Brittany Runs a Marathon
John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum
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Seventh Son Movie Review!
So, a medieval/fantasy epic with a strange gimmick backing it up. How could this possibly go wrong? In many fucking ways. Let's find out how many, shall we?
The premise is thus: A falcon knight by the name of Gregory (played by Jeff Bridges) imprisons a powerful witch for good. She breaks out when the next blood moon approaches and comes to attack once more. Hope lies within Gregory to train a new apprentice who is the seventh son of a seventh son.
The acting. Before getting to the rest of the people. Someone who easily stands of is Jeff Bridges. What in the hell is up with his speech impediment in this movie? The man does not talk like that. The cast is nothing impressive at all, and it is a waste truly. Some big names here. It was kind of disappointing.
The visuals. The scale of the movie is grand, it looks impressive at times. You can feel in an actual medieval world. But the CGI rears its ugly head and ruins it with so much over the top bat shit crazy, it takes the immersion right out. The monsters could definitely have used an upgrade considering the 70-100 million dollar budget the movie had.
The story. So, it can certainly get convoluted, even crazy at times, but it's more silly grandiose that I certainly expected. There's so many bland and obvious turns on this flick, I'm surprised it didn't fall off into its own Limbo. It's too predictable. That's the sad thing. Guess 2015 didn't start out so good, did it?
I have hope for the future, so let's see what else is in store.
2 out of 10.
American Sniper Movie Review!
A movie about the life of one particular soldier skilled with the arts of marksmanship. Can it deliver on such a story and still maintain its plot clear? Let's find out.
The premise is thus: We begin to see the life of Chris Kyle (Bradley Cooper) and how he grows up to become a soldier for the United States Army. Amongst it all, he falls in love and is soon by deployed into Iraq.
One thing to quickly say is that props and honours should go for the performance of Bradley Cooper and the directing of Clint Eastwood. The acting is very well done and the directing is impressive. The rest of the cast also exceeds expectation to make this an all-around acting hit.
It's a little dangerous to tread to the story of this flick. Especially when one knows about the thoughts on the actual Chris Kyle towards the Iraqis. Easily enough, the man is displayed as a hero in this movie, when it can clearly be debated. This is an American film after all, and it's an American director with a certain view on the character. I guess what I can say is, that it's an American's wet dream to see him in action.
The visuals are clean and immersive, but something that caught my eye was the bullet holes. I'm not entirely sure whether or not they were effects or lack of thereof. Either way, it doesn't take away the fact that what you see is well executed, just something that could catch your eye every now and again.
One thing about this movie that I personally disliked it is how it tends to sometimes mix the past and the present. Not that it's bad, but it can get a bit distracting from the movie itself and the story that it is trying to show you. But I digress.
It's a good movie, but it's far from being a perfect one.
8 out of 10.
I, Frankenstein Movie Review!
A blockbuster epic that focuses on a newer version of Frankenstein while still keeping up with the times? It is any good. Why don't we find out?
The premise is thus: A scientist called Victor Frankenstein makes a monster and then tries to destroy it. The result is the creature surviving and enduring many years of life hunting down and defeating demons.
The most obvious of things, first. The CGI. Is this really 2014? Why does the CGI suck worse than a late 90s movie? You be the judge. It's fairly obvious and it's more than an eyesore.
The special effects, man. They are so tacky. It makes the movie unintentionally hilarious. To see great actors like Bill Nighy and Aaron Eckhart with the "effects" that they give him is the funniest part. Especially when it's being taken seriously. The gargoyles are probably the funniest thing.
With the script that is given, the acting is just beyond ridiculous. And I say that with much hesitation considering one of my favourite actors, Bill Nighy, is in this pathetic attempt of a movie. The movie is trying way too hard to be serious and it just comes short.
Oh, I'll remember this movie; not because it was bad, but because it was laughably bad. I hope to forget it really soon.
1 out of 10.
Left Behind Movie Review!
