Jun 22, 2018
Look, not every movie can be a winner. I get that and I understand it. Unlike the philosophy some Americans would have you believe, there's nothing wrong with coming in second or third place. There really isn't. There isn't anything wrong with placing fourth either. There is a problem, however, if you're 150 out of 200 competitors. I mean, really, there's nothing wrong with that either, but there's nothing to be proud about either. Having said that, in most cases, if you're a professional athlete, then that lack of success might motivate you to work harder so that, next time out, you place higher and higher and higher. But, unfortunately, when applying this to horror movies, it just doesn't work. Once a movie has been released for an audience's consumption, there is nothing that you can do. I mean, technically speaking you can, with director's cut if, by any chance, the director wasn't satisfied with the cut that was released in theaters. But, really, you only really get director's cuts with major movies. I doubt The Bye Bye Man is gonna get a director's cut ever. Nothing is impossible in this world, but I'd be willing to put money on that. I don't know what, if anything, Stacy Title would have done with this movie. For all we know, she's satisfied with the end result, thought I find that highly unlikely. Also, she directed this movie based on a script written by her husband, so there's that. That's really irrelevant. But, let us move on, shall we? As if it wasn't obvious to you by now, I did not think that this was a very good movie, like at all. In fact, I'd have to say that this was very bad. If I'm being honest, and I always am, I only really ended up watching this on a whim. I was actually gonna watch Don't Knock Twice and when I searched for that movie on Amazon Prime, this one also came up. Both were available to me as a result of my Showtime week-long free trial. I saw this and I was like 'fuck it, I'll watch this'. Simple as a that. I really had no intentions of watching this (since the Edge of Seventeen is still on my watchlist and Cronenberg's Rabid, which I may watch tonight). It was just something I decided to do on an impulse. That impulse turned out to be dead wrong. DEAD WRONG I SAY! I will say that the movie starts out promisingly enough. Larry, played by Leigh Whannell, in 1969, shoots and kills eight of his friends, all of whom knew about the existence of the Bye Bye Man, before killing himself. He does this to contain the knowledge of the Bye Bye Man, who makes you see things that aren't there and, generally, drives you nuts, so no one else has to suffer through this. If everyone who knows about the Bye Bye Man is dead, he can't continue to haunt them. Anyway, this is information we get later on. The point I'm trying to make is that I felt that the movie starting with Larry murdering all these people was the right way to start this off. Of course, however, the PG-13 limitations put a bit of a damper on that since you can't really get a sense of how horrible these murders were. These people were shot with this shotgun at, relatively, close range. So the lack of blood was very inconsistent with wounds associated with shotguns. That lack of authenticity really hurt the movie. And it was laughable because, later on, you see more of Larry's murderous rampage and he shoots this teenage girl. She's slammed into the wall and she falls to the floor. Larry moves into the kitchen and you can see the wall the girl slammed into and there's, literally, the smallest blood splatter you will have ever seen. It's absurd. For fuck's sake, just take the R-rating and be more gruesome. At least it'd give us SOMETHING. Regardless, that's neither here nor there. Moving on almost 40 years later, these three teens (Elliot, his girlfriend Sasha and his best friend John) move into this house. I don't know if it's Larry's former house and, honestly, I don't really care. Anyway, they use Larry's nightstand. Elliot finds these coins in the nightstand and this writing. The writing says: don't think it, don't say it and a name. That name is, of course, Bye Bye Man. Because, really, if you're not trying to say a name, the next logical step is to write it down so, even if you're not saying it, you're thinking about it since you're seeing it. Great fucking logic there, my dude. Whatever. So this happens and then strange shit starts to happen to them and this psychic lady who was there when Elliot uttered its name. Yawn, am I right? First things first, this is a very derivative horror movie. It's like Freddy Krueger and Candyman wrapped into one, except not nearly as good or clever as those films. Secondly, the Bye Bye Man itself is, literally, one of the least scariest horror villains that I've ever seen. I had to be redundant there with the 'least scariest', because that's how ineffective he actually is. Like what is he even supposed to be, honestly? He wears this pajama robe with the hoodie on. And, underneath that, he's wearing clothes you would wear to sleep. Like sweats and a regular shirt. His face is disfigured. There is that, but the fact that his face is covered up for most of the movie means that he's the least threatening horror villain I've seen in ages. I mean the guy does have what seems to be a hellhound and that might be the only 'scary' thing about him. The first scene the hound appears in is actually decent. But once you get a more detailed look at him, the CG on the hound is laughably bad. Speaking of that, there's this