of water comedy.

Now the family drama works very well, Anthony Hopkins plays a very imposing Odin, the type you'd expect an insecure son to try to live up to, whilst Chris Hemsworth plays the egotistical brother that you'd expect an insecure brother to despise and Tom Hiddleston plays the insecure brother and son who struggles to be the favoured child he knows he'll never be with such power, Hiddleston is clearly the standout role in this film. I've never seen him in a film before but I'll keep a lookout for him now. Kenneth Branagh seems right at home directing these parts of the film as he does with the fish out of water comedy.

The fish out of water comedy scenes are great, we have Thor walking around on Earth talking like the son of Odin, it's really quite funny. In one scene for instance he drinks a cup of coffee, remakes that he likes this drink then smashes the cup on the ground and demands another. Branagh knows what he's doing here.

What really let's the film down is the effects driven action-fantasy part of the film, Kenneth Branagh is a fish out of water here, it would be like asking Ingmar Bergman to direct The Rock a film clearly suited to the likes of Michael Bay. Kenneth Branagh is not Michael Bay, he knows how to make an awesome action scene (well that's not hard if your budget is high enough) but he doesn't know how to tell a story like that, he can't string them into a logically structured story. Branagh has a lot to learn about those kinds of films.

Another thing that let it down is the relationship between Thor and this Earth girl Jane (Natalie Portman). The relationship lacks chemistry, they just seem like to people who kinda have an affection for each other rather than two people who are truly in love. That's disappointing because I thought Kenneth Branagh would be able to do believable human relationships well.

So in the end this film succeeds in making us laugh, giving us some great exciting action scenes, and showing us a good family drama but it's let down by it's lazy story telling and lame romance.

I give it 3 out of 5 stars

Scream 4
Scream 4(2011)

Scream is one of my favourite horror films, a truly intelligent satire as well as an intense horror movie that examined and deconstructed the slasher genre, Scream 2 wasn't as good but still was excellent, it deconstructed the sequels and changing ideas. Scream 3 was bollocks, it claimed to be examining the idea of a threequel, and fed us some information that was blatantly wrong (the franchises end at three? WTF? Say that to Friday the 13th Part 10), and pretty much because a shitty slasher film in itself. This movie topped Scream 2 and Scream 3, I thought it would suck but man was it great!

The plot it very similar to the others, but that's kinda the point so you can't flaw it there. Sidney is now a writer and she returns to Woodsboro to promote her new self-help book, when all of a sudden, yep you guessed it the Ghost Faced Killer returns to terrorise Sidney's cousin Jill and her friends. And of course, Dewey Riley, who is now the Sheriff of Woodsboro is on the case and his wife Gail Weathers (or Gail Riley now) is by his side helping him.

This movie is loaded with suspense, gore, humour and nerds talking about horror movies and references are made to them throughout. This movie examines the further changes to the horror genre and the way that technology, such as Facebook YouTube and the internet, has evolved it and also examines the nature of the remake, which is something we see a lot of nowadays, ie Friday the 13th, Halloween, A Nightmare on Elm Street, My Bloody Valentine etc.

I thought it would suck because it's number four in the series, but I was wrong. It uses predictability to it's advantage like the first two did and even makes fun of the Scream franchise itself. The ending as usual comes unexpected. That's what I like about the Ghost Faced Killer is that it's one of them as opposed to a retarded giant that doesn't die for some reason, so you are always guessing who it is and why they are doing it. I won't spoil the ending but it reminded me of Michael Powell's forgotten classic Peeping Tom, which this movie has the courtesy to make reference to.

The characters are all pretty good, Sidney, Gail and Dewey are pretty much the same. Emma Roberts does a good job playing Jill just like Neve Campbell played Sidney in the original, although she isn't as charming but she isn't the protagonist, Sidney is, so that's okay.

Unfortunately Randy is absent from this film but we have two horror nerds to replace him with, Robbie (Erik Knudsen) and Charlie (Rory Kulkin). Robbie is a funny character who brings charm to the screen, he is the guy who video tapes everything and uploads it via live feed to the internet and Charlie is a nerdy character that a lot of people will identify with a root for. Those guys made this more a lot more fun.

And of course we have the usual characters, the expendable friends who are always getting hacked up, nothing new about them, except that one is a horror buff, a hot horror buff! :D And there's the arsehole boyfriend and yeah you know the rest.

The only bad thing about the movie is the lack of subtly. The original was more subtle and this was just a tad obvious, but that's not such a bad thing, it was still good nonetheless. The film opens with sheer parody rather than satire but still the opening scene is hilarious, clever and totally unforgettable.

I give this film 4 stars. If you love the Scream Trilogy this will not disappoint! I dub this the most underrated movie of the year so far!

Pleasantville

We studied this in English in Year 10, half the class loved it, the other half thought it was the worst piece of shit they'd ever seen, but those are the same people who dissed Edward Scissorhands.

I personally think that this is one of the most underrated films ever made. It's about a twin brother, David (Tobey Maguire), and sister, Jennifer (Reese Witherspoon) who lead different lives. Whilst Jennifer spends time going out with boys, looking hot and being a vacuous bitch David spends his time escaping from this confusing and difficult world by watching an old 1950s sit-com called "Pleasantville" in which everything is... well... pleasant, it's perfect, nothing bad or unsavoury happens. The parents sleep in separate single beds, there are no toilets (no one pisses or shits), the high school basketball team always wins and everything is just routine.

One night, David and Jennifer have a fight over the TV remote and accidentally break it, all seems to be lost when all of a sudden a creepy old guy, who is also a Pleasantville fan, shows up and gives them a magical TV remote that transports them into the show, where they replace Bud and Mary-Sue and become the characters. This is where the fun starts, whilst Bud (David) fights to keep it all the same, to keep it perfect, Mary-Sue (Jennifer) tries to bring change to these people's lives because she's "like, stuck in Nerdville!" As these people begin to change they gradually fade to colour, but certain people react differently, some love the new changes whereas others decide to be conservative and fight the change.

This film handles its subject matter in the most original manner, I've never seen a film quite like this before. There are so many recognisable elements to it, you'll be reminded of things in your life, of all the wonderful things in life and all the people holding you, this film is about breaking free of all that.

The characters in this film are so well drawn and so well developed, Reese Witherspoon does an amazing job as Jennifer, to start with you just wanna jump through the screen and punch her in the face, but by the end you love her for the change she's made and the change she herself has undergone, Witherspoon captures these character arcs perfectly, I would go so far as to say that this is one of her best performances. Tobey Maguire was also great he captures the change David goes through superbly, everyone in the film captures change very well, because that's what the movie is about change, and what better way to show departure from traditional values to modernity? Why changing from black and white to colour of course!

The cinematography is beautiful, it goes hand in hand with the music scores to capture the full emotional experience of the characters. The scene in which Bill Johnson the soda fountain proprietor, paints a picture and realises what his art really means to him for the first time, is one of the most magical I've ever seen, it brings tears to my eyes every time I watch it, not a very good thing when you're in a class room sitting next to your mate who is saying "Oh my God! Could this get any gayer?" every five minutes.

I loved every minute of this film. It's funny, it's heartfelt, it's thought provoking, everything you could ever want, it really inspires you to think screw what other people say, there is no perfect life, there is no right way to live, this is my life, and this is how I'll live it!

I give this 5 stars! I've tried to extend the Definitive Five to a Definitive Ten many times, but when I decide what's in sixth place, there are always so many contenders, and this I must say is one of them.

Rango
Rango(2011)
½

So the plot this, a chameleon who is an actor falls out of his display tank in the back of a family car and is stuck in the desert. After a meaningful encounter with an existential armadillo squashed on the road, he sets out into the desert to find himself when he comes across the town of Dirt. In this town in order to fit in he puts his acting talents to use and creates a new identity as Rango, a tough talking badass who killed an entire gang of outlaws with one bullet.

After defending the town from a falcon he becomes the sheriff and eventually he sets out to uncover a conspiracy that has something to do with the water and his love interest, a lizard named Beans, believes that the mayor, a sinister paraplegic turtle, is behind it.

So basically take Chinatown and Once Upon a Time in the West and mix them together with animated desert life and you have this movie. It's a good movie, but it could have been a lot better. It's so clever and it explores quite complex existential themes. The references to great films will keep film lovers like me going and the action scenes are quite suspenseful and thrilling.

My problem is that this movie fails to reach the audience as well as it should. A lot of people have said that this isn't really a kids movie at all and that you shouldn't take you kids to it because it will shock and scare them, now that it not completely true. This is a kids' movie, but whereas something like Toy Story or Up manage to be cute, funny, charming and even heart-wrenching whilst still invigorating the adult mind, this movie just falls short of that. Johnny Depp's voicing of Rango is wonderful and the bad guys are nice and scary, in fact the mayor is practically John Huston from Chinatown in turtle form, the supporting characters are just not great. The character Priscilla, a small rodent voiced by Abigail Breslin, who we all know in incredibly cute, who follows Rango around just isn't as cute as she ought to be, you'd think Abigail Breslin would do an adorable voice but she just sounds like an average 13-year-old girl.

A few of the situations are very funny but as a whole they are hit and miss, like and existential encounter with Clint Eastwood in the desert the comedy in that you'd think would write itself, obviously the filmmakers thought that too because it wasn't very funny, the actor voicing Eastwood sounds nothing like him.

You can take your kids to this, there are a few sex jokes but they will fly over their heads and there is some violence but not much more than an average Disney-Pixar movie. But I think they might get a little bored in this, most of the humour comes through subtle dialogue, and what kids wants to listen to dialogue? There is not nearly enough physical humour in this, I didn't hear the kids in the cinema laughing, but they weren't talking so I guess it held their attention.

Overall, this is a very sophisticated and perfectly animated movie but I think they should either have tried a little harder on making it for kids, if they made it as charming and as funny as Up then this would have been a great film, truly. Or maybe they should have just abandon the idea of making it a kids movie and just made it an adults movie, an adults movie about animated desert creatures? Now that would be something new.

This really could have been wonderful, but unfortunately I can only give it 3.5 stars

Wrong Turn
Wrong Turn(2003)

Well there isn't much to say about this film, it's about a guy ends up trapped in the woods with a bunch of stranded campers, and yes the woods are full of over-sized deformed cannibals, how original.

The film is semi-competently made, but who really cares? There is nothing interesting about this film, it follows the "Psychos in the Wilderness" conventions too much and it ends up being tedious.

It's not even that fun, there is a minimal amount of gore, no entrails, no severed limbs and maybe half a litre of blood spilled throughout, maybe. There is no nudity in this film, which sucks because the slasher genre was built around the acceptance of nudity and violence in film. It plays around the whole, "what you can't see is scarier" technique, but in doing so proves that just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's scary, and it also seems that they use this technique only during the violent bits, which makes it even more fail.

There is also a distinct lack of cheesiness and comic relief, the two comic relief characters are not funny and all they do is smoke weed and try to have sex before being killed.

There are much better films of this genre to watch, you have Deliverance, The Hills Have Eyes (original and remake), The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Wolf Creek etc. And once you see one of those films then you can pretty much predict what will happen in this one.

2 stars from me, don't waste your time or time will waste you.

The Killer
The Killer(1989)

Okay I've been thinking of a film to review for a little while now, and then this springs to mind, an action movie that seems to be made specially for film lovers.

This is what you get when you mix Le Samourai, Le Cercle Rouge, The Godfather, Yojimbo, The Wild Bunch, Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid, Once Upon a Time in the West, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly and countless other, gangster films, Kung-Fu films, westerns, musicals, comedies and every other fucking movie ever made!

This was John Woo's third major film and in this he was given a bigger budget and more artistic freedom than he was in the Better Tomorrow films and to watch this movie just makes you so damned sad that John Woo has gone to Hollywood where he makes crap like Hard Target, Mission Impossible 2 and Paycheck!

The plot is simple, Ah Jong, a professional hit-man working his way toward freeing himself from the life, accidentally blinds a female night club singer during a hit. Driven by guilt he befriends her and accepts one last hit so he can restore her vision. Unfortunately after carrying out the hit he is double crossed and hunted by Paul Yau, a hit-man hired by Ah Jong's client (who seems to have all the client's men at his disposal) and a police officer named Li Ying. But as Ah Jong and Li face off against each other they realise they have more in common with one another that they do with the men they've worked for their whole lives.

The action scenes in this film are flawless, maybe not as amazing as Woo's later film Hard-Boiled but great nonetheless. It combines the Eastern style and grace of the Kung-Fu films that made Chinese and Hong Kong cinema famous with the fixation with guns and shooting reminiscent of the Western genre, the Sam Peckinpah Western genre that is, not the good ol' John Ford and Howard Hawkes Western genre, so yes there is a lot of bloodshed in this film. It is rare that you find an action film this exhilarating as well as aesthetically pleasing!

When the action scenes come they are over the top and out of this world, during a shoot out which should be just between two people about ten other guys jump out of nowhere just like the unknown back up dancers in a musical, because that's what this movie is, a musical except instead of singing and dancing numbers it has blood-drenched shootouts. It all flows so kinetically that it's bound to get the pulse well above 80.

The non action scenes are also drenched in style as well, Ah Jong and Li look like they came straight out of a Jean-Pierre Melville film, and the night club scenes, pure Melville, oh and not to mention the plot is clearly a reworking of Melville's own film Le Samourai. The chemistry between Jenny the singer and Ah Jong is a brilliant tribute to City Lights and even though it's quite overdone it manages to be touching and develops a connection to the characters. The most memorable relationship however is the one between Li and Ah Jong, I don't want to explain it in great depth because that would involve writing spoilers, but it is just fabulous, it is what makes this film a powerful work of art and it plays elegantly off the bastardly portrayals of Ah Jong's client and Li's superior and redefines the hero and villain of the modern world. I also must mention the scene in which Ah Jong and Li have a traditional John Woo stare-off down the barrels of their guns whilst a blind none-the-wiser Jenny tries to make tea for them, it's just hilarious, so well played, just like something out of an old silent comedy.

I also found the movie inspiring, because I'm writing a short story for my major work in school and I was a little depressed because I thought my idea was just a cheap rip-off of Cormac McCarthy's novel The Road, but after seeing this reworking of Le Samourai and how creative and original it feels I am inspired, I know that I can still pursue my story idea and still be creative. It's obvious that this inspired Quentin Tarantino's body of work, Kill Bill's magnificent style has been created in the same way The Killer's unique style has been, if I didn't already know Tarantino liked this movie I'd have said, "I bet Tarantino loves this!"

Even though the style is kinda overwhelming to start with, and it may require a second viewing, I recommend this to all film lovers, it's a must see, a definite must.

5 stars! 5 stars right there!

127 Hours
127 Hours(2010)

Quick review:

Inspiring and engaging true story, James Franco is excellent in the lead. It wields emotional power and the characters have a lot of depth. Feels very realistic, almost like you are down there with him, I like it how it manages to do so many flashbacks but you feel like you are still in between the rocks as opposed to it being part of the film set in a different time to the present. It's MA15+ for a reason, the anticipated arm cutting scene is horrifyingly graphic, you might have to turn away if you are squeamish.

Definitely Best Picture material and one of the best of 2010.

4 stars from me

Winter's Bone
½

Quick review:

Great movie, transports you right into the Ozarks and places you among the people. Brilliant cinematography, spot on acting, all very convincing, great script, engaging storyline. The costumes I found were bought from locals in the area.

Best Picture material indeed, good to see another indie film get up there.

4.5 stars from me.

The Kids Are All Right

Quick review:

Great comedy, with brilliant performances by the whole cast especially Annette Benning, Mark Ruffalo and Julian Moore. It's funny, charming and touching, it didn't really need to be a lesbian couple in this film, it just reminds us of the new times we live in and the way that new unconventional families prevail.

It definitely deserved it's nomination.

4 stars from me

Let Me In
Let Me In(2010)

Yes finally I saw it and it's time for me to talk about it. There have been a lot of things said about this movie, that it is the best US remake of a non-English speaking film, that despite being a remake it maintains originality, that it isn't even a remake it's just another adaptation, that it's better than Twilight, some even say it's better than it's even better than the original Let the Right One In.

Well, it's not the best Hollywood remake, it comes in #3 there, #2 being Christopher Nolan's Insomnia and #1 being Martin Scorsese's The Departed. For originality, not really, it doesn't introduce anything new but we'll get the that later. It most certainly is not a second adaptation of the novel, those who say that need to read the fucking novel because you'll notice that it's different from the novel in the same ways that the original was. Better than Twilight? Well... that pretty much goes without saying. But better than the original? Seriously? Has someone been taking crack? This is not as good as the original nor is it even close!

Well you all should know the plot by now, it's the same as the original except the names have been changed, Oskar and Eli are now Owen (Kodi Smit-McPhee) and Abby (Chloe Grace Moretz) and Hakan is now John (Richard Jenkins) Also you'll notice that it has been further condensed, the Chinese Restaurant Regulars have been reduced to just people living in the same apartment complex. That's kinda disappointing but I did like the way they introduced those characters, through Owen spying on them through a telescope, gave it a slightly Hitchcockian feel.

Now this film does have a lot going for it, the cinematography is wonderful, the sets are fabulous Richard Jenkins plays a wonderful John and McPhee and Moretz are just great they truly do the job just as good as Kare Herdebrant and Lina Leandersson, but even so, in my heart they'll never replace those two, Kare and Lina were perfect to me. Elias Koteas does a great job as the newly added character credited as "The Policeman" he's edgy and paranoid throughout, I never thought I'd be impressed by this new character but I was.

Matt Reeves has done a wonderful job in changing the scenery to an American setting, unlike those stupid J-horror remakes that just feel like they Japanese films with American protagonists. No, this film actually transports us away from Sweden and puts us in New Mexico, USA, people driving everywhere, cops kicking in doors and breaking out the pistol and kids hanging out in the video arcade (no Xbox 360 for you Owen hahaha!) just makes it feel so authentic. Also this film is a different colour if that makes sense, Let the Right One In was sort of a sterile white whilst Let Me In is more of an American feeling dirty brown.

Another cool thing I noticed was the cool tributes to old Hammer films. Yes Hammer made this movie and seeing this is a bit classier than what they are used to they sit had to have a few things in there that made it look like a tacky horror B-movie, not that that's a bad thing :). John's mask is a scary looking black plastic bag with eye holes cut in it, yes he's wearing a mask meaning he's playing the unseen stalker this time as opposed to the old "What's the time?" "The time? Oh it's-mmmmffff!", just like Hammer is used to. This allows it to differ just a little from the original and also adds suspense and horror to the film. Another B-movie tribute is Abby's monster-like look, I preferred Eli's animalistic look but Abby's look is awesome and comes straight from a supernatural horror B-movie :

Okay, I've said a lot of good things about it, now for the bad stuff. The main problem is that it pursues the same thematic elements that the original and does so well but does so in a less clever, less subtle and more obvious way. Like at the beginning we are introduced to Owen's outcastedness (if that's a word) by him sitting outside the pool in all his clothes staring at the floor whilst everyone else swims, whereas the original managed to achieve that menacing social awkwardness through a simple hand tapping on a table, which was pure genius.

A lot of people praised it for just focusing on the the relationship between the two leads and John's part in it, but that is something I didn't like, upon doing this it neglects the other characters making them seem kinda worthless. A lot of conflict arises with Eli's first victim, he has friends who care about him, one friend in particular who is totally distraught, whereas Abby's first victim appears to me to be just some guy, who really gives a fuck if he gets killed, well the cop does, but that's because it's his job it's just too impersonal. There was one thing about that aspect that I thought added to it was the neglect of his parents, his mother's face is never seen, or when it is it's overshadowed and his father is only on a phone, I thought that added to the loneliness aspect quite well.

I also found the music scores to inferior, they weren't bad, just not as good. I love the dark brooding scores of Let the Right One In whereas here these scores... well... I dunno I'm not very good at describing music but these ones just don't resonate as well. The songs from the area which they include are awesome though, but nothing tops "Kvar i min bil" that song fucken rocks!

