Noah James's Profile - Rotten Tomatoes

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Rating History

Jack Ketchum's The Girl Next Door
5 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

Awful and frustrating.

*My reviews contain spoilers, but I don't attempt to summarize the plot*

This movie is about a boy (David) who befriends a girl (Meg)who just moves in next door with her aunt (Ruth). The aunt already has two boys, and the new girl and her sister lost their parents in an accident.

Aunt Ruth lets neighbor kids come over and drink beer - so they think she's a cool lady. Understandable.

However, everything else ISN'T. For some reason, she hates Meg and uses every opportunity to talk down to her and abuse her in front of the other boys. The boys seem to be ok with it, except for David. He seems genuinely concerned for her safety, yet does nothing to stop it.

Meg is caught talking to police to try and be freed from her evil aunt. The aunt finds out, but - except for one drop-in from a cop - nothing comes from it. Because of this, Ruth decides to teach Meg a lesson. She has her tied, hanging by her wrists, in the basement. She lets the boys decide what to do to her, and they suggest stripping her. So she let's them.

We proceed to see scenes with torture, knife cutting, burning, scarring, rape, and genital mutilation - mostly done by the boys (with other girls in the room too), but always with Ruth there to watch and approve.

Finally, David - who after the rape and mutiliation is trapped in the basement with Meg and the sister - lights a fire and gets the aunt to come down, killing her with a crutch. The police come down and see the horrible scene, but Meg has died.

Ok, so this movie made me sick to my stomach. We see not only a sick adult, but some genuinely f*cked up kids. It's one thing to be helpless and intimidated by an adult, it's completely something else to by a kid and suggest ideas to torture another child. It was a BOY'S idea to strip her, a BOY'S idea to rape her, and a BOY'S idea to cut her. Just awful.

Meanwhile, David is our protagonist. I get why when it was just verbal abuse towards Meg he didn't do anything out of fear - but by the time she's being stripped and tied up in the basement? That's when he needed to tell an adult who would just barge in and go downstairs. I don't understand why he didn't. There were SO MANY chances to make things right, and he never did. That was probably the most frustrating part. At one point, he tries to talk to his mom when she was asleep - yet he didn't talk to her about it in the morning when she was awake.

The acting and direction was good, but the ending did NOT make things right. You leave feeling cheated, or even worse, like you just watched a kiddie porn snuff film. In the real case this film is loosely based on, most of the guilty party (including the aunt) get prison time. That would have been MUCH more satisfying then the quick death.

To be honest, with the content of the film, the ending either makes or breaks it. Unfortunately, with this film, it was the latter.

Waxwork (1988)
6 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

I'm not going to say much, because it's a waste of 0's and 1's. This movie has some of the worst writing and inorganic conversations I've ever seen. Just horrible.

Funny Farm
Funny Farm (1988)
6 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

An ugly film.

*My reviews contain spoilers, but I don't attempt to summarize the plot*

With everything going wrong to a mild-mannered husband and wife - This film should've been called Rural Vacation. Except for (unlike Vacation and Christmas Vacation) it isn't even remotely funny.

I can honestly say I didn't laugh once. At all. And I like Chevy Chase.

Every point where I THINK they wanted you to laugh just frustrated me. I HATE movies/shows where things happen and I think "Wow. I would totally punch that guy."

They spend their first night at their new house without their funiture or any personal items, since the movers couldn't find the place. They are pretty steamed about it, but it doesn't generate ANY sympathy from me. When my wife and I moved from Indiana to California, we spent a WEEK at our new place without ANY of our stuff. We were supposed to have it delivered when we got there, but by the time we drove the 2,500 miles, we found out our stuff was STILL in Indiana. So we had to go out and by an inflatable mattress and a space heater since - I forgot to mention - our landlords (who were overseas on vacation for a week) didn't turn the gas on at our place. So yea, no sympathy for Chevy and wife.

Once the movers get there, Chevy YELLS at them for the night without their supplies. The Gas Man (as I call the actor from Dumb & Dumber) takes one of their chairs and throws it in the pond. Not funny, and I would call the movers and complain - demanding a refund.

They find a box with a dead body inside the flower bed. The sheriff comes and digs it up, saying he'll give the body the "proper burial". Then later, he gives the FARMERS (Chevy and wife) the bill. His justification is "remember, you bought the land and everything that's found on it." If a crime from before you lived there is found on your property, the state pays for it. I don't find it funny that they have to pay for a dead body - and they keep getting bills in the mail. Speaking of the mail...

