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C-
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The Little Mermaid
(2023)
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Ryan Syrek
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Maybe in 30 years, when they do an animated remake of the live-action remake of the animated film, we’ll get a movie as brave as Ariel’s potential message and as entertaining as Bailey clearly is.
Posted May 26, 2023
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F
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Fast X
(2023)
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Ryan Syrek
|
“Fast X” is dumb, ugly, and awkward. It is goofy in the bad way, not goofy in the awesome way or goofy in the “Gawrsh!” way, either of which would have been better.
Posted May 19, 2023
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D
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Master Gardener
(2022)
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Ryan Syrek
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Asking what steps are truly necessary to go from a Third Reich enthusiast to “okay dude” is actually a space in which art could grow, as if it were springtime for Hitler. This simply ain’t it.
Posted May 12, 2023
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C-
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Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3
(2023)
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Ryan Syrek
|
As a fan of Cronenbergian body horror, is it hypocritical to find “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3” repulsive for its copious CGI animal torture? No! Because fuzzy creatures didn’t invent genocide, Twitter, or the 50-hour work week.
Posted May 05, 2023
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A-
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Beau Is Afraid
(2023)
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Ryan Syrek
|
The absolute best part of “Beau Is Afraid” is doing the homework necessary to understand it. If that’s a turnoff, it makes total sense. But parsing the symbolism is the fun, if you’re so inclined.
Posted Apr 28, 2023
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C-
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Evil Dead Rise
(2023)
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Ryan Syrek
|
Featuring big ole buckets of human goo and overt Freudian grotesqueries, “Evil Dead Rise” is presumably someone’s cup of blood-steeped tea. I just don’t get it. Like, at all…
Posted Apr 21, 2023
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D
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Renfield
(2023)
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Ryan Syrek
|
“Renfield” had more than promise. It had a Nicolas-Nicholas sandwich filled with gore and whatever I think “camp” is. Alas, just as vampires can’t eat human food, no humans should devour this vampire feast.
Posted Apr 14, 2023
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B-
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Air
(2023)
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Ryan Syrek
|
If you can get past the smooch to capitalism, the nearly-MJ-free MJ-centric plot, and race-based issues, you will find a punchy anecdote about one time a guy made a lot of money, reenacted partly by Viola Davis. You could do worse, is what I’m saying.
Posted Apr 07, 2023
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A-
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Lovely Jackson
(2022)
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Ryan Syrek
|
It’s not “okay” because Rickey is now okay. This is grotesque. This is horror. This is the worst of which humanity is capable. The film is, perhaps, a bit too lovely. It is, perhaps, a bit too taken by the notion of forgiveness. But it is absolutely vital
Posted Mar 31, 2023
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A-
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Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves
(2023)
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Ryan Syrek
|
Like smoking reefer and pleasurable physical contact, D&D was once seen as a gateway for Satan to turn us into sock puppets. Now the role-playing experience is being reimagined as a big-budget gateway for executives to turn us into sock puppets. Progress!
Posted Mar 31, 2023
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A-
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John Wick: Chapter 4
(2023)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
The stupidity makes this murderverse so fun. Everyone is constantly doing death to everyone else, but then somebody is like “Ah, ah, ah! You forgot the rules.” And everybody suddenly stops what they’re doing, like when moms walk in on a sibling brawl.
Posted Mar 24, 2023
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D+
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Shazam! Fury of the Gods
(2023)
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Ryan Syrek
|
Another “heroes saving people on a bridge” scene? More “superhero who doubts his worthiness” existentialism? Additional Zachary Levi? These are things that nearly no one has requested, demanded, or can enjoy.
Posted Mar 17, 2023
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B+
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Scream VI
(2023)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
Are there people who vividly remember the events of “Scream 4?” Can anyone recall which characters Anna Paquin, Kristen Bell, Mariska Hargitay, and Allison Brie played in that movie? Here’s a test: Did you know that Mariska Hargitay wasn’t in “Scream 4?”
Posted Mar 10, 2023
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B
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Creed III
(2023)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
The punches pop, the franchise feels freer without Stallone’s shadow, and Majors masters melodrama yet again. Next time I see him, I better be encouraged to cheer for him, because I’m gonna do it anyway.
Posted Mar 03, 2023
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B+
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The Civil Dead
(2023)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
Clay Tatum and Whitmer Thomas have made a low-fi, high-concept “comedy” so dry as to be dehydrated. It is funny. You will laugh. Right up until you don’t. Then you will retroactively question what it says about you that you were laughing earlier.
Posted Feb 24, 2023
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C+
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Ant-Man and The Wasp: Quantumania
(2023)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
Nothing in “Quantumania” is outright bad. I’d watch it a hundred thousand times before watching “Avatar 2” ever again. Nobody tell James Cameron I said that. He’s got “Make that guy disappear” money for sure now...
