HNIC's Profile - Rotten Tomatoes

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Rating History

Red (2010)
6 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

Old people are naturally funny. The "I put that SHIT on everything" granny, and Betty White doing anything, is comedy gold. So Hollywood asked itself, "What could be funnier than a bunch of dinosaurs running around killing people? It worked for Jurassic Park! Get me John Malkovich right now!" And so Red was born.

These old farts fight, shoot and blow up their way to the top of America's corrupt government, just to find out who wants them all dead. Of course they are retired CIA super-agents, which allows them to be almost invincible and pick up young hotties like that chick from Weeds. Really it's the same old "assemble a badass team and fight through a million bad guys" formula, but with actors that are even older than LOLCats.

Red can be crowned the best bald Bruce Willis movie.

Splice (2010)
7 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

All right stop collaborate and listen
Splice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
They made me a clone daily and nightly
Am I a human? yo I don't know
Tie me up in a barn and I'll grow
To the extreme like a creature from Flinstones
Light up Adrien Brody's ass like January Jones
Sarah Polley go rush to the creature that booms
I'll kill all your brains like a poisonous mushroom
Deadly! When I change from female to male
Everybody check this out, I gotta fuckin tail!
Love it or leave it you better feed yo Splice
You gonna play God this kid don't play nice
If there was a problem, yo I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it!

Splice Splice Baby... Splice Splice Baby....

Black Swan
Black Swan (2010)
7 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

The bottom line is, Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman get it on! Now you have all the reason you need to watch this scary ass movie. Who knew that ballets have mad monsters and psychos and shit like that? I always thought ballet was for elitist white people, like BMWs, frisbees and ugly sweaters, but pretty much everyone enjoys monsters and psychos.

Natalie P is Nina, the LeBron James of ballet, a talented superstar with severe mental delusions! Nina sees crazy shit and does crazy shit, but everyone just keeps telling her, "It's ok Lebron, you the King! You'll win that ring with Wade and Bosh." But instead Lebron has sex with Wade and Bosh stabs himself in the face! Only then does Nina/Lebron finally understand why everyone is against her/him...

Because everybody likes the White Swan and hates the Black Swan!

True Grit
True Grit (2010)
7 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

In that part of America where the railroad ends, called the wild west, a little girl searches around a town for some kind of badass who can help her find her daddy's killer. The biggest badass in town is named Rooster, an old marshal who would rather shoot a criminal than arrest him, just like the LAPD. Little girl and Rooster are joined by the retired Jason Bourne because he also wants to catch the same outlaw. Together the three of them learn about True Grit and snakes and who can shoot better, and eventually they even manage to locate the murderer.

I think the moral of the story is, if you have too much Grit, you will just be arguing amongst yourselves all the time.