transition from one scene to another where they show the wallpaper from the hallway, I'm assuming. The design of this wallpaper is of this deer and a doe. So the head of the doe slowly transitions to that of the hound who turns to look at the camera. Like, honestly, I don't know if this was intended to be this way, but this effect was so terrible. It was honestly just dreadful. If this was done in earnest, like who did the wife/husband duo think they were fooling. This can't have been planned as a legitimate scare because it's so openly awful. I mean, I'll be frank, it made me laugh. But it made me laugh because of how someone though that this might be a good idea. Oh no, the killer wallpaper. I should be SO afraid. Give me a fucking break. There's also this scene later in the movie, where the hound walks toward the camera and this hound is massive, but the steps he takes are so small that it's a bit of a dissonance, seeing something so menacing take such dainty steps. I suppose now we have to move on to Elliot, Sasha and John. I mean, do we really have to? I guess no review about this is complete without talking about these insufferable assholes. With the villain making you see things that aren't there or not letting you see things that ARE there, this leads to the inevitable love triangle. Or at least the villain manipulating Elliot's mind to see things that aren't there. And, honestly, I couldn't have cared less about these people to invest in this bullshit story. There's an incredibly awkwardly shot sex scene where John is giving it to Sasha doggy-style but the way the camera shoots them makes it look like they're not even in the same planet. This movie is so fucking bad, honestly. All of these are incredibly poorly-written characters. There's nothing to any of them. And Sasha, oh boy, it's time we talk about Sasha. She sets feminism back about 1000 years. She's completely fucking useless. She's either looking concerned, sick, coughing, crying or sleeping. Jesus, what a fucking weakling. Not to mention that she contributes nothing of value to the narrative. I mean, yea, she's the one that brings Kim (the psychic) to do a seance. But, other than that, the only thing she does is just take up valuable time and space. Well, really, maybe not valuable. She might be the most useless female character I've seen since Bella Swan. But, at the very least, as awful as those movies still are, Bella finally started fighting for herself and her weird, CG daughter. Sasha is even more useless than a damsel in distress, if such a thing is possible. Elliot and John are just unlikable assholes. Carrie Anne Moss, inexplicably, is in this movie. I imagine they cast her because they were probably planning for this to be so successful that they would get a sequel, so they needed to plant the seeds in this movie with her character to, possibly, continue on. The very notion that this movie would get a sequel is laughable to me. Also, Faye Dunaway is here. She needs that machine from Eternal Sunshine so she can erase the memories of ever appearing in a movie so terrible. The reality is that this, if handled correctly, could have been an exploration of mental health issues told through a horror lens. Of course, the idea that this movie could tackle such heavy objects adeptly is, also, highly laughable. The climax is...ok, but obviously not nearly enough to save this. There's a, almost, a clever twist in that you think it's finally over, but Elliot's niece (who's name I can't remember and I don't care) was outside their house during the climax (with her father, Elliot's brother). She was roaming around to pee or something. After Elliot kills himself and they're riding home, the girl tells her dad about the writing in the nightstand. He asks her what the writing said. And she replied that she can't see in the dark. Actually, we'll get to what she actually says in a bit. So I was like, ok, that was pretty decent. And this is where we'll end the movie, you think it's over, but it's not, but it is because the girl couldn't see in the dark. Nope, they fucked themselves out of a conclusive ending, but it is what it is. Time to get into what Elliot's niece actually said. She said, and I quote, "You know I can't read in the dark. What do you think I am? A flashlight?" and she said this with a smirk on her face like she was so proud of herself for having coming up with such a zinger. And never have I ever wanted to kick a child in the face as much as I did at that moment. Other than that, it was such a CRINGE-WORTHY line. I cringed so hard that I thought my face was permanently gonna be that way. No woman would ever love me, for having such a hideous face. It's not the only cringe-worthy moment in the film. Everything with this little annoying asshole of a niece is terrible. Just like everything about this movie, outside of the beginning, is terrible. Having seen this movie and experienced its awfulness, it's no surprise to me that Stacy Title and Jonathan Penner have not gone on to become a successful filmmaking duo. With movies this bad, you just wanna put them on a rocket ship and send them to the moon where they can keep making their shitty movies for themselves. I hated, almost, every single second of this. I'd rather have pink-eye than suffer through this again. Umm, yea, don't watch this. A few laughable moments don't make up for the overall hideousness this movie gladly provides to you on a silver platter.
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