J's Review of The Room
Here it is, the king of so-bad-it's-good: the one, the only, Tommy Wiseau's legendary cinematic accomplishment & failure: The Room. This movie is without even a shadow of a doubt the best worst movie of all time.
This film was written, produced, executive produced, and directed by and stars Tommy Wiseau. After we get our opening credits over some shots of San Francisco, we meet Tommy Wiseau's character, Johnny, our protagonist. Wiseau's acting in every single one of his scenes is so fucking awful and unintentionally hilarious, and yet so fun to watch. In his scenes, when he speaks, not one pronunciation of his words are right nor are any of his breaths of air capable of making us believe what he's saying, and in that regard, he's fucking wonderful at giving a truly consistently terrible performance.
Johnny is the guy in town that everybody loves. They all love him. They're all friends with him. He's loved by all. That's gonna change. His fiancée, Lisa, played poorly by Juliette Danielle, wants to dump him because he's, and I quote, boring, but keeps this is a secret. This is revealed after Johnny and Lisa have sex.
This sex scene has to be the most awkward, nauseatingly hilarious, and shittily-made sex scenes ever made, and I saw the sex scene from fucking BloodRayne. Get this? When Johnny's on top of her doing it, it looks he's fucking her naval. I know this sounds like TMI and sounds pretty damn explicit, but believe me, that's what it looks like. Johnny must've flunked sex ed class in high school.
Lisa wants to find someone else to do it with, so she chooses Johnny's best friend, Mark, played poorly by Greg Sestero, the line producer of the movie. Mark has two of the most confusing, out-of-place, and out-of-context lines in the movie. When Lisa tells Mark about her situation, Mark is reluctant as hell, but he gives in anyway. Why? Because plotline. And also to add to the so-called "story". So, they decide the best place to have some wild sex is on the stairs. All three sex scenes in this movie are poorly filmed, terribly written, and have truly awful music. Mark and Lisa promise to keep this affair a secret.
We have another character, Denny, played awkwardly by Phillip Haldiman. According to Tommy Wiseau, Denny is supposed to be mentally retarded. If that's the case, he forgot about how much of a creepy, mindless, awkward, anal, inept, and reprehensibly unorthodox little bastard he is. When he eats an apple, he appears as if he wants to rape some random chick in Glendale on a rainy Tuesday evening. He has a crush on Lisa that's a trillion times larger than The Grinch's heart on Christmas. Johnny acts like somewhat of a father figure to Denny.
In one of the film's most famous scenes, Denny has to own a drug dealer some money, but he claims it's coming in a few minutes. But the drug dealer is not pleased. He holds a gun to his head and keeps yelling "WHERE'S MY FUCKING MONEY, DENNY?!" to him. I wonder if this was how the movie was financed. And then Lisa, Mark, Johnny, and Lisa's mom Claudette, who announces she has breast cancer, come by. Claudette then starts ranting on Denny and drugs, both aware & unaware that it's Denny who needs to own the drug dealer money. After that, Lisa and Mark chat on the phone about their affair.
Oh, wait, I forgot to mention: before the drug dealer scene: Johnny works at the bank and was promised a promotion, but the scumbags at work refused to keep their promise. Lisa orders a pizza and gets Johnny drunk (he doesn't drink, and that leaves everybody with a WTF look on their faces), to which they make out. Then, the next morning, Lisa tells her mom that Johnny hit her.
Then, after the phone chat with Mark and Lisa, we get this:
"I did not hit her. It's not true. It's bullshit. I did not hit her! I DID NOT! Oh, hi, Mark."
That has to be the funniest and the worst piece of acting that has ever been put on film. I am dead fucking serious. Everything wrong and unintentionally humorous about bad actors' performances is shown consistently with every single one of Tommy Wiseau's scenes. His acting is so bad, so, so wonderfully bad, it's downright magnificent, even throughout.
One of the best things about this movie is that it's instantly quotable. Like the "I did not hit her" line and many others. In fact, I'll list them:
"Keep your stupid comments in your pocket!"
"As far as I'm concerned, you can drop off the Earth. That's a promise."
"Anyway, how's your sex life?"
"Ha ha ha, what a story, Mark."
"I cannot tell you, it's confidential."
"Don't touch me, motherfucker."
"I'm fed up with this world!"
"In a few minutes, bitch."
And last, but most certainly not least:
"YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISA!"
We also have scenes of Johnny, Denny, and/or Mark playing football together. What's funny about these scenes is the way they play football. It doesn't look like they're playing it. In fact, they're really not playing it. All they're doing is throwing it back and forth to one another. It's like they don't even know the rules of football. There's actually a theory that has been recently developed in which after you watch this movie, you'll never look at a football the same way again.
I don't think I can explain the plot without laughing my ass off at how awful the writing, directing, and acting are. It's just so bad on every level, but it's truly fantastic at being this bad. It's astounding. Getting back to the, and I quote, "story," Lisa and Mark still continue their affair, Johnny hears Lisa chatting with her mom about not loving Johnny anymore so he decides to record everything, Lisa throws a party for Johnny, Johnny tells everybody he and Lisa are expecting although Lisa was lying to make the party more interesting, and Johnny and Mark fight after Johnny gets mad that everybody betrayed him, so Johnny calls Mark a chicken, and Mark, clearly pissed that Johnny poorly imitated his favorite farm animal, fights with him.
Johnny discovers the affair, he lashes out at Lisa, Lisa leaves him, Johnny throws a temper tantrum and destroys his apartment, he grabs a gun, and commits suicide. The film ends with Lisa, Mark, and Denny discovering Johnny's dead body. Sad as hell, they all embrace and the end.
FINAL SCORE: 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, & 10/10 (any and every score is right for this film)
This film is something that can't be ignored nor can it be forgotten. Consistently lame performances, hypnotizingly lame writing, everything bad about films, it's all here, and you know what, it's a truly terrific accomplishment in that regard. Forget Troll 2, forget Plan 9 from Outer Space, and forget Glen or Glenda. Why? Because The Room is the greatest bad movie of all time. Period.