Some movies raise questions that really have nothing to do with the overall story, but are still very good questions in general. How do movies like these get funded? Who thought that this was a good script? Why do s***ty actors think that being in these movies think that this is their ticket to stardom? Thinking about these questions for too long will make menstral blood shoot out of your eyes (even if your not a woman), so it's probably best to just ignore them. But I feel it is my duty . . . my obligation . . . my burden, to warn you of "Komodo Vs. Cobra" the same way Paul Revere warned the colonists of the Redcoats.
My first gripe with this film, and I only consider it a film because it is in fact printed on film, is that it has a short name: KvC. KvC sounds more like a fried chicken joint than a horror movie! My second gripe is the film's "star" is a washed-up, desperate Michael Pare. My third gripe is that this is SyFy Channel quality filmmaking, without the SyFy Channel! Now I'm all flustered! I thought that the only way to see a movie this bad was to watch SyFy on a Saturday afternoon. In all honesty, I would really like to see a giant komodo dragon fight a huge cobra, but that's it. No back story, no love interest, just some hot reptile on reptile action. But the movie has to throw in some real nipple-heads that I guess we're supposed to care about.
I know, I know . . . I should just shut up and give you the synopsis. Well, it involves a whiny young couple paying rear admiral Pare to take them to a distant island for vacation. Michael Pare is smart, as all salty sea dogs are, and refuses to go. But after a little persuasion, and about $1000 in the fakest money ever printed for cinema, our heroes are off. Of course they bring their friends along for the ride, too. What fun would it be to be eaten without your best friend at your side?
At first, our protagonists start hearing things that are pretty good clues that something isn't quite right in Denver: loud roaring, people screaming, . . . giant corn? But as our nimrods try to put two and two together (which seems to be a hastle for a few of them) they run into a smokin' hot scientist with a gun. How do we know she's a scientist? Why, she's got a white coat, of course. And she uses big words like "specimen".
Ms. Sexy Scientist tells everyone to haul a** and leave the island, and everyone is in agreement, except for one douche nozzle. As it turns out, the only reason he came along was to expose the scientist and her colleagues for doing horrific sciency stuff to animals. And what might that be, you ask. Well, the scientists tried to make a komodo dragon and cobra bigger and bulletproof for . . . wait for it, weapons for the government.
WHY?!?! Why are scientists developing useless, stupid things like these in movies like this? What good would a giant snake do against the Soviets, or the Swedes, or whoever we're fighting right now? I particularly love that the scientists knew that they were tampering with Mother Nature, and making two of the deadliest creatures on earth bigger and resistant to bullets, but brought only ONE HANDGUN! Oh but don't worry, this gun has unlimited ammunition, just like a video game cheat code. Characters manage to squeeze off 60-120 shots without reloading before the creature eventually slithers/stomps away, either out of boredom or it already ate someone.
That brings me to the special effects: they're TERRIBLE. Both creatures look like they jumped straight out of an XBOX cutscene. It's also hilarious when someone gets stomped on, because it looks like the wind blowing over a cardboard cutout. It kind of reminds me of when Iron Man gets crushed by that falling cow in Disaster Movie.* But the best part is that this is a PG-13 movie, and there is no blood. So, characters are swallowed whole, rather than ripped to shreds. I would believe this with the cobra, because that is what snakes actually do. But the komodo dragon seems to have forgotten that evolution gave it those weird things called "teeth" and swallows its prey like a pill!
But the fight between the two reptiles must be cool, right? After all, they named the friggin' movie after it! Actually, what we get is a 360-degree shot, a la Michael Bay and a lot of tail-nipping. You can probably guess who wins the fight, as it is the same for all of these "vs." movies.
The point, fellow reader, is that this is probably the worst movie I have ever seen. To call it a movie is an insult to other movies. To call it a piece of s*** is an insult to pieces of s*** the world over! If the idea of watching "KvC" ever crosses your mind, don't. Read a book, learn a dead language, clean your gutters . . . all of those things are more fun than Komodo vs. Cobra.
*Note: I didn't actually see Disaster Movie. I was just referring to what I saw in the trailer. I would rather give a midget my cash to spit in my mouth than to those two comedy molesters, Friedberg and Seltzer.