Any professional movie critic who is giving Charlie Countryman a positive review must have been paid off by someone. This movie appears to have been written by a 13-year old boy who just took his first hit of ecstasy after learning about Romania in social studies class that day at school. The movie contains one inexplicable move after another.
Shia LaBeouf plays the title character, Charlie. Charlie's mother dies in the beginning of the movie and magical fairy dust leaves her body and floats in the air. What? Then, Charlie exits the hospital room and, of course, his mother is waiting for him there and randomly tells him to go to Bucharest. What?! Why Bucharest? Nobody knows.... other than it's a cheap place to shoot a movie and it sounds like Budapest. Since Charlie has no commitments that week other than his mother's funeral, he promptly boards a plane to Bucharest. Charlie is sitting on the plane next to a stranger who keeps annoyingly falling asleep on Charlie's shoulder. Wait. Okay, I can relate to that. I've been on a plane before and that sometimes happens. Next, the stranger starts a conversation with Charlie and talks about how he is going to visit his daughter. Okay, it's getting more realistic. I can buy that. It's a long flight and they're making smalltalk.
Then, the stranger dies right there on the plane and before the plane lands, his dead body wakes up and tells Charlie to give his daughter a gift that he bought for her. Oh come on, man! Really? Are we back to inexplicable nonsense already? I guess so. The paramedics at the airport in Bucharest allow Charlie to take the dead man's belongings because if someone dies next to you on a plane, you are entitled to all of his possessions as per Romanian law. Enter Gabi (Evan Rachel Wood), who is disguised as a gothic raccoon. She is crying in the airport lounge and Charlie quickly makes her as the dead man's daughter. He gives her the gift and BAM! He knows that she is his soulmate and he loves her, despite her outrageously fake Romanian accent. If only there were people with authentic Romanian accents living in Romania- then perhaps the director would've noticed that Gabi sounds more like a Russian bond villain than a Romanian twenty something.
I feel like now is as good of a time as any to mention that Shia LaBeouf said that he dropped acid in order to prepare for this movie and director Fredrik Bond said that "it really wasn't necessary."
Moving on, Charlie and Gabi begin a cat-and-mouse type of romance despite the fact that she is dating a murderous Romanian gangster named Nigel, played by Mads Mikkelsen. If you're thinking, "Nigel is not a Romanian name" right now, you are correct. Nigel meets Charlie at the opera house where Gabi performs and is instantly suspicious of Charlie. Next, Charlie seeks boarding at a hostel where he meets two young Brits, one of whom is played by Rupert Grint. Fate strikes Charlie once again as the three are instantaneously transformed into best friends forever. The Brits share a variety of drugs and drug-fueled experiences with Charlie that usually end with Charlie wandering aimlessly around Bucharest while loud techno music is being played.
Later, Nigel catches wind that Charlie is having sex with Gabi, and this displeases him. Nigel has one of his henchmen send a message to Charlie in an office at a nightclub, where important meetings like this occur.
I'm going to skip to the end here because: (a) I think you get the point, and (b) I'm bordering on the suicidal just typing out this insane nonsense and I just have too much to live for.
Nigel catches Charlie. Nigel arranges Charlie's murder, but love conquers all, so the murder plans go awry. Cops shoot Nigel in the head because Gabi was meant to be with Charlie since Charlie's dead mother rose from the dead to randomly tell him to go to Bucharest and he accepted the challenge. Also, the dead guy on the plane.
I'd give this movie an "F" but I've read failing papers better than this. Charlie Countryman gives the word "fail" a bad name.
Written by Oliver D. November 15, 2013.