And finally one more thing is that this film is far less ballsy than the original. The original had some "dark themes" going, of course those "dark themes" were never explicitly stated just nicely implied. With these two main "dark themes" Let Me In pursues one of them really far only to wuss out on it eventually and the other it pretty much goes out of it's way not to include. Those of you who are familiar with the source material will know what I'm talking about, it has to do with John's identity and Abby's crotch and those of you who aren't familiar I won't spoil it for you.

So in conclusion I must say that to anyone who hasn't read the book or seen the original film then this film will probably strike you as something wonderful whereas if you have read or seen the original then you'll find this a touch on the annoying side but still good nonetheless, it's an excellent film.

It just scraps into a 4 star rating from me, I guess I would recommend it.

The Night of the Hunter

This is officially my 100th review so I thought that instead of reviewing Winter's Bone or The Kids Are All Right like I was going to I've decided to review a classic.

As you all know I am not afraid to dis a classic, if it's good it's good, if it's bad it's bad and I've seen my fair share of overrated, disappointing classics and even a few that downright sucked arse. But this, The Night of the Hunter, who would want to bash it? It's fabulous! Just brilliant! I ain't got a single bad thing to say about it.

It's about a guy who robs a bank and kills two people in the process, stealing $10,000 (obviously a lot of money in the 50s xD) to secure a good future for his kids, John and Pearl. Before he's caught he manages to hide the money and make his kids promise never to tell anyone, not even their mother, where the money is hid. Before he is hanged a shifty con-man named Harry Powell who pretends to be a preacher shares a cell with him and hears about the money and when he is released sets out to find it.

The film is just perfect, Robert Mitchum plays Harry Powell so well! He just makes your skin crawl and makes you laugh at the same time, I must say he is one of the best villains I've ever seen portrayed on screen. The way he stalks the children trying to find the money whilst everyone trusts him because he's a preacher is just horrifying. The little gospel song he sings is sure to resonate with you and even give you nightmares, and his metaphorical "Ol' Right Hand, Left Hand" story explaining why he, a supposed preacher, has "LOVE" and "HATE" tattooed on his fingers like some kind of ex-con is both hilarious and thought provoking.

The cinematography is just brilliant, they use these great long shots with minimal lighting that comes up from below creating huge scary shadows. Many of the scenes look like something out of the evil part of a fairytale. So many scenes in this film will forever be embedded in your memory banks, I just wanna talk about all of them but I won't because I don't wanna make the review too long and some of them would contain spoilers.

This may be one of the greatest thrillers I've ever seen, but it's not just a thriller it's so much more, it's just so wonderfully deep. It's loaded with social commentaries and is one of the most clever examinations of good and evil I've ever seen and the innocence of children is examined so gracefully you could even class this as a bit of a coming-of-age film, it's a truly entrancing and intelligent work of art.

This film is a must see for all cinephiles. 5 stars from me

The Fighter
The Fighter(2010)
½

Not much to explain on the plot here, it's a bio pic about the boxer Mickey Ward (Mark Wahlberg) and his relationship with his brother Dickey (Christian Bale) and his girl friend Charlene (Amy Adams) and how they affect him whilst he advances on his boxing career.

To be honest I'm not much of a fan of Christian Bale, I find his performances all a little too dead pan and a little wooden but in this he is just brilliant, this is by far his best performance yet, he's proven to me that he has a wider acting caliber. He manages to play an urban dead beat really well and he's different to how he normally is and he is Oscar nomination is well deserved.

Mark Wahlberg plays Mickey with humanity and feeling, maybe not as well as Bale plays Dickey but definitely it's a likable performance. Bale and Wahlberg have good chemistry and they even manage to hit the emotional buttons a few times.

Amy Adams has nice positive and negative chemistry with Wahlberg and Bale respectively. Charlene does not get a long with Mickey's family and the scenes where she is arguing with them are just priceless, they are so well scripted and well played.

I love the depiction of the poor white trash, it just looks so real, the women in particular are great their clothes and their hair styles, shows you that white trash in America is quite similar to white trash in Australia lol.

The boxing scenes in this movie look almost like real fights on TV, now that's not necessarily a good thing. I dunno about you but I don't like watching the boxing on TV or any sport for that matter, I find it boring, so I'd rather that the filmmaker go for poetic or artistic license rather than realism on that part. I watched Martin Scorsese's Raging Bull just before I watched this and the boxing scenes in that were just fabulous and they didn't look 100% real.

The biggest let down of this film is simply that it's just not very spectacular. I felt about this the same way I felt about Ben Affleck's The Town, it was good but there's no real wow factor or much originality for that matter. This was just a well made sportsman's bio pic, nothing more.

So overall it's a good film, just don't expect another Raging Bull. 3.5 stars from me

Shutter Island

Okay I finally saw this latest flick from Martin Scorsese, a film that everyone said was a mind shattering experience. And after seeing all the trailers and everything and hearing about the plot I was so excited to see it, I expected a massively thought provoking eerie, disturbing experience.

Shutter Island turned out to be a massive disappointment. It's basically about this detective, Edward Daniels (Leonardo DiCaprio) who is summoned to a mental institution on Shutter Island to investigate the disappearance of a patient. Needless to say, shit gets really really weird for him and it seems that there is something that the asylum directors aren't telling him.

The plot twists and turns a lot but it never really shocks you by doing so. It grabs you interest and, even though it is a little confusing, by the end you kinda get how everything worked out, it's all explained clearly enough but it left me with nothing, this film gave me nothing to think of after I watched it. It sorta played out like an M. Night Shyamalan film, interesting but not thought provoking.

The cinematography is very good, combined with the special effects, it creates eeriness very well, however this eeriness is broken due a few moments of "huh?" in the film. Unfortunately is doesn't do the same with suspense, this isn't one that put me on the edge of my seat.

The potential of this film's premise is not fulfilled, Martin Scorsese should not be making films of this genre it does not suit him at all.

It is my great disappointment to give this film 3 out of 5 stars, watchable but far from great and too pretentious to be called as "just a good thriller."

Black Swan
Black Swan(2010)

I've been waiting to see this for so long and usually when you wait to see something for so long your expectations of it are so high that it ends up being a disappointment, but here, no fucking way! This actually was actually BETTER than I expected!

The story is so gripping and intense that I refused to go to the toilet during the movie! It's about a ballerina named Nina Sayers (Natalie Portman) who manages to win the role of the Swan Queen in Thomas Leroy's (Vincent Cassel) production of Swan Lake, playing both The Black Swan and The White Swan. Leroy tells her the she is perfect as The White Swan but she needs to release her darker side in order to become The Black Swan, and of course, the role begins to consume her.

This movie is everything I wanted! It's intense, gripping, creepy, funny, sexy, scary, disturbing and beautiful. A great in every way.

The acting is tops, Natalie Portman is amazing and hot as always, she portrays paranoia and slow descending madness exceptionally well, I don't know if it was really her dancing but if it is she is a brilliant dancer, my friend who used to do ballet said to me that Portman looked like she knew how to dance in real life and I'll take her word for it. Mila Kunis, who all know as, the chick from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Meg from Family Guy and the crazy bitch from American Psycho 2, gives a chilling performance as Lily, Portman's evil understudy, when I heard people say she was snubbed at the Oscars I thought "Ha! Whatever!" but now I totally agree with the people who said that, Mila Kunis is a great actress. Vincent Cassel is plays Thomas Leroy, the dance teacher who alternates between being really cool and being a total prick, his performance comes across with quite a fair bit of depth and even a bit humour. Barbra Hershey's performance is haunting, she's the scary control freak mother who always seems to be watching her Nina making sure she succeeds. Every performance here is simply brilliant!

The cinematography is brilliant, a fair few people claimed that it was a little too shaky but I disagree, I think it captured the beauty of the ballet scenes quite well, and it also captured the menacing presence of every other character around Nina as well as capturing Nina's own madness.

The scores intensify the film in the same way that Requiem for a Dream's score did. I'm surprised to see that it's been snubbed this year, it's not as good as The Social Network's score but it is fabulous.

The film reminded me quite a lot of David Cronenberg's The Fly in the way that it depicts someones obsession leading them into madness, it even shows a few hallucinations scenes in which she physically becomes the Black Swan. This take on the story transfers it into the world of celebrity in which Nina is constantly filled with paranoia that if she is not perfect she will soon be replaced just as she replaced her predecessor. Aronofsky, Portman and the supporting cast do a great job of dragging you into Nina's world of fear and paranoia which makes the film a stunning and scary visual experience which will stay with you long after you've left the theatre.

This is undoubtedly one of the best films of 2010, The Social Network has some competition this is Best Picture material.

5 stars from me!

Fred: The Movie

SORRY I COULDN'T HELP WRITING SPOILERS HERE!!! BUT SERIOUSLY WHO GIVES A SHIT IT'S NOT LIKE YOU ARE ACTUALLY GOING TO WATCH THIS ANYWAY!!!

For those of you who don't know who Fred is, he is an unbelievably annoying 15 year old with a high-pitched super annoying voice and no social skills at all. He originated on YouTube and was created by some 15 year old idiot called Lucas Cruikshank, who now gets paid to make the episodes, which are funny for like a few second before they just get annoying here's a video of it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_oCyzja0sg

Anyway the plot to this movie is simple, Fred is in love with his neighbour Judy (Pixie Lott) who is sympathetic toward him even though she doesn't really like him (nobody does) but unfortunately she has a thing for Kevin the school bully who also lives next to Judy. When Judy moves to another house Fred decides to set out on a journey to find her.

Now the story of this film is not very well structured to say the least, you'd expect it to be that Fred has to overcome some obstacles of self-confidence and be comfortable with his life and you'd think that it would preach a message of screw the cool kids, just be yourself but no it doesn't. Throughout the film there are appearances by an unpopular girl named Bertha (who is still really good looking) who also lives next door to Fred, she's nice and clearly likes Fred (fuck knows why) and you think that he's eventually going to go with her, which would have been good because she was my favourite character. And another character in the film is Derf, a character also played by Lucas Cruikshank (get it it's Fred spelt backwards), he's an easy going guy who just doesn't care and urges Fred to just be himself.

Unfortunately in the end of this stupid movie Fred becomes the most popular guy in school and ends up with Judy, which is fucking stupid because Fred is so very very ANNOYING!!!

The incidents in the movie are all really really lame, like when he sees a Pomeranian in a pet store and is excited because he thinks it's a squirrel, HAHAHAHA! ROFLROFLROFL! I watched this when I was drunk and I didn't find any of these incidents funny!

This stupid internet series didn't need a fucking movie, Lucas Cruikshank needs to die.

1 star from me

Die Hard
Die Hard(1988)

Okay, a few of you may have noticed beforehand my negative rating of this film, I gave it 50%. Well, the reason I gave it that is because when I watched it I was just a pretentious 14 year old who thought it was smart to dis action movies, and later on I'd never given it a second viewing so I just went with what I thought before and just remembered everything bad about the film and none of the good things. Recently I decided to re-watch it and now here's what I have to say,

You all know the plot so I won't bother with that, I'll just launch straight into it, the action sequences are staged extraordinarily well and yes they look very real because the explosions actually are opposed to being CGI.

The dialogue is quite good, if you listen you'll all the subtle references to the old fashion action films that were growing scarce around this time and there are lots of clever snipes at bureaucratic incompetence.

The story, although quite silly (name an action film that isn't), is well constructed and inspired a massive wave of imitators most notably Speed (a film which I prefer) which is "Die Hard on a bus." It also resurrected the whole "Dirty Harry cop" genre, which I guess is quite admirable.

Great action, good humour and historical importance are what keep this film going but what I don't like is the fact that there are a few too many cheesy moments in this film, the radio conversations between John McClane and the black cop in the car are full of cliches and that scene at the end, I'm sure you know which one, was so corny it almost made me facepalm.

Anyhow this film is excellent, I'll admit it, but it is not a film without flaws (there were lots of floors in that building :P, haha awful joke), and is definitely not my favourite action movie, there are ones which I do much prefer such as The Killer, Hard-Boiled and Collateral.

I'm giving this film 4 out of 5 stars and I recommend it for film historians and action lovers.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Okay earlier on I gave this movie a fresh rating, the reason being I was sick of everyone talking about this movie like it was the epitome of shit. But now I gotta admit it, this movie was bad.

Michael Bay is always being criticised because he is artistically challenged and sedlom if ever engages the brain, this is all true but I have always enjoyed his movies. Bad Boys I & II have always been a guilty pleasure of mine, and I loved The Island and The Rock, the only one of his that I really hated was Pearl Harbour (which funnily enough all the girl in my year loved!).

The first Transformers was a fun action CGI adventure, but this one doesn't quite cut it. The plot is silly in a way that's not as fresh as the first one, the characters aren't developed any further and the ones that return from the original just walk in at any given opportunity some quite unneccessarily, all that I could kinda live with though. The thing that pushes it from fresh to rotten was the inclusion of those two fucking nigger bots! Sorry for the use of that word, but that's what they are, two twin robots that talk like racist sterotypical black guys! They were just annoying! The other thing was that leg humping robot, that was just to please the 12 year olds.

Take that out and then this really ain't a bad way to kill two and a half hours. A lot of people criticised the video-game style "power-up! now you're >9000 times bigger for some stupid reason and you're the biggest motherfucker there is!" scene at the end. That was ridiculous I'll admit but I laughed during it.

I think the reason you people hated it so much is because you saw it at the movies where the screen is big and the speakers are loud, if I sat through it like that I recon it would have pushed a few headache buttons, like Cloverfield and The Bourne Ultimatum did. I watched this on my laptop, so my screen was small and I could see everything and I could easily turn it down if it got too loud.

In the end I can't give it anymore than two and a half stars, I don't recommend it but I don't think it deserved Worst Picture

300
300(2007)
½

WARNING: THERE ARE A FEW MINOR SPOILERS HERE BUT SEEING THIS IS A SO-CALLED "HISTORICAL FILM" I THINK THAT'S ACCEPTABLE.

A lot of people talk about this like it's a dumbass, stupid film. That's not true, if that were true I would have rated this higher. It's actually has a degree of underlying intelligence, but that's not a good thing, what lies beneath this film is a very nasty message.

Let's get the basics out of the way first. This is the story of the 300 Spartan men who after making quite a brutal strong stance against the Persians were nearly all slaughtered in the battle of Thermopylae. For a start just about every detail of this movie wrong, it's about as historically accurate as a monkey throwing darts at a picture of the White House tattooed on William Shatner's arse. Me being a history nerd I'd like to say that there was no hunchbacked deformed thingy, the Ephors did not have leprosy, nor were they spiritual monks living in a huge tower, that scene endues many wtfs, I could list so many more inaccuracies but I'd be here all night.

The one thing I thought was historically accurate was the portrayal of the Spartan character, yes they would throw these witty one liners out like that, believe it or not that was actually part they Spartan training, "Spartans! Lay down your weapons!" "Persians! Come and get them!" Totally believable. Another thing that impressed me was the visuals. They were awesome, they looked very pretty and achieved the comic book style quite well.

This movie is kinda enjoyable, or rather it would be if it wasn't for all the boring stupid unnecessary slow-mo scenes.

Now for the complexities. The great director Alejandro Jodorowsky condemned this film as a piece of Hollywood propaganda, this I find quite funny because 30 years beforehand in his masterpiece The Holy Mountain there is a scene in which a corporate branch takes small innocent children and brainwashes them into hating Peru so in 15 years they will be ready to fight, and one of the methods is, waddaya know, drawing propaganda cartoons for them. Shows that Jodorowsky's work is still relevant today.

The Spartans are all ripped and Aryan and of course White, not true, they would have been olive-skinned. Half the Persians appear middle-eastern whereas the other half are black, wtf? the Persians were not Black! And as Mr. Jodorowsky pointed out, Xerxes, the biggest black man who is also gay, is their leader. The Persians deformed, ugly and unlikeable, they also condone homosexuality and when it's presented to us that they do, the deformed hunch thingy wonders through a hallway full of lesbians whilst staring longingly! It's shown as his decent into sin and corruption! Let me give you a history lesson people! THE SPARTANS WERE GAY!!! They were super duper gay! That scene in the tent was something the Spartans got up to on a regular basis, in fact for men it was compulsory to have a gay lover! There was wall to wall buttsecks and fanny fun in Sparta, there was also quite a lot of adultory as well but I won't go into that as it is not relevant.

Just take a look at the way the Spartans act, they all say that they will fight and die for FREEDOM!!!! That's actually really ironic because the Spartans had their entire lives planned out for them, in fact if the boys weren't pure enough they were left to die at just 10 days old. They also enslaved an entire race of people, the helots, a detail which is overlooked in this film. The ending is like a military recruitment ad, Jesus Christ.

Despite pretty visuals, some okay fight scenes and a great but misused portrayal of a Spartan male, this is an overall racist, homophobic and conservative film.

I like Zack Snyder as a director, Dawn of the Dead was okay and Watchmen was amazing but this is like a scar on his face! I give this 1.5 stars.

True Grit
True Grit(2010)

I've never read Charles Portis' novel but I have seen the original True Grit with John Wayne in his Oscar winning role, and I did not particularly care for it. This on the other hand was excellent, much better than it's predecessor.

This is the story of a 14-year-old girl named Mattie Ross (Hailee Steinfeld) whose father is murdered by his own man Tom Chaney (Josh Brolin). Having been left his gun she enlists the help of Marshal Rubin "Rooster" Cogburn (Jeff Bridges) to help her find and capture Chaney so she can see him hang for his crime. Unfortunately a chauvinistic young Texas Ranger named LaBoeuf (Matt Damon) is also out to capture him so he can hang for shooting a senator in Texas, which doesn't sit right with Mattie who wants him to hang for shooting her father and not the senator.

This film is just like the original only better. The acting is a lot better than in the original. Jeff Bridges makes a far better Rooster Cogburn than John Wayne did (I hate John Wayne), he's far more convincing as an old alcoholic, Wayne always enunciated even when he was supposed to be drunk whereas Bridges mumbles and grumbles like an old drunk should, I also found him to be a lot more humorous and charming than Wayne. One thing I did find about Bridges though is that he is called upon to deliver all the one-liners that Wayne did in the original, those lines sound great when they are enunciated as opposed to mumbled, so there is at least one area where Wayne did better.

Hailee Steinfeld is just brilliant, she is actually 14 as opposed to Kim Darby who was 23 when she played the part. The way she performed it was so well I found it hard to believe that she was actually that young. Darby pissed me off, Steinfeld I'm sure will be a big star someday and it hurts me to hear that she was actually in an episode of Sons of Tucson (which is the worst show ever by the way).

Matt Damon nails the role of LeBoeuf, he's a prick, but a very three dimensional prick. He does the Southie accent perfectly and this I'd say is one of Damon's best roles.

As usual the Coen Brothers, direct the film with great skill, the cinematography is brilliant, it is at times emotionally moving and the action scenes are brilliantly staged. The only problem is that the script didn't have the usual Coen Brothers touch, it was there just not as strong as it usually is, I think they should have changed it more, it seemed penis too much like the original at times. I am at least happy to say that the ending is less contrived but I won't spoil it for you.

This is definitely one to go see. And I understand it scored a Best Picture nomination, well then you'd better see it before the Academy Award winners are announced.

4 stars from me, a great adventure.

The King's Speech

I had a feeling this would get a nomination, and hey it did. Great to see an Australian film on the list this year, even if it is a joint production with Britain.

Colin Firth plays Prince Albert, who later goes on the become King George VI, who naturally, given his position, must make public announcements a fair bit. One problem though, he stutters. Under recommendation of his wife he takes speech lessons from Lionel Logue, a failed Australian actor who makes a living giving speech lessons, mostly to shell shocked World War I veterans.

