Luigi M.'s Movie Ratings - Rotten Tomatoes

Movie Ratings and Reviews

X-Men: First Class

The guy they hired to play MAGNETo was one of those method actors that took his acting sequences that step too far for my likying. MADE ME LAUGHT. THE beast was an absolute freakin clown and MYSTIC was the only highlight... Was this a comedy or what... ACTION SEQUENCES WHERE AWESOME THOUGH

Green Lantern

good comic shit movie. . they made of Crap choice of actor to play the GREEN LANTERN, they made crap choices in picking an choosing the actions scenes, and they crapped all over the story line.. enough said..

2001: A Space Odyssey
½

What the moon landing should have looked like if Nasa had Stanley Kubricks budget... Memo to oneself this movie was released 1 year before moon landing

Starship Troopers
½

This film is not just about a quest for racial purity (between terrans and araknids). Its not just a perspective on a future which embrases militarism. But most importantly of all is an extension in the belief that man is a wild animal. And that if man lacks a moral and ethical capacity beyond just the will to survive, and he or she was confronted by another species with a similar lack of morality, then the only possible result would be warfare.... The book was good the movie was good must see for sci-fi fans..

Michael Jackson: Never Surrender

Quoting from teletext - 'Pop star Michael Jackson had a strong heart and was a "fairly healthy" 50-year-old, according to an autopsy report obtained in the US.

Jackson's death was ruled as HOMICIDE caused by a powerful anaesthetic....

I RECENTLY ASKED AN AUDIENCE WHAT THEY THOUGHT ABOUT RECENT EVENTS:-

Homi from Harlem:- Mutherfuckers the moment a niggeh gets somewhere in life some mutherfucker come along and fuck em up...t... THis has Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, tupac shakur, biggie smallz written all over it.. this is a goddam travisty .... I want justice... i WANT JUSTICE GODDAM DAMMIT ... ahhhhh bluh bluh bluh shut that baby up Kiantey jezebel lucifairy jedudiah

Conspiracy Joe:- He was a blood sacrifice to Moloch the owl man on the 1 $ note (cough cough ) .. We are all going to die 2012 the truth must be told MAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN shit did someone hear that... Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppp.


Michael Jackson fan:- people are just jealous of Michael he has been soo successful and they just used him.... We love you michael.,.. The cult i mean the fans are still going strong....,,.

ALL JOKES A SIDE WHO KILLED BJ I MEANT MJ.... I LEAVE THE QUESTION UP TO YOU???????

This is dedicated to Master Shouie

Drive
Drive(1998)
½

Before Rushhour you had a cracking little kungfu movie by the name of 'Drive'. And I will state that it was sooooo much more creative and interesting than 'Rush hour'.. Only difference was the budget,, Rush Hour was placed on Cinema and was sensationalised, whilst 'Drive' had budget cuts and was placed on video straightaway. Abit fucked up someone stealing your bluepriints like that and taking all your lime light....

This movie is very crazy and if you ever find it on DvD for cheap is well worth watching, a diamond in the dirt find .... definatly one of my favourite films with Mark Dacascos..

Jackie Chan must have copied a lot of ideas from this and placed it in Rush Hour. Shameon you Jackie ..

Road House
Road House(1989)

Greatest Club Bouncer movie of all time,,, seeing as its the only one ive seen ...

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine - Ep. 116

Star Trek Monopoly plagiaresed deepspace 9 off of babylon 5 and didnt even have the kind hearted nature as to even thank anybody. they remind me so much of Exxon or General Motors. If the Federation is a illustration of what they are like behind the scene's then they are worst than the borg... Resistance is in any respects Futile when coming up against the giants which are Star Trek corporation.. they assimilate and adapt others peoples fine work and show no respect to the writers who originally came up with the concepts.. hOw rude

Star Trek
Star Trek(2009)

Most of star trek was plagiarised off of other sci-fi stories. Deep Space 9 was a concept plagiarised off of Babylon 5. The show and the latest movie like the Federation it self is an enterprise which has assimilated and manipulated other people's ideas to suite its own.. with it inevitably trying to rule and monopolise the sci-fi industry..

I think what happened to the marquis (in deep space 9)was a war crime which the Federation had played a key part in.. Their story is the story of the attempts to eradicate private enterprise and individuality WHICH the Leviathan monster which the Federation is and always was.

The Bajorans, worf, beluneh, Nog, Garak all find themselves both assimilated and furthermore fighting as soldiers and spies for the federation.

The federation is worst that the Borg in assimilating people, it however does it in such a way not to make it not obvious, amking the host subserviant to the federation virus... And making resistance futile

Platoon
Platoon(1986)

Thee number 1 war movie of all time. I watch this every once and a while to remind myself of the true features of war.. In particular the inner battle within all of us to do good rather than evil in times of injustice.

Troy
Troy(2004)

This movie reminds me oto never trust greks bearing gifts.. I personally thought and felt Achlles was a real bastard. Achilles joined a war to ravage troy, fight, rape nad pillage... Yet gets pissed when patroclus his boyfriend accordign to that faghag Plato ('symposium')gets knocked off . What a FREAK.. I watched till the end just to see that bastard achilles die. Justice was served at a cost of a couple of hours of my life.Greek stories have never seemd that clever or prfound infact Star trek is the modern day Greko tale.. And i would rather watch that seeing that i have serious issues with wtching or reading how pedophiles and assholes are so wonderful killing and tormenting just for the bullshit they refer commonly too as GLORY

The Road
The Road(2009)

I never thought a post apocolyptic film could exist which cuold be worst than Cyborg with Jean Claude Van Damme. But then i saw this piece of turd.. Its not that the actors dont try to make it good.. Its just that a shit is a shit no matter how much you try and convince me otherwise... Dont bother watchign it waste of time ..

One Hour Photo
½

This movie reminded me of a constipated dump. Its nice when it tries to drop a load..Robin Williams put on a good performance and the movie itself looked great, however all of that exertion only lead to nothing more than a fart. This movie was both time consuming and finally concludes with nothing more than a rotten pongy smell.

Mercury Rising

The autistic kid is funnier than Mr Bean

Unaccompanied Minors

You really pissd somone off if he/she gave u this as a gift

Dawn of the Dead

DAWN OF THE DEADS satirical attack on chauvinism, consumerism, sexism, and racism, illustrates why horror movies are so important, especially for illustrating things the average corporate controlled media mogul would never have wanted stated within the context of real-time.

The movie delves into the nature of 1980's America and its failing inability to work together as a society when the world seems to be falling apart around them.

Movies including Zombie-land and the remake of Dawn of the Dead may have used the ingredients from this movie almost ironically to gain consumer interest and profit, but this golden nugget laughs at the face of materialism with much more potency and significance..

This movie was what made Zombie movies so great... THIS IS A TOP TEN MUST SEE MOVIE NO MATTER WHAT YOUR GENRE PREFERENCE IS

Undercover Angel

Fathers rights groups would be proud

The Lawnmower Man

All in all this movie is out-dated and to be honest you would probably have more fun cutting the lawn rather than going through the ordeal of watching the lawnmower man..

I think this movie stinks as bad as one of those bio- chemical toilets. I tried to give this movie to a friend and we stopped talking because of it. I tried to bury it but it just wouldnt de-compose and then my dog dug it up choked on it and died. I tried throwing it in the trash but the bin cleaners specifically removed it from the rest of the junk and left it outside the house.. Finally i tried giving it away to some hobo and he baet me with it..

F'ing hate this movie

Thirteen Ghosts (13 Ghosts)
½

From scene one you knew the african american woman was the first to be popped off... full of shit and pure cheese movies. They obviously blew the budget on visuals and fuck all on building a story line.. Pitiful

Fortress
Fortress(1993)

Eugenics conspiracy taken to another lvel...........

Spaceballs
Spaceballs(1987)
½

Spaceballs are a metaphor for events leading up to 1987 america.... The exploitation of the own resources and the attempt to steal other peoples raw materials... Random but effective ... Im not however a big fan of Mel Brooks and think he is highly overated his slap dash comedy is about outdated in modern standards and does that last the shelf-life something like trading places had done..

Rocky
Rocky(1976)

aaaaaaaddddddddddrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnn.
This is all about the AMERICAN DREAM .. CORPORATE AMERICA FUCK YEAH ..... ROCKY IS THE UNDERCLASS HERO..