Well, a Christian movie depicting The Rapture. Starring Nicholas Cage? What could possibly go wrong?
The premise is thus: We follow the story of a pilot (en route to London) and his daughter who are both witnesses of The Rapture; taking thousands of people off the face of the Earth and into the Gates of Heaven. Hijinks ensue.
The story mostly focuses on the people of the plane alongside Nicholas Cage (as the captain of the plane). I would've thought a story about The Rapture would be more upscale; grander. But no. It's mostly compressed into just one fraction of a city and the plane itself. It honestly feels more like a movie about some plane surviving an attack and trying to land.
Oh boy, the acting. I don't think this is the worse Nicholas Cage performance, but it's just not good. It feels so bland for something as big as The Rapture. I sincerely believe that Cassie Thomson (daughter of Cage in the movie) is looking to take on the over-the-top acting of Cage himself. That'd be something.
The visuals. Well, when they aren't using CGI, it looks fairly well. But like so many movies that use the effects, they are poor. To the point that sometimes it cuts away the tension and/or drama of the moment (or whatever little bit of it there is in the first place).
And finally, the preaching of the film. If it is trying to teach you a religious thing, is that either you believe the inconsistent story of Christianity, or you perish. And even that is heavily buried under all of the nonsense of the movie.
There are better religious movies to watch. The Passion of the Christ is just one of many. I leave you with that.
1 out of 10.
Endless Love (2014) Movie Review!
So, can this movie be the one epic that can bring the source materialize to the silver screen? Hell to the no. This was worse than the first incarnation; and that was bad! Lets dive in.
The premise is thus: A young woman meets a boy who works in a valet and they instantly hit it off. The story just follows their relationship in its ups and downs.
Lets start with the obvious. If the first one had clichés, and a predictable plot, then you are going to be in for a sad surprise. This movie has more and then some. To the point that its just sad. I started out so angry in this film and I just ended up so sad.
The acting is a somewhat improvement of the first, but its so bland and obvious. Everyone falls into their perfect little cliché box and never stand out. And the characters of the source material have been so bastardized that it is appalling. I refuse to believe I saw a movie that is titled Endless Love. Call it whatever the hell else you want, but this isnt Endless Love.
The story. The freaking story. The story just completely went so far south, it is beyond amazing. One of the most iconic scenes of the story is the fire that goes awry. This movie butchered how it is supposed to go. Creative differences and just fucking going whichever direction you want to go and still call this Endless Love is sick.
When it was finally over, I completely hated this movie. I cannot express that enough. Its full of clichés, full of shit, and as a standalone film, it gives nothing new to offer. For gods sake people, try!
This gets a 0 out of 10.
Vampire Diary Movie Review!
You ever hear the phrase "Don't judge a book by its cover"? Well that is exactly what you can expect when watching this.
The premise is thus: A young woman who is a filmmaker stumbles upon another woman in a vampire/goth party. Befriended one another, they both fall for each other; paving way to the realization that the young woman is a vampire.
The acting in the movie is slightly above average. It's nothing magnificent, but it isn't in any way bad. You won't have a hard time believing these people can't act, though in some scenes, they could have done a slightly better job.
The visuals of the movie rely on a handheld camera. And while it does look grainy and alright, it could've been a bit better. I mean, the budget of the movie is estimated to be around £650,000. I believe that's more than enough to afford a better camera. But I digress.
The story-line is rich. And it's full of twists and turns (as evident as the final moments of the movie). The character development is odd, but that is the purpose of the movie; to have an odd pair of people confronting the situations that the movie provides.
This will be the first movie that will be rated individually by us; due to the fact that we couldn't agree with each other with the particular decision of one vote.
It receives an 8 out of 10.
Shark Week Movie Review!
The final movie (that I happen to know) that we need to see regarding The Asylum. That's about the only relief I can find in this movie.