The mailman flies past their mailbox, throwing the letters as he goes. So what does the sheriff say about that? Does he say, sure I will talk to him? No, he tells them to get used to it - that their mailbox is miles off of his route, so he's pretty drunk by the time he gets to them. First off, why is that THEIR problem that he's out of the way for the mailman? Isn't it his JOB?! Also, is the sheriff completely ok with an alcoholic also being a drunk driver? Is it still funny if the mailman runs over a kid - even if the sheriff could've stopped him?

Also, the softball game had a sequence where the catcher walks in FRONT of the batter to catch a ball. Guess what happens? I batter cracks the guy in the back of the head. Why would a catcher walk in front? That makes no sense. Also, the first pitch WASN'T a strike - the catcher practically dove to the right to catch it.

Afterwards, Chevy goes with a group of three fishing - where he falls of the boat as it takes off. Meh. Then one fisherman hooks another one, and Chevy tries to help get it out; in the process, he hits the other two fisherman into the water. Once he helps them back in, they chase him until he dives off of the boat. Why are they mad - they caused him to fall off first?

Oh, and they get a dog. Once thy get home, they let him run after the ducks. Surprise surprise, he runs off. No shit. You JUST get a dog, so don't expect it to obey you. You have to establish that. Not funny.

So they hate it in the town, and get the townsfolk to help trick a nice couple into buying a house in this town full of horrible people - for a money reward, by the way.

By the way, the Farmers are getting a divorce, but who give a shit? Since when was this movie about their marriage. Crap plot device. Anyway, back to the scam...

So it's Christmas and the new couple is seeing this amazing town full of amazingly nice people (capped off with being sung to in the house). At one point, their new dog has a skeleton hand in its mouth. No biggie. The wife chases him into a room, shuts the door, and (just in case, the dog found a way to open the door) you hear her knock out the dog. People say that movies aren't as good as they used to be, but I'm SO glad we don't try and get laughs from abusing animals anymore. I'm not a PETA advocate in the least, but it's just not funny hitting animals. Or like in Conan the Destroyer - our "hero" is seen punching a horse and a camel. Hilarious.

Regardless, our protagonists are trying to rip off another couple. How that makes sense for the couple you are supposed to root for is a mystery to me.

So how could this movie end up worse? In the end, the Farmers decide they don't want to move - they want to stay. Huh? What? Did we not just spend 95% of the movie showing how shitty this town and its people are??

Just a completely horrible movie.

An American Werewolf in London
6 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

While it doesn't completely stand the test of time, this movie is a classic monster and FX makeup movie.

*My reviews contain spoilers, but I don't attempt to summarize the plot*

I enjoyed this movie. The FX makeup was revolutionary at the time - and it's fun to see where movies like Underworld got their tranformation sequences.

My biggest issue was with the events leading up to the two men getting attacked by the werewolf. Even had they not been warned by the pub customers to stay on the roads - why would you walk through a field? If I'm in a strange land, I would stick to roads. They at least lead somewhere, provide reference points, and DON'T potentially lead you to getting lost in a forest.

I also didn't care for how abrupt the ending was - but other than that, great movie.

Rango (2011)
6 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

One flaw completely derailed my enjoyment and focus.

*My reviews contain spoilers, but I don't attempt to summarize the plot*

Here was my problem that my brain couldn't justify: The film takes place in the real world (meaning humans and animals in this reality); however, out in the desert is a town full of animals who wear Western clothes and built a town. In fact, there are a lot of animals wearing Wild Wild West clothes and speaking like them. Also, Rango (which isn't his real name) wore a Middle-aged-man's shirt his size in the tank his human owners had him in.

So...what is wrong with MY eyesight if I don't notice animals wearing clothes? Am I a pervert for only seeing them naked - having undressed them with my eyes? How has no one discovered old style towns for animals?

This bugged me for well over 20-30 minutes into the film. I just couldn't accept these two elements (humans but animals acting like a society of humans) being able to co-exist.

Moving that aside, the story wasn't that original. A guy thrust into a role of saving a group of people, all their hope on him, based on a lie. He gets found out for being a fake. All seems lost, but he realizes that he belongs with those individuals, and ends up saving the day - even if his plan is paper-thin and has a 10% chance of actually working (though of course it DOES work).

Depp does fine. Nothing amazing, but nothing lazy. I thought it was funny when I saw the credits with all the celebrities who did the voice work - since while watching the movie, I didn't recognize ANYONE other than Depp. Methinks they could've saved money and hired regular voice actors (other than Depp) and no one would've been the wiser.

I almost gave it a 50%, since if it was on cable TV, I might've recommended watching it if you had nothing else to do. However, I felt the pacing was atrocious for the first half of the movie - so I would advise to skip it.