Moscow Zero Reviews
June 2, 2009
this is pure crap and there is no reason for Val Kilmers name to be on the cover but to get the 5 people that actually saw it to agree to see it.
November 16, 2008
Since I've been on a Russian kick lately with the brilliant "Night Watch" and "Day Watch" films, and then the passable "Trackman", I decided to watch "Moscow Zero" from 2006 as well. I wish I hadn't.
If you've never heard of this film, here's a brief plot outline: "In Moscow, the priest Owen hires a team to guide him in the underworld to find his friend Sergei that is missing while researching the legend about the existence of demons and an entrance to hell beneath the city." And that's it. It's all just a load of running around tunnels looking for the lost archaeologists with a lot of meaningless waffle as dialogue.
I actually fell asleep two or three times and had to watch it over again which made the torture even worse. There was just nothing to this film to keep my interest. There were no scares, was no tension or suspense, and was no action other than the aforementioned exploring of the tunnels. I was hoping that I'd missed something in this because, from the blurb on the DVD cover, it promises "horrifying caverns" and "terrifying secrets". What I didn't expect was that it would deliver such horrifying acting instead.
Seriously, Val Kilmer and Vincent Gallo are so wasted in this that you wonder why they even bothered to show up. In fact, Val Kilmer is only in one scene yet takes top billing in a similar way to how the recent spate of Tony Todd and Robert Englund cameos in dozens of lacklustre indie horror movies fool a lot of people into renting those. Yes, I too have been duped a few times and such practices annoy the hell out of me. But I digressed.
"Moscow Zero" is simply the most tedious and mindnumbing waste of 82 minutes that I've encountered this year. I've given it an overall rating of 1 out of 10 though simply because I can't give it the "Zero" it deserves. I should have learnt my lesson from Coke as this product is as insipid as a bottle of tasteless brown water too.
August 31, 2009
I?ve stalled with watching this for a long time because it just didn?t seem good, but I?m a fan of Kilmer and possible fan of Oksana, so it stayed in queue for a long time. I bumped it up finally. And I can?t say I was disappointed, because I didn?t expect much. And it still underdelivered. And too much blue filter in the above ground scenes. I get it. Stop it.
A strange aside, Vincent Gallo plays a priest in this movie. Was this casting a joke because he?s been in movies like Trouble Every Day and made Chloe Sevigny go down on him on film? Not to mention this priest is in a wholly illogical and inappropriate relationship angle.
Kilmer plays the guardian to the Moscow underground and gets the accent down pretty good but seems like he just wanted a free trip to Spain to film the movie. Poor Lilya didn?t even learn enough English for the movie, as she speaks Russian most of the time to her costars who speak English back like they understand everything perfectly. And the movie isn?t scary at all. There are a couple of creepy moments, but not nearly enough to carry on, which makes this very boring. The digital camera fun house POV shots aren?t explained right away, which makes you wonder if it was an added effect at first. And the ending doesn?t bring closure to much. Oh, and this movie has Sage Stallone in it. I don?t remember him having a line in it, but it was hard to stay awake during this movie.
November 30, 2011
I can't even rate this film, is how terrible it was. I turned it off after the scenes with Val Kilmer in it. Also, for some reason I didn't have subtitles, which was a pain in the ass as some of the film was in Russian. Don't bother with this one. Trust me. It's not even worth it for the blip-on-the-radar that was Kilmer's appearance.
August 11, 2010
I am now dumber for watching this total piece of crap
March 23, 2010
I rented this while doing a Val Kilmer marathon with a friend. Worst...movie...ever.
December 23, 2009
My wife checked this one out from the library. She saw Val Kilmer's name and thought to give it a shot. He got first billing but is in this piece of trash for about 4 1/2 minutes or so. Must have a decent agent, but made a mistake being a part of this. The story had an intersting premise, but does not deliver anything remotely interesting. Don't waste your time like I did...
August 6, 2009
It's quite an accomplishment when the summary of a film offers more intrigue than the film itself. That being said, the concept itself is interesting, and the decent into the caverns of hell is tense and well shot with a number of veteran actors such as Joss Ackland making appearances. Unfortunately, after almost an hour of buildup and suspense, the end result is nothing more than a group of people trying to escape from a haunted house. 80 minutes of groping around in the dark with little or nothing to show for it is far more than anyone should be asked to sit through.
June 20, 2009
When I rented this movie I thought with the actors that it would be a well made movie. How WRONG I was!! This movie had very little plot and was very difficult to understand what was being conveyed. It is two hours of my life that I will never be able to get back. I wonder if they could give a refund of time. Val Kilmer on the box gives the idea that he will have a major role, however, it was a secondary charcter. The main charcters I hope did the best with what they had as a script. I have seen better independent films with smaller budgets. The ending will leave you with a feeling of anger that you spent two hours to get nothing but a speech. The climatic scenes are anything but. This was billed as a thriller but I had to continue to get up and stretch to keep from falling asleep. I think I would have spent my money more wisely by watching a Barney or Teletubie movie. Whoever made this movie needs to be drawn and quartered or tarred and feathered for insulting us with this crap. If you have a choice between this movie and one you can recite every word to, choose the latter!!
January 13, 2009
Let's be honest here, i am not a professional critic, not by a long shot, but i have seen more than enough movies in my life to have some pretty opiniated thoughts about the movies i see. I have seen some bad movies in my life, but i have to tell you, if i were to compile a list of bad movies, i am almost 100% certain this one would be in the top 3.
From the second i popped this one into the dvd player i knew i would be in for a boring ride, this is the type of flick that you watch until the end even if you are barely keeping awake because you convince yourself that maybe the ending will redeem the movie, but then you are monumentally disapointed.
I was lost during the whole movie, this really is story telling at it's worse, it basically comes down to a bunch of people running around in some dark ''spooky" corridors during the whole movie, once in a while a "scary" shadow lurks in the darkness. I never truly understood the movie and the end just makes you want to scream in pain because you have just spent two hours of your life thinking you will get answers at the end. who are these kids? are they dead? alive? do they just want to leave? are they really bad? do they feed on flesh? what happens to the main characters? guess what? you never find out.
Who is this Luna chick who directed the movie anyways? i don't blame her for not revealing her full name after making a piece of stinky poop like this, if she had given her name i'm pretty sure i would have sued her for the 3$ i spent on the rental. Only reason this movie is getting 1/10 and not 0/10 is because Oksana Akinshina is pretty hot and Rade Serbedzija is a hilarious guy(ok not in this movie) but just looking at him makes me laugh, plus it's kind of funny looking at him talk to himself in this one. Please take my word for it and leave this one on the shelf.
December 11, 2008
Val Kilmer is my favorite actor which is why I rented this movie. This was a non-story with a non-ending. The only way to make sense of this is to believe that everyone involved with this movie was playing a joke on the world of movies as they set out to make the worst movie ever. They might have succeeded. I'll forgive Val (he must have needed the money), and I'll still see his next movie.
November 23, 2008
It's amazing that I even sat through this movie all the way through. This movie is the biggest piece of crap I've endured since final destination (I could only endure the first one). It's like a joke that goes on and on with no punch line and then you realize that your the punchline - that you even watched this is the kicker.
[b]Don't waste your time with this!
October 31, 2008
What a stupid and lucicrous plot. It seems that just about all of Val Kilmer's films of late are just dreadful. It lacks suspense, it's not frightening but it is a waste.