Manos: The Hands of Fate Reviews
1. The remake needs to be over-budget and directed by Michael Bay. It must have gratuitous special effects that add nothing to the plot nor the overall believability of the film. In fact, a failure to suspend of disbelief is a requirement just like the original.
2. The dialog from Hal Warren's screenplay cannot be changed under any circumstances.
3. The original failed to make the beginning of the film as boring as it really could have been. The landscape must not match any recognizable region of the US or Europe, and must nonsensically transition from temperate to desert in order to isolate the rule of isolation that should be the main theme of this film.
4. Because a reboot of this film would be set in the 21st Century, no cell phone nor satellite service is a must. However, whoever remakes this film should fail to capitalize on this and any other themes including seclusion, isolation, or loneliness. As tempting as it would be to any sensible person to explore the loneliness of Torgo's character, this easy opening to develop character needs to be avoided as it was in the original.
Michael has to be an idiot without being idiotic, he has to be condescending without emoting condescension, and he was to be unsurprisingly average without seeming to be overtly average nor inept. A younger Kevon Costner-type should have play this role.
The actress who plays Margaret should be billed as beautiful, but only has not look unattractive. Her character does not have to exude sexiness nor does it have to attract. Her job in the original and the remake is to be feminine. When Torgo hits on her awkwardly, she should not emote any reaction whatsoever except to eventually catch on that Torgo is making a pass at her. In fact, the less cerebral this scene is made, the better.
The child or dog can be any random child or dog-looking animal who can take simple direction (sit, stand, say something...). In fact, all they have to do is to fit the "lost thing" paradigm and there has to be some amount of sympathy for their having been lost or killed. These two roles can be played by any animal-like organism that would elicit some sense of loss of they were no longer there. The Second Unit production crew can handle filming their parts. As such, there's no need to cast anyone known for these two parts; the film's money should be wasted elsewhere.
The Master needs NOT to be played by a washed-up actor looking to rehabilitate their acting career -- any interesting backstory within the film or beyond the fourth wall would make the role and the film too compelling and interesting. In fact, the actor who plays the role of the really evil Master needs to be less interesting in person than they appear in the painting Michael and Margaret encounter shortly after entering the dwelling.
In an era or Political Correctness, Torgo cannot be handicapped. That's not a bad thing because any handicap would make a case for a meaningful backstory. Torgo has to be just odd and just odd should suffice. Any more than that would make would diminish his meager backstory (the only meaningful backstory in the original film) of being infatuated with the Master's wives. That is the driver of this film: not the sense of isolation, not what made him have intensely swollen and misshapen legs, not the fact that he strange accent which might make it interesting if we found out he was was somewhere else, or event the fact that he carries a staff. Its my belief that Torgo is should really treated Radagast from the "Lord of the Rings" books and not the fully-developed version Peter Jackson developed in "The Hobbit." Just some guy in brown (or khaki) with a hat and a staff who bathes infrequently and isn't from around those parts. That's being generous and maybe too much so.
Megan Fox needs to chick who makes out with the guy who gets caught like 2 or 3 times by the police. The officer should be Sting because his English accent makes the "small-town cop" vibe more believable if you are on intense medications and because I think Sting should do more small-bit parts in more meaningless films.
Mark Wahlberg should be NOT be the dude making out with her and ANY song by Marky-Mark and the Funky Bunch SHOULD NOT be playing on the radio whilst kissing and drinking Robitussin cough syrup is done hedonistically yet without abandon. The Hedonistic-without-Abandon is a MUST, Megan Fox is a must, and the dude should be one of the lesser-known Baldwin Brothers trying to pass himself off as being 20 years younger and yet serious.
Yep. That about sums it up.