Steve Martin

Car Rental Agent says: May I see you rental agreement?

Neal Page says: I threw it away.

Car Rental Agent says: Oh boy.

Neal Page says: Oh boy what?

Car Rental Agent says: You're fucked.

Car Rental Agent says: May I see your rental agreement?

Neal Page says: I threw it away.

Car Rental Agent says: Oh boy.

Neal Page says: Oh boy what?

Car Rental Agent says: You're fucked!

C. D. Bales says: Keep that guy away from my cocaine!

Lucky Day says: In a way, all of us has an El Guapo to face. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be *the actual* El Guapo!

Lucky Day says: Not so fast El Guapo! Or I'll pump you so full of lead you'll be using your dick for a pencil!

El Guapo says: What do you mean?

Lucky Day says: I don't know.

Jefe says: I think he means that if you...

El Guapo says: Shut up!

Roger Cobb says: Tell the truth, I kind a miss the old girl.

Edwina Cutwater says: Who are you calling old?!

Roger Cobb says: That's not funny, Ty.

Edwina Cutwater says: It is not Mr. Wattell. It is I.

Roger Cobb says: ...Edwina??

Tyrone Wattell says: Yeah. When you gave me that pitcher & told me to take care of it, I thought it was gin & drank some.

Roger Cobb says: Edwina, I gotta kiss you!

Tyrone Wattell says: That's MY side, stupid!

Davis says: That's part of your problem you know, you haven't seen enough movies; all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.

Davis says: I think if you talk about stuff, then maybe that takes the place of doing it.

Davis says: You're always talking about X but you're thinking about Y. Learn to talk about Y, forget about X. X is going to take care of itself.

Del Griffith says: I know you don't I? I'm usually very good with names, but I'll be damned if I haven't forgotten yours.

Neal Page says: You stole my cab.

Del Griffith says: I never stole anything in my life.

Neal Page says: I hailed a cab on Park Avenue this afternoon and, before I could get in it, you stole it.

Del Griffith says: You're the guy who tried to get my cab. I knew I knew you! You scared the bejesus out of me. Come to think of it - it was easy to get a cab during rush hour.

Neal Page says: Del, what are you still doing here? Why aren't you going home?

Del Griffith says: I... I don't have a home. Marie's been dead for eight years.

Screaming Driver says: Put your window down!

Neal Page says: He wants something.

Del Griffith says: Ah, he's probably drunk.

Screaming Driver says: You're going the wrong way!

Neal Page says: What?!

Del Griffith says: We were robbed!

Neal Page says: Do you think so?

Neal Page says: You're messing with the wrong guy!

Freddy Benson says: Go stand over there.

Janet Colgate says: Here?

Freddy Benson says: No, over by the bed. I want to see how far I can go.

Harris K. Telemacher says: [talking about the weather] This is L.A. What's gonna change?

Harris K. Telemacher says: This is L.A. What's gonna change?

Lucky Day says: We have a plan.

Carmen says: Yes, what is it??

Lucky Day says: First we break into El Guapo's fortress.

Carmen says: And that you've done, now what?

Lucky Day says: ...well we didn't really expect the first part of the plan to work so we really didn't think much about what we were going to do next. You really can't overplan these things.

Rigby Reardon says: Here's three bucks if you can get this cab to 46 Bay Court in ten minutes. [watches as the taxi speeds off]

Rigby Reardon says: Here's three bucks if you can get this cab to 46 Bay Court in ten minutes.

Rigby Reardon says: [running to another taxi] Follow that cab!

Rigby Reardon says: Follow that cab!

Rigby Reardon says: I always carry my harmonica: it's lighter than an accordion and more powerful than a sleeping pill.

Rigby Reardon says: Where'd you learn that?

Juliet Forrest says: At camp.

Rigby Reardon says: You learned that at girls' camp?

Juliet Forrest says: It's really for a snake bite, but I find it works for everything.

Vinnie Antonelli says: Nice day for a mow.

Harris K. Telemacher says: '"Is this the new cruelty?"'

Harris K. Telemacher says: Is this the new cruelty?

Freddy Benson says: I know somebody here! I met him on a train! His name... is... his name is... James. No. His name is... James Josephson. Lor. No, no, no. James Lawrence. LAWRENCE... Lawrence. Lawrence Fells. Lawrence Feings. Forest Lorenston. Low. Lars. LARS. Lawrence. Lawrence. Luch. Lawrence. Tuh. His name is James Jesenthon. Lawrence Fell. Lawrence Jesterton. LAWRENCE

Freddy Benson says: I've got culture coming out of my ass.

Freddy Benson says: [in a childlike voice] Oh, Lawrence! This is the happiest day of my life! I think my testicles are dropping!

