Porkenstein's Movie Ratings - Rotten Tomatoes

Movie Ratings and Reviews

Sherlock Holmes

Robert Downey Jr. portrays an interestingly eccentric Sherlock Holmes in a way which is more true to the original literary version than most other popular depictions of the detective. The movie itself is a puzzling, action-packed adventure with interesting twists that never takes the awful Brothers Grimm-sort of turn wich I was deathly afraid it would. I say that this is one of the few series-setter-upper movies that I'm excited to see more of.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

I'm a gamer, so this whole movie was an eye-popping roller-coaster suited perfectly to my sense of humor.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2

I'm not sure if the 97 percent critic review is warranted (I gave it 100 because it did the series justice enough to be considered perfect by me, at least), but it's a good movie by all accounts.

The effects are great, as are the action and cinematography. They could have had more closure for some of the characters, especially after the huge battle, but the wrap-up is nice and brief (no offense, Return of the King). Additionally, the emotional impact of this film is far greater and more genuine than that of any of the others in the series. It's a must-see for potter fans, and a DON'T-SEE for anyone who hasn't seen all 7 other films.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Not only a great movie and a wonderful use of a big budget, but a revolution in filmmaking the scale of which comes only once in a decade. Unfortunately, this was also one of the last epics which used the rule "less is more" when it came to visual effects. And by that I mean the idea to only use CGI when absolutely necessary. Jackson pulled it off beautifully with prosthetics, composite shots, amazing locations and "bigatures" for an audience which has come to accept CG brainblasting.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

This movie is great for what it is. The source material is a children's book, so of course the adventure presented in the film is over-the-top, to say the least. If you're willing to drop all tonal expectations and have some honest fun, it's a spectacular movie. If you're hoping for another Lord of the Rings, you'll find yourself very disappointed.


This is not a remake. It's an entirely different adaptation of the source material.... calling this a "remake" is like calling 2011's Captain America a remake.

This movie is grim, gritty, and extremely atmospheric, while remaining fun and high-energy. I'm praying for a sequel.

Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat

This is not Dr. Seuss'!

It should never have been made. That's all there is I can really say. Don't let kids watch this movie-- it will defile their childhood (by the way, there were waay too many dirty jokes, which shocked rather than related to the adult audiences as intended). Meyers is always at least a little funny, and the design and effects hint at some effort at bringing Seuss's world to life. Still, it's a stretch to call these redeeming factors.

The Man with the Golden Gun

I really like Christopher Lee. Contender for the best bond villain ever, I think


This film is not only entertaining to a nearly incomprehensible degree; it's also fluid, well developed, and does incredible justice to its source material.

I would put this is in the ranks of Iron Man and The Dark Knight... but for perfection rather than unconventionality. It isn't simplistically artsy, nor is it dark and gritty. It's a very fun movie, and it needs to be seen as the film it is, within the Marvel universe. That's why there are so many in-references and dependencies on other story lines. This film was almost exactly like a Marvel comic book.

Quantum of Solace

This movie is good in the exact opposite way Casino Royale was good. Casino Royale was high-stakes tension, while Quantum of Solace is full of heart-pounding action. The plot is solid, and Craig's bond is still far above your average action hero.

People just need to quit comparing this to Casino Royale and see this for the movie it is-- a continuation in the story with a whole different feel... whether that's for good or for bad.


Moody, gripping, and exciting. It's my favorite film from 2011. I haven't seen many movies that are able to combine style with brutality in such an effective manner.

Undercover Brother

Even after ten years, I still remember a lot of the gags from this film. Very over the top and funny, although somewhat tiresome as the movie goes on.

Beautiful Wave

I ended up watching this somehow... it started out horrible, but progressed into a fairly dark story with an emotional ending. It has a low budget charm to it. And Lance Henriksen. I really wasn't expecting that...

The Expendables 2

I couldn't stop laughing. I don't remember the last time I had this much fun at a film, other than perhaps The Avengers.

The Expendables 2 is a mile better than its predecessor, patching nearly all of Expendable 1's noteable flaws. It's self-aware and funny, over-the-top, creatively violent, and has cameos which extend into starring roles. I'm pumped for number three.

The Amazing Spider-Man

They pulled off the Spider-Man from the comics perfectly.

