The Shaggy Dog Reviews
The kiddos will love it though.
(Full review coming soon)
So it's a remake of some 1957 movie, which I'm assuming was good. This movie was not.
The plot is convoluted as shit. Basically, there's some magically dog, living with some monks in Tibet, and it's been alive for 300 years. Bad guy, Robert Downey Jr. (doing his best Tony Stark), is the second in command of evil co (the real name escapes me) that kidnaps the dog and tries to isolate the fountain of youth gene from the dog. Tim Allen (doing his best...well I don't know, he's horrendous in this) is second in command at the DA's office and he's prosecuting his precious twat daughter's teacher for trying to burn down evil co's lab. ALREADY, my fingers hurt from typing this retarded plot. This is just the basis of it. I didn't even get to the part where he's a bad dad.
So he's a bad dad, and you are reminded constantly of this. He wants his deep in the closet son to play football, but his son much rather awkwardly sing songs from Grease and be pestered by a random black girl (whose name is Plot Device) that challenges him to go to the Grease audition at the school, because she's his biggest rival or something. You NEVER SEE THIS AUDITION. It's only point is to drive home how clueless Tim Allen is at his son's gayness. Just another subplot in a movie that can't get the normal plot right. Why can't the son just not want to play football? I can understand the theme of a parent pushing a kid to do something they don't want to do (pageant parents), but why did they have to throw in character development for this stupid ass kid? He's awful.
So fast forward, Tim Allen is a bad dad (take a drink everytime he's a bad dad), the precious twat kids save the magical dog that escaped from the lab and the dog is an asshole and bites Tim Allen, because we're following SPIDERMAN RULES. After the bite from a radioactive spid...dog, we are treated to bad CGI of hairy germs taking over his blood cells, like we didn't already guess Tim Allen was going to turn into a fucking dog.
So instead of going to the hospital to get check out for RABIES (cause you know, you WERE bitten by a strange dog), he just goes to sleep. The audience is then assaulted with a sequence of scenes showing Tim Allen (the human) doing dog like things (sleeping at foot of bed, shoving face into bowl of cereal, growling in court). It's so ham fisted. Yet, how obvious this shit is, he has NO clue why he is acting strange. No seriously, not a clue.
Side note: evil co guesstimated that the dog lives 7 years for every one year (like reverse dog years) but the dog is said to be 300 years old. But it doesn't...make sense? Does that math make sense? How does that work? Don't know why they included it. I can get behind a magical ever living dog...I guess. The more attention you bring to it, the more questions I have about it. As shit, now I have to ask these questions!
So there is no real backstory on the dog, which can be fine. Most people can accept that maybe this dog is just magical. But then they throw in this whole it's from Tibet and it's real name is Fuck This Movie (actually it was something like You R Phat or something). So...is this dog a dog? Or a human that turned into a dog? Did some monk master meditation and turned into the dog? The dog acts like a dog the whole time during the movie, UNTIL THE END, when you see the Tibet magic dog FUCKING SURFING A WAVE. So it can't just be a normal dog? Is it just a really hairy, short, Asian person? I thought maybe the dog would pass on this gene by biting, you know, passing the torch. I figured it was a human, who got turned into the dog and then he passes it on to another human. But this is way more thought than any of the seven or so screenwriters gave it, so fuck it.
So during all this shit, there is still a trial going on where Tim Allen has to prosecute the teacher...and then he does dog things in the court...and then Danny Glover (doing his best lethal weapon impersonation) tells him HE'S OFF THE CASE. Ahhh. That felt good. This movie is like a compilation of famous actors doing roles they did in much better movies.
So Tim Allen gets captured by evil co, Tony Stark injects the CEO with magic dog blood...which will knock him out for a few months and then when he wakes up, Stark will be the CEO and not him. THAT'S HOW THE MOVIE DESCRIBED IT. Then Tim Allen gets AQUAMAN powers and is able to talk to the fucked up animal monstrosities the lab had and they all escape.
This fucking movie blows. I'm wasting my time and wrists writing this. So they steal a car, he uses scrabble letters to tell his idiot family that the dog is him (hilarity also ensues as there are scenes of the old switch a roo, where the family thinks the magic dog is tim allen, but it's just a dog! so then they tell the magic dog to do stuff but it just sits there, and then the mom just sits there doing what she thinks is acting and staring at the dog with a slight look of confusion, or maybe constipation, and at one point she takes 3 seconds before she says her next line...and fuck).
Also, Tim Allen figures out you can go back to human if you sleep! or if you just meditate enough! Fuck whatever.
So the most egregious part of this film is when Tim Allen gets stuck in traffic and he has to make it to court, he starts running and getting your heart beat up turns you into a dog, and he's running as a dog, then jumps off a building and says...
TO INFINITY...AND BEYOND!
FUCK YOU MOVIE. FUCK OFF. This movie can't stand by itself so it just steals from much better movies. FUCK THIS MOVIE.
In the end, Tim Allen bites Robert Downey Jr, tim allen questions the witness again (even though that's not how trials work, plus defensive council did not object to anything, plus never cross examined the witness which you are ALLOWED to do after the prosecution questions a witness...).....so after Tim Allen badgers the witness, JR does some dog stuff and people freak out and somehow that acquits the teacher from arson. THAT'S NOT HOW ANYTHING WORKS. Then he is immediately made the NEW DA (what happened to the old one?) then he immediately (off screen perhaps) books a trip to OAHU! NICE!
Then we are transported to OAHU, where the family is watching that magical fucking dog catching a wave and the wife delivers the Oscar Winning Line of, "I wish he didn't have to go back to Tibet" O_O
WHAT?! WHAT KIND OF LINE IS THAT? Plus, why the fuck DOES that dog have to go back to Tibet?! It's a fucking dog! The monks lost that dog for like weeks and they didn't give a flying fuck about him. Plus, they apparently are not concerned that a dog is RIDING A FUCKING WAVE.
FUCK YOU MOVIE. I guess there was a tender moment where Tim Allen did tell his obviously gay son that he was okay with whatever he wanted to be. That was nice, I suppose. But then again, if he wasn't okay with it, it would just prove how BAD OF A DAD HE WAS (DRINK DRINK DRINK!)
Overall, this movie could be categorized as something between a rock and a hard place, if that rock was made of a steaming pile of shit, and a hard place was a landfill full of steaming piles of shit.This movie physically hurt me.
I understand these movies aren't supposed to be original. This movie is supposedly for kids. Yet, we've seen that you can make a movie that both kids and adults can enjoy (or kids enjoy and adults ball their eyes out over, I'm looking at you UP and Toy Story 3). But this doesn't even work for kids. If it's for kids, why all the sub plots? Why not more goofy dog CGI hijinx? It's just shit.
BTW, the director, Brian Robbins, just directs garbage. He's directed this, Norbit, Meet Dave, Thousand Words...just plain bad movies.
Even if you are in the mood for a bad movie, just skip this one. It's much too painful.