Freddy Benson says: I didn't steal any money! She just saw me with another woman! You're French, you understand that!

Inspector Andre says: To be with another woman, that is French. To be caught, that is American.

Gil Buckman says: What say later, after the kids are asleep, I wear this outfit?

Car Rental Agent says: How may I help you?

Neal Page says: You can start by wiping that fucking dumbass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks. Then you can get me a fucking automobile. A fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick, four fucking wheels and a seat!

Car Rental Agent says: I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.

Neal Page says: And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile at my fucking face. I want a fucking car...right...fucking...now.

Del Griffith says: You play with your balls alot.

Del Griffith says: You play with your balls a lot.

Neal Page says: I do not play with my balls

Neal Page says: I do NOT play with my balls.

Del Griffith says: ha ha ha. Larry Bird doesn't do as much ball handling in one night as you do in an hour.

Del Griffith says: Larry Bird doesn't do as much ball-handling in one night as you do in an hour!

Neal Page says: Are you trying to start a fight?

Neal Page says: Are you trying to start a fight?

Del Griffith says: No. I'm simply stating a fact that's all. You fidget with your nuts alot.

Del Griffith says: No. I'm simply stating a fact. That's all. You fidget with your nuts a lot.

Acme VP Nitpicking says: What about the duck?

Mr. Chairman says: Extra crispy. (Bum bum bum)

Mr. Chairman says: Extra crispy. [bum bum bum]

Orin Scrivello D.D.S. says: What did I ever do to you?

Seymour Krelborn says: Nothing. It's what you did to her.

Orin Scrivello D.D.S. says: Her who?

Seymour Krelborn says: . . . . .

Seymour Krelborn says: ...

Orin Scrivello D.D.S. says: Oh, her.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau says: What?

Gilbert Ponton says: Nothing.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau says: You mean you didn't just say, "AAAHHHHHHH"?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau says: You mean you didn't just say, 'AAAHHHHHHH'?

Rigby Reardon says: My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face, and the slowly move her to the next room, maneuver her next to the bed, marry her and start the whoopee machine.

Neal Page says: ...Del? Why did you kiss my ear?

Del Griffith says: ...Why are you holding my hand?

Neal Page says: ...Where's your OTHER hand?

Del Griffith says: ...Between two pillows...

Neal Page says: ...Those aren't pillows!

Del Griffith says: Aaaaaahhh!

Del Griffith says: Neal: [riding in back of pickup truck in freezing cold] What do you think the temperature is? Del: One.

Neal Page says: [riding in back of pickup truck in freezing cold] What do you think the temperature is?

Taxi racer says: One.

Del Griffith says: One.

Navin Johnson says: Truck Driver Picking Up Navin: St. Louis? Navin R. Johnson: No, Navin Johnson.

Navin Johnson says: No, Navin Johnson.

Rigby Reardon says: My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face.

Rigby Reardon says: I hadn't seen a body put together like that since I'd solved the case of the Murdered Girl with the Big Tits.

Rigby Reardon says: Carlotta was the kind of town where they spell trouble T-R-U-B-I-L, and if you try to correct them, they kill you.

Orin Scrivello D.D.S. says: Aw shut up!Open Wide! Here I come!

Orin Scrivello D.D.S. says: Aw shut up! Open wide! Here I come!

Patty Bernstein says: [provocatively] You know what I wanna do?

Navin Johnson says: What's that?

Patty Bernstein says: Guess *your* weight. [starts squeezing on him everywhere]

Navin Johnson says: Hey, you're really trying to be accurate!

Navin Johnson says: Good Lord - I've heard about this - cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a God that would let this happen?

Navin Johnson says: [Navin recites some wisdom] Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it.

Navin Johnson says: For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex.

Ned Nederlander says: Chip-chip-chip-chip-chip-chip-chip-chip-chip-chip-chip-chip-chip... LONNEEEEEEEE! [fires pistol]

Lucky Day says: Farley-farley-farley-farley-farley-farley... Hafurrrrrrr... [fires pistol]

Dusty Bottoms says: Kinut, hoooooola widdle! Tas, habble... sohn. [accidentally shoots the Invisible Swordsman]

Lucky Day says: Oh, great. You killed the invisible swordsman!

Ned Nederlander says: [runs over to check] He's dead, all right.

Dusty Bottoms says: How was I supposed to know where he was?

Lucky Day says: You were supposed to fire up. *We* both fired *up*. [aside] It's like living with a six-year old.

Navin Johnson says: He hates these cans!

Dave says: But movies cost millions of dollars to make.

Bobby Bowfinger says: That's after gross net deduction profit percentage deferment ten percent of the nut. Cash, every movie cost $2,184.

Bobby Bowfinger says: Now that you and your colleagues here at Mindfu - , head have had a chance to think, what do you say?

