Space Ninja: Sword of the Space Ark

Audience Reviews

View More

04/21/2010 This is a movie that was made from a bunch of edited clips of the 70's Japanese action/sci-fi space epic TV show Message From Space. Because of that the story feels very awkward and blunt but in this case that is not a bad thing. It was written by a dude named BUNKER JENKINS and I have to admit that I have developed a bit of man crush for ol' Bunkie for making this gem possible. Do you remember when you were a kid and you would make up games on the fly? You would just call out that you were invincible against your friend's freeze ray because you were wearing a red lava shirt. Perhaps you would claim that your spaceship (couch) could travel at 20 times the speed of light and be at Pluto in mere seconds. That is essentially what this movie does. It just throws stuff at your face and says "believe it cuz that's how we wrote it." Never mind the fact that it doesn't make any damn sense. That's just how it is and that should be enough for you. Now clap your hands. The "story" starts off by introducing us to the hero, a rather charming fellow named Ayato. He is from the planet Ken Doll, or at least that's how they pronounce it. About 9 seconds after we meet Ayato we see his planet conquered by Rockxia. Then 14 seconds after that we see his whole family get killed "without honor" as master Splinter would say. He hears his mom scream but by the time he gets there everyone is dead and he has to use the emergency self destruct button built into every fireplace to blow up his house. Then he stands on a cliff side and curses Rockxia for destroying his home. I was like, uh, you did that part dude. Then Ayato picks a fight and is about to lose when his "buddies", otherwise known as the people he hijacked, show up and save him. They all leave together but like transports leaving Hoth they're outnumbered once they get into space. So Ayato somehow shoves his "buddies" into escape pods in .3 seconds, ejects them, and then is magically saved from destruction by Sophia. Sophia is basically this movie's version of Gwendolyn the good witch. She uses her powers for good but never seems to want to actually do any work herself which makes her come off as being a lazy bastard. She gives Ayato a ship and says go to this planet and find the heart (gem stone) so I can tell you how to kill Rockxia. I'll sum up the rest of the movie in a few brief sentences. Dude goes to planet 2. Dude finds friends. Planet 2 gets blowed up by a big ass comet. Space Ark saves important people from planet 2. Then there's enough planet hopping and gas guzzling to make Rush Limbaugh cry. All 3 hearts are found but mean ol' Koger takes em. Koger is defeated. All 3 hearts are used against Rockxia but it doesn't work. Then something dumb happens. The end. Why do I like this movie? Let me tell you. 1. They pronounce the hero's home planet "Ken Doll". 2. There is a gorilla side kick/co-pilot called Baru (CHEWBACCA) who rambles constantly and likes banana daiquiris. 3. They take over Ken Doll in 1 minute flat! 4. People wearing jeans and belt buckles use knives in space. 5. They use 36, 24, 32 as a set of planetary coordinates. Those aren't coordinates they're some girl's measurements. 6. Ayato is 90 seconds too late to save his family because he stopped to say goodbye to his friends. LOL 7. Ayato's dad built a self destruct device into their fireplace. 8. The bad guys wait for Ayato to finish talking to his dad before they attack him. 9. Ayato blows up his house and blames it on his enemies. 10. In the middle of combat people stop fighting so our heroes can say friendly greetings and salutations. 11. There is a bad guy who wears a red mask and his name is RED MASK! 12. After Ayato gets his new ship "The Liberty" an enemy flies by and actually says "What a ship!" before he attacks. 13. They ask the huge monkey Baru to "stop monkeying around." 14. Some dude on the ground watching a dogfight in the sky summarizes the whole thing by just yelling one word. "Shooting." 15. Someone you've never met before asks you for the most sacred object on your planet. Your response. "Sure." 16. They destroy the planet Welsa but no one gives a damn because every character the movie introduces is saved. Screw the billions of nameless others. 17. "In the name of justice. WE KILL YOU." 18. After magically surviving the defeat of Rockxia our heroes say "We're alive." "You're right." "One piece, not bad." 19. There's a part where Baru buries his hands in his face and says "What a disaster." I yelled back at the screen. "That's was I was thinking." 20. It's directed by Bunker Jenkins. Oh snap I said that already. Good lord is this movie funny. I've included a bunch of clips so you can see what I'm talking about. Definitely see this one. See more Read all reviews

Space Ninja: Sword of the Space Ark

My Rating

Read More Read Less POST RATING WRITE A REVIEW EDIT REVIEW