The premise is thus: A wealthy drug trafficker kidnaps a bunch of people and forces them to play a game (Saw much?) to survive. What we see is how the rest of the game develops and who we see survive in the end.
The acting is subpar, nothing new to offer the series. These actors sure love to put a bunch of silly faces every now and again though. That's a pretty funny feature.
The visuals and the CGI are actually not the worst of the whole shark fiasco. (Though that doesn't mean it is good.) Thing is, there are a lot (and by that, I mean a whole lot) of jump cuts. It throws you for a loop sometimes, honestly.
This looks more like a spoof of Battle Royale with a side of Saw, to be completely honest. Though it's obvious it's lacking in many areas. But I digress.
1 out of 10.
Sharknado Movie Review!
Oh boy. Another Asylum shark movie. I wonder how this one will go. Oh, wait. I pretty much already know.
The premise is thus: A waterspout forms and sucks up all sharks around the area close by to L.A. and begins to spread terror in its wake. Hijinks ensue.
The CGI? What CGI? There's CGI there? If it's the worst of what the word means then yeah, there's CGI. It sucks terribly. Next.
The acting is laughably bad. I mean, I spent most of my time laughing every time they spoke. Also, I want to point out that the "scenery" for this movie is very odd. As in, they are driving in cars and it looks as if they are surrounded in all white. What, are they crossing the bridge to heaven?
The story is laughably ridiculous. As in, more sharknadoes start forming and wreak havoc all around LA. Interestingly enough, people die from other silly things other than the damn sharknadoes themselves. And when they do die because of the sharks, it is hilarious. Even Pac-man doesn't eat people that fast.
It's a bad movie, but it's a laughably bad movie. And for that, it gets something.
2 out of 10.
Ghost Cat Movie Review!
I'm reluctant to agree whether this should be considered a kid's film or not. Looks to me like a PG-13 movie at best. Let us find out why.
The premise is thus: An elderly woman and her cat pass away and the house is put to sale by her nephew. Soon thereafter, our main protagonists buy the house. Natalie (played by Ellen Page) then realises that she is seeing the ghost of the deceased cat.
What can be said about this movie? Well, let's start with the acting. This being a "kids" movie, the acting is decent. It's pretty obvious where the roles of each character lies. There is not a bit of mystery in that, and the clichés are everywhere.
The visuals are nice. Even the effects to make the cat ghost-like looks very well. It was actually kind of cute seeing the thing vanish into thin air as it did. So kudos for that decentness.
The story-line is pretty obvious, but I feel it is inappropriate. We have themes of embezzlement, corruption, attempted murder and such, in a kid's movie. I mean, I know kid movies are adventurous in many senses, but I think there should be a limit. It's harmless enough, I guess, but eh...let's hope this doesn't become the norm.
So bottom line. It is watchable, it can be entertaining and it does have its moments. It is an average movie.
5 out of 10.
Grimm's Snow White Movie Review!
You know, I came in expecting to see a somewhat generic bad movie of Snow White. Instead, what do I get? The Asylum. God damn it, people. Why do The Asylum keep getting work?! Nothing is right in this world.
The premise is thus: (As per the story of Snow White) An evil queen takes control of the kingdom of her dead husband and tries to rid herself of Snow White for being "fairer" than her. Hijinks (and killings) soon occur.
The acting is kind of good. It's average at best, really. See, when The Asylum tackles anything else than just sheer ridiculousness, they can actually come close to tackling a semi-passable spoof film. It doesn't mean it'll come out good, but it'll be less shitty than the rest. And then comes the final act of the movie. Where the fights are so stupid, it really sucks to have said it was kind of good.
The CGI. Like any typical Asylum film, say it with me: They suck. But of course! What can you expect from these people? You'd think they'd care enough. That's asking too much though.
The story. Well, if it's the classical story, it shou- Oh, it's not? They add giant monstrous lizards, weird-ass CGI dogs? Well, that's just fantas- Oh, elves too? Really? That's just fantastic. No, I'm glad. No, seriously. No, I'm glad! I digress.
