Chris' Review of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
I wanted to take my son to see a movie and even though I knew that this wasn't going to be very good I went in hoping to see the light so to speak.
DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ SPOILERS I WILL NOT WARN AGAIN
My expectations for this movie were extremely low. The fact that G.I. Joe was to be a Global Operations Group and Not a Real American Hero really set me back. I read that the Test Audiences despised it so they changed it to an American task force. Well they lied. G. I. Joe is based out of Egypt and they are still a Global Operations. I guess they decided to lie and deal with it later.
Lets start with the visuals. I really enjoyed Transformers and was willing to write off the horrible acting and (jumbled) plot due to the amazing visuals and action scenes. This move makes Wolverine almost look good. The animators should be fired. I know that it is pretty expensive to get a couple of Apaches and blow them up so everyone uses CGI. The beginning of the movie has 2 choppers flying escort for a caravan holding the 4 warheads the whole movie is about. They change scale several times and look like they were added after the movie was complete. They stand out like sore thumbs. The lighting on them is bad and they are viewed at perspectives that are different from the camera angle of the scene. This adds to the fact that they change scales a few times.
This happens in almost every scene in the movie with CGI. The CGI looks to have been done before the scenes were shot because the camera and the CGI don't line up. There is another horrible shot near the end at the polar ice cap battle. They launch the missile and the 4 "joes" come running out of the cave and the camera is at a 3/4 angle and the missile launching is at a straight on perspective and really looks like it is launching at an insane angle.
Same goes for the Paris chase scene (the Accelerator Suits). The perspective is different from the CGI and it really shows. Duke and Ripcord don't move like people. The scene where the Baroness' SUV is hit by the train is Horrendous!!! The SUV flips up in the air and the explosion happens on the ground WAY before the SUV hits and again the perspectives are way off.
OK Enough of the CGI. Lets talk acting. Not even Dennis Quaid was good in the movie. Granted he had some of the worst lines I have head in a long time (second only to Sam in TF2). Channing Tatum is quite possibly the worst actor out right now (again second only to Shila). I will say that the actor playing Storm Shadow was good and I bet if the writing had been better the actor playing Cobra Commander would have been better along with Quaid. But as it stands the writers wrote one of the worst stories of the year (right there with TF2)
OK what about the story. Uggh, what a turd. They had NO reason to change the characters in the story. This was supposed to be an action movie nobody was going there for a deep story. With the expected lack of a story WHY PISS OFF THE FANBOYS!!!!! There was NO REASON TO ALTER THE CHARACTERS. Didn't anyone learn form George Lucas. We can care less about when our favorite characters were children or what they did in the past.
Lets start with Snake Eyes. He was AWESOME in the movie. I have to talk about him and Storm Shadow together because their stories intertwine. In the beginning of the movie Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes meet and Storm Shadow calls him brother. Setting up for (of Course) flashbacks. anyone who knows the G.I. Joe saga and has read one of the best issues in series knows that Snake Eyes got blown up in Vietnam and thus CAN'T SPEAK not that he took a vow of silence because Storm Shadow killed their master??? The rest of the background of the two was acceptable BUT not a Vow of Silence.
Duke and Ripcord. Ok they bounced from different branches in the service. Woah there. You can't enlist in the army and decide that you want to be in the air force and request a transfer. it doesn't work that way. Also Enlisted men are not pilots so get in the back of the plane ripcord. Here is where they really took a crap on the whole background of G.I. Joe.
Baroness is Dukes Ex Fiance and her brother is a Scientist called Rex. He is also in the army along with Duke. Duke proposes to her and she says yes with the condition that Duke makes sure nothing happens to her brother on their next mission. Well you can see where this is heading. Well her brother gets blown up and she turns into the baroness. Little does she know that her brother is "the Doctor" who has been injecting Nano-mites into soldiers and turning them into Neo-Vipers. They become Super Soldiers with no fear. When I was watching the movie I was like "Cool Doctor Mindbender" but nope Dr Mindbender is some little weasel guy in Africa that Rex meets right before he gets blown up (again flashbacks, the movie is FULL of them). Well surprise...Rex turns out to be "the Doctor" and in the VERY END of the movie he puts on the clear mask and asks to be called "Commander" and we then see the outside of the sub has a Cobra Symbol. WooHoo right then they get captured and the movie ends. No I am not lying you. They show Destro with his new organic metal head (NOT A MASK) and cobra commander in tubes on the U.S.S. Flagg in jail cells. How did they get captured. Well the Baroness wasn't really bad she had also been ejected with Nano-Mites and was being controlled by her brother but she realized she still loved Duke and fought back to free him.
Scarlet and Ripcord have a romantic fling. Um nope Scarlet is Snake Eyes' Girl. They mention it in passing that she likes him but then her and ripcord get together. WHY!!! Why put poorly writen romance scenes in a ACTION MOVIE!!!
OK Snake Eyes "Kills" Storm Shadow in the end and falls to his knees in emotional pain. We know Storm Shadow isn't really dead so why fake it. And if they are not faking it why kill off one of the only two characters that made the movie worth more then 10%. The only time that I was interested in the movie was when those two characters were on the screen. I dislikes Snake Eyes' whole mouth being shown on his suit but other then that Ray Park Nailed him and the actor that played Storm Shadow was amazing.
So I give the Movie 1 star out of 5. Or 20% on the Rotten Tomatoes Meter. That is only for the fact that there was action (even though most of the CGI was Worse then most crappy Video Games) and Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow were cool.