Jamie Kennedy

Shondra	Damn! What happened to you?
Brad Gluckman	Shut up hoe.
Shondra	Hoe! Who you callin' a hoe, hoe?
Brad Gluckman	You hoe! The same hoe that gave that weak ass kiss 5 minutes ago in the bedroom.
PJ	Shondra?
Sean	I told you she liked white boys.

---

Randy Meeks

I'd let the geek, get the girl.

---

Walter Wogaman

Can I have my pants, please? Pants, on my legs.

---

Walter Wogaman

Military regulations, you cannot drive. Step away from the Chenoweth, ma'am. Don't make me shoot you, ma'am.

---

Mickey	The Empire Strikes Back. Better story, improved effects.
Randy Meeks	Not a sequel. Part of a trilogy. Completely planned.
Hallie	I like those little furry things.
Mickey	They're Ewoks. They blow.

---

Sidney Prescott	Three hundred people watched. Nobody did anything. They thought it was publicity stunt, for Christ's sakes.
Randy Meeks	[with Cockney accent] And it would have been a good one too.
Randy Meeks	And it would have been a good one too.
Sidney Prescott	It's starting again Randy.
Randy Meeks	[with Cockney accent again] It's not. A lot of shit happens at the movies. People get robbed, shot, maimed, murdered. Multiplex is just a very dangerous place to be these days.
Randy Meeks	It's not. A lot of shit happens at the movies. People get robbed, shot, maimed, murdered. Multiplex is just a very dangerous place to be these days.
Sidney Prescott	Yeah, and you are in extreme denial.
Sidney Prescott	Yeah and you are in extreme denial.

---

Dewey Riley	When did she started smoking?
Randy Meeks	Ever since those nude pictures on the internet.
Gale Weathers	It was just my head, it was Jennifer Aniston's body!

---

Randy Meeks

There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to create a successful sequel. Number one: the body count is always bigger. Number two: the death scenes are always much more elaborate - more blood, more gore - *carnage candy*. And number three: never, ever, under any circumstances, assume the killer is dead.

---

Randy Meeks	Did the police ask if you liked to hunt?
Tatum Riley	Why would they do that? They didn't ask me.
Stuart	Because there's no way a girl could have killed them.
Tatum Riley	That is so sexist. The killer could have easily been a female. Basic Instinct.
Stuart	That was an ice pick, not exactly the same thing.
Stuart	Yeah, Casey and Steve were completely hollowed out. In fact,it takes a man to do something like that.
Tatum Riley	Or a man's mentality.

---

Stuart	Why would he want to kill his own girlfriend?
Randy Meeks	There's always some stupid bullshit reason to kill your girlfriend. That's the beauty of it all! Simplicity! Besides, if it gets too complicated, you lose your target audience.

---

Randy Meeks

[staring at Billy Loomis in the videostore] If you were the only suspect in a senseless bloodbath - would you be standing in the horror section?

---

Sidney Prescott	Didn't you used to date Casey?
Stuart	Yeah, for, like, two seconds!
Randy Meeks	Til she dumped his ass for Steve!
Tatum Riley	(To Stu) I thought you dumped her for me...
Tatum Riley	[to Stu] I thought you dumped her for me...

---

Debbie Salt	(As Ghostface) What's your favorite scary movie?
Debbie Salt	[as Ghostface] What's your favorite scary movie?
Randy Meeks	Showgirls, absolutely terrifying!

