Jack's Review of Transformers: Dark of the Moon
I hope your childhood was enriched enough that you can recall Goku shouting to Frieza "I don't get it! I'm trying to help you!" even as Frieza was actively trying to kill him. because that scene perfectly embodies the relationship between Michael Bay and critics everywhere.
That said, Bay decided to use my weakness of always wanting to finish a movie series against me to demonstrate how truly awful movies can be. Normally I'd try to cleverly work in the plot from the movie to make it sound like I have the same battle with the director as Optimus Prime or Shia LaBeouf has with the antagonist of that particular 20-40 minutes of the movie, however this plot is so convoluted and dialogue so forgetful that even if I can manage it, it's just not worth it.
Let's look at the last movie. For some reason, it was hailed by many melodramatic viewers as "the worst movie ever". It's not, even when it came out it couldn't hold a candle to "Dragonball: Evolution" or "Plan 9 from Outer Space". Fortunately those voices are unquestionably silenced by this film.
The most obvious change is that Meagan Fox came down with a case of vanishing girlfriend syndrome sometime after the last movie and has been replaced with a less exotic-looking blonde that will likely be easier to replace if she asks for too much money or worse, dignity. This wouldn't bother me if it weren't for the fact she's the worst love interest in fiction since Helen of Troy. The second anything dangerous happens and I mean ANYTHING her first response is to kind of break up and run away from Sam. I'm sure Bay wanted her to be French in the original script. Of course she comes around eventually, it only took the entire planet being raided so now she, oh wait she still doesn't do anything besides scream, cry and making other noises Bay doesn't fully understand due to them not being explosions.
While we're still on the subject of the characters in Sam's personal life, can we quit bringing in his parents?! We get it, they're supposed to be the dad from American Pie but it's just not funny. I think I speak for the majority of audiences when I say we're tired of seeing them, they fail to provide the comic relief they're trying to and it drags on scenes in a way that doesn't add anything of value. It just feels like listening to your own relative that will never shut up and you can't un-pause your movie until they finish.
Also, without giving away much, a nameless, almost irrelevant character commits suicide in a very visible fashion and when the execs of a company immediately encourage people to just ignore it and ensure them staring won't bring him back, how are we supposed to feel surprised when they turn out to be back-stabbers (sorry, but I don't feel the need to call spoiler alert if the movie doesn't)
Normally the action sequences can be praised in Bay films but I don't think that was the case this time because visually, it was just a mess. I had no idea who was an autobot or decepticon. There was one sequence where 4 decepticons were fighting and I couldn't figure out why until they clarified in the dialogue that 2 of them were, in fact autobots. There's some double-crossing involved as well and OH NO! He killed....um...the guy with the metal...and wheels...he was kind of grayish...Man, I had gotten so attached to that character. Of course the Leadership Matrix from the last movie is still around. Why they can't use it to revive him? Maybe it only works on the leaders, I really don't know.
Early in the movie the Autobots need to head to the moon, they do so but I don't know how as I only recall a select few Transformers could fly, most of them being Decepticons. Towards the end they need to leave Earth but for whatever reason they need a spaceship to assist in this voyage, not only a spaceship but one of their own design, which was about twice as large as the shuttle attached to its back....wait, what? Why didn't they need that earlier and how would it help anyways? Shuttles can't leave orbit, Bay should know that after the scientific backlash from Armageddon. My guess is somebody at NASA was the star of an episode of Hoarders that week so he just tacked that onto the Transformer ship to show he was no longer attached to the shuttle he kept in his garage.
What's worse, is for a few glorious moments before the climax I saw potential. A great potential, in fact, to make the movie about something more than fighting alien robots and shift the series into something far more sophisticated than it ever had been bef-and it's gone...
Still I can't give it a 0, there are a few redeeming qualities: Throughout the movie I couldn't get the Ben Franklin "Deserves neither" quote out of my head so if that was intentionally the movie's theme it did a decent job at getting it across and the Russian bar scene was actually intentionally funny but even if I scraped together all the enjoyability of this movie and put it into a shotglass, not only would that shotglass be far from full but it would be stretching it to say that justified a 60 minute runtime, much less 2.5 hours worth.