2012
2012(2009)
½

First Scene:- daily plebian family lives
Second Scene:- Weather reporters talkin shit
Third Scene:- President makes a powerful bs reportabout Human Spirit
Fourth Scene:- World Ends
Fifth Scene:- the HUman spirit prevails

THE END (SOUND FAMILLIAR !!!! YEP ITS THE STORYLINE FOR THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW AND INDEPENDENCE DAY) WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT

Seen better Youtube 2012 movies.. loads of good sci-fi effects however the movie copies alot off of whats being depicted on youtube but shockign with a much lamer storyline. I.e. This piece of shit hasnt got an original bone in its freakin body... It is not the be all and end all of 2012 theories and the arc theory has been flying about on the internet for ages.. The money these losers had to make this movie i expected myself to be jizzing in my pants but no the miss-information dwads had to tamper with what cuold have be the jizz. - .the day after tomorrow is way better.

Michael Jackson's This Is It

This is It!!!! when will this ordeal fuckign end ...Will this cunt not rest in peace... Instead of eerilly re-emerging over and over again. Like a freaky horror story

Crash
Crash(2004)

The Race issue has never been more in your face... AWESOME MOVIE ... Which makes Nick Griffin look like a prick ... : ) ... The world is a shit hole Lets at least fix it up to some for the next generation...God only knows race hate issues fucked up the twentieth century ... Lets stop it from shitting all over the twenty first .//

Jet Li's Fearless (Huo Yuan Jia) (Legend of a Fighter)
½

BEST JET LI MOVIE TO DATE.. EPIC STORY LINE EPIC MARTIAL ARTS EPIC MOVIE.... FUCKN 'A'

Star Trek - First Contact/Generations Gift Set
½

Robotic Zombies try to take over the world.... EPIC .. Best Star trek movie to date

Paranormal Activity

If you love Blair Witch style horror.. This movie makes Blair Witch feel as scary as beetlejuice. Makes the exorcist feel as horryfying as Gremlins... It makes Hellraiser2 feel as petrifying as my little ponys ...

This movie is possessed and shit.I pissed my pants watching this film and not because it was funny.. All i know is that i cant sleep comfortably anymore... I feel like i am being watched and shit... Very awkward.

These movies are not meant to be for humn consumption.

The Dish
The Dish(2001)

Everyone kn0ws that the moon landing was a hoax. Seriously 2001 space odyssey released a year before the landing looked more realistic ... This movie is a man-whore

Backdraft
Backdraft(1991)

A ancient atlantian proverb:- backdraft led to follow through

Beetlejuice
Beetlejuice(1988)
½

Beetlejuice is a simple goth-geek fairy tale. It could only be described as the ultimate quirk horror.

A sequel to Beetlejuice has been thrown around for years but despite promises one has been left to wonder what would, or could, happen next.

Beetlejuice is posssibly one of my favourite characters from my teenage years and i have the upmost respect for Keaton due to this.

P.s. BIG UP THE BURTON!!!!

Edward Scissorhands

Like an alternate romance tale, Tim Burton sweeps us away into a 1960's world of suburban fiction what I have come to refer to as 'the world of Burtoncraft'.

As a modern day fairy tale, similar to Frankestein monster or beast in beauty and the beast, Edward is both dangerous with his Scissor-hands yet at the same time an object of sympathy and pity. Edwards kindness however is always governing his heart.. Something which 'the inventor' (his father) placed particular attention upon before his subsequent death.

In essence Burton is stressing the complex issue of human nature and it's (our) relationship and reaction with the unfamiliar and new. Edward originally enters into a colourful suburban community and wins the residence over with his gentle and softhearted nature. Yet quickly the novel compassionate nature of the suburbanites turns into a much sinister fear..

I will only state that the suburban world that Tim Burton invents is consumer crazy and with that comes jealousy, ignorance and fear especially about the 'other' or in this case the ultimate other Edward Scissorhands.

What Tim Burton did with this film was to make the entire audience gasp.. As well as having all the unique artistic qualities Edward Scissorhands also has massive public appeal. Rising above language barriers and international boundaries.. Tim Burton proves himself as an international superstar in numerous fields including writing, directing, and art.

Monsters, Inc.

This movie transcends borders, religions, cultures, age categories, and sex... Making it the first universally friendly movie to be produced in the 21st century.

Educating the world about the importance of changing the energy resources we have become so dependent upon.... This movie is a fine example of how boring topics such as finding new energy sources can be creatviely illustrated and taught to the next generation on a Global Scale..

The movie is soo good the animation soo great i am getting all hot and flustered and im a bloke ... wtf !!!!!
Dont u love it when they brainwash u with such class.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Season 7

Women in vampire films use to be whiney little helpless sluts.. But thanks to modern feminism whiney little militant sluts and pathetically weak new age male counter-parts have replaced all that... protecting the rest of us dumb losers from those unruly virgin obsessed foreign (transylvanian) leeches (aka bloodsuckers).

Due to programmes such as Buffy, Boris Johnson (mayor of london) stated allegedly that:- 'the molestation of virgin men and women on the streets of london has dropped considerably since 2004 and that this is all due to the neighbourhood-watch-system advertised and instigated from the Buffy the Vampire slayer series....

Unshaven women rights activists must be confident that the the male patriarch who rules the world today will eventually be replaced by an even hairier, mostachio,dominatrix type lke Margaret thatcher, Sarah Palin, Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama with really bad elvis style gelled quifs..... And as creepy as this may be some male counter-parts in particualr Wayne Rooney finds himself strangely excited about this notion....


Thank u world for making the future as exciting and as original as the past... i can imagine the slogan for the US election - 'Yes She Can' - of coarse only after 8 more years of arduos 'yes we can' ....

The Postman
The Postman(1997)

This movie was a promotional tape made to recruit postmen... In fact i heard that this film was used as a training video preparing the modern day postman to deal with post-apocalyptic conditions predicted to take shape in and around 2013...

The Pro-Postman propaganda spouted by the director of this movie has been considered instrumental to union strikes in and around the UK from 1997 till sept - 2009...

KEVIN COSTNER IS AS INTERESTING AS WATCHING PAINT DRY


This review is dedicated to my pals Lawrence and Laurence

Battlestar Galactica
½

The year is 1990 a geeky, spotty greasy little thing by the name of Luigi Mario .... Spent nearly 6 months frantically running home to watch this shit on TV.....


Sad but true... Gotta rate it highly for keeping me transfixed and brainwashed for some many years .......

Sansho the Bailiff (Sanshô dayû)

This film is a chilling and depressing illustration of life not just in Medieval Japan but also of the dark reminder of attitudes of post-apocolyptic Japan. Within the context of the dark reality of slavery,director Kenji Mizuguchi amends and modernises a well known Japanese myth (a.k.a. the story of Anju). In his statement about medieval society Mizuguchi directs the audience towards a candid reflection on problems 1954 post-world war 2 Japan had faced. The story shed's light upon the self-sacrifice and suffering which one must endure to achieve genuine good deeds. Be prepared to shed many tears whilst watching this movie so please keep yourself well hydrated.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit
½

I had and still do have a crush on Jessica Rabbit... That is all i have to say about this one.. No more comment, no more review.. my psychologist told me i need to get this type of stuff off of my chest before i can move on... The end...

Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who!
½

In summary the movie sheds light upon the idea that as a child our imagination opens our hearts and minds to new ideas, concepts, realities, and fantasies... However as we get older this gets disregarded by the harshness of a world where make-believe is discouraged.... In fact the harshness of scepticism, ignorance and arrogance is illustrated very powerfully in the final scene of this movie....

I loved how 'the Who from Whoville' had to shout together as a united voice to get heard.... And how it finally took the voice of the most silent 'Who' for true change to be made and the voices of all to be recognised.

The Who from Whoville, which are considered nothing more than a 'Speck of dust' in the bigger picture, are a metaphor of how smaller governments, tribes, creatures, cultures and civilisations throughout the world have and still do get trampled all over... However this can change if a united voice works together as was the case in 'Whoville'.. Also with this comes the voice of reason which believe's in the protetion of the 'Who' - Horton the elephant -, who interestingly throughout the duration of the movie gets sensored, persecuted and finally caged because of his convictions...

Yet again the conclusion is simple:-Without a voice we as a people could be destroyed enslaved and held back by the ruthless leviathan who cares nothing for human suffering....

This movie without necessarily meaning to is a clear advocate for the notions of making your voice heard for your right to exist:-

Quoting from the declaration of independence :- 'We hold these truths to be [sacred and undeniable] selfevident, that all men are created equal and independent; that from that equal creation they derive in rights inherent and inalienables, among which are the PRESERVATION OF LIFE, and liberty and the pursuit of happiness....'