---

Dewey Riley	Creepy Karen?
Randy Meeks	Shut up! She's a sweet person, okay? We were working late. We were putting away some videos in the porno section, and, you know, shit happens. (shouting and knocking from the door behind him) Fifteen minutes. (it continues) Paul, fifteen minutes! I'm leaving my legacy. (it continues) Fifteen minutes, Paul! Damn! Anyway, the reason I'm here is to help you so that my death will not be in vain. That my life's work will help save some other poor soul from getting mutilated. If this killer does come back, and he's for real, there are a few things that you gotta remember. Is this simply another sequel? Well, if it is, same rules apply. But, here's the critical thing. If you find yourself dealing with an unexpected back-story, and a preponderance of exposition, then the sequel rules do not apply. Because you are not dealing with a sequel. You are dealing with the concluding chapter of a trilogy. That's right. It's a rarity in the horror field, but it does exist, and it is a force to be reckoned with. Because true trilogies are all about going back to the beginning and discovering something that wasn't true from the get-go. Godfather, Jedi, all revealed something that we thought was true that wasn't true. So if it is a trilogy you are dealing with, here are some super trilogy rules. One: you've got a killer who's gonna be superhuman. Stabbing him won't work. Shooting him won't work. Basically, in the third one, you've gotta cryogenically freeze his head, decapitate him, or blow him up. Number two: anyone, including the main character, can die. This means you, Sid. I'm sorry. It's the final chapter. It could be fucking Reservoir Dogs by the time this thing is through. Number three: the past will come back to bite you in the ass. Whatever you think you know about the past, forget it. The past is not at rest! Any sins you think were committed in the past are about to break out and destroy you. (long pause) So in closing, let me say...good luck, godspeed, and for some of you, I'll see you soon. 'Cause the rules say some of you ain't gonna make it. I didn't. Not if you're watching this tape (the video promptly ends)
Randy Meeks	Shut up! She's a sweet person, okay? We were working late. We were putting away some videos in the porno section, and, you know, shit happens. (shouting and knocking from the door behind him) Fifteen minutes. (it continues) Paul, fifteen minutes! I'm leaving my legacy. (it continues) Fifteen minutes, Paul! Damn! Anyway, the reason I'm here is to help you so that my death will not be in vain. That my life's work will help save some other poor soul from getting mutilated. If this killer does come back, and he's for real, there are a few things that you gotta remember. Is this simply another sequel? Well, if it is, same rules apply. But, here's the critical thing. If you find yourself dealing with an unexpected back-story, and a preponderance of exposition, then the sequel rules do not apply. Because you are not dealing with a sequel. You are dealing with the concluding chapter of a trilogy. That's right. It's a rarity in the horror field, but it does exist, and it is a force to be reckoned with. Because true trilogies are all about going back to the beginning and discovering something that wasn't true from the get-go. Godfather, Jedi, all revealed something that we thought was true that wasn't true. So if it is a trilogy you are dealing with, here are some super trilogy rules. One: you've got a killer who's gonna be superhuman. Stabbing him won't work. Shooting him won't work. Basically, in the third one, you've gotta cryogenically freeze his head, decapitate him, or blow him up. Number two: anyone, including the main character, can die. This means you, Sid. I'm sorry. It's the final chapter. It could be fucking Reservoir Dogs by the time this thing is through. Number three: the past will come back to bite you in the ass. Whatever you think you know about the past, forget it. The past is not at rest! Any sins you think were committed in the past are about to break out and destroy you. (long pause) So in closing, let me say...good luck, godspeed, and for some of you, I'll see you soon. 'Cause the rules say some of you ain't gonna make it. I didn't. Not if you're watching this tape (the video promptly ends).

---

Randy Meeks	Maybe wouldn't have sex with him...
Stuart	what, is she savin' herself for you?
Stuart	What, is she savin' herself for you?
Randy Meeks	maybe.
Randy Meeks	Maybe.

---

Theo Gold

Technically no. But he did order a lot of donuts.

---

Randy Meeks	There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance: 1. You can never have sex. The minute you get a little nookie--you're as good as gone. Sex always equals death. 2. Never drink or do drugs. The sin factor. It's an extension of number one. And 3. Never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, say "I'll be right back."
Randy Meeks	There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance: 1. You can never have sex. The minute you get a little nookie--you're as good as gone. Sex always equals death. 2. Never drink or do drugs. The sin factor. It's an extension of number one. And 3. Never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, say 'I'll be right back.'

---

Major Archie Gates	Though's don't work in the day time
Major Archie Gates	Though's don't work in the day time.
Walter Wogaman	They kinda do
Walter Wogaman	They kinda do.

