Japes's Profile - Rotten Tomatoes

Japes .

Super Reviewer

Profile Summary

Want-to-See Movies

Want-to-See TV

This user has no Want to See TV selections yet.

Rating History

Kill That Bitch
6 days ago via Rotten Tomatoes

So I was looking for movies to watch in the dark depths of Amazon prime, so deep into the Amazon library that I was getting an error code from Amazon telling me to fuck off and watch something else. It was in the depths of Amazon that I found this movie accurately titled "Kill That Bitch" and I must say he does indeed kill that bitch and that bitch and another bitch to put it bluntly.
I was wondering why such a seemingly B-rated movie would be doing hidden away underneath hundreds and hundreds of other Amazon movies. But now I know why. This is not your typical B-movie. This is an F-movie. I knew it was going to be bad as soon as the opening credits "Dustin W. Mills Productions" appeared. Only an egotistical, self-entitled prick would name his production company after himself. And since there are no other reviews of this movie and I know the director has probably been watching this movie's page on Rottentomatoes for the past 2 years waiting for someone to call him out on his beautiful cinematography, phenomenal art direction and amazing scoring, I felt compelled to give my unbiased Super Reviewer review of this movie and because I am procrastinating from doing actual work.
To start, this movie is about a man who kills bitches. That is essentially the plot summed up in 5 words. That was easy. The acting was subpar throughout. Although the actors were comfortable enough to get naked often. Like very often. Like every other scene. Nudity was a theme, I believe. I would hope that there was some deeper meaning to the many, many naked shots in this movie because otherwise the director looks like one hell of a perv that likes to exploit the fuck out of women. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, but I'm pretty sure it's the latter.
Anyway, at the very end somehow they are werewolves. That explains why the one girl likes to sniff things and act like an animal. And maybe why she doesn't mind getting naked? Even then, it's a stretch. I can name every werewolf movie I've ever seen that doesn't have/need this much nudity. Nudity can be done in good taste or bad taste. And this was straight up - "uhh why is she naked? do they not have clothes? are they poor?"
Disregarding the messy script and emotionless acting (I don't blame the actors for that because the script really didn't give them anything to work with), the cinematography was pretty ................................................................................................................bad. In one shot that random guy who comes out of nowhere trying to convince the girl he's not into banging her, the camera ping pongs between their conversation giving me whiplash. Then the lighting for him is pretty light with no contrast and her lighting is dark with harsh contrast and shadows making her look like she had no eyes. Was that done on purpose? No, no it was not. Like you're outside - move the actors around. Use the sun. I know it's low budget but the sun is f-r-e-e. It looks like they're in two different places. It's like amateur stuff. Like film 101 classes that are like hey these are the rules of what not to do. And if you're going to be so bold as to use your entire name as your production company, the least you can do is read up before you start diving into it. The whole movie quite honestly would have been a solid B-movie if the acting had been a step up and the camera work had been spot on. I know it was low budget, but money doesn't set up the lighting.....in outdoor scenes. You don't need money to frame a shot or do basic student-level camerawork. It's pretty straight forward.
But anyway, that is my review. I do recommend not venturing into the depths of Amazon prime. I strongly believe those movies are concealed in the darkness for a reason. We should allow them to remain hidden in the dark peacefully and not conjure up something that we might regret finding.

Don't Blink
Don't Blink (2014)
8 months ago via Rotten Tomatoes

This was such a bad movie. I looked up reviews and there were actually good reviews about it. How? How is that possible?

The movie is about a group of friends that get together at a remote resort to hang out. While they are there, they realize the place is deserted and everyone is missing. They later discover they start disappearing too. Then the movie ends.

There is no plot to this movie. There is no storyline. None of the characters are important let alone even developed. There are so many characters and their only purpose is to disappear. They have no other purpose. There is a little depth but really not much at all. The two points of depth were "I'm pregnant and my husband doesn't know yet!" and "my ex is going to be on this trip and my wife is pregnant and I know she's pregnant I'm just waiting for her to tell me." Other than that the characters are all flatter than a pancake that's been run over by a Mack truck.

People were reviewing this movie like "OMG I love mystery! It's such a mystery! I want to watch it again to see if I can figure out the mystery!" Umm....sorry to break it to you, but there is no mystery. People are disappearing and nobody knows why. The characters don't do anything to figure out why they're disappearing and the writing doesn't have ANY reason for the people to disappear. I don't even think the director/writer knows why people are disappearing. He's like "hurr durr I'm going to write a movie and have people disappear for no reason. Then i'm going to let the audience "interpret" what they think is happening and they're going to think it's like so deep man. It's a genius idea." No. It's not a genius idea. Only a fool would watch this movie and say it's deep. There is nothing deep about this movie. There's no mystery. There's no character arches. Nothing changes in the movie.

You can interpret and try to solve whatever mystery you think is there, but the writing is so poor, it's a waste of time. There's no mystery to be solved.

The movie starts with a bunch of shallow characters going to a remote cabin. The movie ends with one shallow character leaving the cabin. The audience is left with nothing. Someone on RT said the actors were bad. They absolutely 100% were not bad actors. Given the shallow characters they had to play (literally not developed with any backstory or anything), I think the actors did a phenomenal job. So don't hate on the acting, hate on the writing and direction.

Eden (2015)
9 months ago via Rotten Tomatoes

Really poorly written survival movie. A close team of soccer players quickly turn on each other after being on the island for such a short period of time (literally less than 3 days). They go insane pretty much immediately upon landing on the island. It was also interesting to see that the plane was cut in half when it landed and some people DIED while others remained completely unscathed. The random sex scenes really threw me off too. There was one scene where the dude's friend got blown up and he was so upset. He went off by himself to sob and this girl comes over to comfort him and BAM they have sex right there in the sand....wait, what? The cinematography was pretty cool that's where the 2nd star comes from. The first star has to be there because RT makes you give even the worst movies on the planet one star.

They way everything escalates so quickly just takes you out of the movie completely. Killing best friends after just a couple days on an island? I don't think so. It's a poorly thought out movie, but it's pretty to look at.

Blood Widow
Blood Widow (2014)
9 months ago via Rotten Tomatoes

You can tell it's a student film by the poor lighting in some shots. If they got the chance to make a movie, you'd think they'd make one that has a little more substance than a person/thing/ghost killing people. We've only seen that 1 trillion times before. There's no character development, bad acting, no plot (literally there's not a plot) and the ending makes you say well, there was no point to this, was there?