VIVA LA DR SEUSS.....

Maybe someone should educate the military on the finer points of the preservation of life and liberty....

The most intelligent, fascinating, creative and unique animation movie i have come across so far... And can be watched repeatedly...

Murder She Wrote - The Complete Ninth Season
½

Wanted Jessica Fletcher-
For the murder of a countless number of victims between 1985- 1995... If found do not confront and call your local official immediately (if possible call the military). This woman is highly volatile and has been known for fooling goofy looking local Police detectives into thinking other people killed the victim with the most ridiculous execuses...

Dog Soldiers
Dog Soldiers(2002)
½

possibly the best werewolf movie in recent years ... except for the 'udnerworld trilogy' which really is a mixture of vampire and werewolf ....

So i will conclude by saying:- What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock? He got ticks. This was a cool movie i strongly recommend anyone who likes werewolf movies to get the claws on this one.


'They think its all over it is now or should i say nooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.' -- youll figure it out by the end of the movie

The Quick and the Dead
½

The age-old Western formula about a gunfighter going into a lonesome town in the West getting rid of some evil villian is reiterated in this movie.... The difference however is that the gunfighter in this film is a Woman (Sharon Stone).

Yep you got the message of this movie a feminist mind trap..

Its strange is it not that women and homosexuals place in media has progressed.... Yet stereotypes are still portrayed about african or chinese or Arabs or South Americans etc....


One day us bastards will look back and act so god-dam righteous about our miss-conceptualised mockery of our fellow human being..


I can image liberal twats from the 22nd century preaching about how ignorant we had been .... And how it inevitably paved /led the way to World War 3

The Evil Dead
½

A brilliant film by the equally brilliant Sam Raimi. Definatly in my top 10 zombie movie list....

In short: - Five friends go up to a cabin in the some fucked up dingy woods. decide to fuck around with some dodgy satanic ritual book.. One by one, the teens become deadly zombies. With only one remaining (Bruce Campbell the legend), it is up to him to survive the night and battle the evil dead.

ps- Bruce Campbell directed the series finale of Hercules.. Legend......

District 9
District 9(2009)
½

The best Sci-fi movie to come out this year... possibly one of the best Sci-fi movies of all time... Original Unique and Awesome.... I am well over excited abotu this movie its a classic Dark Horse.....

The apartheid story turned into a Sci-fi bananza.... FUCKIN A

I need my next fix from this movie... PLEASE MAKE AN EVEN BETTER SEQUEL.....

Class of 1999

Have you ever wondered what happens to teachers after school???? notice how you never see them walking around the streets that often.... If so could it be that they are all cyborgs programmed by the US military..

In brief imagine if robocop was hired to be your school teacher....... This movie was old school...

Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior

The best of the Mad Max trilogy.. The Road Warrior pissed all over most post-apocolyptic movies . including the flawed storyline in its sequel that shitty beyond the Thunderdpom and the crappy original ... I forgive them all just for this diamond of a movie... this is a classic example movie that sequels are better than prequels and originals.....

This movie was legendary ... Gyro Captain and that Ferel Kid with the boomerang are two of my favourite characters of all time...

Deep Blue Sea
½

I think jaws could fuck these Sharks up... But i also recon i could easily fuck up jaws by training and drugging up 2 Killer Whale's with steroids.... Best scene was when Samuel L Jackson gets eaten during his highly melodramatic whining about the state decorum and bullshit along those lines.

This film was so cool it gave me the shivvers.

Home Alone
Home Alone(1990)
½

This movie delves into the psychi of the United States of America... Ever wanted to understand the concepts behind the declaration of independence, in paritcular the point about the right to bear arms....

This little nuggets sums it all up with a nice capitalist (buy loads of unneccessary junk) over tone to it...

Oh dont forget the SUBLIM about the immigrating problem.... E.G. those pesky italians thieves ...

If you havent watched it this movie is worthwhile... And will have you wanting to buy all the state of the art household appliances ....

The 'Burbs
The 'Burbs(1989)
½

This golden classic harks back on the notions of capitalism, individuality and its place in a suburban community. shame the retarded professional Critics are so stuck up they cant rate this film for both its originality and creativity ...... Whilst some boring 3 1/2 hour Mel Gibson & Kevin COstner or even worst some random Sandra Bullock chic flick movie is rated far too highly..........

To sum it up:- Tom Hanks is a man of peace living in a savage land..... Surbubia.... this movie rocks .... reminds us of the wierdo's that live next door... and how nosey neighbours can truelly be.....

Swivvle on my middle finger professional critics. This is a classic movie. Which will be watched for many years to come. enjoyable for both children, adults, male, females, and the international community alike....

I repeat the critics have proven that they are assholes that will rate something highly to get on the band-wagon when a big budget movie comes out (for example:- what the fuck is miss congeniality doing, getting better ratings than this classic??????????!!!!!!!!!!???). Educating young girls how to dress like SLAGS..

Movies with the least original storyline get higher rating yet something so creative and unique is given 38%. If this movie was some random faggity film noir , cannes film festival movie with PAINT DRYING for 2 1/2 hours... these critics would have rated it around a 70%.

the farce is that the critics couldnt read into the indepth sublim info this movie was telling us about surburban society as a whole. Movie's like this are stepping stones blue-prints for such ideas a Home-Alone, and some of the random sit-coms we have seen today ..

Chinatown
Chinatown(1974)

The ironic nature of Polanski situation today ( in jail for sleeping with a 13 year old girl) makes this movie even more significant to review. ..

If anyone would no what the rich and powerful get up too behind closed doors ... such as pedophilia, necrophillia, murder and in thIS case INCEST. It would be Roman Polanski......

Isnt it even more interesting to read that years back this guy had contact and quite possibly shook hands with Charles Manson ....

I wonder who Polanski based his main antagonist offf... it could it be one of the rich people he had contact with or even worse the main bad guy is based upon himself!!!!!!?!?!?!

Another truelly SCANDALOUS reality of what happens behind closed doors.... IM FREAK'D

Dèmoni (Demons)
½

One of the most under-rated horror movies of all time's. After 28 days later, and Night of the living dead this is my next favourite Zombie movie....

Ghost Chase
Ghost Chase(1988)
½

Cheesy repetitive soundtrack....Yep thats the sound of my Childhood...

This movie is a PG RATED horror movie.... I liked it... Has a 7:00 - 10:00 am christmans mornign feel to it...

Coneheads
Coneheads(1993)
½

This movie should be taught in the history classroom... In particular seeing as early 21st century immigration has become the excuse for so much hate...

I hark back to this golden classic.... Did u realise that america's superpower status is based around illegal aliens such as the coneheads. (einstean was a classic example of a conehead)

I am shocked this movie recieved such low rating from everybody... proving yet again my belief that most people are COCKS.... ....

RoboCop
RoboCop(1987)

This movie is being re-made instead of the bastards paying money to come up with a new more rockin 21st century idea.... a prime example of what is wrong with the world....


Im not saying people dont have any awesome ideas... but what i am saying is stealing them package them with half as much enthusiasm . Only ends up being very shitty .. . FUCKING A

Space Truckers

Space Truckers rocks fuck all y'all TITANIC LOVING.... IDEA STEALING PLAGIARISTS..... KIISSSSSS MMYYYYYY FUCKKKIIINNNGGGG ARSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

This movie may have not been the best but was more original than the shit i have seen over and over again... swivvle on my middle finger... you CUNTS

Dirty Dancing

RIP SWAYZE.. Teenage girl gets in with dirty old man... Something wrong about that.... pedo movie....

The Punisher
The Punisher(1989)

Seeing as the previous owner of this vhs tape recorded the Formula 1 racing over the beginning of this movie didnt do this nugget any favours!!!

The good parts consist of a Yakuza throwing an annoying shitty little kid into a crate. And its refreshing attempt to prmote the Yakuza as a multi-cultural organisation which are willing to hire people from all kinds of cultural backgrounds..

But thats as interesting as it gets,,,, the Thespian hobbo really pisses me off... And the actor should be shot for his randon unnneccary role in this movie. His one-liners disgusted me ...


Dolph Lundgren looks like he is fucked on drugs but it really doesnt matter because his acting didnt do any favours either.

To conclude this movie is as interesting as a woman's fart its very stinky and has a dirty after taste which sticks to your teeth..

Barb Wire
Barb Wire(1996)

This is the second best Pamela Anderson movie ever. The first is the Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson BJ which u can find on your average porn site... Thats what im talking about.....

I got alot of love for Pamela even with her considerably deflated nipples..