The actors carry this well scripted historical drama superbly. Colin Firth is great in the lead and I think he possibly deserves the Oscar, his character is well scripted too, he's a royal who's totally ignorant of a life worse off than his own and can hardly bare anyone of a class lower than his own speaking to him as an equal. This gives him great chemistry with Geoffrey Rush who plays Lionel. Lionel is just hilarious, he plays a typical Australian who loves to show his contempt for royalty and insists upon pissing Albert off by calling him Bertie instead or "Sir" or "Your Majesty."

A lot of people complain about this movie being predictable, and yes it is predictable. But, this is The King's Speech we are watching here, not Inglourious Basterds, so yes it does follow the true story here so it cannot be flawed in that sense.

I give this film 4 stars

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 1

Okay, I know this is probably the million review of this movie you've read but I review everything I see in the cinema so here you go.

This is the seventh installment of this popular saga. We've come along way, Harry, Hermione and Ron are no longer returning for their final year at Hogwarts.

As you progress through this series it gets darker and reflects the age that these young wizards have reached. There's no more magical moving paintings and changing staircases, no more quiddich matches and delightful spells. No, now all the magic just seems to be evil, darkness has taken over, there's even an illusion of Harry and Hermione having sex.

Voldermort's minions are seeking to remove all the half bloods, there are scenes of hearings taking place and other scenes that evoke images of Nazi Germany, Soviet Russia, The McCarthy Era and even the War on Terror.

The characters all seem so angsty and teenage, and the actors play them quite well.

The special effects mix surprisely well with all the dark cinematography and never seem over done.

My only real problem with it is the fact that some parts of it would be quite hard to understand, had you not read the book. The Half-Blood Prince did not do a very good job of explaining what the fuck a horcrux is and this one doesn't exactly take the initiative to explain it, which I think it should.

Oh, well, nevertheless I give this movie 4 stars

Chinatown
Chinatown(1974)

Can somebody say wow? This has gotta be one of the best film-noir thrillers I have ever seen.

It's story plays just like any other noir film, a cool private investigator with a witty sense of humour is hired to follow a cheating husband but stumbles upon a bigger conspiracy.

I'm always afraid to watch a classic like this because I'm always afraid that it'll end up being really dated cough* cough* Romeo and Juliet cough* cough*. But as usual this classic has stood the test of time and it doesn't fail to thrill or engage. I thought it was gunna be lame for about 20 or 30 minutes (probably because I got distracted a million times), but then it really kicked in and I couldn't take my eyes off the screen.

The acting is brilliant, some of the best I've ever seen. Wow, Jack Nicholson used to be an amazing actor, what happened to him? Seriously, fuck Batman, fuck The Shining, fuck anything else that he was in, this is him in his prime! Jake Gittes is a brilliant, cool, funny and incredibly well developed character. It's just like watching Al Pacino in The Godfather or Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver, I doubt he'll ever be that good again. The supporting cast are brilliant too, Faye Dunaway is great as Evelyn Mulwray, she captures you emotionally and makes you feel for her very much she and Nicholson have great chemistry. John Huston plays a very convincing Noah Cross, he's just a repulsive horrible man.

Roman Polanski handles this so well and creates an uncomfortable, sinister and corrupt atmosphere to the extent that I could almost forgive him for sodomising a 13 year old girl (not really). Roman Polanski is just so talented, he does not deserve forgiveness but he does deserve recognition, lots of it.

This only won one Academy Award, which was Best Original Screenplay, which Robert Towne well deserved, his screenplay is just amazing. But as for all the other nominations, a fair few of them, including Best Picture and Best Director were stolen by the The Godfather: Part II, this movie is so much better than The Godfather: Part II, it deserved to win all of them I'll say.

The ending I am not going to spoil for you but I'll just say, it's not so much a "twist" in that sense, it just an unexpected ending. Nevertheless it's totally unforgettable and it made me want to cry.

Roman Polanski's directing, Robert Towne's screenplay and not just the performance of Jack Nicholson but that of the whole cast (Polanski even makes a cameo) all flow together nicely and make this movie really great, I think LA Confidential (another great crime thriller) owes a lot to this film. This will forever be one of my favourites.

5 out of 5 stars right here, this is a true classic.

Tron Legacy
Tron Legacy(2010)
½

It's been a few years since the events of the original TRON and Kevin Flynn has disappeared and his son Sam Flynn has become a rebellious young man.

After a mysterious page lures Sam back to his father's abandon laboratory where he is transported into the computer world by a ray.

This world is just like it was in the original only now it's been CGI enhanced and taken over by Clu Kevin Flynn's avatar which has now gone rogue and forced Kevin into exile.

This film is not as good as the original TRON but the visuals are amazing they are so beautiful I wanna touch them! The fight scenes are really cool too, just seeing everyone get smashed by glowing discs is awesome!

The acting is good all round, Jeff Bridges is great in his returning role as Kevin Flynn and Garrett Headlund I think could be a respected actor one day. Olivia Wilde is beautiful and a good actress too. We also get an hilarious campy performance by Michael Sheen who plays a shiny David Bowie-like program named Zuse. Daft Punk even make a cameo appearance as DJ programs.

Even though the plot is fairly minimal it is well told and it manages to tell a great coming-of-age story about Sam being ready to follow his father's footsteps.

This film is just plain awesome, 3.5 stars from me

Agora
Agora(2010)
½

Hey guys, hope you just read my short and lame review of Easy A. I'm back now after a long break from reviewing, but now I'm back.

This is the review I've been waiting to write, it is, just in case you haven't read the title, a review of the latest swords and sandals pic, Agora. I must say, what a great film!

It's focuses on the Christian take over of Rome. Now if you've ever had a scripture class then you'll probably have heard a "poignant" story about how the Christians converted the Pagans from their sinful ways. Ya know something heavily watered down, like the time when I was 8 and they taught our class about the Battle of Jericho, they probably skipped over all the bloodshed and terror.

This highlights the violence and atrocities undergone during the era, and no sir, it's not just one group committing violent acts, it's everybody, Pagans, Christians and Jews alike. Were are set up to sympathise with single characters, but entire groups on the other hand... well, I didn't like any of them, they were all despicable to be honest.

The conflicts between these groups reflects that of today quite horribly, there are so many commentaries on conservatism, the war on terror, the ignorance and the hypocrisy of today. There are some brilliant shots of people in black robes swamming into places all looking like a giant colony of ants. I especially love the depiction of the Christians who claim that they accept the existence of other groups just as long as they follow Christian values.

The acting is superb, Rachel Weisz does an amazing job as Hypatia, she's charming and intelligent and she has great chemistry which all the other actors, especially with Max Minghella who plays Davus the slave boy, many a poignant scene is shared between these two. Sami Samir plays Cyril of Alexandria, and boy does he play an horrific role, he's so ironically brutal and anyone watching this will be outraged to learn that he was later cannonised.

Everything about this movie is brilliant, just brilliant. If you are looking for a swords and sandals epic with sweaty muscly dudes slicing each other apart, and chick with flawless arses getting out of baths then this is not what you are looking for, even though there is plenty of violence (which is more brutal and disturbing than exhilarating) and Rachel Weisz does have a flawless arse and does step out of a bath in one scene. This is a poignant, thought provoking historical drama that will resonate well with you.

4.5 stars from me.

Easy A
Easy A(2010)
½

This I've been meaning to review for quite a while but never got round to it,

It's the story of a girl who lies about loosing her virginity which leads to a gay friend paying her to pretend to sleep with him so everyone will think he's straight. Needless to say she eventually starts a service for dorky guys to fake hooking up to boost their popularity, whilst the leader of the school God-Squad, sets out to destroy her.

This is a very entertaining film, Emma Stone does a great job, she I find is quite a charismatic actress, she's like a lesser Ellen Page.

Fuck, it's been so long since I've seen this, I really should have reviewed it earlier, I can't remember much else, but it was very good, not great but good.

It gets 3.5 stars from me, see it if you have the time.

The Circus
The Circus(1928)

Oh my God! This is the first Charlie Chaplin film I've ever seen, and I'll have to say now that I was absolutely delighted by what I saw!

This film is a slapstick comedy about The Tramp (Mr. Chaplin), and he finds himself on the scene of a travelling circus that is struggling to entertain people with its lame performances. After a run in with a pick pocket and the police, the Tramp accidentally entertains everybody.

Needless to say the ring master hires him, and he has the audience in stitches with his clumsiness. He also falls in love with the ring master's daughter (who is hot!).

We follow the tramp as everything unlikely that can happen to him does happen to him, like monkeys escaping, him getting chased by a disgruntled old mule and him getting locked in the lion cage.

This was a heart warming comedy with an intelligent, artistic side that would make this review too long if I were to break it down, but in the long run it was about the difficulties of comedy and the hilariousness of spontaneity.

It was an excellent break from the sex, violence, drugs, vulgarities and depressingness of the films I'm used to. And it also made me laugh (unlike a lot of old comedies /cough *Cary Grant*).

I give this 5 stars. Definitely recommended and I dunno why this is seen as a lesser work of Chaplin. I guess I'll have to watch some more of them then!

Rear Window
Rear Window(1954)

This movie is supposed to be a thiller. I didn't find it to be that thrilling really. It was interesting, I'll give it that, even though it was achingly predictable.

What this film really lacked was the cool Hitchcockian music, like Psycho did. Psycho was Hitchcock at his best, this movie was a great disappointment to me, I would expect better from Hitchcock. People have often talked about the so-called genre mixing in the windows. I thought that was kinda funny but really not enough to deem it a classic film.

I'm only giving this 3.5/5. It isn't a great movie but it's a good one.

The Social Network

So here we are, my review of The Social Network. Unfortunately I'm late with this and I can't say much about it that hasn't already been said, I'm just another guy giving it 100% and labeling it as one of the best movies of the year.

Well, the plot is... It's a bio pic of Mark Zuckerberg the guy who created Facebook and it highlights the legal battles etc. Blah blah blah, you already know.

David Fincher is an extremely talented director, and he handles this so well, the cinematography is as flawless as that in Orson Wells' Citizen Kane (I know. How many times have you heard that before?), he'll definitely get the Oscar for best director and yeah, this will get best picture.

This film is very, very engaging and provides you with an excellent character study of a genius. We follow Mark Zuckerberg as he ignores everything important in life that is right in front of him (even money) and pursues just making a name for himself as a genius. He is an utterly obnoxious character and is totally unlikeable, but does the film maker have to make the character likeable? No, he's like Citizen Kane, we don't like him at, but we understand him.

The actors all do an amazing job, Jesse Eisenberg is great as the lead, I didn't know he was that good, what's next is Michael Cera gunna churn out an Oscar worthy role? Andrew Garfield is brilliant as Eduardo Saverin, the estranged betrayed best friend of Zuckerberg, his performance is almost as good as Eisenberg's and if he doesn't get a nomination for best supporting I'm losing faith in the Oscars. Justin Timberlake has already proven that he's a better actor than he is a singer in various other films but in this he proves that he is in fact a fabulous actor.

Anyway I can't really say much else. I hope you enjoyed this review that just mirrors all the others.

I gotta give this 5 stars

The Town
The Town(2010)
½

Ben Affleck's back in the directing chair guys, and after seeing his previous film Gone Baby Gone, and absolutely loving it, and hearing such a good wrap from the critics and other users this is one I had high expectations of. Unfortunately it wasn't as good as I thought it would be.

Ben Affleck and Jeremy Renner play two bank robbing best friends from a neighbourhood in Boston that is said to breed bank robbers. Things start to get complicated for the two when Doug (Ben Affleck) starts a relationship with a woman whom they took hostage.

This movie tries to elevate itself above your average heist film and whilst it manages to be a little different it does not manage to rise above the others. There are moments of poignancy in this film but unfortunately there are moments that attempt to move you but don't quite get there, especially the ending which I won't spoil for you.

The acting is very good even, strong performances from everyone even Affleck, and especially Jeremy Renner who has gone nicely from playing an adrenaline addicted soldier to playing a violent ex-con. The chemistry between the two actors is great but it never reaches it's full potential.

There are also some tense shoot outs and car chases. Despite the great action and drama I found that the plot just plays out like every other heist movie. It was like Michael Mann's Heat only lacking the complexity and most of the intelligence.

Despite this film's lack of originality and it's failure to reach its full potential, it is still an enjoyable very well directed film with great cinematography and acting and engaging drama.

This one gets 3.5 stars from me

Red
Red(2010)
½

RED = Retired and Extremely Dangerous, with a title like that you don't expect a serious film and you sure as hell don't get one.

It's about a retired CIA agent, Frank Moses (Bruce Willis), who has started an over-the-phone friendship with Sarah Ross (Mary-Louise Parker) a young pension agency employee living in Cleveland. When a group of South African mercenaries shoot his house to pieces, forcing him to use his CIA skillz to defeat them, he figures they may go after his loved ones. Seeing his only real "loved one" is Sarah he travels to Cleveland to meet up with her and ensure her safety.

He takes her along while her assembles his old team, consisting of the wise old black guy, Joe Matheson (Morgan Freeman), the super insane explosives guy, Marvin Boggs (John Malkovich) and the super efficient ex-MI6 femme fatal, Victoria (Helen Mirren) and they set out to find uncover the conspiracy that is obviously at foot. Meanwhile super deadly agent William Cooper (Karl Urban) is out on a mission to get them.

This film is very silly but it sure is a lot of fun. Some really good action scenes, an engaging plot (even though it doesn't really add up in the end) and some great performances. You can tell the actors must have had fun playing their roles, the comedy springs mostly on seeing these aged actors unleashing hell. It's comical seeing Helen Mirren who we've gotten to know as quite the cultured English lady in her old age (now that she's too old to play all those risque roles) jumping around with a machine gun and John Malkovich does a hilarious performance. Bruce Willis and Morgan Freeman are good too, unfortunately Mary-Louise Parker doesn't do a great job, it's not bad but not great.

Overall this film has a few plot holes and doesn't make a lot of sense but it's both fun and funny and it gets 3.5 stars from me.

Fatty Finn
Fatty Finn(1980)

This is a film based on the iconic Australian comic strip Fat and His Friends created by Syd Nicholls. It's also a remake of the 1927 Australian film The Kid Stakes based on the same comic strip.

It's about a boy named Hubert Finn AKA Fatty Finn (he's not actually fat though) whose the leader of his little gang who are always in dispute with an older boy Bruser Murphy and his gang. All Fatty wants at the moment is a crystal radio so he can listen to Don Bradman play in his test match (it's set in the 1930s) so he tries his hardest to raise the money before the game by doing odd jobs and gambling and all.

The story is predictable and contrived but I think we can excuse that seeing that it's a kids' movie and all. This would have entertained me when I was about 8 and it is passable as a children's entertainment but don't expect it to be one of those kids flicks that takes you on and emotional rollercoaster or makes you think about anything or offers anything at all for the adults unless you grew up reading Nicholls comic strip in which it may provide you with a few memories.

This is a very Australian film, not annoyingly so but hiliariously so either. It's laden with lame slap-stick humour for example, Bruser's girl and one of his cronies going flying and landing head first in the back of the "dunny truck," very Australian, very pre-1970s. It also features some costumes that I couldn't imagine anyone wearing even in the 1930s. There is also an appearance by Burt Newton (a man I'd like to punch in the face!) as Fatty's father and a few mildly amusing moments. And there was a girl who bared a creepy resemblance to Eva Ionesco :S

Overall this is a lame film, it's not unwatchable, but I wouldn't recommend it. 2 stars from me

Jackass 3
Jackass 3(2010)
½

I gotta say, out of all the people in the cinema with me when I saw this I'd say I had the highest IQ. This is what we called dumb entertainment, but just because it's dumb doesn't mean it's not hilarious and entertaining. This film is a great way to kill 90 minutes of your life.

The Jackass gang are back with a whole range of silly new stunt, brought grotesquely to life with some surprisingly good 3D, yeah, you actually get to see bits of Dave England's infamous excrement flying at you.

The documentary style works it's charms again and there's not much more I can say about it really, I guess I could tell you about the stunts, but part of the fun of watching it is waiting to see what cool shit they've come up with.

Well I'll give this one a nice respectable 3.5 stars and think about what I'll review next

Paranormal Activity 2
½

Hey guys sorry about the delay between these reviews but my laptop hasbn't arrived yet. But just to keep y'all goin I thought I'd review Paranormal Activity 2.

Wow, what a let down. This is the sequel to last year's successful low-budget Blare Witch Project style horror film Paranormal Activity.

Basically it's about a family, a mother, father, 16-year-old daughter and new baby boy and an uber religious Mexican nanny, who move into a new house. It starts off with some home videos they make but then there is this 'break in' at their house so they install video cameras everywhere. And needless to say burglers are not the problem here.

Now I'd heard that this wasn't just a repeat of the original and this was a sequel was just as good if not better than the original. Well I gotta say, sorry, it kinda was.

This film is shot in the same style as the original, with the same cool creepy effects, but this one just isn't as scary the original. That's not to say they don't handle it well, there are actually some scary and intense moments in this film a couple of times in this you'll leap out of your seat. But the thing is, the original taps into your fear of the unknown, like where did this demon come from and why is it chasing this girl, whereas this one makes the mistake of explaining the demon's origin, I don't want to spoil that for you, but when I heard it I just thought "Oh, how original."

On the positive side the characters in this film are charming, perhaps more so than the original. The father is good natured and funny and it was a pleasure to have him on screen, the daughter, who I guess is the protagonist, is very loveable and charming, the baby is cute, the nanny introduces a lot of cliche but she interacts well the other characters and despite the fact that she doesn't speak much, as she doesn't speak English well she is a fairly likeable character. The mother I found to be boring, annoying and unlikeable, the actress does a good job but the character is just too antisocial lacks the chemistry that the others share.

I was going to rate this in the fresh range but the ending just blindsides you with the ultra lame scene that just looks tacked on. It just looks like the writers said "hey wait a minute! We didn't tie it to the original enough" and decided to throw in this scene that's not even scary or creepy in the slightest.

So, my final verdict, a good well handled horror film ruined by lame story telling. My rating 2.5 stars

Resident Evil: Afterlife

Disconnect, don't deconstruct one frame in this at all!
That is pointless everyone just wants to have a good time!
If you're wanting some good plotting!
Tender drama or something sincere!
Go see something completely different to this!

Okay not a very good song parody, but it accurately describes this movie. It's a dumbassed action sci-fi zombie film and nothing more.

I haven't seen the one before this so this made VERY little sense to me. Basically they've cloned Mila Jovovich's character and made heaps of them and now they've all escaped. And in the first ten minutes they all get killed except the original and she's a superhero for some reason. She get's injected with somethng and loses her powers. Then she set's out to find survivors. She finds some girl from a previous film and they manage then to find a group of survivors holed up in a prison. They team up to make it to some icebreaker out in the ocean.

Yep, silly plot all the way through. That combined with lazy scripting, boring characters and general cheesiness makes this an undeniably bad film.

You can pretty much predict everything that will happen here. Despite shittiness this is completely passable as stupid fun, REALLY stupid fun. Ya know there are some cool action scenes featuring many zombies and other creatures being totally butchered and shot and all that noise. You can also have a great time laughing at everything that is so ridiculous to the point of being comical, like some giant creature that for some reason has a massive hammer/axe thingy that can pwn people. I also laughed when I saw that the guy from Prison Break was in it, and who does he play? A sophisocated guy who is trapped in a prison cell! HA! Talk about type casting!

I cannot in any way shape or form proclaim that this is a good film at all, but I can safely say that I had a good time, especially because I dragged my poor mother to this (I asked her if she wanted to see The Girl Who Played with Fire, but she wanted to read the book first!) and I had a laugh at how much she hated it, her being a head English teacher and all, lol!

I give this pitifully funny film 2 stars.

Oh and by the way, the 3D sucks

Jack Ketchum's The Girl Next Door
½

Hey guys! I'm 18 now so as an "I'm 18 now" celebration I decided to watch an R rated movie (kinda meaningless seeing I've already seen about 300 million of them!). This one looked fucked up enough so I watched it.

