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Rating History

Mad Max
Mad Max (1979)
2 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

Excluding Katy Perry: Part Of Me, this is the single greatest film ever made.

The film takes place in a dystopian future Australia, law and order has begun to break down following a major energy crisis. A berserk motorcycle gang member, named Crawford "Nightrider" Montazano, is attempting to outrun MFP officers in a stolen Pursuit Special. While he does manage to escape, the badass titular character, by the name of Max Rockatansky, engages the less-skilled Nightrider in a high-speed chase, which ends up killing the Nightrider in a fiery explosion.

The Nightrider's gang, The Acolytes, have rode into a small town, vandalizing property, stealing fuel, and terrorizing the population. After a young couple witness a man, tied to a motorcycle and being dragged halfway down the town, they hastily try to escape. However, they accidentally hit the Acolytes' leader, the Toecutter, he, along with the other gang members, follow them, destroy their car, and rape them.

Max and fellow officer Jim "Goose" Rains arrest Toecutter's young protégé, Johnny "the Boy" Boyle, who was too high to leave the scene. When neither the rape victim nor any of the townspeople show for Johnny's trial, the federal courts throw out the case. Goose, furious at Johnny's release, must be restrained as he and Johnny exchange violent threats. After Bubba drags Johnny away, MFP Captain Fred "Fifi" Macaffee tells his officers to do whatever it takes to combat the gangs, "so long as the paperwork's clean."

A short time later, Johnny sabotages Goose's motorcycle. The next day, the motorcycle locks up at high speed, throwing Goose into a field. An uninjured Goose borrows a ute to haul his damaged bike back to the MFP HQ. However, Johnny and Toecutter are waiting in ambush, with the former throwing a brake rotor at Goose's windscreen, causing him to crash the ute. With Goose unable to get out of the ute, Johnny - under pressure from Toecutter - throws a match into the gasoline leaking from the wreck, triggering an inferno that severely burns the helpless Goose. After seeing Goose's charred body in a hospital intensive care unit, Max becomes disillusioned with the MFP, and the fear of losing his sanity convinces him to resign. His superior, Fifi, talks Max into taking a holiday before making his final decision about the resignation.

While vacationing, Max stops at a roadside garage to have a tire repaired while his wife, Jessie, and their infant son, Sprog, go for ice cream. The two encounter Toecutter's gang, who attempt to molest Jessie. Max and his family flee to a remote farm owned by an elderly friend named May, but the gang learns of their destination from the garage mechanic and follows them. Jessie is waylaid by the gang after a trip to the beach; May holds them off with a shotgun and she, Jessie, and Sprog manage to escape in the van. Unfortunately, the van breaks down, and Jessie tries to escape with Sprog on foot, but are killed by the pursuing gang. Max arrives too late to intervene.

This is it. This is where he loses it. With Sprog killed instantly and Jessie near-death, Max has lost everything. His job, his family, and his sanity. He has become the shell of a man. There is only one thing in the world he has to live for. Revenge.

With his police leathers and a supercharged black Pursuit Special (In real life, it is a Ford XB Falcon), he sets off, with nothing on his mind but to slaughter the gang that killed his family.

After torturing the auto mechanic from earlier for information, and forcing several members of the gang off a bridge at high speed, Max methodically hunts down the gang's leaders. However, he sustains a significant gunshot leg-injury from Johnny, and has his arm run over by Bubba Zanetti and the Toecutter.

He (Painfully) gets up and shoots Bubba at point blank range with a shotgun, though Johnny escapes when he sees Bubba killed. As Toecutter flees, tailed closely by Max, he veers into the path of an oncoming semi-trailer truck and is brutally run-over.

Max eventually locates Johnny, who is looting a car crash victim he presumably murdered. In a cold, suppressed rage, Max handcuffs Johnny's ankle to the wrecked vehicle, and sets a crude time-delay fuse involving a slow fuel leak and Johnny's lighter. Throwing Johnny a hacksaw, Max leaves him the choice of sawing through either the handcuffs (which will take ten minutes) or his ankle (which will take five minutes). As Max casually drives away, the wrecked vehicle explodes, with Johnny's fate left unknown. Max drives on to points unknown, pushing deep into the Outback.

