Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (2009)
Critic Consensus: This overstuffed, scattershot vampire flick suffers from poor characterization and an unwieldy mix of scares and chuckles.
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as Larten Crepsley
as Darren Shan
as Mr. Tall
as Evra the Snake Boy
as Gavner Purl
as Madame Truska
as Mr. Tiny
as Mr. Shan
as Mrs. Shan
as Alexander Ribs
as Rhamus Twobellies
as Gertha Teeth
as Mr. Kersey
as Corma Limbs
as Loaf Head
as Audience Member
as Woman From Town
as Kid Passing By
as Kid in Hallway
as Singing Father
as Singing Mother
as Singing Kid
as Singing Kid
as Hans Hands
as Shrieking Student
as Rain Girl
as Mr. Pipps
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Critic Reviews for Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant
This is one of the worst films of the year.
Unfortunately Weitz can't quite get a handle on what the film should be, despite teaming up with the talented Brian Helgeland on the script.
A vampire movie in sore need of a transfusion.
We never get under the skin of anyone here. Freaks never become characters. They're objects of derision.
Harry Potter needn't call time out on his Quidditch game, and Edward Cullen can stick to his beauty rest.
Audience Reviews for Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant
Forget the Vampire -- the casting director clearly needs assistance! Dumb and poorly cast, but the film had a strange, Baroque charm that made it mildly entertaining nevertheless. And I can't help feeling that pitting the "vampires" against the "vampanese" (i.e., the violent vamps) was obliquely racist.
Playing out much like a young adult fiction book (which it's based off of) it's very clear that the slight disjointed feeling of the plot is the entire studio's fault more than the script's. They are trying to make the next children's franchise with the adaptation of the book of the same name by Darren Shan. The story suffers from the fact that they won't tell us anything concrete or lasting. The characters shown aren't all too developed, mostly because of the bias against using characters that were freaks. They slap on some moral message about equality, friendship, and the choices we make versus who we are, and they believe they can simply define someone as a freak and don't need personalities, relationships, and the intricacies of someone we all want to watch. Yeah, some lackluster effects are good and all, but I would rather hear what Jane Krakowski has to say then see her arm grow back (which was surely the most illogical part of the film.) Using her as an example, I didn't get to know that character one iota. Besides the likable main characters and crass word choice none of this ran as a film with a true plot, but an extenuation of a series of films. It wasn't even a true kids movie, since there is unneeded swearing and some strange choices in violence, the definition of what adolescents say in private, and the romantic angle between Darren (Massoglia) and some nothing girl who is, you guessed it, also a freak. The effects were, for the most part, very low grade, and the mythology between vampires and the "Vampenese" first of all just sounds like veiled racism, and second made either no sense, or left me incredulous. The powers of the vampires have been improved or made new amongst the other hollow vampire related faire as of late, but it wasn't enough to keep it from being camp. Reilly is for sure the best aspect of this film, though he shouldn't fit along with the rest of the cast. Yes, his accent is hard to place or awkward throughout, but his crude weirdness works well with the personality of the character. Most of the stars are for the fact I somewhat enjoyed myself even with all these flaws because it was never meant to be perfection, but some strange sub strait. I just wonder if it will indeed lead to a series of films.
Bad acting in this unfaithful unfantastic adaption to a fantastic book. John C Reilly gives a good performance but even he cant save the film from its unconsistent pacing.
Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant Quotes
|Darren Shan:||Can I, like, turn into a bat and stuff?|
|Larten Crepsley:||No. That's bullshit.|
|Evra the Snake Boy:||*whispers/chuckles* You're like Crepsley's bitch now.|
|Evra the Snake Boy:||[whispers/chuckles] You're like Crepsley's bitch now.|
|Larten Crepsley:||I will not make you a vampire.You must forget about it.Go home and get on with your life.|
|Steve:||No! I won't forget! I'll get you for this, I don't care how long it takes.One day, Vur Horston, I'll track you down and kill you for rejecting me!|
|Steve:||No! I won't forget! I'll get you for this, I don't care how long it takes. One day, Vur Horston, I'll track you down and kill you for rejecting me!|
|Larten Crepsley:||Don't use your fist. You have something better. Use your fingernails. Like this. (Slashes the tree).|