I was afraid, from the trailers, that they'd made my favorite character from the comics, Curt Connors, into the one-dimensional villain from The Incredible Hulk... Fortunately, I was wrong. He, along with virtually every single character in this film, has what the previous trilogy's characters all lacked: Depth.

V for Vendetta

In short, I loved the changes they made to the book's setting, but not at all the changes they made to the book's characters. As a film by itself, it's a good story with spectacular action ripped right from The Matrix.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

I really liked it... it was a lot of good vaguely-historical fun. I have to admit, however, that they took much of the detective out of Holmes to the point where the final showdown's blathering of strategic mastery felt almost out of place. Still, Downey, Jr. and Jude Law are so good at their respective roles together that I'm excited for more.

The Godfather, Part III

I'm a sucker for sad endings, so this movie seemed to be a dramatic, worthwhile conclusion that gave Michael his comeuppance for decades of risking and neglecting his family in the dangerous world of crime. Nowhere in the league of the first two classics, but grossly underrated and a fine conclusion to the series.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

While it's not a terrific or remotely well-paced film, the characters and setting are believable and the whole film a lot of fun. I'm so glad that they played it straight.

The Incredible Hulk

Pales in comparison to Iron Man, but this is the best a movie about a nerd who turns into a giant, green, invincible, radioactive monster could possibly be. It nails the comic's potential for story, charecters, and action right on the head.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

I watched the Plinkett reviews. I'm changing all of my prequel ratings, consequently, to 0%. These movies didn't just ruin everyone's memories of the first series... they warped future viewers' perceptions of it beyond repair.

Conan the Barbarian

While the movie may have aged considerably, it's still an undeniably solid flick. I honestly have found myself laughing at the cheesy effects, clichés, ect., but the brutal, gripping, realistic action remains a strong part of the movie. The weird 80's fantasy/adventure cinematography holds together this enjoyably over-the-top movie well.

The Lord of the Rings

The animation and new, stylized methods were revolutionary and atmospherically effective, but Bakshi butchered Tolkien's storyline and added too much strange, incoherent nonesense for the film to be taken seriously-- although he desperately tried to make it a grim epic. I'd say it was a decent animated film for its era and genre and a valiant effort at trying to bring Middle-Earth to life... although I'd consider the bold attempt a failure.

My view is most likely corrupted, however. I'm a Tolkien puritan and know-it-all and Bakshi's clumsy cartoon pales in comparison to Peter Jackson's legenary, fan-faithful trilogy. I now watch the 1978 Lord of the Rings mostly to laugh at the various ridiculous animations strung throughout the film.

Batman Returns

I don't quite understand why this movie is so praised-- this must just be a personal annoyance, but I cannot take the penguin seriously. He's a mutant midget that runs for mayor and wears brown-stained pajamas throughout half of the movie. Sure, Burtin did a fine job with the story and atmosphere, but I have a hard time taking an army of penguins with rocket launchers on their backs seriously.

Stephen King's It

As a miniseries or movie, It doesn't quite deserve a 20 percent... but if you've read the spectacular book, then you can probably feel my pain.

Just about all of the used images, analogies, anecdotes, characters, and concepts from Stephen King's masterpiece were simplified until they were so butchered that they were only recognizable through a painful realization of their misuse.

I give it the twenty because of Tim Curry's amazing performance as Pennywise.

Paranormal Activity 3

Okay, act 1 and 2 seemed like mash-ups of the styles from the first two films, but act 3 was just awful.

The story was a bit interesting until the big, stupid reveal at the end, and the swiveling camera gag was pretty suspenseful. Some new things they try, like making the demon a central character, also work, but they jump the shark a couple of times, and several times in the end sequence.

This film ruined the threatening nature of the antagonist for me, and undoubtedly ruined this series' subject dignity.


Misery is possibly the only Stephen King horror novel adaptation which attempts to both recreate the story and tone with absolute success.

The Shining
The Shining(1980)

Kubrick did the perfect thing with a Stephen King book that no other director has ever been able to do-- he took King's literary creepiness and translated it into his own style to make it work on screen.


As a whole, I didn't feel that the film had a very solid structure to it, or even much of a dramatic buildup, but the acting is good and certain scenes are powerfully effective. I felt interested in the characters and story, even if I wasn't very satisfied at the film's conclusion.

Iron Man 2
Iron Man 2(2010)

The first Iron Man was the perfect superhero movie-- full of action, convincing plot elements, amazing effects, and fantastic comic book action. I would say that only the Dark Knight was better.

