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1/5
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Two of a Kind
(1983)
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Daniel Barnes
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It’s a movie forgotten by time, and I look forward to forgetting it myself.
Posted Nov 15, 2022
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3.5/5
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The Exorcist III
(1990)
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Daniel Barnes
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Blatty crafts a shockingly effective slow creep that is unfortunately undermined by an over-the-top fan service ending.
Posted Nov 03, 2022
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1/5
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Hocus Pocus
(1993)
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Daniel Barnes
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This sloppily written, egregiously unfunny Halloween comedy about three Stooges-esque witches somehow became a beloved holiday tradition.
Posted Oct 18, 2022
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3.5/5
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Strait-Jacket
(1964)
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Daniel Barnes
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Strait-Jacket is a middling Psycho meets Gaslight proto-slasher that telegraphs its plot twists more than Western Union. But it’s elevated by Joan Crawford’s remarkably possessed and highly physical turn as an ax murderess returning home from the asylum.
Posted Oct 08, 2022
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1/5
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The Next 365 Days
(2022)
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Daniel Barnes
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Endless, pointless and utterly lacking in any new story developments, The Next 365 Days offers even less than its vapid predecessors.
Posted Sep 21, 2022
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3/5
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Ryan's Babe
(2000)
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Daniel Barnes
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This dimwitted yet bizarrely Rohmer-ian road trip movie gets the conventions of filmmaking so wrong that it forces you to question the value and meaning of doing it right.
Posted Sep 21, 2022
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2/5
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Grunt! The Wrestling Movie
(1985)
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Daniel Barnes
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After an amusing first five minutes, the film quickly becomes a chore.
Posted Sep 21, 2022
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1/5
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An Alan Smithee Film: Burn, Hollywood, Burn
(1997)
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Daniel Barnes
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Joe Eszterhas’ lame, career-killing non-movie is 85 minutes of an over-validated, out-of-touch, inexplicably bitter screenwriter grinding an ax and making O.J. jokes.
Posted Aug 09, 2022
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1/5
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Let There Be Light
(2017)
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Daniel Barnes
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The film stars Kevin Sorbo as Sol Harkens, a world-famous atheist lecturer with all the stereotypical supermodel and sports car trappings of the anti-faith debate circuit.
Posted Jul 28, 2022
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1.5/5
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows
(2016)
|
Daniel Barnes
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This 2016 sequel is a big empty nothing constantly recapping its own empty nothingness.
Posted Jul 12, 2022
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1.5/5
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Saturn 3
(1980)
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Daniel Barnes
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The film assembles an amazing armada of above-the-line talent for a passionless, murky and uninspired Adam and Eve in space parable.
Posted Jun 28, 2022
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1.5/5
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Biker Boyz
(2003)
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Daniel Barnes
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This underdeveloped outline of a movie concerns motorcycle hustlers striving to become the “King of Cali” for reasons we can never know.
Posted Jun 14, 2022
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1/5
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365 Days: This Day
(2022)
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Daniel Barnes
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365 Days: This Day distances itself from the sex-trafficking-as-courtship ethos of its predecessor, yet somehow emerges as an even more loathsome and vapid entity.
Posted May 31, 2022
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2/5
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Viva Knievel!
(1977)
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Daniel Barnes
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Its as moth-eaten a movie as youll ever see, with only the messianic egomania of its star to differentiate it from a thousand other duds.
Posted May 03, 2022
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1/5
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The Crow: Wicked Prayer
(2005)
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Daniel Barnes
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A film that tries too hard while making no effort whatsoever, The Crow: Wicked Prayer concerns an ex-con tragically caught between wealthy Christian fundamentalist Aztec casino owners and Satanist miners. No, seriously, it does.
Posted Apr 21, 2022
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1/5
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Rabbit Test
(1978)
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Daniel Barnes
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Ostensibly about the world's first pregnant man, Rabbit Test is a grim comedy death jog through lazy ethnic humor and vulgar non-jokes that were already tired in 1978.
Posted Apr 06, 2022
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1/5
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The Wedding Planner
(2001)
|
Daniel Barnes
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A vehicle seemingly designed to seep all the appeal out of stars Jennifer Lopez and Matthew McConaughey.
