I was hopeful. While the first Transformers movie was watchable, and a decent enough film, the second in the series was so god damn awful I don't even want to talk about it...The third movie, Dark of the Moon, lies somewhere in between the two. Having some parts being bearable and an almost(emphasis on almost) fun watch, while too many parts are being incredibly cliche, uninteresting, embarrassing, and plain frustrating. The best part about this sequel? Michael Bay decided to remove the racist, obnoxious twins. The worst part? Mainly the rest of the movie.
Heres my understanding of the story: (warning, this is a very....weak interpretation of the story, but could still be considered a spoiler.)
Lame Backstory. ASS ASS ASS. Unfunny parents join in. Job search for Sam Witwicky. ASS. Job obtained! Mail boy in the office :). JUVENILE HUMOR. MORE ASS. They learn about these pillars contained in this giant ship called THE ARK(cliche ship/city name) that can save Cybertronians(Yes, that is the actual name) that crashed on the moon, and this mega Prime that trained Optimus. EVEN MORE ASS. Patrick Dempsey is a douche in this movie, and really likes ASS. One of Sam Witwickys new co workers Jerry Wang(Ken Jeong). (PAUSE: Yes thats exactly what this bloody movie needed, KEN JEONG. RESUME.) Anyway, Ken tries to warn Sam about "the dark side of the moon" all while trying to be humorous, then he.. *SPOILER* ......dies. Everybody realizes these pillars could bring an invasion to earth. GASP....THEN MORE ASS. THEN EXPLOSIONS. Decepticons invade earth. Then you have an hour long EXPLOSION BATTLE YEAHHHHH!. Full of SLOW MOTION. Afterwards you get a SLOW MOTION ASS YES! Then an abrupt ending. Wooo.
If the capitalization was annoying, well, thats how I felt watching this movie.
So yeah, there you have it. If you hated the first two movies, this one will definitely not change your mind.
Let me start with the acting. Which is pretty mediocre. Shia LaBeouuooffo really bugs me. He just rubs me the wrong way. Not a big fan. He does his usual shouting, stuttering, and other silly antics, and mainly ends up being ok. Just....ok. Speaking of ok, thats about all I have to say about the rest of the supporting cast. Little has changed in terms of acting from the previous film. John Malkovitch joins the cast, and while I do like him, the unfunny script unfortunately holds him back from being anything special.
Now...Rosie Huntington. Now, if there is one thing Bay did right besides te special effects, its casting Rosie. Rosie is actually quite good in her role, definitely step up from Megan Fox, and dare I say...even a bit charming? She will by no means win greatest actor who ever lived award, but she was a surprise gem in this mostly piece of shit movie. However, there is one hilarious scene that has her just staring off thinking about something, probably about how much money she will make doing this movie, while shit is flying off behind her in slow motion. I laughed.
The films jarring shift in tones was also unbelievable annoying. You have a man killed by a small decepticon by being pushed out of his office window, play it off like a joke by having him make a funny sound, then have a character wave it off and claim "He was suicidal anyway" ehhh? A dude just died and you're telling everybody to look the other way? That isn't funny, it's just stupid. Also during the "epic" fight scene, my buddy just fell out of a bajillion story tall building, but I'm still going to crack jokes 5 minutes later. Since it took about 10 minutes for him to fall, he heard the silly joking going on and yelled a fat "fuck you" right before squishing into the pavement. The movie is too silly is what I'm getting at to be taken serious.
The movie is also oddly put together. Some scenes literally zoom by in seconds, and mostly end in a terrible attempt at humor. So I am about halfway through the next scene until i finally realize "oh, haha he tried to make me laugh earlier....lame". Its as if Bay wanted to cram as much shit into this movie to fill up its incredibly long TWO AND A HALF HOUR running time. The movie just goes by too quickly, too eager to get you to some ass, explosions, D bags, or horrible attempts at humor.
Yes the incredibly immature humor is back. No, it's not as bad as Revenge of the Fallen, but it's still pretty bad. Yes it has the mom making a comment about her sons cock, as well as John Turturro returning as the comic relief guy (Seems like everybody is a comic relief in this movie) and he is just as unfunny as he was in the previous film. There are also some questionable robots, like the two smaller ones who comment on how hott Sams girlfriend is. Sigh. Nobody is as bad as the two twins though....*shutters*. As mentioned, Ken is in this film, and yes his last name is WANG. HA HA funny funny. He is unfortunately type cast as an odd over the top asian guy who has plenty of penis jokes up his sleeve. Maybe its a sign that I am maturing, but I don't find two guys leaving the same stall, one with his pants down, being caught by somebody else in the bathroom funny. "Oh hey ha ha it's not what it looks like, I had to get something i was keeping in my pants to show my friend here in private and-.....alright we fucked". LOL only kidding only kidding....about the last part.