It's not the worse Asylum movie. But eh...I still wouldn't recommend it. If you're gonna watch a B-movie, go watch anything else that isn't made from The Asylum.
It receives a 3 out of 10.
Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark Movie Review!
The Asylum. Home of bad shark movies. This movie shall not be the turning tide.
The premise is thus: A megalodon is released from this iceberg these people were transporting to Egypt (for whatever reason). It breaks out (No, really?) and starts its wrath on the world. The military then sends out a mechanized shark/submarine to attack it before it is too late.
The story (and its development) is the most convoluted one yet. The mecha shark even turns into a mecha shark tank. But why, though? The movie switches from shark war into just focusing on the mecha shark. Did the movie just give up halfway? It feels as if it did.
The acting is average. I expected worse, honestly. Granted, there are many, many problems with the acting. (Especially when people just die for no reason at all and they never show how.)
What else can be said about another generically bad The Asylum movie? It has all the trademarks in there. And they all suck. Good night.
1 out of 10.
Sharknado 2: The Second One Movie Review!
Oh lord. What was I thinking? Did I possibly think this series could get any better after the bullshit that is Sharknado?
The premise is thus: Some survivors of the first film head over to New York and experience another Sharknado. This one even tougher than the first. Hijinks ensue.
Out of all we can talk about, let's talk about the graphics/CGI first. They are just terrible. These graphics can be compared to the horrendous effects of Birdemic and pretty much every other Asylum movie there is.
The acting? What acting? I don't believe I saw acting while this movie was on. If this is acting, then god save every single actor out there. The acting is just a joke. It's a horrible, cruel joke.
The story. The story is a joke. I really didn't think it would get any worse than the convoluted and stupid story the first one had to offer...but I have been instructed. This is ten times worse. I do not even understand why anyone greenlit a sequel. Let alone a fucking 3rd movie. A third movie! How that is even a possibility, I don't even know. This was *so* bad.
And like any other Asylum flick, there are the obvious washed up actors. Like: Vivica A. Fox, Tara Reid, Billy Ray Cyrus (You fucking heard me right), and Biz Markie. Among many others. (Kelly Osbourne)
Where the first movie could be debatably enjoyable (in some low sense of the word), Sharknado 2 is just a complete joke. Stay far away and save yourself the time. There are so many other shit movies you could be watching.
This is a 0 out of 10.
Gudia Movie Review!
So right off the bat you may say to yourself: "This movie is weird". That's mostly because the description given for such can be considered strange.
The premise is thus: A man with the amazing talent of singing (in both male and female voices) is known for his ventriloquist/music act with a doll known as Urvashi. Soon thereafter, he develops a problem in which he can no longer sing; he then passes on the doll to his apprentice.
So, how should we start? This movie is obviously not one of those overblown Hollywood movies you see nowadays (plus this movie is from 1997). The visuals of the movie are "dated", but that, by far, does not mean they're bad.
The acting is rather well done. I didn't have a problem thinking: "Oh, these actors suck. They don't know how to do it very well". It just, again, reflects that this isn't your typical over budgeted flicks. It was decent.
The music (which is mostly throughout the whole flick) is actually very well done too. I personally liked the songs (though I do have a list of which is the best to which is the worst). It rather plays like a musical on the side, interestingly enough.
Finally, the story. The story is interesting to watch. (Had you seen enough movies, you might see where the plot will end up going.) In my case, it isn't blatant or obvious. It is surprising to see a movie that can tackle such subjects (politics, speaking out, etc.) in a rather forward manner. For a movie that isn't political, it does it well. But also, it can be a bit slow. Still, doesn't mean the movie itself is bad. I digress.
Can I suggest that you watch this movie? I could. Let me remind you, the movie is Indian. Indian language, English subtitles. If you are interested in neither, then this isn't the movie for you.
This movie gets a 7 out of 10. It was a good movie.