The Last Starfighter
½

this movie pisses all over star wars and star trek .....
And i mean literally urinates all over it... .This movie was one of the first to use computer graphics and even though the ship exlposions are shitty.... All in all i thought the movie was quite imaginative and more original than star wars.... I repeat this movie pisses over George Lucas plagiarised star wars script and Gene Roddengays boring lets spend two hours talking about intergalactic trade negotiations between the Klingons and the Romulans ..... Fuck Star Wars and FUCK star trek ,,,.... this is exactly how a sci-fi alien movie should be.

This movie is a classic example of originality being regurgitate over and over again by tossa's like Roddengay and Lucas...

17 Again
17 Again(2009)
½

In brief this movie is quite literally the opposite of BIG .... I never thought i would like a movie with that fag from high school musical but i was delightfully proven wrong....

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers
½

This movie is fuckin nutz .... MoST of the women has fake tits as well ... Some cool on liners though... I just wish the movie had more real tits in ti . .

Dead Calm
Dead Calm(1989)

Nicole Kidman ;- Was BUFF in this movie. no doubt the hottest movie she was in ... And you get to see some titties tooo.... SOOOO HHOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTT ... OH THE MOVIE WAS OK TOO

The Frighteners

Why are graveyards so noisy ? Because of all the coffin ! Michael J Fox rocks and an old schoool classic.. Peter Jackson has proven himself as a horror movie director again... And I love me Horror

Arachnophobia

In the year of the Mexican PIG Flu. I will remind the audience of Venezuela's Arachno Flu ;- dont fuck with the south- central america... these people swim in this shit. THIS MOVIE IS OLD SCHOOL CLASSIC.

A Scanner Darkly
½

Best film of 2006;/...... This movie rocks and to be honest i think this will be a cult classic for years to come waiting for my opportunity to save up enough to buy the DVD

Look Who's Talking

Our scientological prophet be praised... This movie provides and educates the plebian to the Scientological method of child raising...

Watch as thye leave the baby with a drug needle... Helping in the growth of the DRUGS DONT WORK POLICY at such a young premature age...

Look Who's Talking Now

Our scientological overlord be praised.. Travolta has graced us with another one of his miracles.. Notice how everyone has grown old yet Travolta is getting younger in every on of the Look who's trilogy... This is proof that Travolta has the power of a healer,.... Join us and send us $10000000000000 ... We need myour oney. to defeat the aliens which are invading planet Terra nOVA...

Look Who's Talking, Too

This is our Intergalactic scientological warlord at his finest... proving that even turds can survive the ages... This movie was a floater which couldnt be flushed down,. God bless you Travolta for makign such shit for us to ponder over and examine.....

Grease
Grease(1978)

I got chills and they are multiplying just thinking about this turd . Our Scientologist prophet was born in this year... Bless you Travolta for reminding us of that dancing and singing is the path to hynotising people into the path of intergalactic glry ...

Phenomenon
Phenomenon(1996)

If this is the shit you can do with a Brain Tumor.. i am going to start sticking my head in the microwave abit more.... This movie is like a diahorea which contains 90% cheese,,,,,the crap just keeps pouring out.

This man is like the Santa Clause of scientology ....

Requiem for a Dream

I wouldnt feed this DVD to my dog... horrible movie and the truth is films like Traffic, Trainspotting, Menace to Society piss all over this urine... Im thinking about shrink wrappign the piece of shit and passing it on as a gift to someone else.. I think the movies cursed or something !!!!!!!


Anyone who ever likes this shit is possessed or something because this is like one of those floating turds which just wont flush down the loo

Traffic
Traffic(2000)

THIS MOVIE IS BEST DEFINED IN SEX TERMS AS A FULL ON ORGY.... UNLIKE REQUIEM OF A DREAM WHICH WOULD BE NOTHING MORE THAN A NASTY HAND JOB FROM A FAT UGLY HOOKER........

White Chicks
White Chicks(2004)
½

The only ok movie from the Wayans brothers .... Which is kinda ironic seing as they played the roles of a bunch of spoilt rich sissys... And in reality they are a bunch of spoilt rich sissys....

Shake Hands with the Devil

I shake hands with the devil around about 7:00 am every morning .... My mum told me it will eventually make me go blind..... But me and him have a arrangement...

Days of Thunder

just send us your money you cheap bastard or we are goign to to keep terrorising you screens with shitty Tom CRUISE MOVIES ......

Minority Report
½

Our lord has proven himself as a saviour once more. Scientologists be praised..In this overrated sci-fi movie which is not even half as good as fACE OFF he defeats an aged old man who was just about to retire anyways .. saving our world well basically from a aged old dude. Remember to send us $100000 to be saved.. if you really want to see how great our prophet is and listen to voice and of our inspiring prophet and please check out hs website http://www.tomcruise.com/

The Last Samurai

This is our lord saviour at his intergalactic best.,,, Bless him and be blessed yourselves... remember to send me $100000 with a stamped adress envolope to Luigi Mario ... or email me at Luigi Mario @ Scientologist. co. UK... And get your free scientologist bumper sticker with a photocopied signed autograph of our prophet Grand Master Cruise sent to you...

Jerry Maguire
½

All hail our lord and saviour/prophet 'TOM CRUISE'. Blessed are they that believed and finally saw that he could deliver. The fact that this role was designed to precisely mimick Tom cRUISES off screen arrogance is not the issue,.....

The Scientologist organisation would like to thank all those who confided and beleived in our prophet from day one,... and offer you the opportunity to send us $100000 SO THAT we can teach you have to purge you sould from the alien ufo menace which is threatening our home world Terra Prime//... ..

Far and Away
Far and Away(1992)

Nah this movie was just shit... Even us scientologist cant stop you from hating this one...

Vanilla Sky
Vanilla Sky(2001)

All the top critics have now been placed on the Scientologist hit list you had been warned!!!!!

Cocktail
Cocktail(1988)

All the T-Meter critics have been placed on the scientologists hit list you have been warned ......!!!

Mission: Impossible

As a scientologist.... i feel obligated to tell you that Tom Cruise is our prophet and if anybody fucks with him we fuck with you compreday

Tango & Cash
Tango & Cash(1989)
½

Two street cops... One a rich bougersie biatch one a proletariat scum bag..... This is a classic case of the workign class nf the rich coming together against a common enemy ... Taking GUNS OFF HTE STREET MAN... the classness society beign spawned in such a classless fashion .... .... it puts a tear in yuor eye

Hellbound: Hellraiser II

Best of the Hellraiser movies.... Pinhead is a horror icon ... and does anyone else find the step mum slight erotic... for a dead fleshless beast.. I need ot pray and say a few hail marrys for that one.

From Dusk Till Dawn

Crazy Tarrantino movie... Which for 50 % of the time was a kidnapping armed robber thriller... Then bam you suddenly find yourself with vampires killling everything in an ultra crazy fashion..... And icing of the cake is Salma Hayek doesnt speak that often...

Planet of the Apes

This movie elucidates upon the state decorum and the social implication of.....(shut the fuck up_who care) .. Its not a bad movie and I like these funky 60'-70's sci-fi adventures.. This was and still is one of the best out of a bunch

The Lost Boys

The lost boys lost my attentiON by the finale.. Good to begin with then turned shit.... Too teenage friednly if yu aks me ...

The Thing
The Thing(1982)
½

Kurt Russell in the anoterh classic ... The Thing however was abit of a pussy and if it did take over the world it woudl find it hard to beat the sahara desert temperatures.... And besides i recon i could have it...

DIY ... Thing killer is easy to make and consists of - A deodarent can and a lighter ..

Pitch Black
Pitch Black(2000)
½

Van Diesal was this shizm back in the dya... really likes this movie wanted the prequel to come out ...>!>!>!>!>

Battle Royale

I recon this is what they should do with kids who have an asbo ........ keep the fuckers off the street ..

Candyman
Candyman(1992)

i spent hours of my youth looking at a mirror calling upon the candy man ... didnt work ... what a load of crap

Flash Gordon
Flash Gordon(1980)
½

Ming is a legend... Prince Vultan is one of my icons i lookg up too ... , Flash Gordon a latent homosexual,, Prince Barin a pussy.,,, Princess Aura a slut.... And Klytus melts like the witch in alice in wonderland when he dies....


Great movie ....... Soundtrack is by Queen .... It all good

Escape from New York

Another Kurt Russell classic..... Brign it on this movie is nearly as cool as Big Trouble in litter China... actually that is a lie its not even closee but still worth while to watch for its cheese

Mike Bassett: England Manager
½

If you love football and you love the English football team .... you must watch Mike Bassett: England Manager. This movie is wicked.... SWIVVLE ON IT ARGENTINA ...