Posted Feb 17, 2023
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C-
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Knock at the Cabin
(2023)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
Allowing someone with Shyamalan's filmography to answer “Should gay people make further sacrifices for the greater good?” is like asking Tony Romo his thoughts on Kierkegaard.
Posted Feb 03, 2023
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B-
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Infinity Pool
(2023)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
It’s a mixed bag filled to the brim with grotesqueries, like a Ziploc full of eyeballs and breast milk. If that image alone was too much, consider it your litmus test for avoiding this one.
Posted Jan 27, 2023
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B+
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Skinamarink
(2022)
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Ryan Syrek
|
I don’t think it’s possible for me to like “Skinamarink.” I don’t. I won’t. Ever. But I think it’s good. Maybe even very good. Maybe even something legitimately special. This went from an F- reaction to a, well, you can see.
Posted Jan 20, 2023
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D
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Plane
(2023)
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Ryan Syrek
|
“Plane” is, unquestionably, a profoundly stupid name. It is also all that was available. This script does not operate with adjectives. You cannot find a defining moment or characteristic. I tried to think of a better name, and I truly, genuinely couldn’t.
Posted Jan 13, 2023
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B+
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M3GAN
(2022)
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Ryan Syrek
|
An R-rated version would have been 90 minutes composed of what is only the glorious last 30 minutes here. Please let the sequel, “M3GAN2” or “M32GAN” or “MIIGAN” or whatever, go for the gory glory and let Small Wonder go full Cronenberg.
Posted Jan 06, 2023
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B-
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Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
This one is as advertised: A retelling of a fairly inert fable infused with all the good, bad, and gothically macabre of GDT, intended for kids but not really. Is that what somebody out there was looking to watch?
Posted Dec 23, 2022
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C-
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Avatar: The Way of Water
(2022)
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Ryan Syrek
|
The technical achievements of the Avatar franchise are so often celebrated, as if cinema can (or should) be stripped down for parts. A proof of concept for computer animation isn’t a quality film any more than a Twitter bot is a viable political candidate
Posted Dec 16, 2022
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A
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Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
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It is deadly fun and games at the expense of the new American elite. It is 86ing the 1%, and it is 100 times more entertaining that you could imagine.
Posted Dec 09, 2022
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D
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The Fabelmans
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
I’m in a weird, overlapping spot of being really, truly thrilled that the film exists and really, truly just despising most of the film itself.
Posted Dec 02, 2022
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B+
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The Menu
(2022)
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Ryan Syrek
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Like a dumber, drunken Midsommar, instead of insights into trauma/romantic vs communal love, it stumbles and slurs its words, yelling “No, you know what? You’re ALL jerks!” It’s not wrong… It’s fun to hear sloppy rants about obvious injustices sometimes.
Posted Nov 18, 2022
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C+
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Black Panther: Wakanda Forever
(2022)
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Ryan Syrek
|
It is a convoluted and tangled, well-intended jumble that is punctuated with out-of-place set pieces, every bit of which works individually while failing to congeal into a whole. It is almost as forgivably flawed as a broken human heart. Almost...
Posted Nov 11, 2022
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A+
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The Banshees of Inisherin
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
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It is a wailing warning about how any of us may react when faced with the dull, stupid absurdity of our lives and the increasingly shrinking certainty of a collective future.
Posted Nov 04, 2022
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B
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Anonymous Club
(2021)
|
Ryan Syrek
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The whole thing plays like a stream of consciousness meditation on the responsibilities of stardom, the imperfectness of advocates, and damn good music.
Posted Oct 28, 2022
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F
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Black Adam
(2022)
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Ryan Syrek
|
Dwayne wants to see himself as a vigilante superhero with Godlike powers. So now I have to review “Black Adam,” which is two hours of noise and lights vaguely in the shape of a movie.
Posted Oct 21, 2022
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A
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Hellraiser
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
I have no idea what it says about me that I sincerely loved every second, but nobody ask Clive Barker.
Posted Oct 07, 2022
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C-
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Smile
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
“Smile” feels like listening to someone shout the “hidden meaning” of a knock-knock joke. “YOU GET IT? BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO SAY BANANA AGAIN! BUT I SAID ORANGE, WHICH IS A DIFFERENT KIND OF FRUIT!”
Posted Sep 30, 2022
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D-
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Don't Worry Darling
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
Florence Pugh's generational talent is a resource more finite than fossil fuels, albeit requiring fewer dino deaths. I’d straight-up shank a stegosaurus to give her a mulligan on director Olivia Wilde’s wannabe speculative fiction thriller.