This is apparently a true story about a boy, David, living in a country town in America. A girl, Meg, from New York City moves in with her aunt, who lives next door to David, after she loses her parents in a car accident which also leaves her younger sister, Susan, crippled needing to wear leg braces.

David and Meg quickly become friends, as David is already good friends with her aunt's three boys, but he sees that Meg and her aunt Ruth don't get along to well, they argue quite a lot. But as time goes by, David starts to realise that it's a little more than just a few arguments going on between them... yeah okay, take a look a the poster and I think you know what I mean.

This is an intense and dark coming of age thriller, that's not for the faint of hearted, not much is actually shown, but a lot is implied, and sometimes that's even worse! I felt incredibly sorry for both David and Meg and Susan as well. Aunt Ruth makes quite a horrifying villain.

The script is okay but not great and I think the acting needed a bit of improvement but that aside it was well made and well structured. It reminds you of Stephan King in a way, in fact King himself said: "This is the dark-side-of-the-moon version of Stand By Me."

This is worth watching definitely but I don't think I ever will again. I give this 3.5 stars

Australia
Australia(2008)

This was one of the last films I ever saw at the cinema in my town, pity it was not very good.

It's about an upper class English twat (Nicole Kidman) whose husband who owns property in Australia is killed, supposedly by an Aborigine and she is left in charge. Carny, an evil property owner (Brian Brown) is eager to take over her property and in order to stop him she must team up with a bronzed Aussie stock-man (Hugh Jackman) and drive 2000 across the harsh Australian country and needless to say a romance begins.

This was a massively anticipated film, everyone was geared to see it, $100 million as a budget? That makes it the most high budget Australian film of all time. We were all expecting a historical drama, something that would illustrate our colonial background to the rest of the world, but instead we got this.

Yes it is very visually spectacular, with great cinematography, there are a few scenes of Australian history illustrated here just with not much depth or detail and it's so cliche ridden. It alternates between being humorous and campy to being serious and sad. It's a very uneven film.

Overall it has entertainment value, it's watchable and humorous, but I'm glad I saw it at the cinema because this wouldn't have done it for me on home video.

3 stars

Tomorrow, When the War Began
½

Australian doesn't have a very rich film industry, so unfortunately most films we make are what the cast and crew will do for a round of beers. So in the end what get these days are, classy crime thrillers (Noise, Animal Kingdom), dark bleak confronting dramas (Beautiful Kate, Blessed), gruesome torture porn movies (The Horseman, Wolf Creek) and really shitty comedies (Boytown, You and Your Stupid Mate), we seldom make action movies, in fact I don't think we have since Mad Max - Beyond Thunder Dome, and we certainly have never made a high budget action flick.

This was made on a budget of about $30 million and it was just exhilarating. It's about seven teens who go camping in Hell, a forest area surrounded by cliffs. When they return they find that Australia's worst nightmare has come true, we've been invaded. The attackers have come through Cobbler's Bay which is near Wirrawee, the town the teens live in. Nearly everyone in town has been taken prisoner, some have even been killed. The teens then take a bunch of food, supplies, guns (it's the country they've all got 'em) and set up their own base in Hell, the safest place on earth. They then start using guerrilla tactics to try and fightback.

This movie is full of energy, so awesome car chases, spectacular explosion and shooting too, it's the most visually spectacular Australian film since Baz Luhrman's lame "Australia". Some bits of this were nail-bitingly realistic, if Australia got invaded we'd seriously be fucked completely in like a week, and Australians hate being pushed around by anyone, we have a tendency to show disdain toward people in uniform, that's why the cops beat people up all the time, so naturally there would be a hundred people shot for disobeying soldiers. But of course some bits are action movie-like but hey, that's what it is, isn't it?

I do have a few gripes about it though. For one, the characters could have been deeper I mean they weren't the most shallow of characters, but they could have been deeper. Secondly, the acting wasn't great, in fact one of them I thought was a tad on the shit side, but there was one actor who nailed it, the stoner that is, he plays a good role with some humour and he does it well. And another thing is the script, Stuart Beattie has written some good scripts before, like Pirates of the Caribbean and Collateral but this was missing something. And last of all, the bad guys, I know if Australia got invaded by anyone it would be Indonesia (unless the New Zealanders got sick of all the bestiality jokes), but seriously, I think the race issues didn't transfer well to screen. In the book John Marsden does a good job of hiding the race and nationality of the invaders but here it just hides the nationality, they do try and cover it up a bit but it never quite works. Some bogan is gunna watch this and see it as an anti-boat people message and increase his xenophobia.

Despite my gripes this is a well made, very tense, pulse pounding action film and it's a lot of fun. I give this 3.5 out of 5 stars.

Lat sau san taam (Hard-Boiled)
½

I really enjoyed Face/Off, but this is the first Hong Kong John Woo film I've seen, and I gotta tell, it was amazing!

This is one of the best action films I've ever seen! The plot is kinda silly but it's an action movie, not a drama. It's about Inspector "Tequilla" Yuen, Hong Kong's most bad-ass super cop who's partner is killed whilst investigating an arms dealers ring, in a tea house shoot out where no piece of china goes unbroken. Burning for revenge Tequilla teams up with an undercover cop Alan, in order to take down Johnny Wong and his arms smuggling buddies for good.

John Woo really knows how to direct an action scene, he keeps the blood racing like there's no tomorrow, don't watch it with your grandparents or they might die of heart attacks. There is everything in this movie, guns, explosions, motorbikes, motorbikes slamming into people, one guy single-handedly taking on 20 or 30 bad guys and surviving without a scratch, you name it. It also doesn't hold back with violence, Sam Peckinpah has not been forgotten, there is blood spray and slow-mo.

Another think that action movies lack nowadays is likable characters, Chow Yun-fat and Tony Leung Chiu-Wai have great chemistry, dialogue between them flows, we all ways know what point their relationship is at, whereas today you see these movies where one hero will pull a gun on the other hero and I'll be like "Hey aren't they friends?" And seeing these guys killing the bad dudes together is just excellent they fire back-to-back, weaving in and out each other, give cover and split up at all the right moments.

I could rave for hours on how much I enjoyed this film, it cooks all the Die Hards the same way Vanilla Ice cooks MCs, like a pound of bacon!!!

4.5 stars, you need to see this! A true must see for all action lovers.

The Fast and the Furious

53%? Why so high? I can't believe how little hate was spilled on this movie! This is just pure shit!

It's about a police officer who goes undercover and to spy on some street racers who are supposedly involved in crime, and he eventually becomes attached to them.

Yep that's the whole plot, there is no elaboration on the dodgy deals the characters get down with, no big street racing competition, no tension with the bad guys, in fact I didn't even get what the beef was between the good guy and the bad guy.

This is a character driven film with the most boring 2 dimensional characters, who lack any wit or charm and I just didn't give a fuck about any of them, if they all died then I would have been happy!

This film lacks any form of continuity and goes absolutely nowhere! It also has a really lame script and bad acting! And also in case you don't know, I hate Vin Diesel his presence irritates me. All this movie has is hot bitches and fast cars and I seriously can't see any other reason that anyone would watch this.

Again, why does everyone keep hating on Michael Bay when there's shit like this about? I thought I'd get a fun silly action film and I got this! It reminded me of an old Australian B-movie called Stone, and let me tell you, that was a much more entertaining film!

I give this 1 star! It sucked!!!

Sleepaway Camp
½

Now here is a film with potential! A slasher film that could have been so much more!

This movie has a typical dead teenager flick plot, it's about a shy girl named Angela, who's been psychologically damaged after her father and brother were killed in a boating accident, she now lives with her aunt and her cousin Ricky. Eight years after the accident she and Ricky head off to summer camp together. Ricky hangs with the boys but Angela has trouble fitting in with the girls who perceive her unwillingness to talk as a sign that she is a stuck-up bitch.

Angela soon starts to feel comfortable when Ricky's best friend Paul warms up to her, the two soon form a relationship. And needless to say, people start getting killed.

Now this film, as I said before had potential, I swear to God, I wasn't just sitting there waiting for the next person to get killed. I was just as entertained by the drama as was by the horror, some of the characters I actually did sorta care about, and it's always a pleasure to see a character get killed because it's always the one that you hate and I even felt a little bit of emotion for Angela and Paul, for a few seconds anyway. I can honestly say that this could have been a good movie if it wasn't for the fact that it sucked.

The acting in this is just awful, so bad that I laughed at them a few times. The script needless to say is the same, S-H-I-T, and the cinematography and music is really lame. The killing scenes are by far not gory enough for a slasher movie and are so ridiculous that they make you laugh. And worst of all this movie has no focus it doesn't really cash in on random sex and violence but it doesn't focus enough on the romance either, or it does so in rather dodgy way.

This movie is literally flawed from the word go, but it's still watchable. If they were to remake this and left it in the hands of a compotant filmmaker then you could have yourself a really good movie here.

This is one to see even though it's not very good. I should be giving it a lower rating than I am, but 2.5 stars.

Baraka
Baraka(1993)

Now this is something to watch on acid, this film has no traditional story line, it's supposedly a documentary but it has no narration or anything that explains what is going on, no dialogue is ever heard from any of the people save for a little native chanting.

It consists of merely a series of beautifully filmed scenes from all over the world with brilliant scores playing in the background. The scenes are filmed in Africa, Indonesia, Australia, America, The Middle East, everywhere you can think of. The scenes feature all sorts of things happening, from native rituals to cars carrying people off to work, from animals in the jungle to troops with guns in thrid world countries. The tag line says it all, this a world beyond words.

There's not much else I can say about it, I reckon they should rename it 2001: An Earth Odyssey. It's like looking at this mysterious world we live in through a new set of eyes.

This is a film that will never leave you. I give this 5 out of 5 stars, I don't know what else to give it.

Babel
Babel(2006)

Ah, Babel, my second favourite movie of all time.

Babel follows the lives of two mountain dwelling Moroccan goat herder boys, a Mexican nanny working in America looking after two children, a traveling American couple who are the parents of the two children the nanny looks after and a deaf mute Japanese girl who is ignored all the time and is in constant search of intimacy.

These stories are all tied together when the American woman is shot and wounded on a tour bus in Morocco. The Moroccan boys do the shooting by accident whilst foolishly playing with a gun. The world kinda falls apart for everyone when this happens.

This is a movie about peoples' intolerance of people who are different to them. Now a lot of films have dealt with this concept before, so the subject matter is not new, but this time it feels a lot different. Most films go in directly and attack racism and religious extremism and explore the violence that occurs, they just go ahead and shout "Look! Look at these people! How can they treat another human being like that? Just because of the colour of his skin!" Whereas Babel steers away from that, it explores the confusion and frustration encountered when cultures mix, hence the name Babel.

They all have their encounters with people who are different, but it never feels self-righteous because it deals with confusion instead of hatred. The nanny runs into problems with border security because she is a Mexican woman in a car with an intoxicated Mexican driving and two white kids in the back who definitely aren't hers, the border guards act within their rights to apprehend them as opposed to being all "Hurr, we're boarder security and we're going to arrest who and molest you and you can't do anything because we're white and your Mexican and we're the law men!" *coughCrashcough* They do so due to the confusion caused by the racial barrier.

The American couple run into trouble in Morocco when they are stranded in a country where not much English is spoken. The husband is angry and frustrated when an ambulance doesn't show up immediately like it would in America and resorts to abuse and threats. And no one really cares too much, not because he's an American infidel pig-dog, but just because he appears to be a crazy guy shouting a bunch of babble (that word originates from the word Babel), and they can't really sympathise with him, the same thing could happen anywhere in the world.

The boys get their share of confusion when two objects they know but aren't acquainted with enter their lives, a gun and a bus. They shoot think it'll be fun to shoot the bus, they don't consider who might get hit. And the government instead of being a brutal third world government (actually they are quite brutal) who simply murder everyone to solve the problem, they try to solve it ASAP because they don't want to be panned as a terrorist country as is likely to happen in this day and age.

And finally the Japanese girl. She is quite a poignant figure despite the fact that she is not as connected to the story as the others are. Instead of being met with cruelty because of her disability she is met only with indifference. The people around her aren't demonised because it's very difficult to connect with someone who you can't communicate with unless you know sign language, so we can kinda understand why she is ignored. She get's noticed in the only way she can which is to attempt to seduce men sexually. She is often pushed away for doing so because people fail to realise that she is not necessarily looking for someone to fuck, she is merely looking for someone to connect with.

No one is the good guy, no one is the bad guy, they're all just people separated from their surroundings by an inability to communicate. Hence the name Babel, which is taken from a biblical story in which God scattered people around the world and changed their languages rendering them unable to communicate and therefore unable to work together and complete the tower of Babel. It doesn't go the path of other films such as Crash and American History X by showing violence and hatred, only confusion and frustration.

This is one of the cleverest, most emotionally wrenching and entertaining films I have ever seen. Director Alejandro Gonzlez Irritu presents us with his best work so far, even though it's in the same style as 21 Grams and Amores Perros it more mature and sophisticated than both of them. It's backed up by an excellent script by Guillermo Arriaga, great performances by Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchet, Adriana Barraza and Rinko Kikuchi brilliant cinematography by Rodrigo Prieto and haunting music scores by Gustavo Santaolalla (I had to credit their names here).

How The Departed won Best Picture over this I will never know, probably just because the Academy realised that Martin Scorsese is one of the best directors alive but didn't have an Oscar yet nor had any of his films won.

I give this 5 out of 5 stars, it is a must see for all film lovers.

Satan's Cannibal Holocaust

Well what did you expect? The Godfather of horror?

Not to be confused with that other low budget horror film that was actually good, this super low budget movie is about a reporter who is doing a story about her father's soup kitchen and how it's helped the homeless and decreased unemployment rates. Whilst interviewing a homeless guy he tells her that the reason there are less and less homeless people is because a Satanic cannibal cult is killing and eating them. Of course she thinks he's just crazy, but his story is backed up by the fact that employment rates have not risen as the the unemployment rates drop and things start to get a little bit quirky when the his severed head turns up in a cardboard box with her name on it. She has to get to the bottom of this.

This is an utterly retarded movie as you probably already figured, the acting is epically bad, the characters are under developed, the film quality is cheap, the cinematography is awful, the story leads nowhere and the script is incredibly cheesy. This, so-called, horror movie generates way more laughs than it does scares, like for example a voice over telling you how horrible maimed and disheveled a murder victim was and you are prepared for the worst, but this is so low budget that all these horrific mutilations amount to a woman lying naked in a bath tub with a little bit of blood on her.

If you're expecting it to be one of those exploitation films where everyone says how much fun it was and then when you watch you are just so shocked and horrified by how off-puttingly violent it is then you've got the wrong idea. This movie is not without it's bloody and brutal moments, but these bloody and brutal moments are handled so poorly that you just end up laughing at them and it's so low budget that they can't even show blood coming out of somebody, they can't even afford to show flesh wounds on people, in fact there's a scene is which someone rips flesh off someone's face, and he literally peels what is obviously raw meat off this guy's face to reveal a patch of fake blood, hahahaha!

Another good thing about this movie is that it manages to stay free of gratuitous rape scenes, which a lot of sicko exploitation directors unfortunately like to cash in on, it does contain a scene of people ritualistically copulating in a pool of blood, but apart from that there is no sexual depravity, the annoying psycho girl doesn't even touch herself when she is killing people. I would have welcomed a little more gratuitous softcore nudity, but at least there's no rape, so bravo on that.

Overall this is a crappy movie, entertaining but complete and utter crap. I should give this much less but it I also watched Eagle Eye today and I gotta tell you this was so much more enjoyable, I give this 2 stars out of 5.

And thank you KaJe for requesting this review I'm glad you liked my story.

Eagle Eye
Eagle Eye(2008)

Eagle Eye is a big budget, modern day, fast-paced, action-thriller of the "why didn't they just do that in the first place?" caliber.

It starts with a fairly run-of-the-mill thriller setting, which catches your attention because you aren't really expecting much in the way of originality, Shia LaBeouf plays, Jerry, some down on his luck dude with a few family problems, his twin brother, the favoured child has just died in a car crash and he's becoming a stranger in his own home (they decide to abandon most of this drama afterward and focus on action). And all of a sudden there is seven hundred and fifty grand in his bank account, his apartment is filled with high-powered weapons, bombs and bazookas and shit, and the FBI after him. A woman contacts him on the phone and starts to give him instructions on how to evade the authorities and get into car chases etc. Like an action GPS, "Smash fruit stand next 50m".

At the same time a single mother, Rachel (Michelle Monaghan), is has put her son on board a train to go with the school band to play for the president in the White House. All of a sudden she is contacted by this woman, who seems to be able to control everything electronic, and she tells her to do as she says or she'll derail her son's train and kill him. So she has to meet up with Jerry and they are chased across the country by the FBI whilst some sinister and totally ludicrous plot unfolds.

This movie keeps you watching it not because it's really entertaining or anything but because you want to know what this whole big plot is all about. In the end though I gotta say it's not really worth it, it's unlikely even for an action film, they manage to make most of it fit together but there's always that one little missing link that makes it all fall apart again.

The repetition of the line "No questions!" reflects the nature of this movie, like... I could give you examples but that would be giving away stupid plot points, basically there are so many questions that need answering, and I think the woman on the phone is talking to the audience as opposed to the characters.

The script is lazy and the characters have no chemistry or charm. Shia LaBeouf despite what people say about him is not a bad actor and him and Michelle Monaghan do okay in their roles but the script and the characters don't give them much to work with so the performances are quite unremarkable. They sure aren't the characters we saw in Transformers and Gone Baby Gone.

The CGI and special effects are pretty good as expected in a Michael Bay produced action film but they alone cannot save the film. Despite the visuals the actions scenes are crap, they look like they were filmed by Peter Garrett, I could tell what the fuck was going on during them and of course they are incredibly softcore and shy away from any kind of graphic violence (no hard swearing either, you can tell who this was aimed at).

In the end all this is a stupid, pussy-arsed, watered down action movie that no only asks you to suspend your disbelief but your intelligence as well. All of those people who saw Transformers as an insult to the audiences intelligence need to watch this, Transformers was a sci-fi film at least, this is just retarded.

This is softcore action at its worst and I give it 1 star

The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest

Lisbeth Salander, the girl who has a dragon tattoo and enjoys playing with fire has now developed a recent interest in kicking hornet's nests in this exciting conclusion to the great Millennium Trilogy, The Air Castle that Blew Up (which is the correct title by the way).

>> WARNING!!! THIS SYNOPSIS CONTAINS SPOILERS TO THE GIRL WHO PLAYED WITH FIRE!!! DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU HAVE SEEN IT!!! >>

This one picks up where it's predecessor left off. Salander is in hospital with multiple bullet wounds, her father Zalachenko is also in hospital with multiple axe wounds, her half-brother Ronald Nidermman is still at large and Mikael Blomkvist is working hard to undercover the conspiracy.

Zalachenko's prison sentence seems inevitable and the members of the big conspiracy (most of them nearly dead now :P) think he'll talk. So they pour all their efforts into convincing him to remain silent, sending Salander to the nut house and keeping Mikael Blomkvist and his Millennium buddies from writing an article on their conspiracy.

>> SPOILERS END HERE >>

The good thing about this trilogy is that they all aren't just repeats of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, I always feel like it's a fresh new film. Dragon Tattoo is to the two sequels as The Hobbit was to the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, it stands alone and does so as the best in the series, the second two are just as good as each other.

This one packs a decent amount of political thriller and intense courtroom drama, there is never a moment where you don't care what is going to happen next.

The actors are still really good and the characters just keep on intriguing you. I am so pissed off with Steig Larsson for dying! I want more of this trilogy, you can kinda tell that he wanted to write more, the origin of the dragon tattoo still isn't explained.

Anyone who was awaiting this movie then you will not be disappointed. I give this 4 out of 5 stars.

The Girl Who Played with Fire (Flickan som lekte med elden)

Here we are with the second exciting installment of the Millennium Trilogy, Flickan Som Lekte Med Elden or The Girl Who Played with Fire, the only film in this series that shares it's title with that of its novel.

