Jamie Kennedy

Shondra:	Damn! What happened to you?
Brad Gluckman:	Shut up hoe.
Shondra:	Hoe! Who you callin' a hoe, hoe?
Brad Gluckman:	You hoe! The same hoe that gave that weak ass kiss 5 minutes ago in the bedroom.
PJ:	Shondra?
Sean:	I told you she liked white boys.

---

Randy Meeks:

I'd let the geek, get the girl.

Walter Wogaman:

Can I have my pants, please? Pants, on my legs.

---

Walter Wogaman:

Military regulations, you cannot drive. Step away from the Chenoweth, ma'am. Don't make me shoot you, ma'am.

---

Mickey:	The Empire Strikes Back. Better story, improved effects.
Randy Meeks:	Not a sequel. Part of a trilogy. Completely planned.
Hallie:	I like those little furry things.
Mickey:	They're Ewoks. They blow.

---

Sidney Prescott:	Three hundred people watched. Nobody did anything. They thought it was publicity stunt, for Christ's sakes.
Randy Meeks:	[with Cockney accent] And it would have been a good one too.
Randy Meeks:	And it would have been a good one too.
Sidney Prescott:	It's starting again Randy.
Randy Meeks:	[with Cockney accent again] It's not. A lot of shit happens at the movies. People get robbed, shot, maimed, murdered. Multiplex is just a very dangerous place to be these days.
Randy Meeks:	It's not. A lot of shit happens at the movies. People get robbed, shot, maimed, murdered. Multiplex is just a very dangerous place to be these days.
Sidney Prescott:	Yeah, and you are in extreme denial.
Sidney Prescott:	Yeah and you are in extreme denial.

---

Dewey Riley:	When did she started smoking?
Randy Meeks:	Ever since those nude pictures on the internet.
Gale Weathers:	It was just my head, it was Jennifer Aniston's body!

---

Randy Meeks:

There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to create a successful sequel. Number one: the body count is always bigger. Number two: the death scenes are always much more elaborate - more blood, more gore - *carnage candy*. And number three: never, ever, under any circumstances, assume the killer is dead.

---

Randy Meeks:	Did the police ask if you liked to hunt?
Tatum Riley:	Why would they do that? They didn't ask me.
Stuart:	Because there's no way a girl could have killed them.
Tatum Riley:	That is so sexist. The killer could have easily been a female. Basic Instinct.
Stuart:	That was an ice pick, not exactly the same thing.
Stuart:	Yeah, Casey and Steve were completely hollowed out. In fact,it takes a man to do something like that.
Tatum Riley:	Or a man's mentality.

---

Stuart:	Why would he want to kill his own girlfriend?
Randy Meeks:	There's always some stupid bullshit reason to kill your girlfriend. That's the beauty of it all! Simplicity! Besides, if it gets too complicated, you lose your target audience.

---

Randy Meeks:

[staring at Billy Loomis in the videostore] If you were the only suspect in a senseless bloodbath - would you be standing in the horror section?

---

Sidney Prescott:	Didn't you used to date Casey?
Stuart:	Yeah, for, like, two seconds!
Randy Meeks:	Til she dumped his ass for Steve!
Tatum Riley:	(To Stu) I thought you dumped her for me...
Tatum Riley:	[to Stu] I thought you dumped her for me...

---

Debbie Salt:	(As Ghostface) What's your favorite scary movie?
Debbie Salt:	[as Ghostface] What's your favorite scary movie?
Randy Meeks:	Showgirls, absolutely terrifying!