---

Randy Meeks	can't you see she's planning for her next book, that's what reporter's do Dewey, they stage the news!
Randy Meeks	Can't you see she's planning for her next book, that's what reporter's do Dewey, they stage the news!
Dewey Riley	No, Gale's a lot of things, but gale's not a killer...
Randy Meeks	com'on just because your sweet on her...
Randy Meeks	Com'on just because your sweet on her...
Dewey Riley	no I'm not..
Dewey Riley	No I'm not..
Randy Meeks	Please! this is me,talking Randy, the unrequited love slave of Sidney Prescott, know all about obsession (shows his bullet shut to Dewey) and pain...
Randy Meeks	Please! this is me,talking Randy, the unrequited love slave of Sidney Prescott, know all about obsession [shows his bullet shut to Dewey] and pain...

---

Dave	But movies cost millions of dollars to make.
Bobby Bowfinger	That's after gross net deduction profit percentage deferment ten percent of the nut. Cash, every movie cost $2,184.

---

Randy Meeks	(Randy answered the cellphone)Gale's not here!
Randy Meeks	[Randy answered the cellphone] Gale's not here!
Mickey	(with the voice of ghostface) I'm not interrupting anything am i? you little three are deep in thought, have you ever felt the knife cut through human flesh and scrape the bone beneath.... hehehehe....
Mickey	[with the voice of ghostface] I'm not interrupting anything am I? you little three are deep in thought, have you ever felt the knife cut through human flesh and scrape the bone beneath.... hehehehe....

---

Brad Gluckman	Traffic traffic Looking for my chapstick Feeling kinda carsick There's a ford maverick
Brad Gluckman	Traffic traffic Looking for my chapstick Feeling kinda carsick There's a ford maverick.

---

Evil Ice Cream Man	I want my coil.
Dobbs	I want my handheld!
Evil Ice Cream Man	What'd you say, punk?
Dobbs	I said "I want my handheld."
Dobbs	I said 'I want my handheld.'
Evil Ice Cream Man	You want your handheld?
Dobbs	Yeah. You heard me. I said "I want my handheld."
Dobbs	Yeah. You heard me. I said 'I want my handheld.'
Evil Ice Cream Man	You want me to hold your hand?
Dobbs	No!
Evil Ice Cream Man	Need somebody to hold his hand! Little baby! Little baby!

---

Randy Meeks	What's your favorite scary movie?
Mickey	[as Ghostface] You'll never find me!
Randy Meeks	Yeah, what do you care? Let them have their fun.
Mickey	[as Ghostface] What's your favorite scary movie?
Randy Meeks	Showgirls. Absolutely frightening.

---

Randy Meeks	[Gale's phone rings and Randy answers it] Gale's not here!
Mickey	[as Ghostface] I'm not interrupting anything, am I? You three look deep in thought. Have you ever felt a knife cut through human flesh and scrape the bone beneath? [maniacal laugh]
Randy Meeks	It's him.
Dewey Riley	Who?
Randy Meeks	The killer. He can see us. All three of us.

---

Randy Meeks	[discussing with Dewey who is the killer] Hallie.
Dewey Riley	Sid's roommate? No, serial killers are typically white male.
Randy Meeks	That's why it's perfect. It's sort of against the rules, but not really. Mrs. Voorhees was a terrific serial killer, and there's always room for Candyman's daughter. She's sweet, she's deadly, she's bad for your teeth.

---

Randy Meeks	Don't ever, EVER say I'll be right back, cause you won't be back.
Stuart	I'm getting another beer, want one?.
Stuart	I'm getting another beer, want one?
Randy Meeks	Yes, sure.
Randy Meeks	Yeah, sure.
Stuart	I'll be right back!.
Stuart	I'll be right back!

