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C
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Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
(2014)
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Mark Ramsey
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'Maybe we should have recruited the audience,' said Chris Pine, 'because all I see out there are shadows.'
Posted Jan 25, 2014
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F
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Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones
(2014)
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Mark Ramsey
|
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones is written and directed by Christopher Landon, son of Michael Landon, whose Little House on the Prairie pantry must have been stocked full of a very small number of original ideas and a large quantity of fine weed.
Posted Jan 25, 2014
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D
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Thor: The Dark World
(2013)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
'Inside her is a relic that predates the universe,' says Anthony Hopkins. 'And we don't mean Michael Douglas.'
Posted Nov 13, 2013
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C
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Ender's Game
(2013)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
Harrison Ford looks less likely to chase aliens and more likely to chase those young whippersnappers off his lawn.
Posted Nov 04, 2013
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F
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Riddick
(2013)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
Riddick! Because one name says it all - and not nearly enough - all at the same time! Riddick! Because "Riddikulous" has too many syllables.
Posted Sep 09, 2013
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B-
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The Wolverine
(2013)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
'If you were as sick as I am,' said the old Japanese man propped up on a bed of hydraulic pistons, 'your oncologist would be a supermodel too - in a school-girl costume with braids and in need of a spanking!'
Posted Aug 01, 2013
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D
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Pacific Rim
(2013)
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Mark Ramsey
|
As I watched Pacific Rim I could literally feel myself shedding IQ points the way Kate Hudson sheds a big lunch in the bathroom of the Beverly Hills Hotel.
Posted Jul 16, 2013
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B
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Iron Man 3
(2013)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
And so was born Iron Man 3, featuring the further exploits of the only superhero who is not dishwasher-safe.
Posted May 05, 2013
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C+
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Oz the Great and Powerful
(2013)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
It's Mila Kunis! And she's dressed like she took the wrong tornado on the way to F. Scott Fitzgerald.
Posted Mar 17, 2013
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F
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Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
(2013)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
What's next, 'The Old Woman who lives in the Shoe - with Shoulder-Fired Rocket Launchers?'
Posted Jan 29, 2013
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C
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Mama
(2013)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
As Jessica gradually decides the girls are lovely examples of childhood in full bloom rather than cootie-carrying carpet vermin, the ghostly CG manifestation called "Mama" gets jealous. And Hell hath no fury like a CG manifestation scorned!
Posted Jan 21, 2013
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D
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Texas Chainsaw
(2013)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
"Let's all take our bare bellies to Texas! Maybe we can have someone mesquite barbecue our own ribs - the ones we haven't had surgically removed, I mean'
Posted Jan 06, 2013
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B
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Zero Dark Thirty
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
When you hear boots marching up your stairs, that guy who whispers "Osama, Osama" - It's not because you need to sign for a UPS package!
Posted Jan 02, 2013
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A
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Les Misérables
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
Judging from the title I expected Les Miserables to be in French - so imagine my delight when I realized that this was the corner of Paris where every peasant in Britain lives! Chez blimey!
Posted Dec 24, 2012
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D
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The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
Ah yes, the Volturi, who come dressed for battle like they're being photographed for a Dutch Masters cigar box.
Posted Nov 18, 2012
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A
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Skyfall
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
'Wait a minute, did I just walk in on The Man with the Golden Groin?' asks Bond. 'I was going for Thunderballs,' says Bardem, 'but let's settle on yours!'
Posted Nov 11, 2012
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F
|
Silent Hill: Revelation
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
Radha Mitchell visits Sean Bean in a mirror cameo. 'Do I look fat in this mirror?' Radha asked. 'I wouldn't know,' quipped Sean. 'This movie isn't reflecting well on anybody.'
Posted Oct 29, 2012
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D
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Paranormal Activity 4
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
At this point, Katie is to the Paranormal Activity franchise what Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer is to Christmas.
Posted Oct 22, 2012
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D
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Sinister
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
We begin with old Super 8 footage of a family hanging from a tree which is either a terrible tragedy or a natural outcome of the average Disney vacation.
Posted Oct 15, 2012
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D
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Taken 2
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
When Liam wants to kill the bad guys he just wraps his schvantz around their necks and strangles them to death.
Posted Oct 07, 2012
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D
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The Possession
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
Kyra Sedgwick is in this movie, meaning it's two degrees of Kevin Bacon and even fewer degrees of terrible.
Posted Sep 03, 2012
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D
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Total Recall
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
Len Wiseman and Kate Beckinsale are the Lucy and Desi of overstuffed action/adventure movies.
Posted Aug 11, 2012
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|
A
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The Dark Knight Rises
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
Fueled by a diet of oxygen garnished with hydrogen, Anne Hathaway slices through bad guys like paper through rock and scissors. 'Wilst thou grant me one Tic Tac, O grumbling gut!'
Posted Jul 21, 2012
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B
|
The Amazing Spider-Man
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
Enter Peter Parker and the biggest hair this side of Kid 'n Play.
Posted Jul 08, 2012
|
|
B
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Battleship
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
The best part of Battleship's lackluster opening is that it immediately puts other game-based projects into turnaround: Easy Bake Oven: Apocalypse and My Pretty Pony: Rise of the Lycans, I'm talking to you.