Taken 3 Movie Review!
The third instalment in the Taken series. Is this the redeeming movie after the second one? No. It's better, but it is no redeemer.
The premise is thus: Brian Mills (Liam Neeson) is framed by some unknowns about the murder of his wife. He then escapes the clutches of the police and investigates who had done it and why. Hijinks ensue.
We got some very good actors for this one. Neeson reprising his role, Forest Whitaker as the head detective, and more. I noticed a substitute of Stuart's character. It was Xander Berkeley and now it has been taken over by Dougray Scott. Not a bad exchange; except for the fact that the original actor presented to be a 50+ male. Dougray looks significantly younger.
This movie is beyond predictable and it cheats death way too often. There are significant scenes in which Liam Neeson should be dead. Period. But he isn't. And by the magic of movie editing (and nonsensical writing) he stays alive. Go figure.
There's certain moments where the CGI is predictable. But it's not irritating as other movies have to habit of making it. Luckily enough, the visuals are good-looking. That still doesn't save the movie from being bland and predictable.
I hope this movie ends the series because the first one was great, the second was more than enough and this should be the final nail in the coffin.
3 out of 10.
2-Headed Shark Attack Movie Review!
So. Another shark movie. More specifically, another Asylum shark movie. Why do I always get stuck with these? I mean honestly. This was such a boring and bad experience, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
The premise is thus: These kids, their teacher and Carmen Electra (I say her name apart since I don't understand what the hell her role is) head out into the seas and become stranded when the carcass of a shark is stuck on their propellers. Soon enough, a 2-headed shark begins to attack.
Oh lord, I've been irritated by actors/actresses before, but not quite like a certain one. Her role is so annoying that you will find yourself screaming at the screen as a result. The rest of the acting isn't really horrendous, but it isn't anything resembling good.
The CGI is, as always, silly and terrible. I've seen better movies in the 50s than these ones. If The Asylum think it is doing good B-movies, they're wrong. This should be C-movies. (If such a thing exists).
The editing is very, very poor. You can see better editing at small YouTube channels. (By the way, nice legs there, cameraman. You and your camera make a fine addition to the movie. @1:08:00)
The story is just poor; it's mostly a rip-off from the movie Jaws. Though to be honest, everyone kind of had a second life. What, with all the poor editing, you could see people live/die over and over again till the scenes ended. Make up your mind movie.
It's not the worst shark movie we've seen, but it is certainly bad either way. Could The Asylum start producing some actually well? Can it be that time? I'd love for it to be that time.
This movie gets a 1 out of 10.
Interstellar Movie Review!
I found myself arguing to going to see this movie. Not because I heard it was bad/good, but because I wasn't ready for it. Interstellar is a visionary possibility of the future that the world might hold. And it was glorious.
The premise is thus: The world as we know it is coming to an end. A team of Explorers are finding possibilities of leaving the Earth in search for planets able to support our necessities. Our story follows an ex-astronaut who rejoins them in a grand expedition throughout the possibilities outside of our galaxy.
I have to say, I love this movie. This was easily one of the best movies of 2014 for me. The acting here was great. Everyone's contribution just seemed superb. It was mesmerizing. I felt connected with these people since the first 10 minutes.
The world is alive with colour. The visuals are very impressive and very easily to lose yourself in them. This is why I harass a lot of movies with CGI; because when movies like these that come out and look great, this (and more possible outcomes) are the best to see.
The story-line is immense. It teaches a very profound possibility into the future of mankind. It is suspenseful, long, and riveting. Some can find it boring; since most of the movie focuses on the suspense and the longitude of the movie rather than the action. I digress.
I recommend this movie to the fullest. I great spectacle to behold. Also, bring a butt cushion, because the sucker is about 2 hours 40 minutes long.
10 out of 10.
Blood Lake Movie Review!
The Asylum. We meet again. And this time, with more shit like always.