I also had a few problems with the story. At one point, King D Bag Dempsey slaps a Decepticon Watch on Sams wrist, and commands him to walk around and get as much information on it as possible, as well as make sure to watch the Autobots leave Earth. While it is on his wrist, it seems to cause him great pain, as well as force him to do whatever you would want. So after they get what they want, the bot just slips off his wrist and peaces out. What? Why? Why not keep it on him to keep him in your control longer? Or better yet, why not have shot Sam in the face while you had him, and have the little watch robot view the Autobots leaving from a distance? Oh right, because our awesome lead would be dead. At least it was coherent enough unlike Fallen... >:/. The ending, like I metioned, was incredibly abrupt. Its as if in the Dark Knight, after Harvey died, and batman and Gordon were reunited, Gordon looked at Batman, smiled, and said "Thank you" and then the movie went to black. I understand this movie is not supposed to spawn sequels, but COME ONE. At least let us see them have a party or something. The movie literally ends 15 seconds after the main villain is destroyed.
One of the characters shouts out "Why do the Decepticons get all the good shit?" during battle, after scoffing at how cheese filled that is, it made me think. Why is that? Why can't the good guys ever have an extremely large and powerful Autobot? To make them more of an underdog? oh ok cool. Lets continue.
Come on Bay, you don't run a race by casually walking the first couple of laps, then realization kicks in and you start sprinting like mad to finish, even though the rest of the competition have already crossed the finish line like Terminator 2, The Matrix, and the Star Wars series. But instead of racers you have your audience, someone like me. And instead of sprinting like mad, i'm actually sleeping by the time the heavy finale kicks in. Then explosions are going on for about the last hour non-stop, and I am beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed really.
There was one scene however that i actually enjoyed. The scene im pretty sure all of you have seen in the trailer, with the giant twisty worm like Decepticon grinding through that extremely tall building I mentioned earlier, and our heroes are attempting to escape said building alive. I would even go as far as to say that whole scene was exhilarating, but was shortly ended and I had to return to robot fighting. Call me a downer, call me a pessimist, but the fight scenes werent all that engaging. And it also doesnt help that when an Autobot dies, I feel no need to sympathize over it. Besides Optimus, who I can tell is Optimus because of his familiar voice and bright pretty red and blue paint, I don't know who the fuck is who. Who just died?!?! What?!! Why should I care?! Maybe it's just my lack of knowledge on the robots, but I definitely had troubling tell who was who. Oh, I am sure this robot fighting will be much better than the robot fighting in that Rock em Sock em film adaption Real Steel. Maybe it is just me, but that movie looks incredibly awful.
The music sound oddly familiar. And by familiar, I mean Hans Zimmerish. Yes the music was epic enough, but I swear several pieces were stolen directly out of the Dark Knight and Inception and slightly altered and placed in here. Steve Joblonksy(wtf?) did the music, and this is the first time I have heard of him. Although i will not bash him, because I also found out he is doing the music for Gears of War 3. Please don't screw that up :D
The special effects are its high points. It has some extremely impressive visuals, especially the beginning when it shows the war between the robots, as well as down in good ol Chicago for the big epic finale. Some very pretty stuff.
If you couldn't tell, I don't really like the transformers movies. The film series is mostly shit, but do have some minor redeeming qualities that seem to try and squeeze their way out of the shit, but mostly fail. They all had potential.
Side note, I love the Latest User Reviews For This Movie on the right as I write this. They're all 100% and are all two sentences long that go like this: F*** Critics THIS WAS AMAZING MOVIE! FUNNEST AND COOLEST MOVIE EVARR!!! This brings up another point: The fact that I dislike these movies is made even worse with almost every single person I know liking them. Some even loving them. Did we watch the same movie? How!?! Sigh, I know we all have our different' opinions, so I'll shut it.
So, I would probably rate the first a 50%, earning an almost fresh review. The second earning a lousy 10, and this ending up with a 30. All in all a rather rotten series in my opinion. Maybe you will enjoy it more than I did.