Posted Mar 18, 2022
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1.5/5
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The Princess Switch
(2018)
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Daniel Barnes
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A movie designed to be half-watched while decorating Christmas trees or scrolling through Instagram feeds, The Princess Switch is made half-watchable by Hudgens alone.
Posted Mar 18, 2022
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1/5
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Jaws the Revenge
(1987)
|
Daniel Barnes
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Located a million light-leagues away from the elegant terror of Spielbergs 1975 classic, this fourth entry turns the shark into a standard-issue 1980s slasher villain.
Posted Mar 08, 2022
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1.5/5
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Stardust
(2020)
|
Daniel Barnes
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Loaded with glum flashbacks and facile psychoanalysis, Stardust tells the story of an interesting man in the least interesting manner imaginable.
Posted Feb 23, 2022
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1/5
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Fateful Findings
(2013)
|
Daniel Barnes
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It's as though Breen beamed this incomprehensible, egomaniacal, paranoid fever dream from an alien planet that studied human behavior but didn't pay attention.
Posted Jan 25, 2022
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1/5
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The Princess Switch: Switched Again
(2020)
|
Daniel Barnes
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It's like Christmas was projectile-vomited onto every inch of this movie.
Posted Dec 28, 2021
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1/5
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The Poison Rose
(2019)
|
Daniel Barnes
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An onslaught of private detective cliches crudely formed into a movie-like shape, The Poison Rose is filled with twists but bereft of surprises.
Posted Nov 30, 2021
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1.5/5
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Moment by Moment
(1978)
|
Daniel Barnes
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Moment by Moment announces its indifference and ineptitude in the opening moments and then reinforces it over the next several thousand moments.
Posted Nov 16, 2021
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1.5/5
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Skullduggery
(1979)
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Daniel Barnes
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Pointless beyond comprehension, Skullduggery concerns a malicious game within a game within a muddy and witless non-horror movie. It's just a series of nonsensical things happening in the most uncompelling manner possible.
Posted Oct 26, 2021
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3/5
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Dude Bro Party Massacre III
(2015)
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Daniel Barnes
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It's disjointed, overloaded, and often forced and obvious, with a high volume of jokes and a low connect rate, but there are enough real laughs to make it recommendable.
Posted Oct 12, 2021
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1/5
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Old Fashioned
(2014)
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Daniel Barnes
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Director-writer-producer Swartzwelder stars as Clay, an intensely unlikeable, old-fashioned old fascist with serious serial killer vibes.
Posted Sep 28, 2021
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1/5
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Cosmic Sin
(2021)
|
Daniel Barnes
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This brain-dead space opera stars Willis as a fading star who refuses to do second takes or give a fart.
Posted Sep 14, 2021
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3/5
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Mogul Mowgli
(2020)
|
Daniel Barnes
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Ahmed as Zed is good, but I'm not sure that he's rapping so much as reciting slam poetry, which is bad.
Posted Sep 03, 2021
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1/5
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From Justin to Kelly
(2003)
|
Daniel Barnes
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The film stars American Idol contestants Justin Guarini and Kelly Clarkson as reality show hostages grimly going through the motions of a bland and brainless Spring Break musical.
Posted Aug 31, 2021
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2/5
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The Night House
(2020)
|
Daniel Barnes
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Sneaking up behind someone and kicking their ears in the balls does not a master of suspense make.
Posted Aug 20, 2021
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1/5
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Dancin' It's On!
(2015)
|
Daniel Barnes
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This hilariously inept Panama City Beach travelogue has good dancin' but bad everythin' else.
Posted Aug 17, 2021
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3/5
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Pig
(2021)
|
Daniel Barnes
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An intriguing blend of a John Wick-style revenge fable and a foodie travelogue unfortunately confined to a standard-issue indie therapy movie.
Posted Aug 08, 2021
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4/5
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Annette
(2021)
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Daniel Barnes
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Ultimately, Annette is uniquely Carax - consistently audacious, brutishly self-aware, sometimes too clever for its own good but frequently brilliant.
