Philip Seymour Hoffman

I will be dying and so will you, and so will everyone here. That's what I want to explore. We're all hurtling towards death, yet here we are for the moment, alive. Each of us knowing we're going to die, each of us secretly believing we won't.

On her knees at church begging Jesus, Mary, Joseph and every goddamned saint in heaven to forgive her for giving birth to Cruella de Fag. And being a slave to my father before he died. You would have loved each other. He thought Archie Bunker was a flaming Liberal.

You could never be as stupid as I think you are.

What are you, channeling Jesse Helms?

If you leave me now, in the next life you will be my sworn enemy. And I will show you no mercy.

What honor do you have?

You did a hell of a job for the son of a soda pop maker.

"We'll see", said the Zen master.

Hazel, what do you think of this title? Unknown, Unkissed and Lost?

You are my friend, my only friend.

Fuck you. You're a pervert. Think you can be a pervert and not pay for it?

Thank you. I was gonna do a grievous thing.

Dr Bernard Hazelhof says it is good to have goals but not stupid ones like mine.

This is the revolution, and you are the mockingjay.

This is the revolution and you are the Mockingjay.

How's the peeping Tommy

How's the peeping, Tommy

How's the peeping, Tommy?

Her entire species must be... eradicated.

Her entire species must be eradicated.

Her species, sir?

The other victors. Because of her, they all pose a threat. Because of her, they all think they're invincible.

Her entire species must be eradicated.

Her species, sir?

The other victors. Because of her, they all pose a threat. Because of her, they all think they're invisible.

The other victors. Because of her, they all pose a threat. Because of her, they all think they're invincible.

(on Katniss Everdeen) She has become a big kind of hope for them. She has to be eliminated. What do you think?

She has become a big kind of hope for them. She has to be eliminated. What do you think?

I agree. She should die, but in the right way and the right time.

Jurors are outstanding members of the community who haven't murdered anybody.

Did you know that turtles can breathe through their anuses?

What do you do?

I am a writer, a doctor, a nuclear physicist and a theoretical philosopher. But above all, I am a man, a hopelessly inquisitive man, just like you.

What happened in the rectory?

Happened?

Hmm.

Nothing happened, I had a talk with the boy.

What about?

Private matter.

He's twelve years old, what could be private?

I would like to talk to you today about cold feet, and narrow minds. People with cold feet cannot move forward. People with narrow minds cannot move side to side.

Are you thoughtless in your remarks?

No.

Is your life a struggle?

Is your behavior erratic?

Are you unpredictable?

[farts and laughs]

What a horrible young man you are. This is acting like an animal. A dirty animal that eats its own feces when hungry.

Double or nothing?

Your fear of capture and imprisonment is from millions of years ago. You are not there. You are asleep.

They made you feel cool. And hey, I met you. You are not cool.

I know. Even when I thought I was, I knew I wasn't. I'm glad you were home.

I'm always home. I'm uncool.

"I want to get you on a slow boat to China, all by yourself, alone."

I want to get you on a slow boat to China, all by yourself, alone.

I have unlocked, and discovered, a secret. A secret to living in these bodies that we hold.

If we are not helping him, then it is we who have failed him.

If we are not helping him, then it is we who are failing him.

Leave your worries for a while. They'll be here when you get back.

Leave your worries for a while. They'll be there when you get back.

"...and I will never get over it."

...and I will never get over it.

If we meet again, in the next life, you will be my sworn enemy and I will show you no mercy.

If you figure out a way to live without a master, any master, be sure to let the rest of us know, for you would be the first in the history of the world.

What we will do now will urge you toward existence.

What we will do now will urge you toward existence, within a group, a society, a family.

You CANNOT make friends with the rock stars. That's what's important. If you're a rock journalist - first, you will never get paid much. But you will get free records from the record company. And they'll buy you drinks, you'll meet girls, they'll try to fly you places for free, offer you drugs... I know. It sounds great. But they are not your friends. These are people who want you to write sanctimonious stories about the genius of the rock stars, and they will ruin rock and roll and strangle everything we love about it.

Man is not an animal. We are not a part of the ANIMAL kingdom.

Where's your compassion?

Nowhere you can get at it

Nowhere you can get at it.

Hey! Look at this! This is a good saw.

It's not yours. You take it, you make us another enemy. You are a Christian- don't you know your commandments?

You'll find the good Lord very flexible on the subject of property. We could do a lot with this saw...

You know, those child breeding hips...

