Jason Sudeikis

And you're not asking basic questions.

There's no texting in soccer.

Where's your homework?

I don't have it.

Why not?

I didn't do it. I thought about doing it until I realized it would be a total waste of my time!

Wait, he's coming back.

Uh, did we win?

Could we get an ice pack for Hal?

Hey, Red! How are you?

Oh, I'm horrible!

There seems to be a recurring issue here, anger.

I don't have an anger issue, I think you got an anger issue. Are you aware that robe you are wearing isn't fooling anyone?

Pluck my life.

Something doesn't seem Kosher about these pigs.

You can't eat eggs!

What are ya gonna do? I'm a foodie.

I'm not blushing. I'm just red.

Eagle! Heron! Peacock! Warrior! Mountain! Tree! Rabbit! Fish! Locus! King pigeon! And of course, downward duck.

Yuck!

Drop your nuts and move your butts!

Yeah, when birds fly

Yeah, when birds fly.

Oh yeah, you make deer condoms, huh?

I see what's going on here, you're just a crazy person.

Lady, that's not yours to ruin!

When you start sleeping with someone you risk losing them.

You're a catch, you look great, a dynamite in a tank top.

Can we please go home, dry each other off with friction?

What's it all about?

America, Jesus, freedom.

If Nick and I were in a prison who do you think would be raped more??

Nick.

Nick, really? Huh.

I'd sure like to bend her over the barrel and show her 50 states.

Yeah, or send one of those damn text messages you're always sending out there, "Hey, it's me Casey, I'm not dead in a ditch, L-O-L, little picture of a fucking whale, hashtag yolo."

“Go buy some new clothes. You look like Eminem from 8 Mile.”

Go buy some new clothes. You look like Eminem from 8 Mile.

Fuck off, real life Flanders.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Well, I'm awake and I speak English, so, yeah, I do know what you're saying.

You had me steal from a Mexican drug lord!

It was kind of a dick move.

You got me moving enough weed to kill Willie fucking Nelson, man!

David Clark your a hard man to find take it easy on the plastic

David Clark, you're a hard man to find. Take it easy on the plastic.

Brad what the fuck is this look man I was going to call you back do not kill me I got robbed I swear.

Brad, what the fuck is this look? Man, I was going to call you back. Do not kill me, I got robbed I swear.

Wait what oh the plastic

Wait, what? Oh the plastic.

Yeah the plastic i've seen Dexter

Yeah the plastic. I've seen Dexter.

You know, they should call you Motherfucker Over-Jones, to avoid confusion. Right? Dean 'MF' Jones: What's the confusion?

How much do you drink at theses parties?

A lot. It's kind of a social obligation.

Oh, and to answer your question, that was your wife.

You fucked my wife?

I fucked your wife!!

I fucked your wife!

How does my hair look?

Strong, real strong

Strong, real strong.

What about you grandmother, "Booby"?

What about you grandmother, 'Booby'?

Gam Gam

Gam Gam.

He just punched a baby.

Yo, dickwad! What the fuck?

What?

Three hours late. What's the deal?

I was at your fathers funeral!

Uh huh. Maybe that excuse would work if my dad was here, but, I'm in charge now.

That excuse wouldn't make any sense if dad was still here.

We've been taking murder advice from someone whos biggest crime is... taping an Ethan Hawke movie!

So you do know the movie?

(During Nick's Intro) The only hitch: I work for this guy, David Harken, who right now is feeding me some fresh sh*t for being two minutes late. He's a total f*cking asshole.

[during Nick's intro] The only hitch: I work for this guy, David Harken, who right now is feeding me some fresh sh*t for being two minutes late. He's a total f*cking asshole.

(During Dale's Intro) And it would've been the perfect job, if it weren't for one evil, crazy b*tch...D.D.S.

[during Dale's intro] And it would've been the perfect job, if it weren't for one evil, crazy b*tch...D.D.S.

(During Kurt's Intro) And if the worst thing about this job is having to tolerate my boss' dipsh*t cokehead son, well, it's a small price to pay.

[during Kurt's intro] And if the worst thing about this job is having to tolerate my boss' dipsh*t cokehead son, well, it's a small price to pay.

They should call u Motherf***er Over Jones to avoid confusion

You know, they should call you... Motherfucker-over Jones to avoid confusion, right?

(showing Nick's intro) My boss he's a TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLE.

[showing Nick's intro] My boss he's a TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLE.

(showing Dale's intro) My boss she's a EVIL CRAZY BITCH.

[showing Dale's intro] My boss she's a EVIL CRAZY BITCH.

(showing Kurt's intro) My boss he's a DIPSHIT COKEHEAD SON.

[showing Kurt's intro] My boss he's a DIPSHIT COKEHEAD SON.

My name is Motherfucker Jones.

Your first name is Mother Fucker?

Your first name is...Motherfucker?

So she won't fuck fat dudes, but she will sleep with a guy whose face looks like it's covered in jizz.

Take back what's been taken from us!

This isn't a moustache it's a time machine.

This isn't a mustache, it's a time machine.

Oh really? Today you left your computer on cockgobblers.com!

This morning you left the computer on gangbangfacebath.com!

I get my weather from that site...

You can't win a marathon without putting some bandaids on your nipples!

Tell you what, I'd like to bend her over a barrel and show her the fifty states, you know what I'm saying?

We need to trim some of the fat.

What do you mean by trim the fat?

I want you to fire the fat people. They're lazy and they're slow and they make me sad to look at. You can start with Large Marge.

Marge can you come in here please?

So you took the penis foods as an imitation of fuck her.

No. I took her imitation of fuck her, as an imitation of fuck her.

No. I took her invitation of fuck her, as an invitation of fuck her.

You can fire Professor Xavier. Creeps me out, Rolling around all day in his special little secret chair.

You can fire Professor Xavier.

You mean Hank.

Creeps me out, rolling around all day in his special little secret chair.

Your boss is so hot.

Your boss is incredibly hot.

Don't talk about how hot she is.

She makes herself a little snack. First, a popsicle. Then, a banana. And finally, a hot dog. And eating them in that weird order thats not a proper meal.

She makes herself a little snack. A popsicle. A banana. And finally, a hot dog. And eating them in that weird order thats not a proper meal.

That's hot to cold.

That's cold to hot.

It's cold to hot.

What is wrong with you two? you are completely obsessed with sex!

What the hell is wrong with you two? You are completely obsessed with sex!

Honey, obsess is a very strong word...

Oh yeah...? this morning you left the computer on "CockGobblers.com"

I...I...I... get my weather from that site....

What do you mean trim the fat?

What do you mean by, 'trim the fat'?