And so, with this thought, all Marvel geeks (such as myself) went to see the long-anticipated sequel. I would say that it didn't live up to the hype, but the inflated expectations certainly lowered people's thoughts on the film. This was a great superhero movie, by all accounts, but certainly nowhere near the first. The plotlines were far less coherent, and the suspense and action were, frankly, not as interesting.

Homeward Bound - The Incredible Journey

This was a childhood favorite of mine. I was obsessed with this movie for a while, and because of it thoroughly enjoyed any other talking animal movies, including Napoleon and the original film.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 1

Despite the fact that it's grim and gritty, and nothing like the other movies, it acheives the same thing as the book by creating the introduction to an ending which ties together the whole story, leaving no question unanswered. I already feel fulfilled just from seeing this first part. Besides that, it is filmed very well.

True Grit
True Grit(2010)

Hilarious, tragic, epic, exciting, touching, and made nearly perfect by the Coen brothers' signature atmosphere. I was darkly snickering at everything.

The characters are not only fleshed-out, but the movie is also incredibly believable and well-directed. I'll admit that I'm not well-versed in my classical westerns, but if this is any indication of their quality, then I might just give them a second look...

The Jungle Book 2

This movie is the sh*t. And I don't mean that in a good way. It might be entertaining for some little kids, but it shouldn't've been in theaters.

Law of disney sequels:
Terrible direct to video sequel of a popular Disney movie, exploited for profit based on original film's popularity.

Disney got the first two specifics down with this experiment and a few others in the early 21st century.

Casino Royale

He IS the best bond since Sean Connery, and this just may be the best Bond Film since... well... ever!

The Social Network

Citizen Kane was about the turn-of-the-20th-century news industry, and this is about the turn-of-the-21st-century social networking industry. They both have the same feel and similar central plot ideas, and are roughly equal in quality, in my humble opinion.

See this movie.


Wow I never thought that trains could be so scary.

The fact that it's based off a true story makes it even better... but the filmmakers decided to make it moreso "loosely" based off of one so it isn't restricted by any underwhelming or unironic parts of reality. I think that's a good thing.

The cinematography is great, the acting is great, and the charecters are all-around likeable. I even sympathized with the corporate assholes and the lazy employee.

The villain is the train... plain and simple. For some reason, that just makes it better.

Paranormal Activity 2

Where the first movie had a reoccurring build-up of dread, climaxing with a great ending, this movie is a bit less predictable. The tension instead builds throughout the whole film, and the scary parts happen erratically and unpredictably--even during the daytime.

Admittedly, I also liked the characters more in this film, and the way it ties into its predecessor with the poetic ending is amazing. Oh yeah, and it's scary as &%$#!

Dog Soldiers
Dog Soldiers(2002)

The cinematography, story, and direction are quite good for a movie its kind, the acting is world-class, and the effects are well-done. However, my favorite element in this whole movie is the tongue-in-cheek 'British' humor spread throughout the film.

A close candidate for the best werewolf movie in the past decade. It's certainly better than Twilight or the Wolf Man remake...

War of the Worlds

Despite some silly charecters and scientific implausabilities, I am very pleased with this movie of Spielburg's. He creates an exciting, well-paced plot, with both horrifying human and nonhuman elements that seem to compliment each other perfectly as the plot unfolds. The adaptation itself is a perfect imprinting of Wells's story on modern times, and one that sticks surprisingly close when compared with past adaptaions.

For nay-sayers, I say look at recent sci-fi remakes and alien invasion movies. Yeah... they make this film look godlike, don't they?

Clash of the Titans

The idea of a myth movie revival was interesting, the actors seemed promising, and the effects appeared exciting. However, the script and editing ruined the movie in the end.

The covoluted plot moves forward far too quickly without pause. New elements and charecters come and go almost too fast to keep track of, let alone build on.

My best summary is that Clash of the Titans seems to be tripping over its own feet.


Um... this is... is...
A fairly mundane story of a man who finds out he has a premarital child, then slowly loses his control after his wife leaves him and he has a brief affair with his neighbor who leaves him also because of the baby. I won't spoil the ending.

However, this is told through the eyes of a lunatic, and the overall atmosphere of the film is horrifying.

The weirdest, most uncomfortable film I've ever seen. I loved it.