Spartacus
Spartacus(1960)
½

I AM SPARTACUS ....''''Wicked MOvie''''' ....... TOP NOTCH ORIGINALITY,.... THey dont even COME close to make as good as this nwo adays. Unless you thgink Brave Heart was good...... True legend of a classic.....

Ben-Hur
Ben-Hur(1959)
½

This movie is awesome.... Yhinks about it they still cant make movies like this today... Gladiator is a fake imitation commercial regurgitation...

Gladiator
Gladiator(2000)

I would have prefered them to have just made a remake of spartacus.... But htis will do nice classic... Just not as good as the old School Ben Hur /Spartucus

Animal Farm
Animal Farm(1954)
½

Thsi movie got me into George Orwell.... Love it and love its detailed account of the aftermath of the russian civil war....... .

The Crow
The Crow(1994)

Want to watch Brandon lee die in slow motion ... The triad knocked off Bruce and Brandon and added carradine in a three for two deal (it was a discount offer they had going) ... Any fool knows you dont fuck with the triad...

Batman Forever

Tommy lee jones, jim carey, Val kilmer and Nicole Kidman couldnt even save this shit... what a load of turd in a vhs tape

Highlander
Highlander(1986)

What do you call a highlander with 4 sheep? A pimp .... but more importantly always remember when oyu are trying to get a job in this dog eat dog capitalist society is THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE ............ Y

Scream
Scream(1996)

the bad guy/ ghoul was a pussy and got his ass kicked repeatedly before finally being killed.. quite literally it took the piss out of the horror movie genre but without making me laugh once... The sequels where even worst... this is just commercial crap

Jeepers Creepers

Hey sis lets just stop and check out the dead body some f'ing psycho just chucked down a drain pipe.... My asss... Keep driving .... I dont think it would take a high iq to work that out...


this was not a bad horror movie from the yanks be aint no 28 days later : )

We Were Soldiers

Here we go again and again.... I have never see this Twat making any movies showign the atrocities on the Abroginals in Australia . Or is that too close to home Mel .

This movie features Mel Gibson blaming tne vietnamese for wanting to rule the own land.Go pray to you White JEsus and fuck off Gibson. . HOWEVER THIS MAN IS A PRICK ..


All his movies have race hate involved in them... But i have alwatys concluded by hating him the most by the end of all of theM... This man is a self righteous ass=hole

The Patriot
The Patriot(2000)

Here we go again... This is another big budget Mel Gibson movie. With him evangelising the world to his new-age end is nigh christianity and dissing everything English .... .

Blair Decade
Blair Decade(2007)

Wanted for --- lying , lying , lying ---

The Mothman Prophecies

Any mf Moth comes near me and ill just light a candle. Based on the (alleged) true events which took shape in a hick town called Pleasant Point. It sounds to me like some dumb hick must have tried to ahve sex with a Moth and that how mothman was born....

This movie starts off ok but gets shitty at the end of it... starring richard gere and that annoying red haired bitch from Will and Grace,.

The sequel to this movie shoudl be called Mothman vs the Candlestick ......

Braveheart
Braveheart(1995)
½

I was exhausted by the end of this movie.... Took too bloody long.... Amd to be honest Fcuk Mel Gibson ... All his movie's are anti English AND pro these crazy ass Evangelic christians who think the end is nigh... What a prick...

The Blues Brothers
½

Rock and roll baby with a whole lot of soul... One of those movie's that can be enjoyed if your 12-60. If its the 1980's or the year 2120.. This movie is god's gift to alll of us plebian mugs who walk around pointlessly drinking and waisting our lives away with no reason but to eat sleep and work....


Blue brothers gets my vote of approval

Stephen King's It
½

I hated the Waltons ... So John-boy walton really bugs me. Add john-boy with a stutter and you just get hate out of me . John BOY Walton pisses me off more than the clown..

Good movie and seeing that the clown is played by Tim Curry (rocky horror show). It makes up for the fact that John-boy walton was in it..

... top notch horror .... but deep down inside i wanted John Boy walton to never show his face on the screen again. Let alone get more famous out of this classic horror ..

Just go and be an acting coach John-boy and leave the hollywood glitz for those who deserve it ... You had you shot and you blew it .

Notorious
Notorious(2009)

Is it Malcolm X nope, Is is Martin Luther King nope... Then why has a crack dealing,drug abusing, money grubbing womanising, over weight glutoness prick have a movie which presents him like one of these previous listed names...

Why is this prick an icon for the kids.. Notorious was the type of skank which degraded the words of afircan American leaders such as Martin Luther King and Malcolm X. Here is a man making hero's out of crack pushers, prostitutes and pimps...

I dont appreciate a movie turning him into an African American icon.. I aint black i aint american but ill tell you one thing. FUCK NOTORIOS B.I.G. (THIS MAN sold crack to kids and acted like Al-cAPONE)

Why not just dam us all to hell and make a movie featuring AL-CAPONE AS JESUS!!!!!

Movie did its job though and brainwashed well enough so that i didnt feel like switching it off (must have been the sublims) - I SUDDENLY FEEL LIEKE A MCDONALDS

28 Days Later
½

This movie is an accurate portrayal of the Pikey's which roam the streets of the UK today..., For example :-A/ similar to Pikey the Zombie's in this film have the same physical behavioural problems and randomly attack without reason... B/ It is not safe to roam around the streets at night especially in the towns/cities because of them C/ if you drink enough and hang around with them you find yourself turning into them D/ they are spreading in a fast rate (and usually live in council estates with a family size of 5-7 per house).....

So accurate is the portrayal of the film that I am seriously considering beating to death A pIKEY with a baseball bat.. Nicking his GOVERNMENT tax funded WI system and locking my-self in my room for the long run....

The best Zombie horror to date. .. .

Boogeyman
Boogeyman(2005)

I have had shits that have scared people worst than this movie.. and im talking aboutthe type of shit that when you walk into it makes you eyes water and you can quite literally taste..

This movie sickened me not because it was goorey or violent or scary. Just because I have seen horror movie's with a lower budget with a better outcome for example Basket Case. I have even seen episodes of Tales from the crypt....
With a more horryfying outcome and that was for the children..

I cant believe they made sequels to this shit... I just think that was very rude of them... they fucked up once and they actually got funded to fuck up again and again...

It felt just like wtching George Bush get re-elected..

Once upon a Time in Mexico
½

We had Once Upon A Time in the West, We had Once Upon a Time in China, We had Once Upon a time in America, we had Once upon a time in...... (Which is a french animated series describing all world history)... We even had Once Upon a time in the Midlands!!!!!!!!!!! Why all these Once upon a time's .... well I don?t actually know ..

It could be in part due to a lack of imagination from the directors or It may have something to do with directors and producrs making money out of national fervour. By making us the millions of stupid viewers actually think or imagine that the film star could be a representation of one of our long lost relatives...

In fact pretty much all of the Once Upon a Time genre?s have made pretty good money (specifically from the region from which the film was named after). The best of all was Once Upon a time in China which quite literally made me proud to be Chinese (which is a kinda odd feeling seeing as i?m not Chinese in any way or form).

Getting back to this particular Once upon a time:- the movie was both cool and smooth but i never expected anything else out of the cast that they had going... The action scene;s where great and generally speaking it had all of what you expected out of a cliche Mexican action mvie for example the assassins (represented by Antonio Banderes, Enrique Inglesias and Marco leonardi) where a bunch of guitar playing, latino dancing tequila swigging freedom fighters.

In particular i liked Johnny Depp but i never really understood his part in Once Upon a time in Mexico. It kinda felt like they just added his character to the script so that Johnny Depp cuold be in the movie... Salma Hayek dies and you only see her in past tense flash-backs,,, so she yet again didnlt really have to do much acting (which is possibly a good thing).. and Enrique Inglesias who was also in it did us all a favour and kept his singing to a minimum.


The film story line sheds light upon the corrupting influence of the Mexican gangs upon democracy in Mexico. Even though it does it with cheese cliche's ... The presidentey (president) is under threat from a mob funded military coup... The finale is a gun slinging blood baths(with all the cheese viva la Mexico -camarada you could possibly imagine)

To conclude out of all the Once Upon a time in whereever!!!!! GENRES.. I got the feeling that Once upon a time in Mexico was more of a comedy which made fun at what has become known as Mexican Cliche's ... I can?t say too much more except for its worth watching. It may even make you proud to be Mexican I know It made me proud and im not even Mexican!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hard Times
Hard Times(1975)

Before Rocky (Sylvester Stallone), before Kickboxer (Jean-Claude Van Damme), before the Running Man (Arnold Schwarxnegger) you had Hard Times (aka the Street Fighter starring Charles Bronson.) released in the cinema?s in 1975..