Bad-ass Lisbeth Salander is back in Sweden after the death of her mother. She's traveling around a bit, saying hello to a few friends but things are complicated when her horrible, rapist guardian is murdered with his own pistol as are a Millennium Magazine journalist and his criminologist wife who are writing a book about human trafficking. Salander's fingerprints on the gun and the fact that the journalist recently did an article on IT computer hackers get her framed immediately, so she sets out to find the bastard who actually committed the murders but her motives are actually more personal than that.

Journalist Michael Blomkvist knows that it wasn't really her and sets out to prove her innocence and find out the real reason behind his fellow journalist's murder.

This film may not have packed as much of the emotional power that The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo did but damn was this one exciting! I couldn't stop watching it! My parents could have been burning in a fire and I wouldn't have known!

The cinematography was fabulous but not as good as in was in Dragon Tattoo, same with the script, but the performances are still spot on and the story is actually fairly believable, of course there are some make-believe movie elements but hey, it's a thriller, not a documentary.

I definitely have to see The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest now!

I give this 4 out of 5 stars!

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
½

Wow, this I gotta say is one of the best thrillers I've ever seen. I've seen it twice now and it was still thrilling the second time round.

I'll keep the plot synopsis short. A girl went missing 40 years ago, and her wealthy uncle who realises he's going to die soon hires a disgraced journalist to find out what happened to her, he suspects she was murdered by a member of the jealous family. The journalist is aided by a mentally damaged female computer hacker who must overcome her difficulties with the Swedish legal system.

This film is one that ropes you right in and doesn't let you, the two and a half hour running time just flows by, it sure ain't a popcorn flick though, there are some pretty fucked up parts in this movie and I hear Stieg Larsson's novel is even worse. The story is dark and moderately complex, which is just what you want in a murder mystery, there is always a feeling of danger on this island. The uncle's family are truly devious, fucked up people and you're always suspecting one of them to leap right out of the trees and shoot Blomkvist or Salander in the face.

I found myself laughing at a few inappropriate times during this film, there is some beautiful irony. Lisbeth Salander I gotta add to the list of best female characters in cinema, she's small and she ain't exactly a Kung-Fu expert or anything but you don't wanna fuck with her. Her character is developed so nicely and brought to life so well by Noomi Rapace's amazing performance. I even though she was attractive even though a lot of people will probably say otherwise.

I'm upset that the director didn't do the sequels because he did an amazing job. Daniel Alfredson did though, he's the brother of Thomas Alfredson who did Let the Right One In, my favourite movie, so let's just hope mad directing skillz runs in the family.

I am giving this 4.5 stars and I wanna read the book now.

Mockingbird Don't Sing

This independent film is a fictionalisation of a truly fucked story, of extreme child abuse, the true story of Genie the wild child. Would you believe this? From age one, her parents strapped the poor girl to a potty chair and kept her in isolation till she was 13 years old. When her mother left her father took her with her when seeking benefits for the blind, she thought that she was 6 years old and autistic. Jesus Christ, it sends shivers down your spine.

This film dramatises the events and changes the names. Genie's name is now Katie. We get the story of her relationship with UCLA grad student Sandra Tannen and the problems they encounter along the way.

This film shifts in mood quite a bit. It goes from disturbing to feel-good and cute then flashes back to disturbing then a little depressing. Sometimes I think it shifted mood a little too much, but it was okay. It's a very engaging film, totally watchable but in the end it's not that great. There are some emotions in this film but not enough really. I was expecting it to hit the tender button a couple of times but it never quite got there.

The actors I found to be quite average, I would really say they were bad but they certainly weren't not worthy, except that of 11-year-old Tarra Steele who does a convincing job as Katie.

Overall I think that this could have been a lot better. It's worth watching but don't bust your arse looking for it.

I'll give it 3 stars

Suspiria
Suspiria(1977)

Suspiria opens with a narrator describing the main character. It's that strong male storybook voice, you remember those tapes when you were kid? Disney audio? Famous Five? Any of those kids audio books, you listened to them before bed, and if you had nightmares you could listen to them for a bit before going back to sleep? You'd hear that voice, and feel safe? That is the voice this film opens with reassuring you that there is a narrator here, a narrator to project you from the evil that lurks within this film. But alas, the narrator fades out in mid-sentence never to reappear again. We are left totally vulnerable and alone.

The opening scene has to be one of the most menacing scenes ever. A girl on her way to ballet boarding school on a rainy night seems like she could be slashed to pieces at any given moment. Even the electronic sliding doors at the airport seem like blades ready to slice and dice.

The film is about an American girl who goes to a ballet school in Germany and the night she arrives there a girl who has been expelled recently is murdered in one of the most haunting and menacing murder scenes I have ever seen in a horror film. After that she and another girl she befriends try and work out what is wrong at this school. Something doesn't seem quite right.

This film is very well put together, director Dario Argento puts aside his usual excessive amounts of blood and gore (that's not to say there isn't any) and let's his skills as a director flow. The lighting and the camera work are spot on, and that together with spine-chilling music and the super creepy sets make you feel like there are ghosts lurking in the walls.

The acting I thought needed a bit of work and the dialogue was just a bit cheesy in places and I thought that it should have been in Italian but flaws aside it is still one of the most atmospheric horror films I've ever seen and I recommend it to all fans of the genre.

This gets 4 stars from me

Santa Sangre
Santa Sangre(1989)

Now here's a film that most of you probably haven't seen.

Santa Sangre or Holy Blood, a film by the multi-talented Alejandro Jodorowsky, who directed such cult films as El Topo, The Holy Mountain and Fando and Lis.

I didn't like Fando and Lis and I loved El Topo and The Holy Mountain. This I must say topped both of those films.

Whilst The Holy Mountain is a metaphysical Sci-Fi and El Topo is a metaphysical Western this is a metaphysical Horror film. It opens with our protagonist, Fenix, in a mental institution, he refuses to wear clothes or eat like a human, he is in an animalistic state. We flash back to his childhood in which he was a magician in a circus, his father was a knife thrower and his mother was a trapeze artist and was also the minister at the heretical church Santa Sangre where they worship their patron saint who is a young virgin whose arms where cut off by rapists. His best friend was a deaf-mute mime girl and we get a cute little relationship there.

But then we witness the major traumatic experience that results in his institutionalisation, his mother catches his father having an affair with his assistant, and being the religious zealot she is, she punishes him in the ever so macabre way of throwing acid on his man meat, in return he cuts off her arms (how cruelly ironic) then kills himself. The little mime girl is then taken way from him. Pretty fucked up childhood huh? Kinda sounds like one of those macabre Abrabic fairy tales.

Anyway back to the present. After he regains his humanity he escapes from the institution and finds his mother and the circus folk again and unwillingly becomes his mother's hands and is forced to submit to her will.

I think I gotta rank this one among my favourite films of all time. It's a surrealist film that actually makes sense. It offers a Felliniesque commentary on religion, society and the nature of humanity whilst at the same time offers an Argentoesque (the producer/writer is actually Dario Argento's younger brother Claudio Argento) horror film with plenty of eerie scares and lots of bizarre blood and gore.

This one, unlike Jodorowsky's other works, is not a fantasy film, all the strange, surreal, metaphysical imagery is the result of the character's hallucinations, this film is almost realistic (not quite though). Another thing which makes this surrealist picture so good is it's human qualities, one of the things that most surrealist pictures lack is human emotion, but this film has it in spades. I had tears in my eyes during many of the scenes here.

This strange film will never leave your mind, it certainly left me wanting to watch it again and again. Fans of horror, art-house and even grindhouse, this is most definitely a perfect film for you.

It's eerie, scary, enthralling, haunting and touching and I give it 5 out of 5 stars no less.

Home
Home(2009)

Okay, here I am after watching those bad movies I'm back on watching good ones. No more Alien Raiders, no more LA Takedown, no more Hills Have Eyes II, back to the good stuff now.

Home is an independent French film, I usually am prejudiced against French films but this one was excellent. It's about a family living in a house on a quite road in a rural area. Their life is changed for the worse when a highway is built right by their house. A road that used to see one car a day now sees non-stop traffic all day every day.

We follow this family as their mental states go to the dog house. It states lively and cheerful and ends claustrophobic and nauseous. Round the beginning we are greeted with nice scenes like a family game of slider hockey in the middle of the road and a lazy eldest sister relaxing in a bikini in a calm environment and round the end we get these uncomfortable scenes like a hot and sweaty family all trying to sleep in the same room just to get away from the noise and a family members doing random, irrational things like tearing off one's clothes and snapping about how they aren't as pretty as the older sister when simply asked if they have any whites in need of washing.

This is a manipulative film, a good script and good performances make you feel what the family feels. When they are happy you their comfort and ease, when they are stressed you feel their frustration and angst. This isn't a movie for everyone, it can be quite frustrating and uncomfortable at times and if you aren't into that then don't watch it. If you are one to appreciate a film for it's skill to make you empathise then I strongly recommend this.

4 stars from me

The Hills Have Eyes 2

Now this is what I'm talkin' about! I've seen too many excellent films and I needed a shit film to tide me over.

This is a shit sequel to a shit remake of a fairly good horror film. It's about a group of military scientists working in a mine that has been effected by nuclear testing and it's full of deformed mutant people who are for some reason immensely strong and near indestructible. Needless to say the scientists are killed in graphic detail. Seven national guard trainees and their Sergent receive a help signal from a wounded scientist, and then they end up in the mine and their car gets blown up and their phones don't work and the radio get's smashed and blah, blah, blah you can work the rest out.

The first film (the remake that is) was sort of a guilty pleasure film, ya know one that you enjoy but can't bring yourself to give it a fresh rating and you can have fun by picking which character dies next. This film is not like that, this one just eats balls. At first you think it will be like that after you see the scientists get killed but after that it just becomes slow and boring.

It spends too much time trying unsuccessfully to build suspense and not enough time developing the characters, ya know so you can predict which one dies next, and not nearly enough time killing them. There are no likable, interesting or funny characters in this they are all so boring, I hated all of them and not in an "I hate him and want him to die first!" kinda way, I hated them in an "oh fuck I don't care just kill one of them already and stop trying to build suspense you suck at it!" type of way. Man some of the deaths were downright uneventful at one stage, we've been waiting for a killing for like 20 minutes and there are two characters we know will die (how do I know? One of them is black and the other is Mexican) and there are three characters we know will survive and we are waiting, waiting, waiting for these two to die (I don't care if I'm spoiling this for you) and then one of them all of a sudden bleeds to death and then a few minutes later the other accidentally blows himself up. WTF?! I waited this long just for that?

Final verdict, boring, unsuspensful even though it tries to be, unoriginal, totally ludicrous and overall shit. Not to mention badly scripted and badly acted.

On the plus side though it reminds us how great Predator is. I give this 1 star

Child Bride
Child Bride(1938)

I watched this film online quite legally as it has been released into the public domain. I'd say the reason for that is that literally no one wants to buy it anyone.

Old people criticise our generation for making crappy movies with shitloads of SFX and no plot, to that I say at least we don't make movies like this! This movie fucking sucks! And no this isn't ballsy old Vampire Reilly sinking his hateful fangs into another classic movie like Romeo and Juliet or Casablanca, check out a review anywhere and it will say the same thing.

This is one of those movies that those low life film directors of the 30s and 40s made by exploiting the church. They'd say that they were "promoting the values of God-fearing Americans" by making this crap that claimed to be anti-drugs, anti-communism and anti-premarital sex but was really just an excuse to show it on screen. You got crap like Reefer Madness, The Red Menace and Mom and Dad.

This one was made in the deep South where grown men were marrying little girls (fucking Southies!) and this film is anti-that. It's about a Christian teacher in a town who all the children look up to. She is saddened by the amount of her students who are being married off to older men and when her brightest student 12-year-old Jennie is engaged to the town bastard, much to the dismay of her boyfriend Freddy, she decides to campaign to make child marriage illegal. The men in town don't like this and decide to get rid of her.

Now I know what your thinking, despite being shit this film still must be dark and disturbing as most Southies are, well, not really. The acting is more disturbing than than any of the imagery in the film, it's failage to the extreme! It's nearly as bad as the acting in Plan 9 and don't get me started on the script. Of course it has to have a selling point as the films do, it has to be racy. Well back in 1938 being racy wasn't really that hard, you didn't need auto-erotic asphyxia, or graphic incest to shock the audience. It's selling point however is the reason they decided to preserve this film as opposed to simply burning it (which I would have done), it features an infamous scene in which 12-year-old Shelly Mills strips off her clothes and proceeds to swim naked whilst the town bastard watches her O.o. Man that's disturbing, not! In a better film with better actors this could have chilled to the bone, but this movie is just too fucking retarded to take seriously. The scene just appears as random, not even sexual nor disturbing, the actor playing the bad-guy is so unconvincing that he appeared as a respectable human being as opposed to a pervert, whilst the supposed good guy appears more perverted than him.

Apart from that lame controversial scene this film also sells on a few murder scenes (which are so bad that I laughed when I saw them) in order to fill in the gaps in one seriously boring story.

I give this 0.5 stars. Why not 0? I dunno, probably because it doesn't torture you with it's excruciating awfulness for much more than 1 hour.

You can throw this on the pile with Reefer Madness and The Red Menace only watch it for the lulz.

Mixed Company

No! I'm not reviewing this movie! It's 1 in the morning and I wanna go to bed! Leave me alone!

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
½

This has got to be the funniest movie of this year.

It's about a guy named Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera) who lives in Toronto and plays bass guitar in a band called Sex Bob-omb, who are brilliant by the way, not like those shit singers in The Raven. It's been a year since he broke up with his girlfriend and he's trying to come out of the mourning phase by dating a Chinese high-school girl named Knives Chau (Ellen Wong). But just when he is really getting into Knives he meets an American girl named Ramona Flowers who is the girl of his dreams. After winning Ramona over he now not only has to find a way to let go of Knives without hurting her but he must also face something bigger, Ramona has 7 evil exes who are all intent on destroying Scott, and Scott alone must defeat them all.

This movie is alternates between being in the real world in which people play music and date each other, and being in a fantasy world in which playing music causes giant yetis and dragons to rise up and fight each other and defeating someone in a Kung-Fu fight causes them to explode in a shower of coins and make you gain points.

That whole wtf factor makes this movie all the more funny. These visually amazing fight scenes aren't meant to be hyperbolic fantasies of the characters showing their intent on defeating each other, they are meant to be real. Funny concept eh? I was almost doubled over in my seat laughing at this.

It features an hilarious script and some great comic performances, and I think a few of these actors will receive Golden Globe nominations and if they don't I will lose my faith in them (Holy shit! I actually had faith in them to start with?). The CGI isn't over the top and won't give you a headache even if you do watch it on the big screen like I did.

I'm very proud to say that I saw this at the cinema this year, it was actually better than Kick-Ass and I'm giving it 4.5 stars. If you want to have a really good time then go see this.

Oh and by the way I strongly recommend this to anyone who likes video games, especially those old Mortal Kombat style ones, the fight scenes pay massive tribute to them.

The Ghost Writer

This is gunna get a Best Picture nominee for sure. There's no two ways about it.

This new film from Roman "Pedobear" Polanski is about a ghost writer played by Ewan McGregor, if you don't know what that is it's someone who is paid to writer someone else's memoirs pretending to be them. He is hired by former British Prime Minister, Adam Lang, (Pierce Brosnan) (Yes, finally he's not James Bond and he's not singing) after Lang's previous ghost writer drowns. Lang is living in exile in America after starting many illegal wars and things are looking very suspicious, especially with the cause of the ex-ghost writer's death being unknown, was it an accident or suicide or...

This is a very smart thriller and is relevant to the times. The script is excellent and the performances brilliant. Bleak settings and great cinematography create a very uncomfortable atmosphere, but this film could have been made a lot better if it had had more thrills. It's entertaining but not exactly nail-biting, I felt discomfort with his surroundings but not to the extent that he was in constant danger. Some more awesome thriller music would have been greatly appreciated.

I can't give this any more than 4 stars I may go over it again sometime though. I do recommend that you see it

Inception
Inception(2010)
½

Okay, Friday night I went to a party, where there was alcohol. It's a long story but in the end I consumed too much too quickly, ended up in an unconscious state and woke up in hospital. But while I was unconscious at the party my friend was looking after me and he told me that even though I was unable to move my arms or legs or see I managed to tell him how excited I was to be going to see Inception tomorrow and explain what the critics have been saying about it and how thematically brilliant it was and laugh about how I could either be seeing this or Knight and Day... I have no recollection of saying any of that but okay. At least I brought some humour to an otherwise regretful night.

Well I was too hung over to see it on Saturday but I saw it on Sunday and let me tell you now, Nolan has really lived up to the expectations. This was one entertaining and intelligent film. It proves that just because it's a Summer (or Winter in my case) blockbuster action flick doesn't mean it's stupid and brainless.

You all know what it's about, so I won't bore you with a plot synopsis seeing you've read a million already and will probably scream if you hear the words extraction, inception or Cobb again. It's a good, complex story with plenty of action. The dialogue is very good, it's the type where you know there's something meaningful being discussed so you just have listen really hard and have no trouble doing so as it's very engaging.

The action is just awe inducing, it's visually spectacular and well edited film wise and sound wise. This is definitely going to take home a few technical Oscars. You'll find a lot of movies choose action over suspense, and the action after a while just gets really boring *cough*300*cough*. This one whilst having shitloads of action is still amazingly suspenseful, it employs that "beat the clock" action that gets you really tensing up in your seat. So despite the fact that this movie is about two and half hours long I seriously would not have been too fussed if it went on for three hours or more. The was never a boring moment, getting up to go to the toilet I was literally bolting there and back.

The acting was really good. Great performances Leonardo DiCaprio, who's acting ability is getting even better with age, Marion Cotillard, who gives an emotionally wrenching performance, Ellen Page, who plays her part so well and manages to be charming and hot at the same time and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who I'm glad to see isn't pining after a vacuous rich girl or whoring his pooper out to dirty old men this time. The actors all did a great job and are worthy of note.

This is Christopher Nolan's best film to date, it's better than Memento and Following. I was expecting it to be overhyped like The Dark Knight was, but no, it was excellent. Nolan is one of the most talented directors working in Hollywood today and is yet to make a bad film.

I give this 4.5 stars. Why am I not giving it 5? Because this is one of those films like Blade Runner and The Matrix, you gotta watch it more than once. When this comes out on DVD I am renting it immediately. I may review it again then. I recommend you go see this as soon as possible.

Les Diables
Les Diables(2002)
½

This is French coming-of-age cinema at it's best!

This is a greatly emotional psychological drama about a two fraternal twins, Joseph and Chloe, who were abandon by their mother as babies. Chloe is autistic and cannot talk, freaks out when anyone, including Joseph, touches her and collects broken shards in a bag, but Joseph loves her a lot and he ran from various foster homes until they found one to take them both. He dreams of finding his parents again, all he has is a photo of the house and she makes mosaics of the house he speaks of. He believes that if she returns home she will be cured of her autism. So they run away together but are caught and sent to another home in which she is evaluated by a professional psychologist. Joseph slowly falls into mental decline after he is confronted with the truth not only of his parents and the house he dreams of but the truth of his sister's emotional complex.

After a few horrifyingly bad French art house movies, pointing the finger at Baise-moi and Anatomy of Hell this one proved to be a really good one. It's emotionally rich, intense, a great character study and a sweet coming-of-age story.

The acting is pretty good especially from the two kids in the leads, Adele Haene plays a convincing autistic girl and Vincent Rottiers plays a good angsty 12 year old boy.

It starts well and ends well and it engages you the whole way through, I was tired when watched it (it was like 12:30 at night) and I didn't even doze off.