---

Dewey Riley:	Creepy Karen?
Randy Meeks:	Shut up! She's a sweet person, okay? We were working late. We were putting away some videos in the porno section, and, you know, shit happens. (shouting and knocking from the door behind him) Fifteen minutes. (it continues) Paul, fifteen minutes! I'm leaving my legacy. (it continues) Fifteen minutes, Paul! Damn! Anyway, the reason I'm here is to help you so that my death will not be in vain. That my life's work will help save some other poor soul from getting mutilated. If this killer does come back, and he's for real, there are a few things that you gotta remember. Is this simply another sequel? Well, if it is, same rules apply. But, here's the critical thing. If you find yourself dealing with an unexpected back-story, and a preponderance of exposition, then the sequel rules do not apply. Because you are not dealing with a sequel. You are dealing with the concluding chapter of a trilogy. That's right. It's a rarity in the horror field, but it does exist, and it is a force to be reckoned with. Because true trilogies are all about going back to the beginning and discovering something that wasn't true from the get-go. Godfather, Jedi, all revealed something that we thought was true that wasn't true. So if it is a trilogy you are dealing with, here are some super trilogy rules. One: you've got a killer who's gonna be superhuman. Stabbing him won't work. Shooting him won't work. Basically, in the third one, you've gotta cryogenically freeze his head, decapitate him, or blow him up. Number two: anyone, including the main character, can die. This means you, Sid. I'm sorry. It's the final chapter. It could be fucking Reservoir Dogs by the time this thing is through. Number three: the past will come back to bite you in the ass. Whatever you think you know about the past, forget it. The past is not at rest! Any sins you think were committed in the past are about to break out and destroy you. (long pause) So in closing, let me say...good luck, godspeed, and for some of you, I'll see you soon. 'Cause the rules say some of you ain't gonna make it. I didn't. Not if you're watching this tape (the video promptly ends)
Randy Meeks:	Shut up! She's a sweet person, okay? We were working late. We were putting away some videos in the porno section, and, you know, shit happens. (shouting and knocking from the door behind him) Fifteen minutes. (it continues) Paul, fifteen minutes! I'm leaving my legacy. (it continues) Fifteen minutes, Paul! Damn! Anyway, the reason I'm here is to help you so that my death will not be in vain. That my life's work will help save some other poor soul from getting mutilated. If this killer does come back, and he's for real, there are a few things that you gotta remember. Is this simply another sequel? Well, if it is, same rules apply. But, here's the critical thing. If you find yourself dealing with an unexpected back-story, and a preponderance of exposition, then the sequel rules do not apply. Because you are not dealing with a sequel. You are dealing with the concluding chapter of a trilogy. That's right. It's a rarity in the horror field, but it does exist, and it is a force to be reckoned with. Because true trilogies are all about going back to the beginning and discovering something that wasn't true from the get-go. Godfather, Jedi, all revealed something that we thought was true that wasn't true. So if it is a trilogy you are dealing with, here are some super trilogy rules. One: you've got a killer who's gonna be superhuman. Stabbing him won't work. Shooting him won't work. Basically, in the third one, you've gotta cryogenically freeze his head, decapitate him, or blow him up. Number two: anyone, including the main character, can die. This means you, Sid. I'm sorry. It's the final chapter. It could be fucking Reservoir Dogs by the time this thing is through. Number three: the past will come back to bite you in the ass. Whatever you think you know about the past, forget it. The past is not at rest! Any sins you think were committed in the past are about to break out and destroy you. (long pause) So in closing, let me say...good luck, godspeed, and for some of you, I'll see you soon. 'Cause the rules say some of you ain't gonna make it. I didn't. Not if you're watching this tape (the video promptly ends).

---

Randy Meeks:	Maybe wouldn't have sex with him...
Stuart:	what, is she savin' herself for you?
Stuart:	What, is she savin' herself for you?
Randy Meeks:	maybe.
Randy Meeks:	Maybe.

---

Theo Gold:

Technically no. But he did order a lot of donuts.

---

Randy Meeks:	There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance: 1. You can never have sex. The minute you get a little nookie--you're as good as gone. Sex always equals death. 2. Never drink or do drugs. The sin factor. It's an extension of number one. And 3. Never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, say "I'll be right back."
Randy Meeks:	There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance: 1. You can never have sex. The minute you get a little nookie--you're as good as gone. Sex always equals death. 2. Never drink or do drugs. The sin factor. It's an extension of number one. And 3. Never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, say 'I'll be right back.'