---

Dewey Riley	Trilogy?
Randy Meeks	That's right, it's a rarity in the horror field but it does exist, and it is a force to be reckoned with. Because true trilogies are all about going back to the beginning and discovering something that wasn't true from the get go. Godfather, Jedi, all revealed something that we thought was true that wasn't true. So if it is a trilogy you are dealing with, here are some super trilogy rules: 1. You got a killer who's going to be super human. Stabbing him won't work. Shooting him won't work. Basically in the third one you gotta cryogenically freeze his head, decapitate him, or blow him up. 2. Anyone including the main character can die. This means you Sid. I'm sorry. It's the final chapter. It could be fu**ing "Reservoir Dogs" by the time this thing is through. Number 3. The past will come back to bite you in the ass. Whatever you think you know about the past, forget it. The past is not at rest. Any sins you think were committed in the past are about to break out and destroy you. So in closing, let me say good luck, god speed, and for some of you, I'll see you soon. 'Cause the rules say some of you ain't gonna make it. I didn't, not if you're watching this tape.
Randy Meeks	That's right, it's a rarity in the horror field but it does exist, and it is a force to be reckoned with. Because true trilogies are all about going back to the beginning and discovering something that wasn't true from the get go. Godfather, Jedi, all revealed something that we thought was true that wasn't true. So if it is a trilogy you are dealing with, here are some super trilogy rules: 1. You got a killer who's going to be super human. Stabbing him won't work. Shooting him won't work. Basically in the third one you gotta cryogenically freeze his head, decapitate him, or blow him up. 2. Anyone including the main character can die. This means you Sid. I'm sorry. It's the final chapter. It could be fu**ing 'Reservoir Dogs' by the time this thing is through. Number 3. The past will come back to bite you in the ass. Whatever you think you know about the past, forget it. The past is not at rest. Any sins you think were committed in the past are about to break out and destroy you. So in closing, let me say good luck, god speed, and for some of you, I'll see you soon. 'Cause the rules say some of you ain't gonna make it. I didn't, not if you're watching this tape.

---

Randy Meeks

A lot of sh*t happens at the movies, people get robbed, shot, maimed, murdered. Multiplexes are very dangerous places to be these days.

---

Randy Meeks	It's deputy Dew...Woodsboro's finest! What's he doing here?
Randy Meeks	It's deputy Dew. Woodsboro's finest! What's he doing here?

---

Dewey Riley	Typically, serial killers are white male.
Randy Meeks	That's why it's perfect! It's sort of against the rules but not really. Mrs. Voorhees was a terrific serial killer, and there's always room for Candyman's daughter. She's sweet, she's deadly, she's bad for your teeth.

---

Randy Meeks	There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to create a successful sequel. Number one: the body count is always bigger. Number two: the death scenes are always much more elaborate - more blood, more gore - "carnage candy". And number three: never, ever, under any circumstances, assume the killer is dead.
Randy Meeks	There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to create a successful sequel. Number one: the body count is always bigger. Number two: the death scenes are always much more elaborate - more blood, more gore - 'carnage candy'. And number three: never, ever, under any circumstances, assume the killer is dead.

---

Randy Meeks	Mickey, the freaky Tarantino film student. But if he's a suspect, so am I. Let's move on.
Dewey Riley	Wait a minute. Maybe you are a suspect.
Randy Meeks	Well if I'm a suspect, you're a suspect.
Dewey Riley	Good point. Okay, let's move on...
Dewey Riley	Good point. Okay, let's move on.

---

Mickey	Empire Strikes Back. Better story, improved effects.
Randy Meeks	Not a sequel, part of a trilogy, completely planned.

---

Randy Meeks	Oh yeah? We'll let's re-direct the moment Mr. "I'm So Original". Where's your motivation? Huh? Why copy yourself off of two high school loser ass di*kheads? Stu was a pussy ass wet rag...And Billy Loomis? Billy Loomis, what the f**k? Jesus! Talk about a rat looking homo repressed momma's boy! Why not set your goals higher huh? You wanna be one of the big boys! Huh? Manson, Bundy, O.J.
Randy Meeks	Oh yeah? We'll let's re-direct the moment Mr. 'I'm So Original'. Where's your motivation? Huh? Why copy yourself off of two high school loser ass di*kheads? Stu was a pussy ass wet rag. And Billy Loomis? Billy Loomis, what the f**k? Jesus! Talk about a rat looking homo repressed momma's boy! Why not set your goals higher huh? You wanna be one of the big boys! Huh? Manson, Bundy, O.J.