I'm annoyed that this is so obscure, I'm giving it 4.5 stars and I recommend you try and find it

Alice (Neco z Alenky)

I really don't like it when good ideas are poorly executed,

This is a prime example of that. Alice is an adaptation of Lewis Caroll's novel and follows that general plot line. Alice follows a white rabbit down the hole and ends up in a fantasy world.

This time it's a combination between live action and stop motion, Alice is live action (except for when she shrinks and she becomes a doll) and it has Alice narrating over the top and doing the voices of everybody. Now that is one of the damning features of this movie! That Alice voice over was so annoying, if this is supposed to be creepy and scary then shouldn't her voice be creepy and haunting? I didn't find it so at all, and the little girl playing Alice does so so woodenly, it's like the director came up to his daughter and said "Hey sweetie, you want a part in daddy's movie?" She's not even the vague distant Alice we're used to, she's full-on dead faced.

The stop-motion creatures look like they should be creepy, and they are creepy looking but the film is devoid of any music or cool cinematography to give it the atmosphere to make them creepy. This film didn't draw me in at all and I found it boring.

Watch it if you must, you may find it haunting and disturbing, a lot of people did, I for one didn't.

I'm only giving it 2 out of 5 stars

The Raven
The Raven(2006)

Good God!

What the fuck?! What is more disturbing? The fact that this movie was made of the fact that I didn't put it on my worst movies ever made list?

This is a film by Ulli Lommel whose previous credits include Zombie Nation, The Curse of the Zodiac and Boogeyman Vampire Club 4 (No I didn't make that last one up!). Ulli Lommel churns out some HORRIBLE films, this one is supposed to be a slasher film and also an adaptation of Edgar Allen Poe's haunting classic poem The Raven. How Poe's poetry and slasher films meet is beyond me but the plot has something to do with some sweet innocent playful guy who rapes a woman (I know, wtf?) and then she kills him and he comes back and a deranged knife wielding supernatural psychopath years later.

A girl who I think was meant to be the child who resulted from the rape is trying to get along and record crappy songs with her shitty band (yes they are horrible singers as well as actors) but this ghost thing is coming after her and killing her friends and everyone else that she is associated with, which is good because we don't have to hear them sing anymore.

How any of this relates to the poem I don't know, the only connection was this incoherent subplot with flashbacks to a very distraught looking Edgar Allen Poe oh and there's this weird scene in which her grandfather (who is played by Lommel himself, and looks like an aging pornstar) tells her that the raven will protect her from the evil "he's a very powerful bird" Oh how foreboding!

The three gimmicks it plays at are arty, scary and gorey. Okay arty, it tries to be like a David Lynch movie, but lacks the coherence, the camera just cuts all over the place so fast it's zooming and I thought it would fly out of the screen and hit me in the face! In trying to be artistic it ended up making so little sense that if you watched it with someone and you fell asleep for half of it then when you woke up you friend would be just as confused as you.

Scary, If it have of been more professionally made and not shot on some handicam they picked up for $50 at Go-Lo and the actors were a hell of a lot more convincing (seriously the Year 9 Drama class at my school could do a better job) and the script didn't seem like the actors just arrived they and got told what to say then maybe it could have been a bit like on of those movies you done get but still they give you the creeps. This one is too laughable to be scary.

And as for gore, it's too cheap to be gorey. It wants real gore but it can't afford it. It was just a guy moving a knife up and down, not even looking remotely like real stabbing.

If seen really good extreme low budget movies before, like Christopher Nolan's Following (made for $6000) and Romeo et Juliette but by extreme low budget here I think we are talking Ulli Lommel's brother lent him $20.

I paid $3 for this DVD because I thought it would be a fun B-Movie but it was just shit!

0 stars man! 0 fucking stars!

To Kill A Mockingbird

I really liked Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird but this film just doesn't quite cut it for me. I don't bag out movies for lack of faith to the book but I have to say, when you leave something out then you gotta back it up.

This movie is about a black man named Tom Robinson (Brock Peters) who is charged with raping a white girl, Mayella Uwel, a crime which he is quite clearly innocent of but in the 1930s what sort of all white all male jury is gunna believe a black? Lawyer, Atticus Finch (Gregory Peck), is hired to take the case and he is all too happy to accept.

The acting in this movie is really good, Gregory Peck does his best performance ever, Brock Peters is good as Tom Robinson and the actors who play Scout and Jem are okay too (better than those kids from Lord of the Flies at least), Dill I found to be annoying acted though.

What I really loved about the book was that it was a courtroom drama that suited the times really well but also it was being observed by the protagonist, Scout, and her brother Jem and her summer friend Dill (whose character drew inspiration from Lee's childhood friend Truman Capote). Through its first person narration it told a brilliantly slow-paced coming-of-age story. In the movie the children are just flat, there's not really much of a hint into Dill's past or the loss of innocence for Scout and Jem and that lovely Miss Dubose subplot was cut totally short.

When taking all that out then really all it is is just a courtroom drama with a few good scenes but overall fairly dry, not boring just dry. It just seems too much like a civil rights rant which suited the left wingers of the 1960s. I wasn't as emotionally involved with this as I was with the book, I most of you were but I wasn't.

I'm giving this 3 out of 5 stars, it was okay, just not great.

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (AVP 2)

AVP is a franchise that didn't need to happen! I can't believe that idiotic movie based on that idiotic video-game based on those two perfectly good franchises would make enough money to have a sequel!

If you thought the ending to the first AVP was to set it up for the setting for the first Alien movie, with the whole ship crashed on the planet bizo, think again.

The predi-alien think that hatched at the end of the first AVP movie kills all the predators on board the ship causing it to crash on earth outside Gunnison County, USA. There are face huggers on board the ship to help impregnate human (I have no idea how they got there I thought they were all destroyed!), and the new predi-alien thing can also impregnate people without the use of face huggers, with a new ability obtained through... um... um... I dunno that is never explained. I think it must have inherited the way that predators reproduce (seeing their faces look like warped vaginas with teeth! Ewww!), which is just stupid because if they inherit reproduction methods from Predators then why do they not inherit it from the humans?

Anyway, before the predators are all killed, they send out an SOS which is received by a nearby warrior Predator who comes to earth to hunt the aliens.

This movie is stupidly plotted, badly acted, very lazily scripted and the characters you just don't care about! Which one is gunna die next? Who gives a shit? Just fucking kill one already, I'm getting bored because there is no suspense in this movie whatsoever!

I fell asleep watching this and watched the rest this morning and it was just as irritating when I wasn't tied! There is no suspense, no good fight scenes, (even the showdown between the predi-alien and the predator sucked!) and nothing unexpected. It's also very poorly edited, with shitty cinematography and gloomy dark, lighting which makes even the most hectic fight scenes incoherant and boring and ulimately makes this a depressing experience!

After watching this the first AVP looks like an emotionally deep, well acted, well scripted, clever spin on the Alien and Predator frachise.

I give this 0.5 out of 5 stars!

Now will you excuse me I have to go sit on my bed stroking my collection of Alien and Predator DVDs (even the sequels), listening to The Sounds of Silence while I mourn for two franchises that once were.

Bakjwi (Thirst)

Here I am, Vampire Reilly reviewing a vampire movie once again,

This is a South Korean film by Chan-wook Park, who directed that wonderful film, Oldboy. It's about, Sang-hyun, a doctor/priest at a hospital who volunteers for medical experimentation. After the experiment goes wrong he dies but is revived by a blood transfusion, unfortunately this blood he receives is vampire blood. His faith is called into question when his transformation into a vampire causes him to have strong urges to fulfil his earthly desires than his priesthood forbade him to do. He starts an affair with his childhood friend's long-suffering wife, who pleades him to rescue her from her mundane life in which she is pushed around and bullied and even beaten by her husband and mother-in-law. Together the two plunge into a world of indulgent pleasure.

This is a very weird film, as is usual of a Chan-wook Park film, a directing style which I like. The cinematography, acting and script are all brilliant and follow together very well.

The characters are very well developed and we get a feel for each of their psychological complexs, the romance I have to say took a little while to drag me in, because the too characters talked a little bit too much. I prefer a romance where the characters don't talk much, like Let the Right One In, Samson and Delilah and the Canadian Romeo and Juliet, I just prefer the body language (no I'm not talking about sex you filthy perverts!), it tends to hit the emotional button more for me.

The first half of the film was a little slow I thought, but it's made up for with a strong second half, I don't want to give anything away so I won't go into too much detail.

One user out there (you know who you are!) deemed this the best vampire film to date, I disagree but I say it's definitely one of the better ones.

I give this 4 out of 5 stars, it's a recommended

Animal Kingdom

While I was in Sydney I saw two Australian films, The Horseman and this, Animal Kingdom. I say, The Horseman was good but it doesn't even compare to this film, not in a million years! This nothing short of amazing! Australian film making at it finest.

It's about a boy, J (James Frechville), whose mother dies of a heroine overdose so he goes off to live with his grandmother, Grandma Smurf (Jackie Weaver), and his uncles, Barry (Joel Egderton), Darren (Luke Ford) and Craig (Sullivan Stapleton), who are all armed robbers whom the police are trying to nab. After Barry, the uncle everyone looks up to is murdered by the police who don't have enough evidence to convict him, which the Victorian police force are notorious for doing, the eldest and most sociopathic of his uncles, Andrew or Uncle Pope (Ben Mendelsohn), returns and starts to plan revenge.

After J's mother dies there is seriously never a loose moment in it, the film tenses you up and won't let you go. It refuses to loosen it's grip on you. Don't take your drinks into the theatre, the last thing you wanna do is have to go to the toilet. The violence in this movie is sudden and always comes when you least expect it.

The flawless cinematography creates great atmosphere which is supported by a great script and brilliant performances by the whole cast. There wasn't even an actor who was just okay, the whole cast amazed me, especially newcomer, James Frechville, he was perfect as the traumatised teenage protagonist. Guy Pearce was in it as a detective investigating the robbers, Joel Edgerton was also in it but those two didn't even make the top three performances in the film, even though they are at the top of their game, and when two great actors like that don't make the top three performances then that's definitely saying something. The best performance was as I said, by James Frechville the other two great performances were by Jackie Weaver and Ben Mendelsohn. Ben Mendelsohn's character has got to be one of the scariest bad guys I've ever seen, he's so amoral and quiet, you always feel that he's gunna kill someone. Jackie Weaver amazed me, she's always been a fairly B-grade actress, sort of the Megan Fox of the 1970s, it was always a well known fact that if you gave her an extra $100 she'd take her top off (I'm glad she didn't in this though), in fact my Dad has told me a million times the story of when he saw her boobs on stage during a play, she's a very evil grandmother in this movie, your always edgey around her because she's always got that, "aww come here and give mummy a kiss" attitude, but she's so devious underneath, you never know whether she's good or bad and she has this really inappropriate relationship with her sons, her only daughter lives away from her yet they all live will her, in fact J says in a narration, "She just wanted to be where the boys were," I wouldn't say it's an incentuous relationship but there's definitely something really creepy about the affection she has for them.

This movie has a very Australian atmosphere, not once in this film did it feel fake or like it was trying to please mainstream foreign audiences or that the characters were ripped of Scorsese's New York gangster pics, no, every part of this movie screams Melbourne and Australian blokes. It's all very believable, very dark and very atmospheric.

Australian cinema has been criticised at the moment for being too dark and choosing to make stuff like Wolf Creek, Blessed and Beautiful Kate instead of uplifting, feel good popcorn flicks like Bran Nue Dae and Stone Bros., I say to that critic, "And... your point is? You got a problem with dark?" If you want an Aussie popcorn flick then don't watch this, watch something else like... um... I dunno, don't watch an Aussie film.

Any less than 5 out of 5 stars would be an understatement. This is the best film of 2010 so far, see it if you get the chance.

Toy Story 3
Toy Story 3(2010)

Ah here we are, the dramatic close to what is undoubtedly the greatest animated film series of all time.

It's been 15 years since I came out of the cinema in my town filled with joy and 11 years since I came out of that very same theatre with that very same feeling of pure joy.

Well here's the long awaited third installment. I'm 17 now and that cinema is closed, Andy has moved on too, he's not the playful, energetic, imaginative little boy we saw in the Toy Story 1 & 2, he's a 6 foot tall lengthy haired 18 year old who's soon off to uni. The toys he's loved so much for all this time are now just old memories gathering dust in a box, in fact they're starting to disappear, some of the old favourites like, the remote controlled car, Etch and Bo Peep are no longer with us, we still have most of the essentials though.

Andy who is off to uni decides to take Woody with him and puts the others in the attic but due to a mistake they are put out with the garbage and narrowly escape collection. Feeling betrayed the toys hide in a box with Molly's old stuff, where we are first introduced to Barbie, so they will be donated to a day care centre where they will always be played with a the kids are replaced not the toys. Woody is also taken along with them whilst trying to convince them that Andy didn't throw them away.

At the day care centre they are introduced to the long term residents lead by the strawberry scented bear Lotso, they all appear at first to be nice loving toys but after it is discovered how hyper-active and uncaring they kids are the toys discover that Lotso is a rather sinister bear who has the toys organised into a very strict hirachy.

Now in 3D and brought to the IMAX theatre in Darling Harbour, supposedly the biggest goddamn movie screen in the world, there are lots of laughs to be had, there's the activation of Buzz's Spanish mode, the dopey headbanging garbage collector, the ditsy or so we think Barbie doll and the campy Ken doll and some other comically cliched characters, but there is some serious emotion to be felt here. It's suprising the amount of emotion we feel toward these toys, they all have a distinctive personality that we've gotten used to and we love them so much that we don't even see the actors behind the toys, at no stage did I ever think that was Tom Hanks behind Woody or Tim Allen behind Buzz Lightyear (which is good because I hate Tim Allen), Andy growing up is an emotion dagger to the heart, and I'm glad they waited this long to make this coming of age sequel because it would have hit me nearly as hard as it did, this is the most emotionally moving animated childrens' film since Up.

Note to parents don't drop your kids here and go see Jonah Hex or some other shit, if you take you kids to this movie then you take your arse right in there with them and don't leave until the final credits roll! I guarentee you will love it as much as they do. When I went into the theatre there were a million little kids in there, I thought to myself "Oh shit! They'll run amok and scream and talk loudly throughout the whole thing!" But no, they were that captivated by the film that they shut up the whole time, it wasn't like Up that just made all the kids cry after the montage, they seriously all loved it and that it a true sign that it's succeeded.

5 out of 5 stars, my third favourite Pixar film after Up and Toy Story and the second best film of the year, I guartee this will see an Oscar for best animated film.

See this and just think back, and remember your old toys, how you used to play with them, how they used to make you happy and how much you loved them and think...

where are they now?

Predators
Predators(2010)
½

Hey guys!

Here I am back from Sydney, I know I been gone a long time but while I've been away I've been going to the movies a fair bit, four times to be precise. So now I'm gunna review the movies from worst to best.

I'm gunna start with Predators, the long awaited third in the Predator series (if you don't include those stupid Alien vs Predator movies!).

The masked, thero-visioned, ugly aliens are back only this time it's a lot more indulgent. The predators in the first two movies were on-safari predators, this time they're on a game reserve on another planet.

An American commando, a female Columbian commando, a Mexican commando, a Seria Leonean commando, a Russian SPETSNAZ agent, a Japanese Yakuza hitman, an American death-row inmate and an American doctor are all abducted and put into a hunting game with more than one predator after them.

No one does a dumb fun action film like Robert Rodriguez, this film was much better than the second one, and just off par with the original but I gotta say, it was goddamn awesome! There was even a fucking A-grade tribute to Akira Kurosawa that I loved!

I am a little pissed off that a ticket to this cost $17.50! But regardless of ticket prices, I give this 3.5 of of 5 stars, it's not a great film but it's great entertainment

The Horseman
The Horseman(2008)
½

It's not often that I get to see an Australian film at the cinema but I made sure I saw this one.

This is a low budget film, only $500, 000 (goddamn! Movies are expensive to make if five hundred thou low budget!). Like a lot of low budget films it decides to go the way of the exploitation film, by containing excessive amounts of violence.

This takes on the exploitation sub-genre of revenge. After a pest control techinician's daughter dies of a heroine over-dose he is sent into a stat of total despare, we get a few flash back shots of him playing with his daughter when she was three years old, which I know is fairly tacky but it overcomes it with how beautifully the flashback scenes are shot.

He receives an X-rated film in the mail, called "Innercity Sluts 2," which upon viewing he finds features his daughter high on drugs being fucked by four guys. Now I don't really need to tell you how he feels about that. To cut a long story short, he decides to go on a rampage and find and kill everyone involved in the production and on the way a bit of drama unfolds between him and a troubled teenage hitch-hiker he picks up.

Warning to anyone who can't stand violence, this camera may cut away from the violence before in happens, but still, it does a good job of letting the violence happen in your head and it is VERY brutal. This film is rated R18+ and I'm 17 so I wasn't actually allowed to be in the theatre, even if I was accompanied (I'm glad I didn't have to show ID), hence I was the youngest there, in fact I was the only one under 50. I was shocked during most of the violent bits, for example one scene where he has fish hooks through someone's genitals and is pulling them I was clutching my own bits, tense as hell saying "Oh God! No! No! No!" but these old codgers were having a great time, they laughed the whole way through! At the end, this old guy, about in his late 70s got up and said "Haha! That was awesome!" Seriously! The generation above me who call my generation sadistic for liking things like Saw and Hostel need to take a look at the generation above them!

Well this film was very professional for something so low budget I was impressed by it's technical brilliance and the two leads were good, the fight scenes were awesome, the torture scenes weren't too sadistic and there was some good drama with a touch of emotion, but I gotta say that around the end it got a bit silly and one scene in it I found was a direct repeat of a scene that happened 15 minutes before it and of course it wasn't very original but it's good to see the genre revived a little, and at least, unlike most rape revenge movies like I Spit on Your Grave, it doesn't focus to heavily on the actual rape taking place.

This isn't a pleasant film but it is a good one and I give it 3.5 out of 5 stars.

Dead Snow (Dd sn)
½

Hey y'all! I think it's about time I reviewed another movie, and what better movie to review than Dead Snow? A horror gorefest from the wonderful land of Norway.

Now as I may have told you I love Scandinavian movies. Especially those arty ones with the bleak land scapes and the excellent use of body language like Jar City, Insomnia and Let the Right One In. This is nothing like any of those movies. This is a fun filled, blood and guts gore fest, that doesn't take any part of it's self seriously.

It's full of cliches but seriously, what did you expect from a movie with a guy with a bloody chainsaw and half an SS colonel's hea on the ground in front of him? A series of unexpected twists and turns and a beautiful romance between to lonely people? No, look somewhere else, far away from here! It knows it's cliched, in fact at the start of this film the quintessential horror movie buff points asks "how many movies start like this? A bunch of friends going off to an isolated with no cell phone reception?" And now you can just switch your brain off and laugh at the silly humour and ridiculous gore that mirrors the works of Sam Raimi (although not as good).

This movie has what you've always wanted, NAZI-ZOMBIES!!! The ultimate embodiment of evil! Yes there are 200 Nazi zombies buried all through the snowy Norwegian mountains, lying in wait, just waiting for the right moment when seven unsuspecting medical students on there holiday come out expecting a few days of snowy fun. Needless to say, snow? yes, Fun? well, for us yes, for them no.

Apart from the fact that the zombies can run and the fact that they are intelligent there is not a convention here that it does not adhear to, like the grumpy old guy who knows about the zombies and has lived there for many years but the zombies only decide to murder now, the mobile phone that runs out of when you need it most, and the notion that sex is bad and if you have it you will be killed immediately (which is fine coz you'll die of AIDS anyway), and of course the range of zombie hunting weapons, like, the sledge hammer, the machete, the 12 guage and everyones' favourite, the chainsaw! And an awesum new addition, a snow mobile with a WWII machine gun mounted on the front.

This is a load of pure, action packed, tension filled, hillarious, gory, head poppin' fun. If you love blood and guts this is your thing! Just don't expect any intelligent plot development or deep characters.