---

Major Archie Gates:	Though's don't work in the day time
Major Archie Gates:	Though's don't work in the day time.
Walter Wogaman:	They kinda do
Walter Wogaman:	They kinda do.

---

Randy Meeks:	can't you see she's planning for her next book, that's what reporter's do Dewey, they stage the news!
Randy Meeks:	Can't you see she's planning for her next book, that's what reporter's do Dewey, they stage the news!
Dewey Riley:	No, Gale's a lot of things, but gale's not a killer...
Randy Meeks:	com'on just because your sweet on her...
Randy Meeks:	Com'on just because your sweet on her...
Dewey Riley:	no I'm not..
Dewey Riley:	No I'm not..
Randy Meeks:	Please! this is me,talking Randy, the unrequited love slave of Sidney Prescott, know all about obsession (shows his bullet shut to Dewey) and pain...
Randy Meeks:	Please! this is me,talking Randy, the unrequited love slave of Sidney Prescott, know all about obsession [shows his bullet shut to Dewey] and pain...

---

Dave:	But movies cost millions of dollars to make.
Bobby Bowfinger:	That's after gross net deduction profit percentage deferment ten percent of the nut. Cash, every movie cost $2,184.

---

Randy Meeks:	(Randy answered the cellphone)Gale's not here!
Randy Meeks:	[Randy answered the cellphone] Gale's not here!
Mickey:	(with the voice of ghostface) I'm not interrupting anything am i? you little three are deep in thought, have you ever felt the knife cut through human flesh and scrape the bone beneath.... hehehehe....
Mickey:	[with the voice of ghostface] I'm not interrupting anything am I? you little three are deep in thought, have you ever felt the knife cut through human flesh and scrape the bone beneath.... hehehehe....

---

Brad Gluckman:	Traffic traffic Looking for my chapstick Feeling kinda carsick There's a ford maverick
Brad Gluckman:	Traffic traffic Looking for my chapstick Feeling kinda carsick There's a ford maverick.

---

Evil Ice Cream Man:	I want my coil.
Dobbs:	I want my handheld!
Evil Ice Cream Man:	What'd you say, punk?
Dobbs:	I said "I want my handheld."
Dobbs:	I said 'I want my handheld.'
Evil Ice Cream Man:	You want your handheld?
Dobbs:	Yeah. You heard me. I said "I want my handheld."
Dobbs:	Yeah. You heard me. I said 'I want my handheld.'
Evil Ice Cream Man:	You want me to hold your hand?
Dobbs:	No!
Evil Ice Cream Man:	Need somebody to hold his hand! Little baby! Little baby!

---

Randy Meeks:	What's your favorite scary movie?
Mickey:	[as Ghostface] You'll never find me!
Randy Meeks:	Yeah, what do you care? Let them have their fun.
Mickey:	[as Ghostface] What's your favorite scary movie?
Randy Meeks:	Showgirls. Absolutely frightening.

---

Randy Meeks:	[Gale's phone rings and Randy answers it] Gale's not here!
Mickey:	[as Ghostface] I'm not interrupting anything, am I? You three look deep in thought. Have you ever felt a knife cut through human flesh and scrape the bone beneath? [maniacal laugh]
Randy Meeks:	It's him.
Dewey Riley:	Who?
Randy Meeks:	The killer. He can see us. All three of us.

---

Randy Meeks:	[discussing with Dewey who is the killer] Hallie.
Dewey Riley:	Sid's roommate? No, serial killers are typically white male.
Randy Meeks:	That's why it's perfect. It's sort of against the rules, but not really. Mrs. Voorhees was a terrific serial killer, and there's always room for Candyman's daughter. She's sweet, she's deadly, she's bad for your teeth.

---

Randy Meeks:	Don't ever, EVER say I'll be right back, cause you won't be back.
Stuart:	I'm getting another beer, want one?.
Stuart:	I'm getting another beer, want one?
Randy Meeks:	Yes, sure.
Randy Meeks:	Yeah, sure.
Stuart:	I'll be right back!.
Stuart:	I'll be right back!

