Da 5 Bloods
On the Record
I May Destroy You
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Starts off with an explanation of Jesus' exposing charge from the Big Lebowski and it just dives even further as the minutes progress. An absolute letdown from what my expectations were. The inability to form a proper journey made this movie hard to endure. Nonsensical and does not speak to the caliber of acting skills on that set. Shameful.
One of the absolute worst movies I've ever seen.
Absolutely unexpected and Delightful. Perfect in every way.
It was so perfect I cried. This is what a movie should be.
Everything made perfect sense. No cheats, no extravagance. No blinding Apple logos.
Just a well told story and a treat for the senses. Casting was spot on also.
So glad I gave this movie a chance.
1/5. Bobby Cannavale tries, but the vast majority of the movie is boring and incomprensible.
Nobody should have ****** with the Jesus. So Jesus Quintana (John Turturro) is fresh out of jail. His best friend (Bobby Cannavale) picks him up, and together with a prostitute (Audrey Tautou), they get into a number of misadventures. Now look, I'm going to be candid with you. The Big Lebowski is my favorite comedy of all-time, so for me, this is treading on hallowed ground. There have always occasionally been rumblings of a sequel, but I am still surprised to see this spin-off come to fruition. For starters, this is a minor character that was never given all that much depth; you might not recall correctly because he is so flamboyantly memorable, but Jesus only has about five minutes of screen time in the original film and is only featured in two scenes. Apparently Turturro saw something more there, as he has credits here for acting, directing, and writing, but I still took the fact that this came and went so quietly as a bad omen. I felt obligated to watch this because of my love for the original film, and to all the fans out there, I will say: please skip this. Now if I were to make an argument in the defense of this film, it would be that it was going to be in trouble either way. The Big Lebowski has such a following that it became a cult classic, so if this tries to emulate it too much, everybody would talk about how it pales in comparison. If it does it too little, then why are we even here? In that regard, this movie does have my sympathy, and that is where I part ways with kind words. Tonally, this is a completely different movie than The Big Lebowski, and it has everything to do with the fact that these are scumbags that we are following. They're not quirky and lovable like the previous trio, they're criminals that have a reckless abandon for anybody who gets in their way. Sure, they try to do the trope in Westerns where they give the lead a code that he follows so you find him relatable. In this case, it is the fact that Jesus respects women, but it's just not enough. These are miscreants that are living their life like it Grand Theft Auto, which is great for a video game, but sorely disappointing in an actual movie. They are damn sure to hit every single note that you got with this character in The Big Lebowski here as well. He says all the lines, he licks the bowling ball, and yes, there's even an appearance from The Gypsy Kings on the soundtrack. It all feels obligatory, and it doesn't make much sense in the actual context of the film. In fact, there's really no reason for there to be a bowling scene here, and when you really break it down, that is the biggest problem that you're going to find here: this story is devoid of character motivation. You take a look at The Big Lebowski, and love it or hate it, you have to admit features a buffet of unforgettable scenes. It wouldn't amount to anything without a through line, and that is why you have The Dude trying to get reparations for his rug. It's simple, but 100% necessary, because it gives the characters a driving force that moves the plot forward. This movie, on the other hand, just drifts like a ship without a captain, and it pulls the difficult feat in making an 85-minute film (including credits) feel like it is dragging. The Jesus Rolls wastes a surprisingly bolstered cast, so you should get your expectations in check if you take a trip to IMDb and see Christopher Walken, Jon Hamm, Susan Sarandon, and Tim Blake Nelson in the cast list. It introduces a new character every 10 - 15 minutes, but that is just a substitute for an actual plot, and they don't actually serve as anything other than glorified cameos. I wasn't ever groaning at this, but I was consistently confused about why this was ever put in existence. This is just a misguided sex comedy that could have easily existed as a standalone movie with an original character as the protagonist and it would have probably been better for it.
From one excellently done episodic movie, to a lousy one. There's a few funny moments strung throughout, thanks to how good the actors are, but this was always a horrible idea. Funny side characters don't always need their own movies. This one is a gutter ball.
One of the worst movies I have ever seen. Why would they even make it.
Terrible in just about every way. Bobby Cannavale is good, but everything else just doesn't work. The leap in quality from The Big Lebowski to this is staggering.
This is not even so bad that it is good. I honestly do not even know where to begin with a review. I wish I could get my money back. Was this movie made as a money-laundering scheme? There was absolutely no point to anything, the dialogue was terrible. Pete Davidson looked like he regretted his choices, and for good reason. Apparently, John Torturo (more like Torturer) is an alien who has never met a woman; and, based his idea of one, off of shitty porn that he has watched. Women only appear so that the main characters can have sex with them. Women are also portrayed as unable to be happy or fulfilled unless they orgasm, orgasms can only be given by men, and when they do orgasm, they need to be punished. Oh, and some of them only want to talk about their periods. Also, WHERE IS EVERYONE?! They spent 15 million dollars on this movie and couldn't afford some extras to fluff out the background? Did this movie predict COVID-19, or did they blow all their budget on two cameos by real actors, and some cardboard cut-outs of John Hamm (appearing repeatedly just to remind everyone John Hamm was in the movie)? The only hope left, was that the three main characters would die in the end, and they couldn't even get that right! There is not a single redeemable thing about this flaming garbage heap. I wish I could give this negative stars.