Set during the great depression of the 1920's this movie delves into the lives of those from the outskirts of society. A drifter by the name of Chaney (the silent hero), who finds himself bare knuckle fighting to make ends meat, beats the number one bare-knuckle fighter in Louisiana only to be targetted by the loansharks who want to make the money back off of him.

In short:- His agent (starring james coburn aka affliction) with a gambling problem ends up indebted to the local loan sharks... His medic health advisor (strother martic aka the prison guard from cool hand luke) has an opium addiction.. His girl-friend (Jill Ireland was Charles Bronsons real wife who dieds of breast cancer 1991) leaves him for a richer man.. And the unfortunate corruption of the underground illegal prize fighting scene leaves Chaney (Charles Bronson) with a harsh and difficult reality he must face.

This is one of those movie's you really should at least take a look at..

Released in and around 1975 personally I feel it still holds its own today...... This movie quite literally has one of those knock-out finishes...

The Sixth Sense
½

I see dead people .... Or should i say i see famous dead people (such as the young Mischa Barton or the balding Bruce Willis)..... Great movie which in its own way revolutionised the horror/thriller movie genre. This is undoubtedly my favourite movie from Director Shyamalan.


An interesting fact that i was informed about recently was that the sixth sense was based on a short story from one of my childhood favourites - the tales from the crypt.... the TALES FROM THE CRYPT wow i get excited just think about that program

To conclude this movie can be watched over and over again which in my perspective can only be a positive.... does any body no whaat Haley Joel Osment is up too today?

Flatliners
Flatliners(1990)
½

We have travelled under the sea with sub marines, we have flown into the air with flying machines,, we have landed on the Moon with space ships (or Hollywood studios still under debate)......And the outer world has all but been explored...

Ther is only one realm left for mankind to explore...the inner realm the realm of Death ... And a group of medical students wanting to make a name for themselves and led by an emo (goth) looking Kiefer Sutherland.. decide to take turns killing each other for short periods of time and then resuscitating themselves. Hoping to find out what really exists in the afterlife...


The consequences of tampering with the work of god led to a dark and sinister outcome. Both creative and interesting this movie deserves a watch ...

Ringu (Ring)
Ringu (Ring)(1998)

A DIY guidefor making this movie for cheap(please take notes)

1/ Record yourself combing your hair and get your little sister to wear a long wig and film her standing in the corner of the room( if you dont have a sister just find something very hairy -- i.e. go to your local hairdressers and ask the if they have any spare hair they could give you)
2/ practive making weird screeching noiises with your voice (this will build the tension)
3/ make a Vhs tape copy so that you can attach a microchip in your chunky tape leave it in a hotel wait until someone steals it and start tracking
4/ call the person with the tape and tell them your going to kill them ... just to add the suspense and drama
5/ wait until they leave the house then break in make a hole in the Tv and crawl out of it when they get back home..

The moral of this movie hit me like a bolt of lightning and is as follows...:- this is what happens when you dump an Emo (Goth) down a well .... All that negative energy accumulated over years of pondering over suicide and hurting themselves ----eventually manifests itself into pure evil...

Masters of the Universe 2: Cyborg

Van-Damme knocked a stunts mans eye out in this movie (got sued for it) another interesting fact is that the outfits had meant to be used in the He-Man Master of the Universe movie. But Canon lost the rights to it so they made this shit instead...To summarise the movie i will leave it to my favourite villain of all time ;- Fender Tremolo:

?First there was the collapse of civilization: anarchy, genocide, starvation. Then when it seemed things couldn?t get any worse, we got the plague. The Living Death, quickly closing its fist over the entire planet. Then we heard the rumours : that the last scientists were working on a cure that would end the plague and restore the world. Restore it? Why? I like the death! I like the misery! I like this world!!?

This film goes downhill from this point onwards (PS this point is the first 5 seconds of this movie)

The Dark Knight

Batman movie franchises remind me of those fake Coca Cola drinks you can buy in the stores for cheap. Drinks such a Coca Pop or Cola or Coca or fizzy Coke or Cola Fizz or Pepsi Coca or Pepsi Cola.. They are all pretty shitty compared to the original and that is basically all I have to say about all Batman movie up until the Dark Knight. The only Batman movie to actually bother keeping true to the comics
story.... Heath ledger truelly went out with a bang from his world class performance as the Joker (best villain ive seen since Fender Tremolo from Cyborg).........

This review is for Warp who is suffering from pigflu at the moment: you will be sorely missed ....

Top Gun
Top Gun(1986)

This movie is very Gay/Camp/Homosexually intended... As action goes it wasn?t that good.. unless your one of those types who thinks action should mean:- sweaty naked men who like slapping each other?s bums with wet towels..

For those who rate this movie because of the jets i would like to add that i have seen better jet stunts in my local air-show....

I even heard stories that Tom Cruise had sex with the director to get hired as Maverick .....

Watchmen
Watchmen(2009)

All Super heroes depicted in comics/movies/ and books are clinically insane. That is only one of countless number of points Allan Moore is making with the Watchmen.... The next time you see Superman think about the split personality disorder (schizo) he presents. Or the Dark Knight with his clear case of obsessive compulsive disorder with major commitment issues. Or Judge Dredd clearly showing the same characteristic traits as pinhead in hell-raiser ..... Allan Moore rocks and to be honest reading his work is way better than the movie...

Moore?s illustrations (e.g. Smiley face images) have deeper meaning than some few hundred page novels i have force fed myself.


You Rock Allan......

A.I. Artificial Intelligence
½

The human condition illustrated in the setting of the 22 century:- be prepared to feel intellectually exhausted... Possibly one of the best Sci-fi stories of all time (yes folk's i mean it) this story attempts to discuss what it takes to be human (or dare i say is humane).. Combining the old folk-stories of old with new-age theosophy ... best way i could decribe this movie would be Pinnochio meets Sci-fi.

Rollerball
Rollerball(1975)
½

This movie reminds me of Maradonna...who stuck his middle finger up at the establishment. The story begins by trying to make u imagine that the year is 2018 and that everything is owned by companies ( infact it is not really that hard to imagine this because everthing everything is already owned by companies)..


Johnathan E the best of the best of the best in the roller ball (the rugby/football on skates) is being forced into retirement by company ceo's... His ex-fiance was whored out to the highest bidder (in this case a business executive)... and Johnnny E ends up with a second-rate concubine.... He is baffled as to why the company is trying to make him rtire,,,,I wont ruin this movie

But the storyline is a MUST SEE. Most of the film does look outdated but the Rollerball tournament itself still looks quite exciting ...

Victory
Victory(1981)
½

Aka Escape to Victory ... This is an creative movie which combined talented footballers of the 80's such as Pele with untalented actors such as Sylvester Stallone. The movie was a very interesting idea.. Since this movie however the blueprints have been hijacked by half-rate footballers such as Vinnie Jnes trying to make a name for themselves in Hollywood ..

The Fifth Element

Aziz Light!!!!. Where is Aziz when you need him that is the question??? This movie is very fun. And I would rate it as possibly one of the best sci-fi movies in both design and comedy value......

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

I always thought i hated Jim Carey. But the more movies I think of the more i start realising how truelly talented this guy is... Count Olaf character was soo insane i couldnt stop laughing (Jim Carey did an awesome job)..This story is the ultimate family adventure..

Weird Science

... Ever dream of inventing your own perfect woman using a Barbie doll and some porn magazine's... Well this movie made this dream a reality... Kelly LeBrock (before fat camp) is the outcome ... creative movie idea which brings me fond childhood memories....

The Mask
The Mask(1994)
½

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSMOKIN'! thats right thiss film was truelly SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSMOKIN'! all the way through to 1997 (until the Austin Powers genre).... I have a soft spot for this movie because of Cameron Diaz..... Oh yeah jim Carey was also in this movie he was ok (). But the real centre stage in this movie was Cameron Diaz did anyone notice how hot she looks in skin tight red... Infact it would be true to say that Cameron Diaz in this movie was the first time i truelly understood what people meant by the term the 'birdz and the beez' .....WoW...... Movie was however nothing more than an adult version of 'who framed Roger Rabbit': 0

Syriana
Syriana(2005)

This is one of the first in the line of movies about the Middle-east (after the declaration of war in iraq)... The only difference between this movie and all the rest is simple... U dont have an over the top hero fighting the over the top villain ... The black and white bullshit normal directors subject the audience to is removed. There is no right answers. Just a seriously mature argument about the law of the Jungle (which we all reside in). I really like this .... : ) TOP NOTCH

Kingpin
Kingpin(1996)
½

This is the first time the Amish are presented in a movie as anything but a sad depressing group of individuals with no lives... And Bill Murray just adds that extra icing on the cake --- This is possibly the funniest movie of 1996.