This movie is not for everybody. It's amazing-- the action, the effects, the story, the fiction, and about everything else. However, the plot is harder to follow than any other recent movie I've seen. If you like to think before, while, and after you watch a movie, then this is a must-see. If not... well... enjoy the acting and action, because that might be all you'll get out of it.


I would say this is the best film in the Alien/Predator series since Cameron's Aliens. The casting and acting were great, the story was gripping, and the plot fit into both the canon and the pulp premise. Now, this was FAR from a spectacular masterpiece-- there were a few plotholes and little breathing space, but admittedly, Predators was entertaining. And that's what I saw it for.

The A-Team
The A-Team(2010)

As the 49% vs 87% Critic vs Community ratings suggest, this movie may not be an aristic masterpiece, but it's a lot of fun. I liked the A-Team show for how... well... AWESOME it was, and I liked this movie for the same reason. The plot is pure action movie formula of betrayals and government agents-gone-rogue, but the execution is heart-poundingly original, funny, and just plain awesome.


The greatest horror movie series of all time.

Okay, not really. But it has a sarcastic silliness quality to it that I find very entertaining... it's as though the cast, crew, and directer didn't feel like making another crappy horror flop and decided to make fun of the idea throughout the entire film.

Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2

I saw about 5 minutes of this movie on TV out of boredom, then decided to turn off my TV and stare at the blank screen while I tried to remove the residual memories of it from my brain.

First Blood
First Blood(1982)

Much of what Rambo does doesn't really make sense, but this movie contains stellar suspenseful action and likely the best performance ever from Stallone. I'm not certain if it warranted a series, but it's a heart-pounding movie worth watching.

The Matrix Revolutions

Eugh the ending to this series got corny, silly, and too special-effects intensive. Still, I feel that it kept the atmosphere of apocalyptic desperation that the first film established and the second magnified. However, the plot went awry. Certainly, these series of movies require thinking about, with the reocurring cycles of rebellion and the nihilistic existence of the machines, but this movie was just plain confusing.

However, the special effects and action were certainly entertaining, so I boost it up from a 50 to a 60 just for the incredibly epic fight at the end.

Inglourious Basterds

Inglourious Basterds feels like it should be a deep, satirical film about ideologies, but appears to be a violent killfest. It does a great job at both, and I must say that I enjoyed all of it. The dramatic sequences were great, the gags were great, the action (what little of it there was) was great, and the sheer Quentin Tarantino-ness of it just made it better.

Shutter Island

People were probably expecting another The Departed, so I can see why this wasn't that well received. As a movie, though (and I haven't read the book) it was deep, dramatic, and stylistically captivating. We need more psychological thrillers like this.

The advertising for this film was awful, however. The theater which I saw this in was filled with bloodthirsty boors expecting a slasher film--I honestly think I was one of the only people there who understood it.

Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas

An underrated Christmas movie for kids. I still laugh at some of the jokes, such as the Grinch's answering machine: "...If you so much as utter one syllable I'll HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU LIKE A FISH! If you'd like to fax me, press the star key." Carrey is the perfect Grinch, whereas Meyers as the Cat in the Hat is... a different story.

The Godfather, Part II

The tense story of Michael's risky activities as he attempts to balance his crime empire and his family (and fails) combined with the contrast of Vito's rise to prominence make this film not only a good story-- but two good stories that make a great film.

Paranormal Activity

A docuhorror that made me jump at shadows for roughly a month. However, the ONLY way to see this film is on a big, loud screen in a dark room or theatre, with the soil-yourself theatrical ending.


So edgy that it's a wonder that it didn't fall off the edge and plunge into the bottomless pit of bad directional ideas. This movie works in a very strange, almost Dr. Strangelove way that captures the comic's satire and grittiness perfectly.

Dr. Strangelove Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

One of Kubrick's best films--if not his absolute best. It had suspense, subliminal comedy, satire, and various other elements that shine even today, if not more than they did almost 50 years ago. The acting and editing were flawless. This is one of those movies you simply must see in your lifetime.


This is the unprincipled type of Quentin Tarantino-ish comic book movie that I love, a sort of Watchmen Comedy. It's worth watching, if you're ready to be shocked and and have your sensibilities defiled. The jokes are funny, the action is awesome, the acting is sufficient... this movie is exactly what it says it is: kickass.