I give this 3.5 out of 5 stars, watch it with your friends

Predator
Predator(1987)
½

After seeing Predators in the cinema I thought that this was only slightly better. Now that I have revisited it I must take back what I said in my Predators review, this movie was a lot better!

It's about a group of six US Special Forces commandos who are conned by a Green Beret, Dillon, who is also a former military buddy of, Dutch (Arnold Schwarzenegger), the leader of the team, into going on a mission with him into the Amazon rainforest, thinking they are there to rescue hostages from a guerilla base. After finding the bodies of three Green Berets hanging from a tree with no skin and arriving at the base only to find that the hostages have been killed already, they attack the base in rage killing all the guerillas save for one woman who Dillon takes prisoner. There is a falling out between Dillon and Dutch after Dutch discovers that Dillon didn't care about the hostages and only wanted them to destory the base because the Soviets were training the guerillas and supplying them with arms for a Socialist revolution and Dutch and his boys have just taken part in an act of political murder.

The team set out on there way to extraction, but on their way they are stalked and killed off one by one in by a very technologically advanced, humanoid alien creature that later went on to become one of the most memorable movie monsters ever.

This movie blends genres together with great skill, combining the elements of a Cold War political, military action movie, a sci-fi film and a horror. It's use of POV shots from the Predator, through its thermal vision and its refusal to show us the monster for most of the duration give as the feeling that we're also watching a quality slasher movie as well as a fun filled action flick.

The final sequence of this movie I won't talk about because I don't want to spoil it but it's both exhillirating and intelligent. This movie is much more than the dumb-ass action flick it makes itself out to be.

Arnold Schwazenegger is as cool as ever, I dunno what it is about that guy, he's just as bad an actor as the other body builders like Jean-Claude Van Damme and Vin Diesel, but he always gets picked for the right roles and dopey Austrian accent is always charming. This is best role since The Terminator, it doesn't call for much, just running around shooting, fighting and uttering witty lines at the right time like action heroes always should.

This movie was also a great inspiration lots and lots of people copied this very same situation, like Dog Soldiers for example, soldiers are conned into going out into the wilderness and are attacked by monsters, exactly the same. It spawned a couple of not too bad sequels and an unforgiveable cross-over with Alien, but none of them matched up to this.

I give this 4.5 out of 5 stars. It should not be missed by any cinephile

Insomnia
Insomnia(1998)

Ah Scandanavian cinema, you gotta love it,

This Norwegian thriller is set in Northern Norway during the period where the sun doesn't go down for 30 days and it's about two Swedish detectives who go up there to investigate. During an attempt to lure the killer into a trap one detective shoots his partner dead by accident. Instead of admitting it he decides to blame the killer instead. He is later contacted by the killer who admits what he did and torments him, but seeing the killer knows what the he did he cannot arrest him.

This is more of a psychological drama than it is a thriller. It is fairly slow paced as Scandanavian cinema usually is, it let's us get a feel for our protagonist who is haunted by visions of his partner. That I really liked because it does it so subtley, ever one on the street looks vaguely like him and as opposed to having the actual actor walk past and then a second later change him back to the original like Hollywood movies would do, ya know just to shout "HEY LOOK! THAT PERSON LOOKS LIKE HIS PARTNER!!!"

The idea for the setting is great, the sun continueally shines on the protagonist denying him any rest and even making him suffer terrible visions. The acting is backed up by a good script and brilliant cinematography and this haunting drama is one that will stick with you for a quite while afterwards.

I give this one 4 stars. I recommend you check it out, and check out the Nolan remake afterwards too.

Robin Hood
Robin Hood(2010)

Whoa! Just when I thought Ridley Scott was dying! Ridley Scott is a great director, he's given us Thelma and Louise, Alien, Blade Runner and Gladiator, four great films, but nowerdays he has just been making shit like the dull and gloomy Hannibal, the sentimental pro-American Black Hawk Down, the piss-boring American Gangster and the okay yet only semi-coherant Body of Lies. Just when I thought he'd lost his touch he comes along and makes this! This has totally restored my faith in Ridley Scott!

It's a very different take on the Robin Hood legend, in fact so different that I thought to myself, "I'm liking this but seriously, why call it Robin Hood?" but at the end it all came together.

The plot is a bit complex so I won't write you a synopsis. There were some great performances from the leads, my two favourite actors, and the supporting cast here and a good script to back them up. There were plenty of fight scenes which were all done incredibly well, not as good as the ones in Gladiator but still excellent, Scott really knows how to shoot action and battle scenes, most movies nowadays you can't work out what the fuck is even happening, but these whilst being frantic are totally clear. Russel swings the hammer this guy falls. I also found that it doesn't fuck your eyes with lots of CGI, everone in the battle is real, and the army sizes are very realistic it doesn't appear that each side has a million expendable soldiers.

The medieval atomosphere is created perfectly, with excellent sets and great costuming. It draws you right in.

This is a really entertaining and fairly intelligent film that, despite being different from the traditional story, does not rape it at all. It's even got some fairly funny parts in it too. I give this 4 out of 5 stars. Recommended definitely.

Throne of Blood

Okay I've just watched another Kurosawa film and I'm getting into the habbit of reviewing all Kurosawa films.

This film Throne of Blood is an adaptation of William Shakespeare's Macbeth, so therefore I need not explain the plot.

This is a good adaptation of the play, it was very well filmed and well acted and the script is not Shakespearean but is fairly poetical. The sets I found, especially the set of the evil spirit's (the three witches) den in the forest were just great.

However I think that too much of Macbeth was left out. I don't have a problem with things being changed here and there, ya know so we are aware that this is the director's film and not a stage production, but too many things that I thought were important in the play weren't there. His estrangement from his wife isn't really elaborated on and other characters lack depth. Whilst this is true in theme to Shakespeare's Macbeth I think the story would have improved if it were truer it's source material.

Oh and also, I don't wanna sound like a 12 year old boy here, but I thought Macbeth would give Kurosawa an opportunity for some epic action, but this lacked a lot of it, there aren't even any sword fights! I love Kurosawa action and I can't believe there wasn't any!

This is a very good movie but its minimalism effects its entertainment value, it does not measure up to the likes of Seven Samurai and Rashomon. Despite that I'm giving it four stars.

High Plains Drifter

When I made my best Westerns list I didn't put this on and was criticised for it. Not really fair criticism because I hadn't seen it. It's a massive cult favourite and a lot of people love it, I wanted to know what the hype was about so I saw during the Eastwood week on ABC2 they were showing this. So I recorded it and watched it. And I gotta say it was one of the best Westerns ever!

It's about a drifter who arrives in the small town of Lago. He is hired by the town to help stop three criminals who are on their way back to the town to destroy it. The town decide to give him whatever he wants in order to stop them and he may take what he wants as a reward.

This is Clint Eastwood's second film as director and he seems to have taken inspiration from Sergio Leone and Don Siegel, the guys who directed him as an actor. It's the first Western I can ever describe as eerie. It's sorta this mysterious gothic atmosphere that keeps you wondering who this high plains drifter is, and where he's going in all these unorthodox preparations for the big shootout.

The artistic merit behind this film is quite complex and subjective and very hard to discuss but overall this film is a well acted, well scripted, creepy, humorous, brutal, violent and highly entertaining film.

I wish I could discuss it in more depth but it's far too complex, I give it 5 stars, I recommend you watch it

Rashmon
Rashmon(1951)

I recently watched my first Akira Kurosawa film, It was his 3 and a half hour epic Seven Samurai, and it was amazing, great characters, great dialogue, awesome battle scenes, not so great bald wigs, and amazingly influencial, I didn't think it got any better than that,

And then I watched this. Rashomon, and what can I say? Holy fuck would be an understatement. I dunno where you'd class this movie, what's it's genre? Is it a thriller? An action? A drama? Fucked if I know, it was so damn good!

It's about a wood cutter, a priest and a drifter who shelter in a burned out building called Rashomon, the woodcutter tells of how he found the body of a murdered samurai in the woods and the priest tells of the trial and repeats the story of what happened from the perspectives of three different people, first the bandit who killed the samurai (or did he?), then the wife of the samurai who was raped by the bandit (or was she?), and then of the murdered samurai (was he murdered though?) who talks through a medium.

The three stories all differ from each other and in the end which one do we trust? How did the event occur? Are any of them telling the truth? How do we know anything is true? Is anything true? What the fuck is truth?

On top of that the film is well acted, exceptionally well filmed, has some awesome sword fights, mind-blowing, thought provoking, philosophical dialogue, and, I dunno how, but it's very, very engaging and fast moving, everything a cinephile could ask for! And it's only 88 minutes long!

Akira Kurosawa's Rashomon did for the Japanese film industrym what Peter Weir's Picnic at Hanging Rock did for the Australian film indrustry, it opened it up to the whole world and for that needs preserving, no one will ever forget this movie after seeing it!

I need to watch more Kurosawa! This was totally unforgettable and one of the best movies I've ever seen! I give this 5 outta 5 stars man! 5 outta 5 stars! Totally fucking unreal!

The Grey Zone

WARNING MAY CONTAIN MINOR SPOILERS

This is the definition of haunting film.

This sleeper directed by Tim Blake Nelson is about the Sonderkomando who were Hungarian Jews employed during the Holocaust to usher fellow Jews into the gas chamber and then process and destroy bodies in exchange for luxuries for four months before they were exterminated themselves and replaced with a new team.

Out of all the Holocaust films I've seen I gotta say that this is the most bleak, most depressing of them all. It's true that most Holocaust films like Schindler's List and The Pianist are depressing, but if you think about them they are usually inspiring. Schindler's List ended on a happy note with all those Jews safely working away in the factory, even kinda funny seeing they are making dodgey shells for the Germans, The Pianist ended with him becoming a famous pianist and there was the regretful Nazi, Life is Beautiful ended with the father dead but the mother and child safe, those were all good endings, if only all the stories ended like that.

This one does not, there are no happy endings, no humour, no regretful Nazis, in fact most of the Jews in the film are dodgey, in doing this it is being true to the nature of the Holocaust. It may be depressing, but so was the Holocaust.

This bleak film is loaded with moral dellemars and ethical debates and slight glimpses of hope throughout and is guarnteed to shock, disturb and depress you. I don't want to spoil the ending, but I'll tell you now I was shaking!

This ranks along side Schindler's List and Life is Beautiful as one of the best Holocaust films ever made and gets 5 stars from me.

In a Glass Cage (Tras el cristal)
½

Terrifying, quirky and disturbing. This movie isn't ment to be a great story or a sexual fantasy but a symphony of fear. And that is exactly what it is.

I'm give this 3.5/5

Peur(s) du Noir (Fear(s) of the Dark)
½

I saw a trailer for this on the DVD of Let the Right One In and it looked ever so amazing.

Film4o and I decided to watch a movie on the same day and then talk about it so I looked at his list of "films to see and I found that this was on there so we agreed on it,

I was excited to see it, it looked so cool with it's animation. But I'm afraid to say I was disappointed.

It's kinda surreal, it features a scary looking dude running through the hills setting dogs onto people, and everytime one is released it rushes off into a horror story.

The first is about a guy who studies instects and then he meets a girl at uni. She gets bitten by a bug and starts transforming. I thought this story ended abruptly, was lame and I didn't like it.

The second is about a girl in Japan who moves to a new town and is bullied by the other kids who haunt her with stories about a ghostly samurai who lives in the cementry behind her house. This story was okay, kinda weird.

The third, the best I thought, was a story of a boy who's uncle disappears along with many other people. The animals act strangely and a game keeper is hired to seek out the problem. I thought this story was creepy, haunting and weird and also better animated than the others. I liked this one.

The last story has no dialogue, it's about a man who moves too a house out in the middle of nowhere and its haunted, possibly by the ghost of his dead wife. I thought it was at times creepy but at times quite boring. It had a touch of the Edgar Allan Poe about about.

Overall I gotta say that this ain't a great film, it didn't live up to my expectations. It should have been a lot scarier than it was. What really did impress me though was the animation. It was so unique, so brilliant, so beautiful. I've never seen anything like it. It's like those old ghost story picture books that terrify you when your a kid.

So pro, great animation, a few haunting images. Con, a lame storyline, a boring bit that went on too long, the stories were linked together with this weird thing where there were lines and shapes moving on the screen and people's voices in the background which never seemed to tie in thematically or logically with the stories.

I'm giving this 3.5 stars, it's worth a watch but don't except it so make that much sense.

Seven Samurai (Shichinin no Samurai)

I reviewed Rashomon recently and have now decided that I'm gunna review every Kurosawa film as I watch them,

Now I saw Seven Samurai a while ago but I didn't review it so that's what I'll do before I watch the next one.

This film has a basic plot. It's about a village that is frequently under attack by bandits, so they hire seven washed up loner samurai to help them battle the bandits. No further plot details needed.

Seven Samurai is probably Kurosawa's most noteable works, it was an inspiration to many film makers in years to come, it invented that formula that was used over and over again until it became cliche, think how many other films follow this exact formula,

I went to this kinda fearfully just thinking it would be one of those movies that you don't enjoy but have to acknowledge as good because of their historical importence, and the 3 and a half hour running time had be a bit nervous. But I was plesently suprised, it never got boring throughout the whole movie, I was intrigued by the situation and by the characters.

Each character in the story has their own personality, a couple of them aren't that interesting but most of them are, some of them are serious and some are laid back, in fact one of them is a bit of a larakin, he was my favourite. We feel emotional connection to all of them and when ever SPOILER one of them is killed SPOILER it's always an emotional kick.

The battle scenes are just epic! They manage to be quite brutal without showing torrents of gore, and just depicting pain, I think Spielberg must have used this as inspiration when he did the killing scenes in Jurassic Park.

The acting, the script and the cinematograhpy is all just top notch, and the only think that looked like shit was the bald wigs, I asked myself why Kurosawa not just ask that they shave their heads! Not that unreasonable I don't think! But I'm not letting something that minor effect this cinematic gem,

I give this 5 out of 5 stars

High Noon
High Noon(1952)

And now for my second favourite Western, High Noon,

This film is about a mashall, Will Kane (Gary Cooper) who gets married and retires and is about to leave town with his lovely new wife (Grace Kelly) when he hears that Frank Miller (no, not the comic book artist) a criminal he put away is returning to town after being released from prison and intends to unit with 3 other outlaws (one of which is played by Lee Van Cleef) and kill Will Kane and pressumably take over the town afterwards. Now Kane could just leave town, and escape, but if he's a man he must be braaaave and he must face that deadly killer, or lie a coward, a craving coward, or lie a cooooowaaaaaard in his graaaaaaaaave, sorry the song in the background is one to stick in your head!

So it's just an average ring-wing western? Them latte drinkin liberals let him free and look what they've done! Now I know your grievin' but I can't be leavin' till I shooooot Frank Miiiiler deaaaaaaad! Sorry!

That's what it makes itself out to be, they've paid a lot of attention to disguising it as that, in fact there's even a scene in which a woman who is totally against violence and guns is forced to shoot a bad guy dead. But if you have knowledge of the times, which I do, then you'll know that this was made during the McCarthy Era, a time in which you couldn't be a Commie and if you spoke out against the regeim then you were a Pinko and you'd be blacklisted too. It's true, it happened to Charlie Chaplin, John Wayne probably dobbed him in, what a cunt. Sorry.

So no one could make any movies or plays or books that openly criticised this regeim, so they had to go metaphorically. You'll see the people in this movie just leave it too the Marshall, they don't wanna get involved, they've got families to worry about, Frank Miller might gun them down too!

So yeah, obvious symbolism is obvious! Reflects the times perfectly. It's also entertaining, with great musical scores, brilliant dialogue and cinematography and an outstanding performance by the late Gary Cooper.

The only reason this didn't win an Oscar is probably because the Academy were afraid of being closed down.

I give this 5 stars, classic Western!

Kick-Ass
Kick-Ass(2010)
½

Nothing says ground-breaking like an 11-year old girl brutally murdering gang members.

I just saw this movie at the cinema and let me tell you now, I LOVED it!

It's about a Peter Parkeresque teenager at school who wonders why no one has ever become a real superhero. So, after buying a rather odd-looking wet suit, he becomes a shit superhero called Kick-Ass. After being stabbed and run over whilst on his first mission he is rendered unable to feel as much pain and he becomes stronger due to the amount of metal in his body, he's better but he still sucks. He eventually becomes an internet phenomenon and people love him.

Meanwhile a superhero who calles himself Big Daddy, played by Nicholas Cage (who I don't much care for but he was excellent in this), with his 11 year old daughter, whom he has trained to kill and has given the name Hit Girl, brutally murder members of a crime gang. The mob boss believes that Kick-Ass is murdering them so he sends his teenage son to go undercover and pose as a superhero to get close to Kick-Ass so they can reveal his true identity.

One of my favourite critics, David Stratton, criticised this movie on it's use of a little 11 year old girl as a killer said he didn't like that we found that entertaining. I personally thought this was hillarious, specially when she severes a guy's leg completely with her blade stick (I dunno what it's actually called). She is an awesum character! I've never seen a movie with the balls to do something like this, this little girl, slaughters grown men in cold blood just like she was The Bride, she also swears a great deal (she even says "cunt" at one stage). I have no problem with being entertained by a child doing this. It's just seeing a child being hurt from my entertainment (in a serious non-slapstick context) that I don't like (like Rambo Grrr!). So anyway that was all just fine (it was actually kinda cute!).

This is offically my second favourite superhero movie after Watchmen. It's hilarious, exhillerating, well-acted, silly and overall great fun. I'd gladly watch it again.

I'm giving it 4.5 stars it's definately worth a look

Addio zio Tom (Goodbye Uncle Tom)

Worst Movies Ever Made Part 2 of 12

Addio Zio Tom (Fairwell Uncle Tom) (1971)

Okay next in this line of shit is an Italian film called Fairwell Uncle Tom. Fairwell Uncle Tom is part five in the Mondo Cane series. Now Mondo Cane wasn't an enjoyable film but it must be acknowledged due to it's historical importence, this film however need not be acknowledged at all because it totally sucks balls! I was taken in by the good sounding title, and I gotta say I've learned my lesson.

The idea of a Mondo film is that it's supposedly a documentary except it's actually all staged by the filmmakers just to shock you. Now Mondo Cane was kinda believable but this is ludicrous! Are we really meant to believe that a film crew travelled back in time shoot a doco in America? Do they think we'll believe that everyone in America spoke Italian? Do they think we are too stupid to realise that a lot of the info in this is wrong? Fuckin' hell!

The real reason this film was made is so that people could jack off to it! It's full mindless nudity, sex, rape and violence! I don't even know how to describe it! Rape after rape after murder after castration after... Oh fuck!!!

The editing is so choppy it could have just been done with scissors and glue, the cinematography is crap, acting is shit, dialogue is just retarded. They try to splise it together with modern day civil rights movement footage but they don't connect at all. There are shots of fifteen year old girls dancing naked and lingerign shots of naked boys as young as fucking seven! In fact I saw a shot from the film of a little girl running around with little black boy on a beautiful farmscape and I thought maybe it was going to feature a friendship between a rich white girl and a black slave boy, but no, the shot was edited and what I really saw when I watched it was a little blonde girl in a blue dress running leading her pet naked black boy around by doggy chain. Umm, child pornography much? Last time I saw an image like that I was on 4chan!

It's also two and a half hours long and after the first forty minutes it get's excrusiatingly boring and totally incoherant!

This film is sick and should be burnt! It's ashes should be put in the ground and the soil sewn with salt!

I give it 0 stars! Avoid at all costs!

Hounddog
Hounddog(2008)
½

This is one of those critically bashed films that I love. The critically bashed films I love are usually action, horror, thriller and comedy, but this is, just like Bully, a critically unsuccessful drama that I loved.

It follows a summer in the life of Lewellen, the summer her life fell apart. She lives in a shitty little town in the deep south switching hands between her father and her super religious grandmother (they live in the same town). She escapes from the dullness of her everyday life by listening and dancing to the music of the King of Rock, Elvis Presley. She believes that one day she'll meet Elvis and he'll rescue her.