The Craft
The Craft(1996)
½

The Do it yourself (DIY) guide to the occult.. Teaching little kids (girls in particular) how to forge an allegiance with the Dark Lord. Whatever you would want to no about Voodoo Black Magic all bound together in a commercial present wrapping.

The Village
The Village(2004)
½

The easiest summary to date is as follows .. the story is set in present day.............. I would as such like to say to everybody that the next time you watch the movie to just take the advice of the director Shyamalan himself (in reference to the sign) just ?swing away?....... In particular and most preferably at the screen from which you are watching it from...

Donnie Darko
Donnie Darko(2001)

This film reminded me of 'The Craft' ;- for example whilst ?the Craft; targeted little girls to play with black voodoo magic a bit like a DIY course in it. Similarly Donny Darko opens kids to the idea's of subliminal messaging. I think they call it NLP (Neuro Linguistical Programming) nowadays.. Teaching little boys and girls the ins and outs of brainwashing.

I remember one thing about this film when it was first released --- the hype ( brainwashing months before hand) --- people telling me that every single segment of this film has really important hidden symbols and messages (for example -- the book the teacher read had certain meanings etc etc). Then i watched it ... and to be honest i can think of a few four line poems with deeper meanings than this sad excuse for a film. furthermore if you really want to see clever hidden subliminal messages just watch CNN news or a US presidents speech (these are all much shorter much cleverer and are all free to watch.).

Richard III
Richard III(1995)
½

Gandolph was awesome in this one... Best Shakespeare ADAPTATION of all timeS.... And reminds me yet again why Romeo and Juliet is by far the most over rated shakespear play of all time.... Swivvle on my middle finger Mrs Cooper

Titanic
Titanic(1997)
½

Doesnt Kate Winslet's character feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while she was safe floating on a big door? Couldnt her and leonardo have taken turns, or was she just afraid to freeze her big fat ass off !!!!!! I suppose that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched (in this case a poor drifter), freezing to death, on a stupid boat. while others (the rich) get to float on the freakin Door that could have be shared by both. To conclude this alternative ending would have stopped my dad from crying in front of a bunch of random people... (one of just a few embarassing moments in my life)

The Spirit
The Spirit(2008)

This film is called the spirit but dude's instead i found it really testing my Spirit. I feel nautious just thinking about the ordeal of watching this crap... It is as depressing as the alleged recession :- (which may i add - the banks owners invented as a COVER STORY for stealing our money from the government (yes folkes its our tax money) loaning it back to us with interest and thus bankrupting us so that our small independent family holdings will be taken over for nothing.) However even that first class robbery doesnt come close to me handing my money over to the ticket office for this shit..

Metropolis
Metropolis(1927)
½

This is a class movie made in a era when Europe and American had gone through the first recession which had hit the west in the early twentieth century. Strongly connected with what is oging on today. Morloch is the robotic protagonist in this movie and if you haven?t heard of that name before just look at the corner of a 1 dollar bill. .An amazing classic that describes the future soo eerily to the point that it scares me. ..

Good Morning, Vietnam

This movie is golden and a diamond in the rough. It leaps both generations and boundaries. It deserved an Oscar (it was however just too politically correct for the extreme right to handle). Robin Williams greatest movie to date and my favourite line's in this movie are as follows:-
Lt. Steven Hauk: sir, the former VP (aka Nixon) is a good man and a decent man.
General Taylor: Bullshit! I know Nixon personally. He lugs a trainload of shit behind him that could fertilize the Sinai. Why, I wouldn't buy an apple from the son of a bitch and I consider him a good, close, personal friend.

Signs
Signs(2002)
½

Tell Merill 'Swing away',... wtf do you mean Swing away--- what a cheesy line!!! As i said before I like cheese particularly cheddar cheese.. However this movie was the ultimate cheese.. I never knew someone crushed between a truck and a Massive tree could still be alive,. Couldnt the last words of the impaled mother have been more clear ----for example couldnt she have said - 'Any of you fucking Alien's move, and I'll execute every motherfucking last one of ya with a glass of water or a hose or a super-soaker ! '' -- see the difference already a whole lot clearer and one woudnt have to resort to breaking a perfectly good baseball bat in due process. Good movie and if you didnt notice Shyamalan is the dude that killed the mum ..

The Little Mermaid

I hate this movie because it seduces women away from good honest men (such as myself : ) ). I hate the fact that this movie made girls way too materialistic... I hate the fact that this movie makes it clear to girls to ignore the father figure... I also blame this movie for the bullying I recieved because i smelt like a fish.... If you look at the original video case you will see an image of an erect ding-dong (all of these claims have been confirmed by a strange looking south american evangelist dude off of youtube) how could i ever live up to those expectiations !!!!!!!
(I would like to add a disclaimer-- and state this movie has a wierdly dark and seductive hypnotic powers over me.. So I will give it 60 % because of its magical voodoo hold on me)I HATE YOU DISNEY YOU HAVE ENSLAVED ME

Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour

Miley Cyrus is Disney's human sacrifice - my prediction about Hannah Montana's Bio-pic is as follows (plagiarised off of Britney spears story) - at the age 14 she had sexual relations with the director. By the age 18 she will ahve anorexia issues. aged 20 she will probably have a drug prblem and possible first pregnancy scare,.. age 23 she will get married (to what Disney will present as her highschool sweat heart but will most likely be a gay lap dancer called carlos) age 30 shaves her HAIR off and gets fat,, age 35 dances drunk on stage... We have so much to be excited about - they will build her up just to knock her down - she is this era's human sacrifice for the front-cover of magazines and newspapers .

Dune
Dune(1984)
½

Dune the movie hasn?t got a structured storyline like the book.. It looks all edited and pasted together. Lynch ruined the Movie shouldn?t have made it ... The Freman are trained in martial arts in the book they don?t scream like bitches to fight people (And the characters in the Dune book are similar to the plagiarised Jedi warrior idea's stolen by Lucas).. Lucas had a field day stealing ideas from this book and the crappy Dune movie never could counter Lucas's plagiarised concepts .. The Movie was a shamble's and the book is sooo much better (i heard they are going to make a remake I just hope they keep more to the book.)And put two middle fingers up at Lucas

Assault on Precinct 13

One of the hippest movies to come out from its genre . I would go sofar as to say this is better than all these modern regurgitations . For example regurgitations of this genre movie's would be things as ocean's 11, 12, 13, and most likely 14, 15,16 17, 18, 19, 20 etc etc etc when will this ever end/// ruining such an amazing genre.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace
½

Star Wars was a crappy rip off of Dune (the book)..So I have always been a tad annoyed as to why people haven?t read the more significant, dominating and influential story of this genre. Why George Lucas didn?t make the Dune movie instead of this mutilation of the book is very annoying.. It makes me feel like he made a name for himself off someone else?s script. This particular star wars movie was the biggest con of all... Similar in many ways to the cadbrys Cream egg scandal of 1999... The fact that those creme eggs kept on getting smaller and yet the price kept on getting more excessive. Gives you the kind of idea as to how i felt after watching this crap (Serenity had more action in it).....

Blazing Saddles

Over 35 years has passed since the making of this movie and YET nothing even comes close to it's Genius...This is the funniest movie of all time. and no doubts the funniest movie Mel Brooks has made and been in since the Nutty prof... Must see for anyone who loves comedy movie's ......

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
½

My father and grandfather loved this guy sooo much i use to have to watch Eastwood over and over again..The movie has infact become a family heirloom and it has begun to feel like he is part of my extended family (abit like a god-father). One of his most classic movies ...

Black Narcissus
½

I use to date a girl like sister Ruth... She tried to throw my gameboy out of the window because i gave it too much attention... She was sick.... She left me (the sadistic witch) so i never had to push her off the side of a cliff. But I came close to it on a couple of occasions!!

