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Rating History

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 1
6 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

I loved it. They stuck to the book, even when it was slow it was slow for a reason.

Predators
Predators (2010)
6 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes
½

reviewing this film is like trying to make overcooked chicken not taste like shit: it's a challenge, and in the end you're still left with a rubbery piece of shit.

so, do you like the original predator movie? if so, you'll semi-enjoy this movie. i say semi-enjoy because it's pretty much the same thing; it doesn't have arnold in it though, that's a bit of a setback. instead, it stars a man by the name of adrien brody. you may know him from such films as the pianist. what's that you say, he can play a piano and fight aliens? no, he can't, i don't know what he's doing there. in the film.

there wasn't a lot of fighting in predators, which upset me. there is one noteworthy battle that involves a samurai sword. i suggest you just rent the movie when it comes to DVD and skip to that part.

also, and this is important, there's an appearance by an old friend, who may or may not have been in the matrix. he's crazy now, i guess being in the matrix does that to people. i mean, if he's from the matrix. which he may not be.

this film gets a 2/7. i wouldn't watch it again, but i won't say i didn't enjoy it the first time. it's just bland.

http://suckfail.wordpress.com/2010/07/16/predators/

The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day
6 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

i really liked the first boondock saints film. it came out of nowhere and punched me right in my irish spot. shortly thereafter i had an obsession for leprechauns that turned into cravings for midget porn, but i won't go into detail about that. i mean, anymore than i just did.

the boondock saints ii has a lot of what made the first one great: fun dialog between the brothers, randomness that leads to success in battle, an extra vigilente member, unique style, and of course, guns. god is in there too, directing the death. the fights also have the same progression as the first movie: you see the aftermath first, and then what happened after.

so why didn't i like the boondock saints ii very much? probably because it was the exact same fucking movie as the first. but, less original, since i had already seen it once. i mean, come on guys, i know you found a winning formula, but can you at least look like you're trying to make something new?

the boondock saints ii also lacks an ending. ya, maybe that spoiled it for you. i don't care. it has no ending, they're making a third one. or, ARE THEY? i don't care anymore.

i give it 4/7. but most of those points are because i liked the first one.

http://suckfail.wordpress.com/2010/07/16/boondock-saints-ii/

Ninja Assassin
7 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

i went into ninja assassin with low expectations. it didn't disappoint. i feel like a kid at christmas here: santa has delivered a big bag of shit and i'm about to jump around in that shit and get it all over me, because this is exactly what i asked for.

where should i start? first of all the fight scenes, which should have been the one redeeming factor, are absolutely filled with blurry CG. is that really the best they can do in this day and age? i don't think it is. second, the lines that the protagonist (raizo) deliver in this film are deep and well thought out. both of them. i'm going to spoil what they are: "wait here" and "go. go fast."

a lot of the fights in ninja assassin remind me of playing ninja gaiden. at some point in the plot the ninja's get angry with raizo. don't worry about the reason for the anger, it's not important. so there's a hundred ninjas, all ready to kill our favorite mute. and what is their plan? they send the ninjas in, one at a time. good plan boys, if the first 57 ninjas didn't get raizo, i' m sure the 58th will. you're probably wondering what all the other ninjas were doing while their brethren were taking on raizo one at a time. i'll tell you, because i paused and looked: they were dancing. they're not throwing ninja stars, they're not running to the fight; they're just dancing. maybe that's how ninjas warm up before fighting, i don't know. personally, i think they were getting in a bit of practice for DDR.

one of the main fights in ninja assassin occurs when a 4-lane street is overtaken by ninjas. can you imagine? cars are running into these trained assassins while trying to swerve around them. the ninjas are just everywhere, beating the shit out of each other. it's like ninja frogger. you might wonder: why do the cars continue to come down that road while a goddamn ninja armageddon has broken out? you'd think someone would have blocked off the road at that point. but no, the only reaction is to honk. i pictured a married couple, in their car: "so honey, how about those melon- oh christ. not again. fucking ninja war. GET OFF THE STREET! i'm trying to get to the grocery store. every tuesday night, i swear to god. well i'm just going to run you over and honk." i wish people really drove like this. i'd get to work a solid 20 minutes faster.

there was some redeeming qualities in this film. do you know what ninja's can't avoid? missiles. it's the battle i've always wanted to see: missile launcher vs ninja. as well, although the fights are cheesy and CG'd in an awful way, there's a lot of them. it's like a chinese dinner buffet: quality over quality. i was also pleasantly surprised by the ninja's sword fighting technique; i expected a lot of sword play, sword on sword. no, no that's not the ninja way. the ninja way is to use your body to block the sword, like a man. usually a sword blow to the chest is fatal, but no, not in this movie. it's not a problem.

i give this heap of shit a 1/7.

http://suckfail.wordpress.com/2010/03/13/ninja-assassin/

Daybreakers
Daybreakers (2010)
7 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes
½

my day was broken when i watched this film. it was broken into two halves: the half where i was happy, and the half where i wished i hadn't watched this film. i know vampires are in these days; i know they're like sex, to women. they see these denizens of the night and their pointy teeth and think "i'd love those teeth. in my mouth." well this film didn't have that type of vampire. it had the type that aren't attractive, the type that turn into disgusting half-human bats. nobody wants that in their mouth.

the whole affair was kind of my fault. i went into this film after someone claimed they loved it, that they had seen it more than once. my expectations were high; like the day i was allowed to pet a rabbit. i looked forward to that day, for many months. when the fateful day came, the rabbit bit me and ran away. i didn't feel good after that either.

the gore was overused in daybreakers. i'm sure it was put there for comedic purposes, i was definitely laughing at it. but it was there to just be "there." the story was thin, predictable. it's like the writers had a premise, but they didn't know what to do with it. there was no definitive arch, just a bunch of stuff that happened. there wasn't even a discernible ending.

i give this movie a 2/7. in some of the scenes, there was an atmosphere created that i enjoyed. but that didn't make up for the other 80 minutes of awful.

http://suckfail.wordpress.com/2010/03/03/daybreakers/