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Japes .

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Rating History

Don't Breathe
Don't Breathe (2016)
16 months ago via Rotten Tomatoes

Super, super overhyped. This movie is indeed a rollercoaster ride of excessive, unnecessary plot points that go in the opposite direction literally every 10 minutes. That's not what I would call a "smart and sturdy premise" but more like a obnoxious movie that's sole purpose is to push and pull you around and doesn't really care about the story it's telling.

Rottentomatoes gives this 87 percent citing a "smart and sturdy plot". As a super reviewer, I refute that claim and cite examples to prove it's a dumb and shaky plot.
1) The old man is blind right? Ok so that means his hearing must be super sensitive, no? So when 3 loud teenagers jump over his fence with their feet hitting the ground and throwing the backpack over the fence which also hits the ground, repeatedly turn his door knob and shake the cellar doors - he can't hear it? And you might say, oh hey well he was dead asleep! He must be a deep sleeper. Ok, true I will give you that. But what about his dog? Huh? Yeah his super ferocious guard dog. In absolute silence, I don't know any dog that WOULDN'T get up and go to the door if someone was turning the locked door knob and strange people are talking in normal voices right outside the front door. So that is in the very beginning and already I'm like this is the dumbest plot ever. But wait - there's more!

2.) The kids choose this break-in because they know the old man was rewarded $300k for his daughter's death. Like, all right I see that. Then they're like we need to break in and take that money! And that's where I'm like hey, wait a minute. How the fuck do you know there is $300k cash in that house? They don't, but they go in anyway. They don't just think there's money in there, they KNOW there's money in there. They are planning their trips afterwards and how they're splitting up the money and everything. Like really? How can you know? They risk it all to go up in there being loud as fuck searching an old man's house in the morning while he's still there looking for money. Worst burglars ever? Yes.

3) The old man does indeed have $300k in straight up cash lying in a safe. And not multiple safes around the house, but just one safe. Yep $300k in one spot in cash in his house. Apparently this movie was filmed in a time when banks didn't exist and the only way to store your money is old fashioned safe. He has enough sense to make his house into an impenetrable castle, but not enough sense to put his cash in a bank? Yeah, super smart plot there.

4) SPOILER***** So at the very end - yeah I'm about to spoil something, but the movie isn't that great so you won't be too disappointed. At the very end, the guy decides he wants a new kid because his daughter was hit by a drunk driver and killed. So he kidnaps the girl who killed his daughter and impregnates her with his semen not rape more like with a turkey baster yeah. So anyway, he wants a kid soooooo bad he's going to force a baby with some random girl? His reasoning was "she took my daughter from me so she has to give me a daughter." Like, OK, I kind of see that, but that will take 9 months. Adoption - and I fucking know he can afford it - would be somewhat quicker. Why not just kill the girl and seek revenge that way? Or just kidnap the girl and keep her kidnapped. Why does she need to give him a baby? That part was weird and like OK you guys are pushing it a little bit. That went over the edge I think.

5) Not to mention the guy has probably killed multiple people before and never caught even after the police were AT HIS HOUSE investigating the robbery with the news crews there - so yeah, I'm not buying it. And neither should you. Rottentomatoes failed us.

I would say this is a solid B movie, but nothing more. It's no A horror flick that Rottentomatoes is trying to pass it off as. I have seen my fair share of bad horror movies and this is definitely on the list. It takes a lot of work to make a good horror movie, and this was not good.