Posted Sep 23, 2022
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A
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The Woman King
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
It is “Gladiator” or “Braveheart” but with a better lead and improved action. It is, hilariously, also almost a direct mirror of the plot from “Top Gun: Maverick.” Yet, for some reason, big fans of that movie aren’t as vocal proponents of this one…
Posted Sep 16, 2022
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A-
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Barbarian
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
Like jellybeans, Nyquil, and scented pencil erasers, everybody has a favorite flavor of horror. Mine are coconut, cherry, grape, and “Oh God. Oh no. You idiot. Run, you absolute fool.” That last one, of course, being my preferred Nyquil.
Posted Sep 09, 2022
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B
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Breaking
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
At its core is a performance that would be an automatic Oscar nomination, if John Boyega’s family didn’t hail from Nigeria but from, say, Casey Affleck’s part of Boston.
Posted Sep 02, 2022
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B
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Three Thousand Years of Longing
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
After the impossible majesty of “Fury Road,” George Miller could legally do whatever he wanted, including claiming any of the 50 United States. He chose to make a sleepy meta-fairy tale with Tilda Swinton instead. You really lucked out this time, Nevada.
Posted Aug 26, 2022
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C+
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My Old School
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
Some stories are best savored, gently rolled in the mouth like hard (brain) candy, until the last bits of flavor become taste ghosts. Others are just really baller Wikipedia entries. “My Old School” is more of the latter than the former.
Posted Aug 19, 2022
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B-
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Bodies Bodies Bodies
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
Is it liberating satire to watch caricature characters get scolded and mutilated because they are privileged and self-obsessed? Or is it unclever “cringe” comedy that punches down at the follies of today’s youth simply because they are different follies?
Posted Aug 12, 2022
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C
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Bullet Train
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
“Bullet Train” feels like an adaptation of a dream dreamt by a college bro studying finance who tells you how he’s “super into Asian chicks” the very first time you meet him.
Posted Aug 05, 2022
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B+
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Fire of Love
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
Centering their grim fate allows a more complex reading of their lives and choices. Were they quasi-heroic explorers? Adrenaline junkies who loved silly hats? Reckless fame seekers? Hopeless romantics? Excessively French?
Posted Jul 29, 2022
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A
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Nope
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
Nope is impeccably acted, meticulously paced, and resplendent with bold visual nonsense. Peele’s “Twilight Zone” may be dead, but his leveraging of Serling's sensibilities into mainstream fiction continues that franchise’s legacy better than any reboot.
Posted Jul 22, 2022
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B-
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The Gray Man
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
Saved only by its relentless pace, Gosling’s smarm, and Evans’s bluster, it is basically “Stupid John Wick.” Please note: John Wick is not a MENSA member.
Posted Jul 15, 2022
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C
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Thor: Love and Thunder
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
“Love and Thunder” is nowhere near an unpleasant flop so much as it is just half-inert. Expecting the exhilaration of “Ragnarok” would be unfair, but nobody should ask for Diet Coke and get a glass of ranch dressing. Oh, we’ll still drink it…
Posted Jul 08, 2022
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A
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Neptune Frost
(2021)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
Somewhere between an overlong music video and a LiveJournal post, between a protest song and a rock anthem, “Neptune Frost” is a unique jam, a scream modulated to a better sound. Imagining hell is a privilege, and so is watching this.
Posted Jul 01, 2022
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F-
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The Black Phone
(2021)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
The ending involves a “reveal” that is the absolute dumbest thing I’ve heard in years, and I just saw “Jurassic World: Dominion.” It is a boring, ugly, stupid film that I regret having seen.
Other than that, A+.
Posted Jun 24, 2022
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B-
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Lightyear
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
Pixar used to gut you, remember? It used to stab your heart and make you feel in a raw, real way. Other than “Cars.” This one seems to say “I don’t know, maybe giving up is good?” Pixar, do you need a hug?
Posted Jun 17, 2022
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F
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Jurassic World Dominion
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
Filled with consistently great performers and Chris Pratt, maybe the most unexpected thing is how turgid and inert the whole cast is here. You can dress dinosaurs in shoddy CGI all you want, but how dare you make Dame Laura Dern seem awkward?!
Posted Jun 10, 2022
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B-
|
Crimes of the Future
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
I would have loved to see a movie that had something more to say. But I’ll be thinking about this one for months, whereas I already can’t remember most of the codenames in “Top Gun: Maverick” already. I want to say one of them was “Narwhal” or something?
Posted Jun 03, 2022
|
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C
|
Top Gun: Maverick
(2022)
|
Ryan Syrek
|
This is basically just escapist authoritarian porn for white dads. If it were a sports movie, the 60-year-old coach of the football team would be called out of retirement to quarterback the Super Bowl.
Posted May 27, 2022
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