With only a $400,000 budget, Mad Max accomplishes brilliant stunts, three sequels, and lacks any Hollywood cliches. Fury Road sits at #1 on my most anticipated 2015 films list, and, since it comes out around the same time as my 18th birthday, I also plan to be the first in line to see it in the jaw-dropping IMAX that it's supposed to be seen in.


Troll 2
Troll 2 (1990)
2 years ago via Rotten Tomatoes

The worst movie ever made. By far. Why? I'll tell you why...

This pathetic excuse for a film begins with a fat old man named "Grandpa Seth" narrating a pointless story to his grandson Jonathan. According to "legend", some guy with a silly hat ran through the woods once, attempting to escape the clutches of some evil goblins who were undoubtedly attempting to catch and hit him with their fake plastic masks. The idiot guy with the hat eventually falls down and is picked up by a comically dorky woman who feeds him magical green porridge. This pastel green soup makes him sweat Cascade dishwashing detergent and turns him into "half man, half plant", which I like to call a "mlant." He is then supposedly eaten by the goblins, but I'm not exactly sure how this happens because the prop guy didn't cut the holes for their mouths big enough to get anything larger than a Tic-Tac through. Maybe when "Goblin Mask v2.0" is created, they'll be able to physically put something in their tiny mouths other than the director's minuscule penis.

The back-story-story is then interrupted when Jonathan's mom walks into the room and Grandpa Seth instantly disappears. According to the movie, this is because Seth has been dead for half a year. Mom and dad begin to talk about how excited they are to go to the town of "Nilbog", where they're swapping houses with a farm family.

Yes, "Nilbog". The town is named NILBOG. Do you get it? Are you impressed with the extreme degree of cleverness and creativity the "writers" exhibited when brainstorming this plot in their respective jail cells? I won't even go into detail with how intensely stupid the idea of swapping houses with a random farming family in the woods is, but then again, this movie seems to have been filmed in some sort of alternate universe where aliens dress up and try to act like how they guess human beings would. Nobody in this film reacts in any explicable sense to the events that occur around them. It's almost as if they wrote down six basic human emotions on a piece of paper and rolled a die every scene to determine which one they would attempt to portray.

Anyway, the family of Jonathan, Michael, Diana, and Holly heads out to the wonderful and wacky town of NILBOG (NILBOG!!!) and begins to get in an argument in their minivan on the way there. The daughter and father fight about her boyfriend, who the father believes is a "rotten good-for-nothing" just because the kid's really stupid and hangs out with his homosexual friends all day. To break up the tension and bickering, the mom steps in and requests Jonathan to "sing that song I like so much." The song, "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" was obviously too technical and confusing for the mother to recall the name of, but that still doesn't quite explain why she liked it "so much." I would guess it's because she's an idiot, but I've been wrong before.

The family finally pulls into NILBOG (haha, NILBOG!), a town full of farmers who participate in a constant foam hat conventions, and meets the antisocial weirdos who they're swapping houses with. In a terribly scary moment of foreshadowing, the little farmer boy tosses a baseball to Jonathan which reads "Eat up before we eat you". Ooh, scary! Jonathan's family enters the house and are overjoyed to find a table full of prop food which doesn't look even remotely like anything anybody reasonably intelligent would consume. There's green biscuits, pitchers full of bright red and green liquid, and corn on the cob with green paste smeared all over it. So, being the braindead morons they are, Michael, Diana, and Holly all immediately dig in and prepare to shovel the filth down their throats. Before they can cram a single moldy biscuit into their stomachs, Grandpa Seth appears in a mysterious and shocking way (he knocks at the window). He explains to Jonathan that he has to stop his family from eating any of the food because it will turn them into goblins, or even worse, legitimate actors. Jonathan gets Grandpa Seth to stop time for 30 seconds (I really can't explain how he does it, I guess it's a perk you get for being dead) and does the only rational thing he can do to stop them from eating the food;he pees all over it. I'm not kidding. Once time resumes again, Michael takes Jonathan to his room and gives him a stern lecture that contains the phrase "you can't piss on hospitality", which is one of those lessons that you just can't learn on the mean streets of Nilbog.