The premise is thus: A sudden swarm of lampreys begin attacking and killing all the fish around Lake Charlevoix in Michigan. It is up your typical heroes to save the day.
So, let's do a list of all the typical "horror" movie clichés we can find. Generic washed up actors? Check. Horrible CGI? Check. A script so over the top that even M. Night Shyamalan might turn it down? Check.
The acting in this movie is so generic and robotic that it is baffling to see. The only "saving" grace is Christopher Lloyd; because his acting is so hypnotizingly over the top bad that is it kind of amazing to see. I mean, by god, a man we have seen in movies such as The Godfather and the Back to the Future franchise act in something as bad as Blood Lake is astounding. My faith in humanity is dwindling.
The CGI in this movie is a joke; just like all Asylum movies. It is generic, lazy, and flat-out bad. It was baffling to see scenes where the CGI is everywhere; you can't tell what's faker, the acting or the lampreys.
The special effects/makeup in the movie are horrendous. You know, for lamprey bites, you'd think someone would make a decent enough laceration "effect" (like in one scene actually). But no. They can't. Instead, they use ketchup/paint for their blood stains/bite marks that look like overgrown chicken pox. And it truly sucks because it is noticeable a mile away. Come on Asylum, at least try...if you're gonna do this kind of thing at least try.
So there we go. That's Blood Lake. Save your time and go watch something that can actually be worth your time; like absolutely anything else.
This movie gets a 1 out of 10. Piss-poor bad.
Perdues dans New York (Lost in New York) Movie Review!
By god in heaven...what did I just witness?
This has literally got to be the strangest movie I have ever had the displeasure to ever see. And that's saying something considering the amount of dis-pleasurable movies I have seen in my time.
The movie bases around two little girls who travel through space and time by the magic of this Moon Goddess object (also interpreted by a dancer). The two imagine what it is like to travel through New York as they're older.
Ok, at first, this movie is laughably bad. The acting is horrendous, the special effects are a joke, the visuals suck and the music selection is either non-existent or flat-out stupid.
As the movie progressed, I saw nothing but stupidity after stupidity. I just thought that this would end the most pathetic way that there is; but it didn't. It managed to completely stray from what it portrayed.
The movie ends in a (as the viewer, you should realize) tragic, dark and very cruel manner; trapping the women in a never-ending loop that you can never escape of. This movie was not targeting to do this at all (not by what I saw in the movie, I should say.)
This movie is an aberration. I can only tell you to watch it if you have absolutely nothing else to watch and you want to die a little inside by wasting an hour of your life. Also, you'll probably die of laughter before you finish the film.
0 out of 10. (0 stars)
Endless Love (1981) Movie Review!
By god...what a disgusting and disturbing movie.
The premise is thus: A young (17 year old) boy and a girl (15 year old) are committed in a relationship and just go about it, pretty much. That would sound good in ink and paper, oh wait, it did. The book was better received then both of the movie adaptations that it has received.
The acting is below average, the story-line is deluded and the pretentious idea of what it stands for is insulting. Never in my life have I seen a sex-depraved psychopath more than this guy.
It does the book an injustice, and as a stand-alone movie, it sucks. It just sucks. I hated this movie. I hated watching every minute of this movie. Save your breath and watch an actual romantic movie.
1 out of 10. (.5 stars)
Legally Blondes Movie Review!
It's just another typical quirky teenage girl movie. There's nothing by far more interesting about it.
The premise is thus: The cousins of Elle Woods (Rebecca and Camilla Rosso) move from England to America and embark on a school adventure. Hi-jinks ensue.
The acting is predictable, the visual aspect is nice and the quirkiness is just really over the top. It's so cliche and expected that nothing is surprising. Except the fact that the girls are twin and that just means double the stupid.
Aside from being linear and obvious, it's just very dull. It's not boring, per se, it's just dull. It's not the worst movie I've seen, but it's just one of the most cliches.
3 out of 10. (1.5 stars)