---

Mickey	(OR DEBBIE SALT?) - Why are you even here Randy? You'll never be the leading man.
Mickey	Why are you even here Randy? You'll never be the leading man.
Randy Meeks	Fuuuuuuu*k you!
Randy Meeks	Fu*k you!
Mickey	(OR DEBBIE SALT?) No matter how hard you try you'll never be the hero and you'll never ever get the girl.
Mickey	No matter how hard you try you'll never be the hero and you'll never ever get the girl.

---

Randy Meeks	(when asked how he'd make a horror movie different?) - ...I'd let the geek get the girl.
Randy Meeks	(when asked how he'd make a horror movie different?) I'd let the geek get the girl.

---

Randy Meeks

Sorry. So, what's your favorite scary movie? The Dorm that Dripped Blood, The House on Sorority Row, Graduation Day?

---

Randy Meeks	Sidney, look, it's Gale Weathers.
Sidney Prescott	What?
Randy Meeks	Star of the Gale Weathers press conference...Author of the press conference starring Gale Weathers. Soon to be a major motion picture starring Gale Weathers!
Randy Meeks	Star of the Gale Weathers press conference. Author of the press conference starring Gale Weathers. Soon to be a major motion picture starring Gale Weathers!

---

Randy Meeks

I cannot believe it. They get Tori Spelling to play Sid, and they cast Joe Blow Nobody to play me. At least you get David Schwimmer. I get the guy who drove the stagecoach for one episode of Dr. Quinn!

---

Dewey Riley	When did she start smoking?
Randy Meeks	Ever since those nude pictures on the internet.
Gale Weathers	It was just my head...it was Jennifer Aniston's body!
Gale Weathers	It was just my head. It was Jennifer Aniston's body!

---

Dewey Riley	Look, Gale's no killer.
Randy Meeks	Okay, all right then, but if she's not a killer, she's a target.

---

Randy Meeks

Get a room!

---

Mickey	(OR DEBBIE SALT?) - What's your favorite scary movie?
Mickey	What's your favorite scary movie?
Randy Meeks	Showgirls...absolutely frightening.
Randy Meeks	Showgirls. Absolutely frightening.

---

Sidney Prescott	The Fog, Terror Train, Prom Night. How come Jamie Lee Curtis is in all of these movies?
Randy Meeks	She's the "Scream Queen"!
Randy Meeks	She's the 'Scream Queen'!
Stuart	Yeah with a set of lungs like that, she should be.
Tatum Riley	Tits! See?

---

Stuart	I didn't kill anybody.
Billy Loomis	Nobody said you did.
Stuart	Thanks buddy!
Randy Meeks	Besides..."It takes a MAN to do something like that!"
Randy Meeks	Besides, 'It takes a MAN to do something like that!
Stuart	Yeah I ought to gut your ass in a second, kid.
Randy Meeks	Tell me something. Did you really put her liver in the mailbox? Because I heard they found her liver in the mailbox next to her spleen and her pancreas.

---

Stuart	Because there's no way a girl could have killed them.
Tatum Riley	That is so sexist. The killer could easily be female...Basic Instinct?
Tatum Riley	That is so sexist. The killer could easily be female. Basic Instinct?
Randy Meeks	That was an ice pick. Not exactly the same thing.
Stuart	Yeah, Casey and Steve were completely hollowed out. In fact, it takes a man to do something like that.

---

Randy Meeks

We had a run in the mass murder section.

---

Randy Meeks	Careful. This is the moment when the supposedly dead killer comes back to life, for one last scare.
Sidney Prescott	(shoots Billy after he rises up) - Not in my movie.
Sidney Prescott	(shoots Billy after he rises up) Not in my movie.