[Nods and smiles]

[nods and smiles]

You seem so familiar to me.

Wha what do you do?

Yeah, what do you do?

I am a writer, a doctor, a nuclear physicist, a theoretical philosopher... but above all I am a man. Hopelessly Inquisitive man, just like you.

I do many, many things. I am a writer, a doctor, a nuclear physicist, a theoretical philosopher, but, above all, I am a man. A hopelessly inquisitive man, just like you.

Of course I'm home. I'm uncool.

I cannot understand how being honest can be.... improper

I cannot understand how being honest can be... improper.

I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars.

Ah... Ha... ha... HA! Yes, we're all very fond of her.

Brandt can't watch, though. Or it's an extra hundred.

Okay... just give me a minute. I gotta go find a cash machine...

The reason I forgive you is because you are not perfect. You are imperfect. And so am I. All humans are imperfect. Even the man outside my apartment who litters. When I was young, I wanted to be anybody but myself. Dr. Bernard Hasselhoff said if I was on a desert island, then I would have to get used to my own company. Just me… and the coconuts. He said I would have to accept myself: my warts and all. And that we don’t get to choose our warts. They are a part of us and we have to live with them. We can however, choose our friends. And I am glad I have chosen you. Dr. Bernard Hasselhoff also said that everyone’s lives are like a very long sidewalk. Some are well paved. Others, like mine, have cracks, banana skins and cigarette butts. Your sidewalk is like mine, but probably not as many cracks. Hopefully, one day our sidewalks will meet and we can share a can of condensed milk. You are my best friend. You are my only friend.

I will be dying and so will you, and so will everyone here. That's what I want to explore. We're all hurtling towards death, yet here we are for the moment, alive. Each of us knowing we're going to die, each of us secretly believing we won't.

When I was young, I invented an invisible friend called Mr Ravioli. My psychiatrist says I don't need him anymore, so he just sits in the corner and reads.

LET IT RAIN!!!!

LET IT RAIN!

Best Man is in the house. (Slips and falls)

Best Man is in the house. [slips and falls]

RAIN DROPS!!!!

RAIN DROPS!

OLD SCHOOL!!!

OLD SCHOOL!

RAINDANCE!!!

RAIN DANCE!

Do you agree with this?

100% Do you want the door open or closed?

100 percent. Do you want the door open or closed?

Im such an Idiot!!!!!!!!!

I'm such an idiot!

Frogs are falling from the sky.

I plan on broadcasting from this boat till the day i die......and a few days after that."

I plan on broadcasting from this boat till the day I die... and a few days after that.

Where's your compassion?

Nowhere you can get at it.

You have no right to act on your own. You have taken vows; obedience being one. You answer to us. You have no right to step outside the church

You have no right to act on your own. You have taken vows; obedience being one. You answer to us. You have no right to step outside the church.

I will step outside the church! If that's what needs to be done, though the door should shut behind me, I will do what needs to be done!

...and Ida, I am going to go take a shit.

did u spank her

yeah i tried but i dont think she liked it

well... some women find it offensive

i just sharted

I just sharted.

i dont know what that means

I don't know what that means.

i tried to fart and a little shit came out i sharted alright now lets go

I tried to fart and a little shit came out. I just sharted. Now let's go.

Unfortunately, in America, babies are not found in cola cans. I asked my mother when I was four, and she said they came from eggs laid by rabbis. If you aren't Jewish, they're laid by Catholic nuns. If you're atheist, they're laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes.

Unfortunately, in America, babies are not found in cola cans. I asked my mother when I was four, and she said they came from eggs laid by rabbis. If you aren't Jewish, they're laid by Catholic nuns. If you're an atheist, they' re laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes.

You sure I'm your son!

Dude, No. This is serious, I just sharted.

Dude, no. This is serious. I just sharted.

You wanna be a true friend to them? Be honest, and unmerciful.

The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone else when we're uncool.

I can fight you.

You will lose.

It doesn't matter what you thought, it matters what you did, it matters what you didn't do.

It doesn't matter what you thought. It matters what you did. It matters what you didn't do.

You're a prick.

I always was.

You don't look happy. Mind if I call you "Groucho"?

No, I don't mind.

In a bathtub, I imagined I was with you.

You took a bath?

Don't worry, I'm a good swimmer.

I knew you'd be good.

Do you have a favourite-sounding word? My top-five are "ointment," "bumblebee," "Vladivostok," "banana," and "testicle."