Club Vampire (1998)
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[center][font=Comic Sans MS][size=4][b][u]Club Vampire (1997)[/u][/b][/size][/font] :rotten: :rotten: :rotten: :rotten: :o :( :eek: :eek: [size=4][color=blue]37[/color][/size][/center] [font=Comic Sans MS][b]Club Vampire[/b] is an appalling, unwatchable mess of a vampire moovie, inflicted with wretched acting, cheap fx, stupid characters, and faux-artsy direction. [u]Never[/u] has the MooCow seen such horrible pretension boldly displayed as "art" before. [b]Club Vampire[/b] is one of those fake "alternative" flicks, where everybody has a ring or a piercer stuck in their face, even the kids. You just want to yank 'em off their stupid, insipid faces. [size=4][b]:=8/[/b][/size][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]Cow does one even know where to begin describing this mess? Fortunately, [b]Club Vampire[/b] evokes almoost as much laughs as it does groans of pain and anguish. The whole herd laughed their spots off throughout moost of the entire flick, which shows, among udder things, an underground nightclub where [b]chunky, hairy guys[/b] are ridden about like horses, topless bimbos play [b]nude "Twister"[/b], and [b]cheesy Kenny G-like jazz[/b] floats about like some foul miasma. [/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]In fact, the whole film is populated by skeezy, sketchy, snot-filled characters who simply cannot die quickly enough for this cow. Starr Andreeff ([b]Scanner Cop[/b], [b]Ghoulies II[/b], [b]Vampire Journals[/b]) plays a character, Corri, who is easily [i]the moost wretched, ugly, cretinous, pusilanemous, vile, icky creature[/i] the MooCow has seen since [b]Headless Eyes[/b]. In one charming mooment we are treated to watching Corri [i]yank her own rotting, stinking guts out of her ugly, cankerous mouth[/i]. For this character, its is an improvement. [b][size=4]:=8P[/size][/b][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]Oh, and let's not forget the [b]green-haired, spider-tatooed midget vampire[/b], who pops in and out at will, like some kind of demented, demonic Kazoo from the old "Flintstones" cartoon. Poor Michael J. Anderson ("[i]Carnival [/i]", "[i]Twin Peaks [/i]", [b]Mulholland Drive[/b]), bet this doesn't show up on his acting resume...[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]Yep, its all here, folks, just waiting for you to blow yer hard-earned weregeld at yer local Blockbuster. You'd be better off burning it.[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS] John Savage([b]The Deer Hunter[/b], [b]The Onion Field[/b], [b]Salvador[/b])gives the embarrassing performance of his career, every bit as bad as Jon Voight's overwrought, cheesy performance in [b]Anaconda[/b]. The heights this man has fallen in his acting career - the thud must have been herd clear over to Dagestan. At least poor John can say his wasn't the worst performance in this steaming moo muffin: Andreef is even worse. Director Andy Ruben's (Writer/Producer, [b]Poison Ivy[/b], [b]Streets[/b], [b]Stripped to Kill[/b])directorial debut is as abysmal as anything created by Ed Wood or Phil Tucker, and not nearly as fun. The MooCow cannot put too fine a point on cow fiendishly terrible this film is. Avoid at all costs, unless taking 37 showers afterwards is cow you plan the remainder of your evening. [b][size=4]:=8P[/size][/b] [/font]
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