Simon Says Reviews
THIS is how you make an entertaing slasher movie.
Honestly the chances are you have seen it all before!!
The movie's a complete mess, couldn't expect much else for the guy who did Harry and the Hendersons when he tries to make a horror film, but oh what a glorious mess it is.
The deviation comes in the form of Crispin Glover playing what may or may not be psychopathic twins Stanley and Simon. Glover has matured as an actor into the Vincent Price of our day, chewing through scenery with remarkable overacting skill, and he can almost carry "Simon Says" on his own, but his performance is also very uneven here as he switches roles. The reveal that's being set up is one that most viewers will see coming from the very beginning of the flick, but it puts Glover in a situation that naturally makes him muddle through too many times to be believable. The rest of the cast is bland and textureless, young actors given stereotypical roles that we've all seen a hundred times and barely merit mention.
Stanley and Simon like booby traps. They've filled the woods with tripwires and rusty machinery adapted from old mining equipment. In the film's most memorable scenes, scores of pick axes fly through the air when a character sets off the traps. This happens twice in the middle of the film, quite close together. There are also a few scenes involving paintball players who stumble across the twins and are done in fairly gruesomely. These characters have clearly been dropped into the film to pad it; they play no role in the story and add nothing to it but an extra ten minutes of run time and three minutes of blood. The goriest scene of the film comes, of course, at the end, when the sole surviving main character literally bursts through the corpse of the stoner to attack Stanley/Simon with a meat cleaver. This, too, has been telegraphed, and one gets the feeling that his whole flick has been too hastily thrown together by this point. Things just don't seem to have been thought through at all... and that's the overall problem with "Simon Says." It's not terrible, it's just not all that interesting. Watching it is like watching somebody follow a recipe from a cookbook; the end product might be palatable, but you know exactly what you're getting long before the meal arrives at the table.
"Simon Says" is a bit of slasher fluff that seems to have been designed primarily to give Crispin Glover something to do for a couple of weeks. It's "Friday the 13th" with pick axes and a southern drawl. Fans of slasher films will likely find it passable entertainment, but nothing to rave about. If you're not already fond of the genre and not already a major fan of Crispin Glover, "Simon Says" won't make you think more highly of either.