The Cable Guy

I use to have a TV repair buddy who had many of the similar personality traits as the Cable guy! He still hangs around, drives me from A-B, buys me lunch, gives my suit for dry cleaning... He really comes in handy

Apocalypto
Apocalypto(2006)
½

Mel Gibson has pulled it out of the bag again.. There is no doubt about it Mel Gibson has left a mark in the film industry which will be felt for centuries ahead.... There will be unversity courses assessing Mel Gibsons movies ... The best movie of 2006 no doubts!!!

Black Adder
Black Adder(1983)
½

This is a top notch series with a top notch cast......100 % for originality and revolutionary for its time... In particular season 4 of Black Adder was very delightful.... It makes me sad to say this but nothing has come a long to replace this genre creatively in the last 9 years. Red Dwarf defiantly challenges and Mr Bean was also amazing?but Black-Adder will always be the godfather ....

Road to Perdition

Did Michael Sullivan Snr really exist? The answer is no... however my personal view is why not.?!?!?!. I feel this is the only thing really missing from this movie. Examples of movies ewhere they made real people into on-screen characters -The Godfather has a corlioni family name (emmy winner),,, Schindler's list had nothing in common really with the real schindler (emmy winner)... They even tunred Jesus into a nordic viking in Jesus CHrist super star (emmy winner)... why oh why didnt they just fake it and pretend Michael Sullivan Snr wasbased on a true story.....???????????????

Dead Snow (Død snø)

What do you do if you see a one-legged fascist/Nazi? Laugh and reload! that is pretty much the underlying value of this movie.. I personally felt this made it really fun and I couldn?t stop laughing throughout the entire duration of it.

The Rock
The Rock(1996)

What do you use as transportation off a Rock? a Rocket. What do you call a dog who collects rocks? A Rockhound. What do you call a noisy, cheesy 90's action movie starring Sean Connery and Nicholas Cage? the Rock!!!!!!!! I must admit I am really confused as to why a rogue colonel would go to all these extreme's to give fellow service men a decent burial... . However as action movie's it was pretty good.... one thumb up

The Truman Show
½

Is it me or does anyone else feel like they are Truman? held bakc because of manufactured fears -- lines such as 'to help him we must protect him' or 'Truman prefers his cell' leaps boundaries..... Jim Carey's best movie to date ....

Critters
Critters(1986)

This movie is cheese (cheddar cheese to be more precise)... But seeing as i love cheddar cheese it would be understandable why I would love this movie... Another one of those movie that helped shape my deviant and sometimes unhealthy anti-social behaviour (Or maybe i should blame that on the sweets)... one thumb up........;- )

Bruno
Bruno(2009)
½

Ali G inda house rocked!! Borat ruled my world!!! Bruno on the other-hand was just a regurgitation of both of them. I was a little let down especially when my friend fell asleep half way through the movie and began snoring (which was one of my highlights of the movie). At the end of it all my expectations had been dashed, I feel cohen stole my money with a false promise.. a promise that this movie would be new and fresh.. Instead i felt this movie was just old material.

The Big Lebowski

Ths movie felt like a breath of fresh air ..I never thought Jeff Bridges could be soo funny.. This is an amazing movie which harks back to a genre of comedy which pokes fun at all forms of life but with a good positive message at the end (reminds of Planes Trains and Automobiles etc) . Im also glad this movie exists as i was getting bored of the commercialy re-gurgitated 'jim carey/Jack Ass' style
sketches.

Rome - The Complete Second Season

This ROME series is interesting clever and insighful and every episode is a cliff hanger.. Detailing the socio-political life in Rome... This is possibly the most historically accurate account of life in Rome ever presented on camera... Two huge Thumbs UP

Attila
Attila(2001)

Could you image Adolf Hitler being presented as some type of Hero well this is what Attila is presented like in this very boring drama-- I would like to state that Firstly/ The Roman empire wasnt the great super power in the 4th century..Secondly/ the Western empire was much weaker than its Eastern Roman counterpart Thirdly/ The Parthian's where not defeated and became known as trhe Sassanid's later on Fourthly/ The Sassanids and Eastern Rome had 100 years of peace in the attempt to defeat the hun's and other invaders from the east.. that was what played the vital role of Rome's success. and not a random Wrstern Germanic general who had an american accent (AND why does the decadent corrupt Roman society have such a uniqeuly English tang to it) Finally/ The only description from a second-hand source describing the features of Atilla suggests that he was more Mongol like than Germanic. A very odd variety of messages being sent with this one.... But hey what do you expect from the era of the Anglophone

Heat
Heat(1995)
½

Someone really should have heated up 'heat'...!?!?! I heard that this movie made people become anti-social and i can see why !!!!. Hamlet has more thrills and chills than this movie, however for the sake of 'Taxi-Driver' and the 'God-Father' I have given this movie an 60 %.

True Romance
True Romance(1993)

This is both a movie and a game all wrapped into one:- I creatively refer to this game ias spot the star? Personally I believe Quentin Tarantino used his script-writing role in this movie as the blue-prints for later independent projects (e.g. the Sicilian Mafia scene). In this movie one also find's a step by step guide on how to piss of a Sicilian-- those with a death-wish please feel free to take notes. . I liked this movie but as Quentin Tarantino failed to direct it himself it failed to reach the level of excellence which it was due :-)

Sleepers
Sleepers(1996)
½

How true is this movie that is the question? and what ever happened to Jason Patric??? on hine-sight great movie but if Al-Pacino had played the part of King Benny this film would have made heat seem luke warm (this all-star cast movie is in the same league as true romance)

Dead Alive
Dead Alive(1993)
½

If this horror movie was a wine it would be best described as the Blossom Hill Rose. A childlike bubble gum flavoured rollercoaster ride, which will pen-ultimately have an unpleasant physiological effect on your state of mind. Must See for anybody who loves horror--- P.S. Does anyone have any idea where i can find the uncut version????

Menace II Society

This film shows the dire, morbid, and intolerable depths to which the son's and daughter's of the Aztec's, Egyptian's, Ethiopian's (and so many other de-franchised cultures) have been humiliatingly degraded too.

300
300(2007)

It is clear to me that 300 (the book and the movie) was a well-funded product of hate. I get annoyed when fascists start rearranging the history of man-kind in such a militant fashion. Best comparison in movie history would be the Birth of a Nation (1915) ..

Big Trouble in Little China
½

We the proletariat must execute an up-rising for the development of a sequel ( Big Trouble in Little China 2). I besiege you comrade's the developent of this movie will boost Anglo-Chinese relations, solve world hunger and ultimately establish world peace. . Viva la secuela

Capricorn One
½

In my shortest review to date -- this film was Inspired by the Moon Landing -- infact I heard Nasa recently sued for copyrights

Young Guns
Young Guns(1988)
½

The 'Breakfast Club' meets 'the Good the Bad and the Ugly'!?! May seem like a weird concoction but for some reason it works. I must state however I am deeply biased as this was (and still is) one of those films which harks back to my naive childhood.

The Proposal
The Proposal(2009)

Why this movie is evil within four points?!! 1/ Seeing the trailer automatically meant i knew the ending. 2/ This movie is as romantic as basket case (a budget horror movie). 3/ The character played by Sandra Bullock is loosely based upon a Dominatrix who crushes men with her pro-feminist thigh's... 4/ In my opinion a wedding between Bullocks character and the new age de-masculinated, metro-sexual man is another divorce case waiting to happen . To conclude this movie wasfinanced by a secret society of divorce lawyers :- [

America 101
America 101(2005)

I would like to begin by stating that Kiarostami was the dude of Iranian childhood cinema - i would in fact refer to him as 'the one man Sesame Street of Iran' - I am however very sorry to say that this documentary is just long winded i.e. sticking a camera in a car and recording people can be as interesting as watching paint dry. Kiarostami if you ever come across this review take your sun-shades off and read my words -- This documentary made me cringe -- it?s not that I don?t understand what you are attempting to portray about Iranian society, even though i find you quite condescending, but instead it?s just the case that you lost my interest. I admit i have a short attention span, however, theoretically you could have cut and edited the best bits out this documentary and made it into a 10 minute you-tube video. This is nothing more than a final year university project. If I was a smeg-head college professor I would have given you an A++++.. Sadly however I am nothing more than a mere plebeian and have made the decision to gauge out my eyes...

Brotherhood of the Wolf

This film classfully turns Renaissance France into the scene for a horror SLASH Kungfu thriller. Two of my favourite genre's of film integrated into my favourite era of history. The Gypsy mercenaries and the fearmongering doomsaying secret society will drive those modern day conspiracy theorists insane .... To top it all off Monica Belluci gets naked.... Ill give this film a thumbs up ((142 minutes worth of foreign subtitles worth reading)) :-)