Holly's boyfriend and his cretin pals show up in their mobile home and park it in the woods, undoubtedly so the rest of the residents of Nilbog won't be awakened by their lusty cries of ecstasy during the night. One of the friends named Arnold goes outside the camper to smoke, sees a pretty girl running through the woods, starts chasing her, and gets a spear thrown into him by some marauding goblins. Arnold and the girl decide the best place for them to hide from the goblins would a nearby ominous, gothic, scary house, so they go in and get molested by a Druid lady. The woman playing the Druid is one of the most embarrassing examples of overacting in the history of modern film. She stretches out every vowel to approximately four hours in length, wildly gesticulates as if she were petting electric dogs, and forces her eyes open to the point of looking as if dinner plates were lodged in her forehead. She offers her guests a couple mugs full of dry ice and lime Jello, which they drink. This causes the girl to turn into a lump of slime and Arnold to transform in a tree (a tree that sweats dishwashing detergent). Drew, another one of the fools in the trailer, decides to run to town and get some milk. Oh, the wild and crazy kids these days, what will they do next? On the way to the general store, Drew is given a ride by Sheriff Freak, the law authority of Nilbog. Sheriff Freak (that's really his name, I swear) gives the kid a green sandwich and he immediately eats. The kid is dropped off by the sheriff, buys some milk, and then runs into the Druid's house to hang out with his buddy Arnold, who is still a mlant. I think he ends up being killed or something, I don't remember. It's not very crucial to the plot, all the kids were just cannon fodder anyway.

Jonathan stumbles upon the evil goblin church, which is actually the director's unfurnished basement, and gets captured by them (the goblins, not the director). They try to make him eat evil Nilbog ice cream, but his dad shows up and scares them away by threatening to call their parents and tell them that their kids are dressing up in goblin costumes and making lame movies when they should be studying for school. Grandpa Seth, who took time out of his busy schedule of "being dead", shows up and hands Jonathan a Molotov cocktail so he can blow up the goblins, which surround his family and chase them into their house. Well, they don't really chase them, they just stand in place while the family runs away. The goblins surround the house (by standing in place) and throw bags of sandwiches onto the porch, which I assume is how goblins traditionally attack their enemies. There's a scene placed in the movie around this point which involves some kid and the Druid eating corn together (which explodes and turns into popcorn), but I'm not going to bring it up because even mentioning it makes my brain hemorrhage. Oh wait, too lateeeesahhf0940945y9h)$))

Eventually Jonathan and his family hold a seance to summon the spirit of dead ol' Grandpa Seth, and Jonathan mysteriously appears in the Druid's house. I don't know how, he just teleports there or something. He and Grandpa Seth attempt to kill the entire goblin race by touching the "Stonehenge Magic Stone" (I'm not making that name up), but it doesn't work. I though it might be more effective if they just pushed the damn foam rock over onto the Druid lady, but apparently that wasn't a valid option. The goblins storm into the house and make menacing gestures at the kid, but he repels them by taking a bite out of a bologna sandwich that he had in his backpack. Yes, the movie is that stupid. Soon the rest of Jonathan's family shows up, they all touch the Stonehenge Magic Stone of Magical Stonehenge Stone Magic and the goblins all explode and fall over railings. Everything goes back to normal, the family goes home, and the mom gets eaten by goblins (in order to leave the door open for "Troll 3", which will probably be about mutant giraffes or something).

In case you didn't notice, Troll 2 is a very, very, very bad movie. Is so damned bad that there isn't even a single fucking troll anywhere in the film. They manage to pack every bad and embarrassing "sub b-movie" cliché into one mindless piece of electronic urine. None of the characters exhibit anything that could even remotely be called "human traits", and the retards in goblin masks act more like people than the actual actors do. Move over, "Feeders 2", there's a new king in town.