Albert Finney

Well, excuse me for not going to Law School.

Law School? At this point, I'd settle for Charm School.

All I want is a good time. The rest is propaganda.

You know about icebergs, Dad?

Do I? I saw an iceberg once. They were haulin' down it down to Texas for drinkin' water. They didn't count on there bein' a elephant frozen inside. The wooly kind. A mammoth.

Dad!

What?

I'm tryin' to make a metaphor here.

Well, you shouldn't have started with a question, because most people wanna answer questions. You should've started with "the thing about iceberg is"

I don't know if you're aware of this, Josephine, but African parrots, in their native homes of the Congo, they only speak French?

Really?

You're lucky to get four words out of them in English, but if you were to walk through the jungle, you'd hear them speakin' the most elaborate French. Those parrots talk about everything. Politics, movies, fashion. Everything but religion.

Why not religion, Dad?

It's rude to talk about religion. You never know who you're gonna offend.

Josephine actually went to Congo last year.

Oh, so you know.

I think I'm going to like children.

The trouble with you, Cratchit, is that all you think about is pleasure. Pleasure and spending money.

If I could work my will, Nephew, every idiot who goes about with "Merry Christmas" on his lips would be boiled with his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.

It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every 25th of December.

Everything will go as planned she will marry

Everything will go as planned she will marry.

I was dryin' out.

*a train drives past them, catching them by surprise* Sexy, wasn't it?

Sexy, wasn't it?

*sarcastically* You're not frustrated at all.

You're not frustrated at all.

What kind of people just sit there without a word to say to each other?

Married people.

I was waiting for what you wanted! You wanted a boiled egg, not me!

So I suppose Caroline has nothing to do with this?

You were the one who wanted a child!

Why don't you wake her up and tell her that?!

Why don't you wake her up and tell her that?

PG&E is demanding 90. In other words, everybody. Do you understand? This is serious.

And, what, Ed? I'm not serious?

You're emotional, you're erratic. You say anything, you make this personal, and it isn't.

Not personal? That is my work! My sweat! My time away from my kids! If that's not personal, I don't know what is-- [starts to cough hardly]

Hey, come on. Come on. Go home. Get well. Because you're no good to me sick. I need you, all right? This case needs you.

Did you tell them that?

You are in for a surprise.

Am I?.

Havin' a kid changes everything. There's burpin', the midnight feedin', and the changin'.

You do any of that?

No. But I hear it's terrible. Then you spent years tryin' to corrupt and mislead this child, fill his head with nonsense, and still it turns out perfectly fine.

You think I'm up for it?

You learned from the best.

I've been nothin' but myself since the day I was born, and if you can't see that it's your fallin', not mine.

Most men, they'll tell you a story straight through. It won't be complicated, but it won't be interestin' either.

How could you take this away from me?

No one's taking anything, will you let me--

Bullshit! You stuck me in Siberia dictating to some goddamn steno clerk so you could finish this thing without me!

Welcome to Scotland

You don't know what life is really like, kid.

Good. I want to keep it that way. Take me back.

There's no way anyone can teach you about the pleasure of eating.You've got to do it yourself.

It's rude to talk about religion. You never know who you're gonna offend.

Can I take you a picture?

Oh, you don't need a picture. Just look up the word "handsome" in the dictionary.

Oh, you don't need a picture. Just look up the word 'handsome' in the dictionary.

[to Caspar] You haven't bought any license to kill bookies and today I ain't sellin' any. Now take your flunkie and dangle.

[Bonejangles creeps up behind Finnis; his eye falls into Finnis' bowl] There's an eye in me soup.

So who are we going against?

There's no, 'we,' this isn't your fight.

Try and stop me you jumped up little shit.

What was it you said you did for a living again?

Welcome to Scotland!!

Welcome to Scotland!

He's keen to get home

He's keen to get home.

Welcome to Scotland.

Welcome to Scotland!

Welcome to the program.

Why did you pick me?

You really don't remember, do you? We didn't pick you. You picked us. You volunteered. Right here. Right here, even after you were warned.

In a law firm you may want to re-think your wardrobe a little.

Well as long as I have one ass instead of two I'll wear what I like if that's all right with you. You might want to re-think those ties.

Oh, Hildegarde, what if....what if Victor and I don't....like each other?

Ha! As if that has anything to do with marriage. Do you suppose your father and I "like" each other?

Surely you must, a little....

Of course not!

Of course not!

Get those corsets laced properly. I can hear you speak without gasping.

Marvelous news, Victoria, there'll be a wedding after all.

You found him?

Make haste, my dear, our relatives will arrive at any moment. We must have you looking presentable for Lord Barkis.

Lord Barkis?

He will make a fine husband.

Aye. A fortuitous turn of events indeed.

A far better prospect this time.

But I do not love him. You cannot make me do this!

We must.

Please, I beg of you! There must be another way!

Without your marriage to Lord Barkis, we shall be forced penniless into the street. We are destitute.

But...Victor....

Victor Van Dort is gone, child.

You shall marry Lord Barkis tomorrow. *with Maudeline* According to plan!

Do they teach beauty queens how to apologize? Because you suck at it.

A man should acknowledge his losses just as gracefully as he celebrate his victories.

Fate has a cruel way to play with us, there is a time when a man must fight. And a moment when you must accept that he lost his destiny, which sailed the boat and that only a fool would ... Actually I've always been a fool

Fate has a cruel way to play with us, there is a time when a man must fight. And a moment when you must accept that he lost his destiny, which sailed the boat and that only a fool would ... Actually I've always been a fool.

Oh, come on Tommie. You know I don't like to think.

Yeah, well think about whether you should start.

(quoting his mother) 'The milkman dropped dead on our front porch'. See, if my momma was bangin' the milkman.

[quoting his mother] The milkman dropped dead on our front porch. See, if my momma was bangin' the milkman.

I was dryin' out.

I was drying out.

There comes a point when any reasonable man will swallow his pride and admit he made a mistake. The truth is... I was never a reasonable man.

They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that's true. What they don't tell you is that when it starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up.

They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that's true. What they don't tell you is that when it starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up.

Is this a tall tale?

It's not a short one!