---

Dewey Riley:	Trilogy?
Randy Meeks:	That's right, it's a rarity in the horror field but it does exist, and it is a force to be reckoned with. Because true trilogies are all about going back to the beginning and discovering something that wasn't true from the get go. Godfather, Jedi, all revealed something that we thought was true that wasn't true. So if it is a trilogy you are dealing with, here are some super trilogy rules: 1. You got a killer who's going to be super human. Stabbing him won't work. Shooting him won't work. Basically in the third one you gotta cryogenically freeze his head, decapitate him, or blow him up. 2. Anyone including the main character can die. This means you Sid. I'm sorry. It's the final chapter. It could be fu**ing "Reservoir Dogs" by the time this thing is through. Number 3. The past will come back to bite you in the ass. Whatever you think you know about the past, forget it. The past is not at rest. Any sins you think were committed in the past are about to break out and destroy you. So in closing, let me say good luck, god speed, and for some of you, I'll see you soon. 'Cause the rules say some of you ain't gonna make it. I didn't, not if you're watching this tape.
Randy Meeks:	That's right, it's a rarity in the horror field but it does exist, and it is a force to be reckoned with. Because true trilogies are all about going back to the beginning and discovering something that wasn't true from the get go. Godfather, Jedi, all revealed something that we thought was true that wasn't true. So if it is a trilogy you are dealing with, here are some super trilogy rules: 1. You got a killer who's going to be super human. Stabbing him won't work. Shooting him won't work. Basically in the third one you gotta cryogenically freeze his head, decapitate him, or blow him up. 2. Anyone including the main character can die. This means you Sid. I'm sorry. It's the final chapter. It could be fu**ing 'Reservoir Dogs' by the time this thing is through. Number 3. The past will come back to bite you in the ass. Whatever you think you know about the past, forget it. The past is not at rest. Any sins you think were committed in the past are about to break out and destroy you. So in closing, let me say good luck, god speed, and for some of you, I'll see you soon. 'Cause the rules say some of you ain't gonna make it. I didn't, not if you're watching this tape.

---

Randy Meeks:

A lot of sh*t happens at the movies, people get robbed, shot, maimed, murdered. Multiplexes are very dangerous places to be these days.

---

Randy Meeks:	It's deputy Dew...Woodsboro's finest! What's he doing here?
Randy Meeks:	It's deputy Dew. Woodsboro's finest! What's he doing here?

---

Dewey Riley:	Typically, serial killers are white male.
Randy Meeks:	That's why it's perfect! It's sort of against the rules but not really. Mrs. Voorhees was a terrific serial killer, and there's always room for Candyman's daughter. She's sweet, she's deadly, she's bad for your teeth.

---

Randy Meeks:	There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to create a successful sequel. Number one: the body count is always bigger. Number two: the death scenes are always much more elaborate - more blood, more gore - "carnage candy". And number three: never, ever, under any circumstances, assume the killer is dead.
Randy Meeks:	There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to create a successful sequel. Number one: the body count is always bigger. Number two: the death scenes are always much more elaborate - more blood, more gore - 'carnage candy'. And number three: never, ever, under any circumstances, assume the killer is dead.

---

Randy Meeks:	Mickey, the freaky Tarantino film student. But if he's a suspect, so am I. Let's move on.
Dewey Riley:	Wait a minute. Maybe you are a suspect.
Randy Meeks:	Well if I'm a suspect, you're a suspect.
Dewey Riley:	Good point. Okay, let's move on...
Dewey Riley:	Good point. Okay, let's move on.

---

Mickey:	Empire Strikes Back. Better story, improved effects.
Randy Meeks:	Not a sequel, part of a trilogy, completely planned.