---

Stuart	You know who I think it is? I think it's her father. Why can't they find her pops man?
Randy Meeks	Because, he's probably dead. His body will come popping up in the last reel somewhere! Eyes gouged out! Fingers cut off! Teeth knocked out! See, the police are always off track with this sh*t. If they'd watch Prom Night they'd save time. There's a formula to it! A very simple formula! Everybody's a suspect! I'm telling you, the dad's a red herring. It's Billy.

---

Randy Meeks	There are certain RULES that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance, number one: you can never have sex. (crowd boo's)...BIG NO NO! BIG NO NO! Sex equals death, okay? Number two: you can never drink or do drugs...The sin factor! It's a sin. It's an extension of number one. And number three: never, ever, ever under any circumstances say, "I'll be right back." Because you won't be back.
Randy Meeks	There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance, number one: you can never have sex. (crowd boo's) BIG NO NO! BIG NO NO! Sex equals death, okay? Number two: you can never drink or do drugs. The sin factor! It's a sin. It's an extension of number one. And number three: never, ever, ever under any circumstances say, 'I'll be right back.' Because you won't be back.
Stuart	I'm getting another beer, you want one?
Randy Meeks	Yeah, sure.
Stuart	I'll be RIIIIIGGGGHHHHT BAAAAAACK!
Randy Meeks	See, you push the laws and you end up dead. Okay, I'll see you in the kitchen with a knife.

---

Randy Meeks

There's always some stupid bullsh*t reason to kill your girlfriend. That's the beauty of it all! Simplicity! Besides, if it gets too complicated, you lose your target audience.

---

Randy Meeks

It's the millennium. Motives are incidental.

---

Sidney Prescott	Oh, my God. Randy I thought you were dead.
Randy Meeks	I probably should be. I never thought I'd be so happy to be a virgin.

---

Randy Meeks	Now that Billy tried to mutilate her, do you think Sid would go out with me?
Stuart	HA-HA! No...I don't...at all!
Stuart	HA-HA! No. I don't, at all!

---

Randy Meeks

Look, here comes the obligatory tit shot.

---

Stuart	As if. That's all I'm saying...as if.
Stuart	As if. That's all I'm saying, as if.
Randy Meeks	Oh, really, Alicia?

---

Randy Meeks	If you were the only suspect in a senseless bloodbath - would you be standing in the horror section?
Randy Meeks	If you were the only suspect in a senseless bloodbath, would you be standing in the horror section?

---

Randy Meeks	(to Stu; about Billy) - What's Leatherface doing here?
Randy Meeks	(to Stu; about Billy) What's Leatherface doing here?

---

Stuart	So what are you saying is...that I killed her?
Stuart	So what are you saying is, that I killed her?
Randy Meeks	It certainly would improve your high school "Q"
Randy Meeks	It certainly would improve your high school 'Q'.
Tatum Riley	Stu was with me last night, okay?
Stuart	Yeah, I was.
Randy Meeks	Was that before or after he sliced and diced?!

---

Stuart	I wanna see breasts. I wanna see Jamie Lee's breasts. When do we see Jamie Lee's breasts?
Randy Meeks	Breasts? Not until "Trading Places" in '83. Jamie Lee was always a virgin in horror movies. She didn't show her tits 'til she went legits.
Randy Meeks	Breasts? Not until 'Trading Places' in '83. Jamie Lee was always a virgin in horror movies. She didn't show her tits 'til she went legits.

---

Randy Meeks	Listen up. They found Principal Himbry dead. He was gutted and hung from the goal post on the football field. (Drunk Teen: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go over there before they pry him down!)
Randy Meeks	Listen up. They found Principal Himbry dead. He was gutted and hung from the goal post on the football field.

---

Randy Meeks	Never, ever, ever, under any circunstances say : "I'll be right back"; 'cause you won't be back.
Randy Meeks	Never, ever, ever, under any circunstances say, 'I'll be right back', cause you won't be back.
Stuart	I'm getting another beer; you want one ?
Stuart	I'm getting another beer, you want one ?
Randy Meeks	Yeah sure.
Stuart	I'll be right back !!!
Stuart	I'll be right back!