Vampires Suck Reviews
So i thought when this came out, i kinda thought it would suck, and much to my surprise... I was totally right! This was again terribly written and just unpleasant. I remember sitting in the theater and just watching it while my friends were lol-ing themselves and I just sat there with some other adults next thinking: WTF are they laughing at? What they're laughing at fart jokes like if they're 5, and cheap non-creative humor involving random Satirical items like Lady Gaga and the Kardashians? OMG that's not funny at ALL!
So yeah, at times i actually thought the original Twilight was more funny... Yeah, I found it funny, it was over-the-top stupid. And even though it's stupid, you have to admit they have pretty good visuals too and atmosphere that's somewhat entertaining, at least more entertaining than this crap.
Director: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
Summary: From the creators of Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans comes a spoof of pop culture and teenage vampire movies starring Jenn Proske as Becca, a high schooler who must choose between two hunky boys who both have killer smiles. While surrounded by vampires, werewolves (wereChihuahuas, anyone?) and gossipy teens with their own romantic dilemmas, the neurotic Becca also copes with her overprotective father and the school's impending prom.
My Thoughts: "There's not much to say about this film so this will be short, it sucked. Not funny at all. Boring as a film can be. There was so much to work with when it comes to the Twilight films, but the jokes were not very creative at all. Pass on it."
A spoof of vampire-themed movies, where teenager Becca finds herself torn between two boys. As she and her friends wrestle with a number of different dramas, everything comes to a head at their prom.
Its a lttle bit boring and drags, i wouldnt say its really one that shouldnt be missed though!
The plot pretty much follows the first two Twilight films closely. Becca Crane (Becca Proske) is the new girl in Sporks, Washington (laughing yet?). She's living back with her father (Diedrich Bader) and looking for a way to fit in. Then along comes Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter) and the two can't resist each other. He's a vampire, she's a moody teen girl, blah blah blah. There's also Jacob White (Chris Riggi) who turns into a little toy dog instead of a werewolf. He also chases after cats. How can you resist?
There are less throwaway pop-culture references that have a predetermined expiration date soon approaching. Sure, there's still references to pop-culture figures without any meaning of setup, context, or satire, like half-hearted momentary glances to the Jersey Shore goons, Gossip Girl, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, and an inexplicable reference to Alice in Wonderland. The heroine is seen getting shot by a stray bullet and falling down the rabbit hole. What makes that funny? Is it funny because we recognize the identity of who was shot? Would it therefore not be funny if it was an unknown victim? Wouldn't it be more amusing if the figure who got clipped was someone who people secretly, or openly, wished would get injured? Does anyone hold such animosity against Alice? But this example also showcases the comedy construction issues that plague Friedberg/Seltzer movies. I just don't know if these guys understand the fundamentals (fall down = funny) but they haven't advanced beyond the infantile stage. Take for instance a scene where Edward promises Becca that he won't ever let anything hurt her. Obviously we know what will happen next and sure enough the roof caves in on her while Edward stands and grimaces. The joke sort of works (I'm feeling charitable) as long as the onslaught of bricks keeps falling on the off camera Becca. But when Friedberg and Seltzer cut to a shot of legs kicking underneath an increasing pile of bricks and hold onto the shot for ten seconds, it kills the gag. Editing choices change the violence from cartoonish to uncomfortable, and realistic violence is rarely funny.
Friedberg and Seltzer litter their script with wandering setups in desperate search for punch lines. Take the line: "We're just like any normal family, except we never go to sleep and drink blood." The line is begging for a "like" reference to make a further connection. As is, it's a setup disguised as a weak punch line, and they're everywhere in Vampires Sucks. I kept waiting for punch lines that never came. The best example is Bella and her friend leaving a theater that is playing the final Twilight film, Breaking Dawn (unclear which half). They stroll along the theater loudly complaining about the absurd ending and then the Twilight fans waiting outside are upset that the ending has been spoiled for them. This joke stands in direct conflict with the Twilight subculture it intends to satirize. Twilight fans are obsessed about their brand and alliances (Team Edward vs. Team Jacob). And these people would not wait a nano-second to be surprised by plot. They voraciously consume all things Twilight and know every detail. The idea that obsessive Twilight fans would willingly abstain from knowing the ending of the book series is preposterous. This joke does not work at the construction level.
Perhaps the reason why Vampires Sucks feels less scattershot and cannibalistic of pop-culture is because the film spends less time lampooning Twilight and more time replicating them. Many scenes play out in the same fashion as Twilight and New Moon, so you're left scratching your head and waiting for when something deemed a "joke" in other contexts, though they don't have the same feel here. What happens is that you end up with a Twilight movie that just ends scenes with people getting subjected to slapstick violence. A rule you can set your watch to: in a Friedberg/Seltzer movie, if a character throws something off screen, it will hit another character in the head or, if recipient of broadside is male, the junk.
