Here's a movie that considers itself to be an exploitation piece, but doesn't push the limits anywhere near far enough. "The Baytown Outlaws" stars three unknown actors, Clayne Crawford, Travis Fimmel, and Daniel Cudmore; as redneck brothers: Brick, McQueen, and Lincoln Oodie. These characters define what it is to be half-wits. They are beyond stupid, almost suffering from metal retardation, but somehow these fellas are contract killers, and they are very good at it. If you're anything like me, you're already wondering why this lame plot was ever picked to bring to the big screen. There are a couple actors you'll recognize in "The Baytown Outlaws." You've got Billy Bob Thorton, whose basically playing Billy Bob Thorton, and then you've got the smoking hot Eva Longoria, who, like in everything she's ever done, isn't demonstrating anything special as far as acting goes. Longoria plays Thorton's ex-wife (fat fucking chance) while he plays a ruthless drug dealer who's kept their teenage boy from her since he was a baby. Now you see where this is going?
Along come the three amigos to save the day, and we're only about twenty, maybe twenty-five minutes in; however, the rest of this 90 minute swill is just non-stop laughably gratuitous blood-soaked violence. There's no more plot now, except for a few moments of redneck jokes between the brothers. The sounds we hear consist of basically punches, crunches, bangs, booms, screams, shouts, and maybe a few vehicle engines. That's not what I want to hear when I go to the movies. You heard me right, guys, "The Baytown Outlaws" made my ears hurt. And oh yes, it sucketh the mighty fat one.