Bobby Bowfinger says: [Interviewing Jiff for the movie] ... Would you be willing to cut your hair?

Bobby Bowfinger says: [Interviewing Jiff for the movie] Would you be willing to cut your hair?

Jiff Ramsey says: Well, yeah, but it would probably be better if someone else did it. I've had a few... accidents.

Brad Harris says: Of all courtship rituals in the animal kingdom, the most spectacular by far is that of the bald eagle. The male and female climb to dizzying heights and then ...join in free fall, plummeting toward earth, locked in each others embrace, separating only at the very last moment.

Stu Preissler says: God, I miss Edith.

Kenny Bostick says: Yeah, I kind of miss Jess.

Mr. Chairman says: [talking to DJ Drake] Now!,..This my friend, is the ACME train of death, which is not good news for your father!

Damien Drake says: [on TV screen] Don't worry about me son, I've gotten out of worse scrapes than this one!

Mr. Chairman says: You see, if the train of death doesn't kill him, then those crates of TNT will, not to mention the two ton anvil hanging over his head, and oh!,..Look, there's the pendulum of doom! What's the pendulum of doom doing there?! I did not order the pendulum of doom!? It's overkill! Get rid of it! [Wile E. Coyote quickly draws up the pendulum from above Damien Drake]

Navin Johnson says: You mean I'm going to stay this color??

Navin Johnson says: You mean I'm going to stay this color?

Navin Johnson says: Stan Fox: Damn these glasses. Navin R. Johnson: Yes, sir. [to the glasses] Navin R. Johnson: I damn thee.

Navin Johnson says: That Patty must be a sweet girl.

Navin Johnson says: First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.

Navin Johnson says: The new phone books are here! The new phone books are here!

Navin Johnson says: Theses cans are defective!

Stu says: "I can't miss the flight. There's not another one for a week."

Stu says: I can't miss the flight. There's not another one for a week.

Stu says: "January 1st I'm out of here."

Stu says: January 1st I'm out of here.

Hannah Stubbs says: And where did you learn to jump start a car?

Vinnie Antonelli says: I learned it in the army.

Barney Coopersmith says: You dont tip FBI men!

Vinnie Antonelli says: Sure you do!

Navin Johnson says: Speaking to Marie in bed while she sleeps] I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

Navin Johnson says: [speaking to Marie in bed while she sleeps] I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

Stu says: Am I nuts Edith?

Edith says: Are you asking me as a therapist, or as a wife?

Stu says: Which one is cheaper?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau says: What? What did you say?

Gilbert Ponton says: Nothing.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau says: You mean, you didn't just say: Stop the car, dear God, I beg of you, stop the car?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau says: You mean, you didn't just say: 'Stop the car, dear God, I beg of you, stop the car'?

Dolores Benedict says: Get those assholes off the porch! (about the hired-help, standing next to potted plants, awaiting the couple at the door to the Doctor's mansion.. )

Dolores Benedict says: Get those assholes off the porch! [about the hired-help, standing next to potted plants, awaiting the couple at the door to the Doctor's mansion]

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr says: huh! (laughs naievely).. They're called azeliahs...

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr says: Huh! [laughs naively] They're called azaleas.

Freddy Benson says: "May I go to the bathroom?"

Freddy Benson says: May I go to the bathroom?

Freddy Benson says: Excuse me. May I go to the bathroom first?

Lawrence Jamieson says: "Of course."

Lawrence Jamieson says: Of course.

Lawrence Jamieson says: Of course you may.

Freddy Benson says: "Thank you."

Freddy Benson says: Thank you.

Freddy Benson says: [after a pause, and with relief] Thank you.

Neal Page says: He says we're going the wrong way...

Neal Page says: He says we're going the wrong way.

Del Griffith says: Oh, he's drunk. How would he know where we're going?

Del Griffith says: Oh, he's drunk. How would he know where we're going?

Neal Page says: where's your other hand?

Neal Page says: Where's your other hand?

Del Griffith says: between two pillows.

Del Griffith says: Between two pillows.

Neal Page says: those aren't pillows!

Neal Page says: Those aren't pillows!

Orin Scrivello D.D.S. says: *yells* Is somebody talkin' to you?!

Orin Scrivello D.D.S. says: [yells] Is somebody talking to you?!

Audrey says: *says nervously* Oh, no....excuse me.

Audrey says: [says nervously] Oh, no...excuse me.

Orin Scrivello D.D.S. says: Excuse me what?!!

Orin Scrivello D.D.S. says: Excuse me what?!

Audrey says: Excuse me.....docta'.

Audrey says: Excuse me.....doctor.

Navin Johnson says: I was born a poor black child.

Orin Scrivello D.D.S. says: Your gonna be a Dentist!!