Since the Twilight series is so overwrought with teenager hormones and old-fashioned yearning, it practically begs to be mocked. Because it's so ripe a subject for redicule every now and then Friedberg and Seltzer stumble upon a mildly effective shot at the goofy, gooey nature of the vampire series. It's all criticisms that have been well established, including the pre-teen wish-fulfillment angle I've touched upon in all three of my personal Twilight reviews. One of the three and a half laughs I gave this movie was a faux alt-rock song by Magicwandos called "Panties" with lyrics like, "I feel so lonely/ Nobody gets me/ I feel so unhappy/ Why can't I find a cool, alternative boyfriend?" and the chorus, "We can watch Degrassi/ Shop at Hot Topic/ Sexting dirty pics of me in my panties." It's pretty one-the-nose and not very nuanced but it got me to laugh, plus it's a laugh I can credit to the band Magicwandos and not Friedberg and Seltzer. After five movies, Friedberg and Seltzer have made me laugh a total estimate of 8 times. At a combined 410 minutes, that's .87 laughs per hour.
The lead actress is far, far too good for this movie. Proske delivers a spot-on impersonation of Kristen Stewart's acting mannerisms, from playing with her hair, to lip biting, to the blink-heavy shifty eyes and mumbled monotone. Proske isn't given much assistance from Friedberg and Seltzer but she still provides one reason to watch the screen for those painful 80 minutes. It's too bad she isn't given anything funny to do or say. It's a waste of a perfectly good Kristen Stewart impersonation. You may also recognize Ken Jeong (The Hangover) and Dave Foley (Kids in the Hall) and openly wonder why good comedic actors would be duped into a Friedberg/Seltzer production. The answer can only be that of gambling debts. I'm shocked that Carmen Electra is nowhere to be seen, thus breaking her streak of appearances in 4 Friedberg/Seltzer movies.
In the realm of crappy cinema, Vampires Sucks definitely lives up to its lofty title. Yet it's not the outright creative abomination and entertainment vacuum that was Epic Movie (worst films of 2007), Meet the Spartans, and Disaster Movie. Does that qualify the film as good? Not even close. Relying less on Friedberg and Seltzer's M.O. of disposable pop-culture references posing as "jokes," Vampires Sucks manages to suck less by the sheer genius act of laziness. The film doesn't attempt as many jokes therefore offering fewer opportunities for jokes to die horrible, excruciating deaths. The ratio of comedic failure is still the same depressing level of ineptitude, but less jokes equates to less mind-numbing torture disguised as comedy. It also makes the movie more pointless and an even bigger waste of time than previous Friedberg/Seltzer efforts. It's the kind of accident that doesn't even allow for rubbernecking.
I'm finding it hard to as incensed as other Friedberg/Seltzer movies have made me. These guys bring out something virulent from me. Maybe it's my love of movies and comedy and my distaste for hacks being rewarded for repeated hackwork. Maybe I'm trying to take a final stand against the cultural shift that confuses situation-free pop-culture references as jokes. Whatever the case, the guys are at the top of my cinematic shit list. So you can trust me when I say that Vampires Sucks is easily terrible, poorly conceived, poorly filmed, and with limited aims that it still misses by a mile, but it's not the abysmal, faith-destroying experiences that the last three Friedberg/Seltzer offerings were. It is simply just bad. Really, really bad. And yet with Friedberg and Seltzer, that is an improvement. It's all about perspective, people.
Nate's Grade: D
Twilight sucks, therefore Vampire Sucks doesnt!
OK despite it being stupid, this movie has it, it was able to build up a story out of a spoof, and personally dis the saga i have hated for years now (twilight).
A Parody not only of vampire movies but an entire new generation with a actual story, Vampires Suck has the capacity to make the awful twilight saga become something we can all laugh at, and it actually has a better story line than twilight itself.
The acting in the movie is amazing, i am going totally against all critics when i say this. All the actors are able to impersonate their other characters role, Proske for example plays a better Bella than Kristen Stewart Bella, and therefore make a better Kristen. S then Kristen herself
Overall Vampires suck is the parody we have been waiting for long, a parody with an actual total dis towards one movie bringing other characters around it, not like the past fail attempts; where the parody is on the people and not the movie they are in. So Im not sure if Ive made myself clear, but, Vampires Suck, sucks so much, that its good! Its stupid, Its Ridiculous, Its dumb, Its Funny!
Buffy the Vampire Slayer: I was trying to help you, bitch!