Jason Sudeikis

Red	And you're not asking basic questions.

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Bradley

There's no texting in soccer.

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Matilda	Where's your homework?
Red	I don't have it.
Matilda	Why not?
Red	I didn't do it. I thought about doing it until I realized it would be a total waste of my time!

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Red	Wait, he's coming back.
Hal	Uh, did we win?
Red	Could we get an ice pack for Hal?

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Early Bird	Hey, Red! How are you?
Red	Oh, I'm horrible!

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Judge Peckinpah	There seems to be a recurring issue here, anger.
Red	I don't have an anger issue, I think you got an anger issue. Are you aware that robe you are wearing isn't fooling anyone?

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Red	Pluck my life.

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Red	Something doesn't seem Kosher about these pigs.

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Red	You can't eat eggs!
Monty Pig	What are ya gonna do? I'm a foodie.

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Red	I'm not blushing. I'm just red.

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Chuck	Eagle! Heron! Peacock! Warrior! Mountain! Tree! Rabbit! Fish! Locus! King pigeon! And of course, downward duck.
Red	Yuck!

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Red	Drop your nuts and move your butts!

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Red	Yeah, when birds fly
Red	Yeah, when birds fly.

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Andrew McDonnell

Oh yeah, you make deer condoms, huh?

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Andrew McDonnell

I see what's going on here, you're just a crazy person.

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Andrew McDonnell

Lady, that's not yours to ruin!

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Jake	When you start sleeping with someone you risk losing them.

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Jake	You're a catch, you look great, a dynamite in a tank top.

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Jake	Can we please go home, dry each other off with friction?

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Mitch	What's it all about?
Cam Brady	America, Jesus, freedom.

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Kurt	If Nick and I were in a prison who do you think would be raped more??
Dale	Nick.
Kurt	Nick, really? Huh.

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Kurt	I'd sure like to bend her over the barrel and show her 50 states.

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David Clark

Yeah, or send one of those damn text messages you're always sending out there, "Hey, it's me Casey, I'm not dead in a ditch, L-O-L, little picture of a fucking whale, hashtag yolo."

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David Clark	“Go buy some new clothes. You look like Eminem from 8 Mile.”
David Clark	Go buy some new clothes. You look like Eminem from 8 Mile.

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David Clark

Fuck off, real life Flanders.

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Scottie P	You know what I'm sayin'?
David Clark	Well, I'm awake and I speak English, so, yeah, I do know what you're saying.

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David Clark	You had me steal from a Mexican drug lord!
Brad Gurdlinger	It was kind of a dick move.

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David Clark

You got me moving enough weed to kill Willie fucking Nelson, man!

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Brad Gurdlinger	David Clark your a hard man to find take it easy on the plastic
Brad Gurdlinger	David Clark, you're a hard man to find. Take it easy on the plastic.
David Clark	Brad what the fuck is this look man I was going to call you back do not kill me I got robbed I swear.
David Clark	Brad, what the fuck is this look? Man, I was going to call you back. Do not kill me, I got robbed I swear.
Brad Gurdlinger	Wait what oh the plastic
Brad Gurdlinger	Wait, what? Oh the plastic.
David Clark	Yeah the plastic i've seen Dexter
David Clark	Yeah the plastic. I've seen Dexter.

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Kurt Buckman

You know, they should call you Motherfucker Over-Jones, to avoid confusion. Right? Dean 'MF' Jones: What's the confusion?

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Kelly	How much do you drink at theses parties?
Eric	A lot. It's kind of a social obligation.

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Kurt Buckman	Oh, and to answer your question, that was your wife.
Dave Harken	You fucked my wife?
Kurt Buckman	I fucked your wife!!
Kurt Buckman	I fucked your wife!

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Cam Brady	How does my hair look?
Mitch	Strong, real strong
Mitch	Strong, real strong.

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Kurt Buckman	What about you grandmother, "Booby"?
Kurt Buckman	What about you grandmother, 'Booby'?
Nick Hendricks	Gam Gam
Nick Hendricks	Gam Gam.

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Mitch

He just punched a baby.

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Bobby Pellit	Yo, dickwad! What the fuck?
Kurt Buckman	What?
Bobby Pellit	Three hours late. What's the deal?
Kurt Buckman	I was at your fathers funeral!
Bobby Pellit	Uh huh. Maybe that excuse would work if my dad was here, but, I'm in charge now.
Kurt Buckman	That excuse wouldn't make any sense if dad was still here.