Kill That Bitch
19 months ago via Rotten Tomatoes

So I was looking for movies to watch in the dark depths of Amazon prime, so deep into the Amazon library that I was getting an error code from Amazon telling me to fuck off and watch something else. It was in the depths of Amazon that I found this movie accurately titled "Kill That Bitch" and I must say he does indeed kill that bitch and that bitch and another bitch to put it bluntly.
I was wondering why such a seemingly B-rated movie would be doing hidden away underneath hundreds and hundreds of other Amazon movies. But now I know why. This is not your typical B-movie. This is an F-movie. I knew it was going to be bad as soon as the opening credits "Dustin W. Mills Productions" appeared. Only an egotistical, self-entitled prick would name his production company after himself. And since there are no other reviews of this movie and I know the director has probably been watching this movie's page on Rottentomatoes for the past 2 years waiting for someone to call him out on his beautiful cinematography, phenomenal art direction and amazing scoring, I felt compelled to give my unbiased Super Reviewer review of this movie and because I am procrastinating from doing actual work.
To start, this movie is about a man who kills bitches. That is essentially the plot summed up in 5 words. That was easy. The acting was subpar throughout. Although the actors were comfortable enough to get naked often. Like very often. Like every other scene. Nudity was a theme, I believe. I would hope that there was some deeper meaning to the many, many naked shots in this movie because otherwise the director looks like one hell of a perv that likes to exploit the fuck out of women. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, but I'm pretty sure it's the latter.
Anyway, at the very end somehow they are werewolves. That explains why the one girl likes to sniff things and act like an animal. And maybe why she doesn't mind getting naked? Even then, it's a stretch. I can name every werewolf movie I've ever seen that doesn't have/need this much nudity. Nudity can be done in good taste or bad taste. And this was straight up - "uhh why is she naked? do they not have clothes? are they poor?"
Disregarding the messy script and emotionless acting (I don't blame the actors for that because the script really didn't give them anything to work with), the cinematography was pretty ................................................................................................................bad. In one shot that random guy who comes out of nowhere trying to convince the girl he's not into banging her, the camera ping pongs between their conversation giving me whiplash. Then the lighting for him is pretty light with no contrast and her lighting is dark with harsh contrast and shadows making her look like she had no eyes. Was that done on purpose? No, no it was not. Like you're outside - move the actors around. Use the sun. I know it's low budget but the sun is f-r-e-e. It looks like they're in two different places. It's like amateur stuff. Like film 101 classes that are like hey these are the rules of what not to do. And if you're going to be so bold as to use your entire name as your production company, the least you can do is read up before you start diving into it. The whole movie quite honestly would have been a solid B-movie if the acting had been a step up and the camera work had been spot on. I know it was low budget, but money doesn't set up the lighting.....in outdoor scenes. You don't need money to frame a shot or do basic student-level camerawork. It's pretty straight forward.
But anyway, that is my review. I do recommend not venturing into the depths of Amazon prime. I strongly believe those movies are concealed in the darkness for a reason. We should allow them to remain hidden in the dark peacefully and not conjure up something that we might regret finding.

Don't Blink
Don't Blink (2014)
2 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

This was such a bad movie. I looked up reviews and there were actually good reviews about it. How? How is that possible?

The movie is about a group of friends that get together at a remote resort to hang out. While they are there, they realize the place is deserted and everyone is missing. They later discover they start disappearing too. Then the movie ends.

There is no plot to this movie. There is no storyline. None of the characters are important let alone even developed. There are so many characters and their only purpose is to disappear. They have no other purpose. There is a little depth but really not much at all. The two points of depth were "I'm pregnant and my husband doesn't know yet!" and "my ex is going to be on this trip and my wife is pregnant and I know she's pregnant I'm just waiting for her to tell me." Other than that the characters are all flatter than a pancake that's been run over by a Mack truck.

People were reviewing this movie like "OMG I love mystery! It's such a mystery! I want to watch it again to see if I can figure out the mystery!" Umm....sorry to break it to you, but there is no mystery. People are disappearing and nobody knows why. The characters don't do anything to figure out why they're disappearing and the writing doesn't have ANY reason for the people to disappear. I don't even think the director/writer knows why people are disappearing. He's like "hurr durr I'm going to write a movie and have people disappear for no reason. Then i'm going to let the audience "interpret" what they think is happening and they're going to think it's like so deep man. It's a genius idea." No. It's not a genius idea. Only a fool would watch this movie and say it's deep. There is nothing deep about this movie. There's no mystery. There's no character arches. Nothing changes in the movie.

You can interpret and try to solve whatever mystery you think is there, but the writing is so poor, it's a waste of time. There's no mystery to be solved.

The movie starts with a bunch of shallow characters going to a remote cabin. The movie ends with one shallow character leaving the cabin. The audience is left with nothing. Someone on RT said the actors were bad. They absolutely 100% were not bad actors. Given the shallow characters they had to play (literally not developed with any backstory or anything), I think the actors did a phenomenal job. So don't hate on the acting, hate on the writing and direction.

Eden (2015)
2 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

Really poorly written survival movie. A close team of soccer players quickly turn on each other after being on the island for such a short period of time (literally less than 3 days). They go insane pretty much immediately upon landing on the island. It was also interesting to see that the plane was cut in half when it landed and some people DIED while others remained completely unscathed. The random sex scenes really threw me off too. There was one scene where the dude's friend got blown up and he was so upset. He went off by himself to sob and this girl comes over to comfort him and BAM they have sex right there in the sand....wait, what? The cinematography was pretty cool that's where the 2nd star comes from. The first star has to be there because RT makes you give even the worst movies on the planet one star.

They way everything escalates so quickly just takes you out of the movie completely. Killing best friends after just a couple days on an island? I don't think so. It's a poorly thought out movie, but it's pretty to look at.