The worst movie ever made. By far. Why? I'll tell you why...
This pathetic excuse for a film begins with a fat old man named "Grandpa Seth" narrating a pointless story to his grandson Jonathan. According to "legend", some guy with a silly hat ran through the woods once, attempting to escape the clutches of some evil goblins who were undoubtedly attempting to catch and hit him with their fake plastic masks. The idiot guy with the hat eventually falls down and is picked up by a comically dorky woman who feeds him magical green porridge. This pastel green soup makes him sweat Cascade dishwashing detergent and turns him into "half man, half plant", which I like to call a "mlant." He is then supposedly eaten by the goblins, but I'm not exactly sure how this happens because the prop guy didn't cut the holes for their mouths big enough to get anything larger than a Tic-Tac through. Maybe when "Goblin Mask v2.0" is created, they'll be able to physically put something in their tiny mouths other than the director's minuscule penis.
The back-story-story is then interrupted when Jonathan's mom walks into the room and Grandpa Seth instantly disappears. According to the movie, this is because Seth has been dead for half a year. Mom and dad begin to talk about how excited they are to go to the town of "Nilbog", where they're swapping houses with a farm family.
Yes, "Nilbog". The town is named NILBOG. Do you get it? Are you impressed with the extreme degree of cleverness and creativity the "writers" exhibited when brainstorming this plot in their respective jail cells? I won't even go into detail with how intensely stupid the idea of swapping houses with a random farming family in the woods is, but then again, this movie seems to have been filmed in some sort of alternate universe where aliens dress up and try to act like how they guess human beings would. Nobody in this film reacts in any explicable sense to the events that occur around them. It's almost as if they wrote down six basic human emotions on a piece of paper and rolled a die every scene to determine which one they would attempt to portray.
Anyway, the family of Jonathan, Michael, Diana, and Holly heads out to the wonderful and wacky town of NILBOG (NILBOG!!!) and begins to get in an argument in their minivan on the way there. The daughter and father fight about her boyfriend, who the father believes is a "rotten good-for-nothing" just because the kid's really stupid and hangs out with his homosexual friends all day. To break up the tension and bickering, the mom steps in and requests Jonathan to "sing that song I like so much." The song, "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" was obviously too technical and confusing for the mother to recall the name of, but that still doesn't quite explain why she liked it "so much." I would guess it's because she's an idiot, but I've been wrong before.
The family finally pulls into NILBOG (haha, NILBOG!), a town full of farmers who participate in a constant foam hat conventions, and meets the antisocial weirdos who they're swapping houses with. In a terribly scary moment of foreshadowing, the little farmer boy tosses a baseball to Jonathan which reads "Eat up before we eat you". Ooh, scary! Jonathan's family enters the house and are overjoyed to find a table full of prop food which doesn't look even remotely like anything anybody reasonably intelligent would consume. There's green biscuits, pitchers full of bright red and green liquid, and corn on the cob with green paste smeared all over it. So, being the braindead morons they are, Michael, Diana, and Holly all immediately dig in and prepare to shovel the filth down their throats. Before they can cram a single moldy biscuit into their stomachs, Grandpa Seth appears in a mysterious and shocking way (he knocks at the window). He explains to Jonathan that he has to stop his family from eating any of the food because it will turn them into goblins, or even worse, legitimate actors. Jonathan gets Grandpa Seth to stop time for 30 seconds (I really can't explain how he does it, I guess it's a perk you get for being dead) and does the only rational thing he can do to stop them from eating the food;he pees all over it. I'm not kidding. Once time resumes again, Michael takes Jonathan to his room and gives him a stern lecture that contains the phrase "you can't piss on hospitality", which is one of those lessons that you just can't learn on the mean streets of Nilbog.
Holly's boyfriend and his cretin pals show up in their mobile home and park it in the woods, undoubtedly so the rest of the residents of Nilbog won't be awakened by their lusty cries of ecstasy during the night. One of the friends named Arnold goes outside the camper to smoke, sees a pretty girl running through the woods, starts chasing her, and gets a spear thrown into him by some marauding goblins. Arnold and the girl decide the best place for them to hide from the goblins would a nearby ominous, gothic, scary house, so they go in and get molested by a Druid lady. The woman playing the Druid is one of the most embarrassing examples of overacting in the history of modern film. She stretches out every vowel to approximately four hours in length, wildly gesticulates as if she were petting electric dogs, and forces her eyes open to the point of looking as if dinner plates were lodged in her forehead. She offers her guests a couple mugs full of dry ice and lime Jello, which they drink. This causes the girl to turn into a lump of slime and Arnold to transform in a tree (a tree that sweats dishwashing detergent). Drew, another one of the fools in the trailer, decides to run to town and get some milk. Oh, the wild and crazy kids these days, what will they do next? On the way to the general store, Drew is given a ride by Sheriff Freak, the law authority of Nilbog. Sheriff Freak (that's really his name, I swear) gives the kid a green sandwich and he immediately eats. The kid is dropped off by the sheriff, buys some milk, and then runs into the Druid's house to hang out with his buddy Arnold, who is still a mlant. I think he ends up being killed or something, I don't remember. It's not very crucial to the plot, all the kids were just cannon fodder anyway.
Jonathan stumbles upon the evil goblin church, which is actually the director's unfurnished basement, and gets captured by them (the goblins, not the director). They try to make him eat evil Nilbog ice cream, but his dad shows up and scares them away by threatening to call their parents and tell them that their kids are dressing up in goblin costumes and making lame movies when they should be studying for school. Grandpa Seth, who took time out of his busy schedule of "being dead", shows up and hands Jonathan a Molotov cocktail so he can blow up the goblins, which surround his family and chase them into their house. Well, they don't really chase them, they just stand in place while the family runs away. The goblins surround the house (by standing in place) and throw bags of sandwiches onto the porch, which I assume is how goblins traditionally attack their enemies. There's a scene placed in the movie around this point which involves some kid and the Druid eating corn together (which explodes and turns into popcorn), but I'm not going to bring it up because even mentioning it makes my brain hemorrhage. Oh wait, too lateeeesahhf0940945y9h)$))
Eventually Jonathan and his family hold a seance to summon the spirit of dead ol' Grandpa Seth, and Jonathan mysteriously appears in the Druid's house. I don't know how, he just teleports there or something. He and Grandpa Seth attempt to kill the entire goblin race by touching the "Stonehenge Magic Stone" (I'm not making that name up), but it doesn't work. I though it might be more effective if they just pushed the damn foam rock over onto the Druid lady, but apparently that wasn't a valid option. The goblins storm into the house and make menacing gestures at the kid, but he repels them by taking a bite out of a bologna sandwich that he had in his backpack. Yes, the movie is that stupid. Soon the rest of Jonathan's family shows up, they all touch the Stonehenge Magic Stone of Magical Stonehenge Stone Magic and the goblins all explode and fall over railings. Everything goes back to normal, the family goes home, and the mom gets eaten by goblins (in order to leave the door open for "Troll 3", which will probably be about mutant giraffes or something).
In case you didn't notice, Troll 2 is a very, very, very bad movie. Is so damned bad that there isn't even a single fucking troll anywhere in the film. They manage to pack every bad and embarrassing "sub b-movie" cliché into one mindless piece of electronic urine. None of the characters exhibit anything that could even remotely be called "human traits", and the retards in goblin masks act more like people than the actual actors do. Move over, "Feeders 2", there's a new king in town.