Posted May 28, 2012
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C
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Dark Shadows
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
I knew we were in trouble when the cops drew a chalk outline around the box office.
Posted May 14, 2012
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C
|
Marvel's the Avengers
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
What could be more effective against interstellar battle than a bow and arrows? 'You never know when an alien invader is the Sheriff of Nottingham,' warned Samuel L. Jackson.
Posted May 08, 2012
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A-
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The Innkeepers
(2011)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
Interview with Director/Writer Ti West. I liked this movie!
Posted Apr 23, 2012
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D
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The Cabin in the Woods
(2011)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
...enough unemployed characters from Whedon's failed series Dollhouse to staff every Abercrombie & Fitch in Beverly Hills.
Posted Apr 21, 2012
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|
D
|
Wrath of the Titans
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
Ralph Fiennes returns in his ever-to-be-typecast role as the personification of evil - Hades, ruler of the underworld and, from the looks of it, ruler of the Doobie Brothers.
Posted Apr 04, 2012
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A-
|
The Hunger Games
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
The Hunger Games features names that are like color palette rejects at the Dior counter.
Posted Mar 25, 2012
|
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F
|
John Carter
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
John Carter will be hanging from those man-teets alongside animators for Treasure Planet in the new Disney World attraction: Hall of Disappointments.
Posted Mar 12, 2012
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C
|
Dr. Seuss' the Lorax
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees. I'm a creature whose hair is like Wilford Brimley's. 'But the trees have no tongue, and neither should you...' Unless Liberty Medical buys it, that's true!
Posted Mar 04, 2012
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F
|
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
'I used to serve in the Navy,' Rock explained, by which he meant the Village People song of the same name.
Posted Feb 12, 2012
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A
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The Grey
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
'I don't see this movie ending well,' said a member of Liam's tribe, 'unless the wolves start talking to each other with the voices of Ian McKellen and Jeremy Irons.'
Posted Jan 30, 2012
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D
|
Underworld: Awakening
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
'One day,' Kate assures her daughter, 'you, too, will grow up to dress like a restaurant server in San Francisco.'
Posted Jan 26, 2012
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D
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Joyful Noise
(2012)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
'My face hasn't moved since the concrete set in 1978,' Dolly explained. 'If my face were gold you could find King Tut entombed in it.'
Posted Jan 14, 2012
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|
A-
|
War Horse
(2011)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
War Horse is the kind of evergreen holiday movie that will play annually on TV like Judy Garland in Easter Parade - except with dead horses and poison gas.
Posted Jan 07, 2012
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A-
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Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol
(2011)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
Something goes wrong and the entire Kremlin blows up. 'The wattage of my smile has overpowered the antiquated Russian electrical grid,' explained Tom.
Posted Dec 27, 2011
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D
|
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1
(2011)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
How else to explain a wedding gown designed by Carolina Herrera in a town where the average gown is designed by Cooter and Otis Herrera.
Posted Nov 28, 2011
|
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D
|
Immortals
(2011)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
'Our headgear is fabulous!' says Apollo, the god of music and poetry and the hottest club in West Hollywood.
Posted Nov 13, 2011
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D
|
Footloose
(2011)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
'I believe that any town where Dennis Quaid can wear pleated trousers should also be a town where kids can dance,' says Ren. 'But first, I will prove my bona fides by racing a school bus encrusted with stuffed animals!'
Posted Oct 18, 2011
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C+
|
Real Steel
(2011)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
'I was the only boxer who knew every song to Rodgers & Hammerstein's Carousel and had my own Tommy Tune tribute band,' said Hugh Jackman, whose career has taken him from Wolverine to glucosamine.
Posted Oct 12, 2011
|
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C-
|
Contagion
(2011)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
Elliot Gould!? What, were George Segal and Ryan ONeal unavailable? Was it "free cheese day" at the celebrity shelter?
Posted Sep 26, 2011
|
|
C-
|
Don't Be Afraid of the Dark
(2010)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
'How many quarts of Haagen-Dazs can I throw up into that bottomless hole?' Katie asked.
Posted Aug 31, 2011
|
|
C-
|
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
(2011)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
I thought apes in the future were hairy humans with walnut shells for mouths! These look too much like monkeys. If I want to watch monkeys take over the world I'll watch the Jersey Shore.
Posted Aug 14, 2011
|
|
A-
|
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
(2011)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
'The wand chooses the wizard,' says John Hurt, whose own wand hasn't made any choices since its scaffolding collapsed after Bea Arthur died.
Posted Jul 18, 2011
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|
D
|
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
(2011)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
'I am the enemy of Decepticons and body hair, and I intend to remove both with lasers!' said Rosie.
Posted Jul 09, 2011
|
|
C-
|
Green Lantern
(2011)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
A third tier hero most famous for a ring that's charged by a lantern. That's really off the hook in the era of iPads, isn't it?
Posted Jun 21, 2011
|
|
B
|
Super 8
(2011)
|
Mark Ramsey
|
'Did that train just hit a car or a Michael Bay retrospective?'
Posted Jun 14, 2011
|
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