Posted Aug 06, 2021
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2.5/5
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Nine Days
(2020)
|
Daniel Barnes
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It emphasizes rules and explanations while churning out message-on-the-sleeve life lessons. Naturally, those lessons involve doing things like screaming into the void and feeling the sand between your toes because that's real living in movies like this.
Posted Aug 06, 2021
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1/5
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Jungle Cruise
(2021)
|
Daniel Barnes
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It's a moldy Indiana Jones knockoff clumsily sutured onto a rotting Pirates of the Caribbean knockoff.
Posted Jul 30, 2021
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1/5
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The Last Man
(2018)
|
Daniel Barnes
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A dreary, shapeless, grey-green, post-apocalyptic incel sex fantasy, The Last Man is a chore from start to finish.
Posted Jul 20, 2021
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1.5/5
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Black Widow
(2021)
|
Daniel Barnes
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Take out all the mindless bickering, pointless fight scenes, cutesy-poo Avengers references and tie-ins to future Disney+ TV series, and you're left with maybe 75 to 80 minutes of actual movie.
Posted Jul 08, 2021
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1/5
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Speed 2: Cruise Control
(1997)
|
Daniel Barnes
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Instead of action or suspense, Cruise Control delivers dumb comedy riddled with continuity errors and a complete lack of spatial-temporal logic.
Posted Jul 06, 2021
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3/5
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Zola
(2020)
|
Daniel Barnes
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While Zola is undeniably entertaining and often hypnotic, there is something unseemly about turning the true-life story of sex-trafficked teenagers into a glossy crime comedy.
Posted Jul 04, 2021
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4/5
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Crimson Gold
(2003)
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Daniel Barnes
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Crimson Gold opens with a single-shot jewel heist gone wrong, then circles back to the origin story of the misguided thieves. It may bear the trappings of a Tarantino knockoff, but Crimson Gold possesses an incisive naturalism that is pure Panahi.
Posted Jun 24, 2021
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3/5
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Spookies
(1987)
|
Daniel Barnes
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A go-for-broke 1980s horror buffet that offers some surprisingly good monster effects and some unsurprisingly abysmal acting and writing.
Posted Jun 22, 2021
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3/5
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Undine
(2020)
|
Daniel Barnes
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Beer is the best reason to see Undine, moving between vulnerability, sensuality, confusion and calculation, sometimes within the same scene.
Posted Jun 04, 2021
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2.5/5
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Riders of Justice
(2020)
|
Daniel Barnes
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It's like a Coen Brothers version of Death Wish, only directed with the sledgehammer touch of Peter Berg. I'm here for it if writer-director Anders Thomas Jensen goes for it, but while entertaining enough, Riders of Justice never settles on a lane.
Posted May 21, 2021
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1/5
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Ava
(2020)
|
Daniel Barnes
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The film is vacuous and unoriginal without any real style or point-of-view, while a strong ensemble cast makes no effort.
Posted May 11, 2021
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3.5/5
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About Endlessness
(2019)
|
Daniel Barnes
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About Endlessness has a drabber color palate and less of an epic scope than previous Andersson joints, but it continues his love of bleakly existentialist blackout sketches with Kubrick-ian compositions.
Posted Apr 28, 2021
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1.5/5
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The New Mutants
(2020)
|
Daniel Barnes
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Bland and pointless beyond belief, The New Mutants is two-thirds backstory monologues and one-third CGI-on-CGI fisticuffs. It wants to be so many things and ends up being absolutely nothing.
Posted Apr 27, 2021
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2.5/5
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Better Days
(2019)
|
Daniel Barnes
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A painfully self-serious, emo message-movie with a chaser of Chinese propaganda.
Posted Apr 22, 2021
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1.5/5
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Hercules in New York
(1970)
|
Daniel Barnes
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A movie seemingly devoid of second takes, this debut for 22-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger (née Strong) is a doggerel-filled, painfully unfunny, low-budget comedy set in Midnight Cowboy-era NYC.
Posted Apr 13, 2021
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1.5/5
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Runaway
(1984)
|
Daniel Barnes
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A wooden, cliched cop movie with the tiniest sliver of a sci-fi twist, Runaway stars Tom Selleck and Cynthia Rhodes and features Gene Simmons, cast against type as a sleazeball.
Posted Mar 30, 2021
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