But of course this isn't a happy movie and we know stuff like that doesn't really happen, I don't wanna spoil much (even though this isn't a plot-driven movie), but we see her gradually lose her innocence as ever thing she loves is stripped away from her and she becomes a burnt-out emotional wreck of what used to be a relativelt happy soul. Is she gunna pull through or is she just gunna end it all? You'll have to watch it and find out.

I felt that there was a spectrum of emotion in this film, brought to life by an amazing performance by Dakota Fanning and some excellent cinematography by Jim Denault and Edward Lachman (I have no idea who they are I just wanted to include their names coz I'd have felt bad for not doing so). I could empathise greatly with Lewellen, because I've all of those emotions before, rejection, alienation, like the world is leaving you behind, I've been there, (of course I've never been raped, but you get the picture).

Now you've probably heard all the fuss about the rape scene. Yes there is a rape scene and I must warn you the rape scene is very disturbing and it may put you off. The way people have painted it is that it's there to titilate and arouse you. That is total bullshit and if you find it arousing then I suggest you go die somewhere you fucking sicko.

I connected with this film on every level, I even watched two nights in a row. I'm giving this 4.5 stars.

I downloaded it of course which you'll likely have to do unless you live in America or Canada. I'd like to apologise to anyone who missed a profit because of that, if this came out in Australia I'd buy it, I wouldn't even hesitate.

Insomnia
Insomnia(2002)

Wow this is rare! A Hollywood remake that is just as good as the original,

I assume you've read my review of the original so I won't bother with a plot synopsis. The plot is the same only this time it's set in Alaska and the detectives are from... I think it was LA, I can't remember.

This movie draws on everything the original does, the original does the whole moral play scene a little bit better than this one does, but this remake makes up for it with an awesome ending, some thrilling scenes and an excellent performances by Al Pacino, Hillary Swank and Robin Williams.

This is a must see for all Nolan fans (I know there are hundreds of you on here! I can see you! Come out!). It's not just another boring remake that doesn't even try, it's a re-examination of the original and a successful one at that.

I give this 4 stars, recommended definitely.

Anatomy of Hell

Worst Movies Ever Made Part 11 of 12,

Anatomie de l'enfer (2004) (Anatomy of Hell)

Okay this is just one of those overly pretensious French movies that you just wanna avoid. The critics consensus says it all, "Ponderous, pretentious, and -- considering the subject matter -- dull."

It's about a woman who attempts suicide in a gay techno club, but is rescued by a gay guy who hires him to watch her in her iscolated house for four nights. He reluctantly agrees and does so.

And over the course of these four nights they become attracted to each other and they then commence the fucking and take part in act so depraved as drinking a cup of tea expect substitute a tea bag with a used tampon!

This movie just made me so damned sick! I didn't see any point to it apart from a silly message that all men (even gay men) want from a woman is her vagina and that men are just users of women! Just misandry I think!

I don't have any problems with extreme depraved sex or unsimulated sex (yes there is REAL fucking involved!) I loved Salo, Ken Park, Shortbus and even von Trier's Antichrist because they actually had artistic merit backing them!!

This film is totally fucking disgusting and unpleasant and is just ponderous and pretensious. I would recommend this to anyone, 0 stars! The only thing this is good for is for when you run out of ipecac!

And by the way, I received some negative feedback about my Rambo review and I'd just like to assure you that if you see any artistic merit or in anyway enjoy it then I won't call you an idiot, I will however ask you to explain your-fucking-self! Sorry to anyone offended by the Rambo review

The Green Berets

Worst Movies Ever Made Part 6 of 12

The Green Berets (1968)

Oh my God! Don't get me started! The Vietnam war was an all time tragedy! So pointless, not much was achieve, so man innocents died! And here were are with the likes of John "fat, conservative bastard" Wayne and his hard but good natured team of fuckwit soldiers who go around slitting the throats of the Vietcong and chuckin em away like they were nothing, like they were doing the right thing!

All they do mostly is go around and give food and water to the good Vietnamese and kill the bad ones, the leader of the bad ones being a guy in a Russian Communist outfit with who drinks expensive champagne and takes sexual advantage of young pretty girls.

This is nothing but a piece of war time propaganda, a polished image of the Americans in Vietnam. This is the anti-Platoon!

0 out of 5 stars, avoid, avoid, avoid!

Beautiful Kate
½

Far too many people have not seen or heard of this. I'm glad to see that at least two people on my friend's list have.

It's about a writer named Ned Kendall (Ben Mendelshon) whose father Bruce Kendall (Brian Brown) is dying, so he returns to the old family home near an Aboriginal community seep in the outback with his girlfriend Toni (Maeve Dermody) to spend time with him and help his younger sister, Sally (Rachel Griffiths), look after him before he goes.

Upon returning he is haunted by constant flashbacks of time he spend with his twin sister Kate (Sophie Lowe) during the summer of her death.

This is a beautifully fucked up movie, there are parts of it that are disturbing and confronting but it's also beautifully shot and is made highly emotional through use of great music scores and brilliant cinematography.

It's based on the novel by the American author Newton Thornburg who also wrote Cutter and Bone hich as made into Cutter's Way. I haven't read the novel, but apparently it's on of those Southie novels, it just goes to show how easily they can be transfered into a different context, it's great to finally see an Australian adaptation of an American novel as opposed to just going to America to do it, or worse filming it in Australia with an Australian cast and an Australian crew but pretend to be American (could have invented a new genre there, a Vegemite Southie!). Rachel Ward had the idea to make it a very long time ago, so long ago that when she thought of it her friend said to her "you could play Beautiful Kate." Lol! I'm glad she ended up making it because this movie is just an unforgetable experience.

I can't really go into much more detail without writing spoilers, so I'll give this 4.5 stars and tell you to go find it (I owns the DVD)

Zombie Nation

Worst Movies Ever Made Part 3 of 12:

Zombie Nation (2006)

>

I bought this film for $3 at JV Bargins and let me tell you now it was Shi-it!

It's basically about a cop who was abused by his mother as a child so now he arrested young women and kills them. He kills five women in total and then due a voodoo spell they come back to life and kill him. The End.

Everything in this movie is bad! There is not one single good actor in this film! The script is so bad that I was rolling on the floor laughing, seriously there are lines like "so what are we suppose to eat now that we're zombies? umm... just, like, what everyone eats, cheese burgers duh" and "Mommy loves you honey but what's this dirt under your finger nails? You are a bad bad boy you are a bad bad boy!

It's also dead fuckin boring up until the zombies come in, which in like nearly an hour in (yes this isn't a zombie movie by the way). When the zombies come is when the laughs truly start, they look like people wearing too much eyeliner and they talk. It ends with a ridiculous scene in which the police need to recruit new officers an the zombie girls all put their names down and show up at the end in all their cop gear doing tacky cop poses (I think I peed my pants when that happened).

This is Plan 9 bad, there's not even any nudity (cept for like one tit). The blurb on the back of the DVD claimed that it was a social comment about how much power the police have in our day to day lives that we can do nothing about (except come back as zombies and kill them), HA! you may as well say Disaster Movie is a clever satirical deconstruction of the disaster movie genre,

I give this an inevitable 0 out 5 stars

Romeo and Juliet
½

Christ this movie sucks!

97%? Are you kidding? Why is this a classic? I wanna know why!

I won't bother explaining the plot because it's based on William Shakespeare's classic play Romeo and Juliet and you should already know the plot to that and if you don't, go to school.

Now people say that this is the definitive adaptation of R&J and that it's historically important. Yes it's historically important, it set the standards for crappy BBC Shakespearean producctions for many years to come, bad acting, and fake looking sets thatjust make Bill's excellently poetical play just seem out of place. Oh and the nude scenes despite the fact that it was the 1960s so it gets another half star for that, but it takes a little more than a hot set of nice 16 year-old titties and 17 year-old arse (man I wish my arse looked like that!) to get my to say this is a classic!

People have praised the two leads saying that they were brilliant portrayals of the characters that just capture the teenage mood, I say as a teenager that they don't at all, in fact I wanted to beat the fuck out of both of their sexy arses, they annoyed me that much! The critics who say that are what, like in their 50s? What do they know about being teens? I think 30 years there must be too much water under the bridge. If you wanna see a good Romeo and Juliet, watch either Baz Luhrman's version (Claire Danes and Leo DiCaprio kick arse in the roles) or the French-Canadian version or alternatively, see the fucking play on stage! You'll have a better time than this! You don't have to see the actors bumble around on screen totally overdoing their roles!

This is the most overrated movie of all time! I give it 1 and a half stars!

After you watch this you should dig up Bill Shakespeare's grave, and you would hear him singing,
"You spin me right round baby! Right round!
Like a record baby!
Right round round round!"

Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy
½

Just for a change I thought I'd review one of the few pornos on RT. Why? Because I'm Reilly and I review whatever I want! That's why!

I've watched a few pornographic films and they usually bore me shitless, I watch the ones that spoof movies ya know like A Clockwork Orgy or Edward Penishands (I actually fell asleep during that one), they usually make you feel like a dirty sleazey bastard for watching them and they feature minimal storylines and endless scenes of characters fucking that get boring after like 2 minutes. This one I gotta say was pleasant and charming.

It's about a girl named Alice who has been resisting sex her whole life and one day she follows a rabbit through a mirror into magical wonderland where she drinks a magical elixer that makes her tiny (naturally she loses her clothes). She journeys through Wonderland meeting up with various characters such as The Mad Hatter, Humpty-Dumpty and Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum and getting involved in erotic play with them.

This movie is a charming, funny and very sexy pornographic musical that doesn't waste too much time with hardcore sex and instead amuses us with the sexy situations, like when Humpty Dumpty falls off the wall and break a ball and cannot get his ding-a-ling up and when Alice remarks that 13 and a half is a huge hat size and the Mad Hatter tells her that that's not the size of his hat it's the size of his thing-a-magig! And of course the fact that everyone talks in rhyme!

The actors are also good, the Mad Hatter looks like he was born to play the role and Alice is just beautiful and has now gone on to play roles in non-porno movies. Her name is Kristine DeBell, ever heard of her? The girls in this movie are so sexy as they don't look like whores with silicon tittes and wizard sleeve vagoos.

This is an overly enjoyable adult film and I'm disappointed that the plans to make a Wizard of Oz movie like this with Kristine DeBell as Dorothy didn't go through.

The 3 and a half stars I give this don't mean that this is a good movie, they just mean that for a porno this is overly great definitely the best.

Boat Trip
Boat Trip(2003)

Worst Movies Ever Made Part 9 of 12:

Boat Trip (2003)

Okay, who the fuck thought something like this would be funny? There is nothing even remotely funny about this movie. Cuba Gooding Jr.'s marriage proposal gets rejected by his girlfriend so his fat-ass horn-dog best friend takes him on a Boat Trip that is supposed to have lots and lots of girls on there, but because he insults a travel agent, the travel agent changes the trip and books them onto a gay cruise which they only find out after they're miles out into the ocean. Gooding then meets a girl who is the dance instructor on board the boat and he gets close to her and they eventually (ugh!) practise having sex with eachother (don't ask!). And of course a Swedish bikini team crashes their helicopter and they rescue them and of course the girls aren't shy because they think they're all gay!

This is seriously the dumbest comedy ever, I don't mind offensive humour as long as it's backed up by sufficient laughs. This is super offensive, to gays and women! And to straights and men as well! Yes basically offensive to whoever has a brain! The fact that this film isn't even interesting at all amplifies the offensiveness immensely!

A scene that really made me vomit was the scene in which Gooding is about to (urgh!) practise having sex with the dancing instructor to show her how, but before that starts she wants him to show her how to blow a guy by demostrating on a banana, but he can't bring himself to do it! I mean, who is that homophobic that they won't suck a banana in order to root a hot girl? I am from the land of homophobia and I don't know anyone that homophobic! I watched this quite a while ago back when I was hetrosexual and I actually thought that at the time!

Cuba Gooding Jr needs to fire his agent he can do better than this and it made me cry to see a man I used to know as Mr. Bond degraded on screen like that! Poor Roger Moore, now that he's killed the man with the golden gun he has nothing else to do.

This is one of those films where you think to yourself, "if this didn't have lots of boobies I would have no reason to watch it" except it doesn't have any boobies at all which makes me wonder why it was even made. I can't belive it wasn't nominated for worst picture, that makes me lose faith in the Razzies!

I give this 0 stars! If anyone, so much as giggles during this film unless, cringing with embarrassment I will violently arse rape you to death like I am gunna do to Mort Nathan and William Bigelow, the two fuck nuckles who wrote this shitty fucked up movie! Avoid at all costs! Even if the alternative is being fucked in the ear by a horse with AIDS and a moldy cock!

I hate this motherfucking, cocksucking, shiteating movie!

Mamma Mia!
Mamma Mia!(2008)

Argh! This is the definition of painfully embarrasing movie!

I try to have an open mind and I don't shun musicals like a lot of people do unfortunately. I loved Chicago and Sweeney Todd, and I especially loved Wicked and I hope they do a movie of it! But this was just horrible.

It basically about a girl getting married and she's having the ceremony at her mum's place in Greece. She doesn't know who her real father is so she goes though her mother's diary and narrows it down to three possible candidates. So she invites these three guys out so she can choose which one it is.

Now my plot synopses usually go on for a few paragraphs, but this does not require much of a one at all. Basically the story is steaming load of shite.

It starts out okay by setting the scene with a few songs. It then gets embarassing when Piece Brosnan starts singing, which he is awful at! And then it gets even more embarrasing as the other two men start singing. It then gets to the point where there is no dialogue or any events in between the songs, it's just horrible song after horrible song. I just got so bored that if I wasn't on a bus coming home from seeing Wicked, a much better musical then I would have turned it off and watched something better.

Despite the shittiness of this film the acting between the songs was okay, and the sets were just beautiful. And Meryl Streep (who I can only hope was doing it for the money) is really good looking for a 50 something year old!

If your an Abba fan then you might enjoy it but I'm not an Abba fan, the Swedes make great movies but make shit music, I hated this movie and I'm giving it two stars.

Taken
Taken(2009)

I thought this would be a hearty fun action movie like Die Hard 4.0, but no, it was just pointless. Yeah the action was staged well, but the bad guys were so boring and there was no antagonist, except for maybe that fat fucker who gets shot at the end but who cares about him?

This movie was just dull. Liam Neeson looks like he's reciting lines and the other actors are just bad. I kept wanting something eventful to happen, ya know a twist or something but nothing did.

It's watchable but I wondered why I watched it afterwards.

I can only give this 2/5

Let the Right One In

Ah, the early teenage years, shit times, really shit times. Everyone thinks they've gotta be cool now and they've gotta pick on the weaker kids.

The setting of this Swedish vampire film, features a bunch of bleak, brick buildings, leafless trees and seemingly endless plains of white snow, the sky is always either overcast or night. The sense of isolation this place gives is thrust upon our twelve year old protagonist, Oskar, with a haunting opening scene of him standing naked and alone in the lonely box that is his room, pressing his hand against the window and watching as slowly the print fades away.

The storyline we're given is simple and easy to follow, Oskar is a boy who lives with his mother on the outskirts of Stockholm during the early 1980s, adding a sense Cold War tension and removing modern technology such as mobile phones and the internet therefore adding to the isolation. Oskar is bullied at school by the ruthless Conny and his friends, the manipulative Martin and the reluctant Andreas, who subject him to the same shit every day of his life. They do it all, from calling him names, making him "squeal like a pig!", kicking him, flicking his nose, beating him with hard sticks and throwing his pants in the urinal, he's just too meak and shy to do anything about it. In his spare time he listens to music, makes a scrap book of articles on violent murders cut from the papers and of course uses a hunting knife to tormant and stab trees pretending that they are the bullies.

Oskar's life is changed however when Eli, a "girl his age", and her "father", Hkan move into the apartment next door to them.

Eli of course is a vampire and Hkan is actually her familiar who murders people to get blood for Eli. Hkan in an old man who loves Eli even though he quite clearly is more attatched to her than she is to him. Hkan is not a professional killer of course and it isn't long before he screws up on the job causing Eli to have to hunt for blood herself. And of course people aren't video game characters in this and their deaths do affect other people's lives and those people do seek revenge.

The movie is full of sub plots that add to the thriller, horror nature of this excellent cinematic gem. The sub plots aren't just an excuse for sex or violence either, they do pack their emotional punch, such as the life of Lacke, a local Chinese resteraunt regular, being slowly ruined by Eli, and of Hkan trying to win the effection of Eli and slowly destorying himself in the process. The films main focus however is on the relationship that forms between Oskar and Eli. Even though Oskar is a human and Eli is a vampire they are so similar in the forms of loneliness they suffer from. They are two kids who for their own reasons can't fit in with mainstream society, and that I can relate to really well.

It's based on the novel by Swedish author John Ajvide Lindqvist which I read after seeing this (and loved!). The movie is very condensed, but I like it, everything leftout was done so necessarily, I don't think a naked man with no face and an erection would go well on screen! It would have lead to compromise of the atmosphere in the film if those parts were included.

A lot of people would compare this to Twilight, I would not, Twilight was made to excite young girls to make money, this film was a work of art. A relationship between a human and a vampire of course would lead to a few vampire conventions being broken, but this managed to stay true to the vampire conventions all the way through, the only rule broken was the no reflection thing, there are no sparkling vampires or baseball scenes here, just blood sucking, buring in the sun and having to be invited in. The relationship more sympathetic too, Bella's friends accept her and are really nice to her whereas Oskar is shunned by everyone, Edward has a bretheren of vampires to hangout with and *urgh!* play baseball with, whereas Eli is 220 years old and has never had a friend since she really 12 plus a bunch of other stuff I won't revel.

This movie reached me emotionally harder than most movies do, along with a great script, amazing setting, brilliant cinematography and two amazing performances by Kre Henderant and Lina Leandersson this makes a perfect film for me. If I was 4 or 5 years younger back when my life kinda reflected Oskar's in a way then I would have sobbed uncontrollably, and Lina Leandersson would have become my celebrity crush, seeing she is such a beautiful little girl.

I give this on the Reilly scale of film, 5 stars! That's 5 out of 5 stars!

Freddy Got Fingered

Okay this is where I get thumbed down,

A lot of people bagged this movie out, Ebert gave it 0 stars, T-Meter says 11% Top Critics 7% RT Community 32% My Friends 18%

I personally thought that this was absolutely hilarious! It's about a dude called Gord Brody, is he crazy? is he retarded? Who knows? All I know is he does totally random stuff for no reason and it's hilarious. His dad wants him to get a job but he just wants to be a cartoonist. That is the plot for the entire movie.

Now it's easy to say that this movie makes no sense and is really really gross, because... well... It... makes no sense and is in fact really really gross but you see I am a fan of John Waters' Pink Flamingoes and I gotta say since Pink Flamingoes nothing has managed to be this fucking gross! I mean he jerks off a horse and rips a baby out of a labouring mother and swings it around the room by the chord, how all out do you wanna go? A lot of comedies have tried to extremely gross you out, but just end up going for cheap sex thrills, even Pink Flamingoes had a touch of titilation (only slightly) about it.

This is a gross out comedy that chooses grossness over tits and arse and it sticks to it and succeeds in shocking you, exactly what it intends to do.

I think Tom Green was aiming at having all the critics hate this film, he even showed up to claim his Worst Actor Razzie. Because of all the bashing it received it got its attention and made it's mark and will forever be remembered as one of the best worst movies ever.

I must also mention that I laughed so hard during this I nearly died, most of you won't but I did. The jokes are so random, it didn't suprise me that Green was on drugs whilst writting and acting in this movie, how else would you think to for no reason go deep sea diving in the shower? Or to make a helmet of cheese? Or to leap out a window during a DOCS meeting? Oh my God this is so stupidly funny!

I give this 4 stars, please don't kill me!