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Kurt Buckman	We've been taking murder advice from someone whos biggest crime is... taping an Ethan Hawke movie!
Dean 'MF' Jones	So you do know the movie?

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Nick Hendricks	(During Nick's Intro) The only hitch: I work for this guy, David Harken, who right now is feeding me some fresh sh*t for being two minutes late. He's a total f*cking asshole.
Nick Hendricks	[during Nick's intro] The only hitch: I work for this guy, David Harken, who right now is feeding me some fresh sh*t for being two minutes late. He's a total f*cking asshole.
Dale Arbus	(During Dale's Intro) And it would've been the perfect job, if it weren't for one evil, crazy b*tch...D.D.S.
Dale Arbus	[during Dale's intro] And it would've been the perfect job, if it weren't for one evil, crazy b*tch...D.D.S.
Kurt Buckman	(During Kurt's Intro) And if the worst thing about this job is having to tolerate my boss' dipsh*t cokehead son, well, it's a small price to pay.
Kurt Buckman	[during Kurt's intro] And if the worst thing about this job is having to tolerate my boss' dipsh*t cokehead son, well, it's a small price to pay.

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Kurt	They should call u Motherf***er Over Jones to avoid confusion
Kurt	You know, they should call you... Motherfucker-over Jones to avoid confusion, right?

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Nick	(showing Nick's intro) My boss he's a TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLE.
Nick	[showing Nick's intro] My boss he's a TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLE.
Dale	(showing Dale's intro) My boss she's a EVIL CRAZY BITCH.
Dale	[showing Dale's intro] My boss she's a EVIL CRAZY BITCH.
Kurt	(showing Kurt's intro) My boss he's a DIPSHIT COKEHEAD SON.
Kurt	[showing Kurt's intro] My boss he's a DIPSHIT COKEHEAD SON.

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Dean 'MF' Jones	My name is Motherfucker Jones.
Kurt	Your first name is Mother Fucker?
Kurt	Your first name is...Motherfucker?

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Box	So she won't fuck fat dudes, but she will sleep with a guy whose face looks like it's covered in jizz.

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Eric	Take back what's been taken from us!

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Box	This isn't a moustache it's a time machine.
Box	This isn't a mustache, it's a time machine.

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Grace	Oh really? Today you left your computer on cockgobblers.com!
Grace	This morning you left the computer on gangbangfacebath.com!
Fred	I get my weather from that site...

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Kurt	You can't win a marathon without putting some bandaids on your nipples!

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Kurt	Tell you what, I'd like to bend her over a barrel and show her the fifty states, you know what I'm saying?

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Bobby Pellit	We need to trim some of the fat.
Kurt Buckman	What do you mean by trim the fat?
Bobby Pellit	I want you to fire the fat people. They're lazy and they're slow and they make me sad to look at. You can start with Large Marge.
Bobby Pellit	Marge can you come in here please?

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Dale	So you took the penis foods as an imitation of fuck her.
Kurt	No. I took her imitation of fuck her, as an imitation of fuck her.
Kurt	No. I took her invitation of fuck her, as an invitation of fuck her.

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Bobby Pellitt	You can fire Professor Xavier. Creeps me out, Rolling around all day in his special little secret chair.
Bobby Pellitt	You can fire Professor Xavier.
Kurt	You mean Hank.
Bobby Pellitt	Creeps me out, rolling around all day in his special little secret chair.

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Kurt	Your boss is so hot.
Kurt	Your boss is incredibly hot.
Dale	Don't talk about how hot she is.
Kurt	She makes herself a little snack. First, a popsicle. Then, a banana. And finally, a hot dog. And eating them in that weird order thats not a proper meal.
Kurt	She makes herself a little snack. A popsicle. A banana. And finally, a hot dog. And eating them in that weird order thats not a proper meal.
Nick	That's hot to cold.
Nick	That's cold to hot.
Nick	It's cold to hot.

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Grace	What is wrong with you two? you are completely obsessed with sex!
Grace	What the hell is wrong with you two? You are completely obsessed with sex!
Fred	Honey, obsess is a very strong word...
Grace	Oh yeah...? this morning you left the computer on "CockGobblers.com"
Fred	I...I...I... get my weather from that site....

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Kurt	What do you mean trim the fat?
Kurt	What do you mean by, 'trim the fat'?