---

Randy Meeks:	Oh yeah? We'll let's re-direct the moment Mr. "I'm So Original". Where's your motivation? Huh? Why copy yourself off of two high school loser ass di*kheads? Stu was a pussy ass wet rag...And Billy Loomis? Billy Loomis, what the f**k? Jesus! Talk about a rat looking homo repressed momma's boy! Why not set your goals higher huh? You wanna be one of the big boys! Huh? Manson, Bundy, O.J.
Randy Meeks:	Oh yeah? We'll let's re-direct the moment Mr. 'I'm So Original'. Where's your motivation? Huh? Why copy yourself off of two high school loser ass di*kheads? Stu was a pussy ass wet rag. And Billy Loomis? Billy Loomis, what the f**k? Jesus! Talk about a rat looking homo repressed momma's boy! Why not set your goals higher huh? You wanna be one of the big boys! Huh? Manson, Bundy, O.J.

---

Mickey:	(OR DEBBIE SALT?) - Why are you even here Randy? You'll never be the leading man.
Mickey:	Why are you even here Randy? You'll never be the leading man.
Randy Meeks:	Fuuuuuuu*k you!
Randy Meeks:	Fu*k you!
Mickey:	(OR DEBBIE SALT?) No matter how hard you try you'll never be the hero and you'll never ever get the girl.
Mickey:	No matter how hard you try you'll never be the hero and you'll never ever get the girl.

---

Randy Meeks:	(when asked how he'd make a horror movie different?) - ...I'd let the geek get the girl.
Randy Meeks:	(when asked how he'd make a horror movie different?) I'd let the geek get the girl.

---

Randy Meeks:

Sorry. So, what's your favorite scary movie? The Dorm that Dripped Blood, The House on Sorority Row, Graduation Day?

---

Randy Meeks:	Sidney, look, it's Gale Weathers.
Sidney Prescott:	What?
Randy Meeks:	Star of the Gale Weathers press conference...Author of the press conference starring Gale Weathers. Soon to be a major motion picture starring Gale Weathers!
Randy Meeks:	Star of the Gale Weathers press conference. Author of the press conference starring Gale Weathers. Soon to be a major motion picture starring Gale Weathers!

---

Randy Meeks:

I cannot believe it. They get Tori Spelling to play Sid, and they cast Joe Blow Nobody to play me. At least you get David Schwimmer. I get the guy who drove the stagecoach for one episode of Dr. Quinn!

---

Dewey Riley:	When did she start smoking?
Randy Meeks:	Ever since those nude pictures on the internet.
Gale Weathers:	It was just my head...it was Jennifer Aniston's body!
Gale Weathers:	It was just my head. It was Jennifer Aniston's body!

---

Dewey Riley:	Look, Gale's no killer.
Randy Meeks:	Okay, all right then, but if she's not a killer, she's a target.

---

Randy Meeks:

Get a room!

---

Mickey:	(OR DEBBIE SALT?) - What's your favorite scary movie?
Mickey:	What's your favorite scary movie?
Randy Meeks:	Showgirls...absolutely frightening.
Randy Meeks:	Showgirls. Absolutely frightening.

---

Sidney Prescott:	The Fog, Terror Train, Prom Night. How come Jamie Lee Curtis is in all of these movies?
Randy Meeks:	She's the "Scream Queen"!
Randy Meeks:	She's the 'Scream Queen'!
Stuart:	Yeah with a set of lungs like that, she should be.
Tatum Riley:	Tits! See?

---

Stuart:	I didn't kill anybody.
Billy Loomis:	Nobody said you did.
Stuart:	Thanks buddy!
Randy Meeks:	Besides..."It takes a MAN to do something like that!"
Randy Meeks:	Besides, 'It takes a MAN to do something like that!
Stuart:	Yeah I ought to gut your ass in a second, kid.
Randy Meeks:	Tell me something. Did you really put her liver in the mailbox? Because I heard they found her liver in the mailbox next to her spleen and her pancreas.

---

Stuart:	Because there's no way a girl could have killed them.
Tatum Riley:	That is so sexist. The killer could easily be female...Basic Instinct?
Tatum Riley:	That is so sexist. The killer could easily be female. Basic Instinct?
Randy Meeks:	That was an ice pick. Not exactly the same thing.
Stuart:	Yeah, Casey and Steve were completely hollowed out. In fact, it takes a man to do something like that.

---

Randy Meeks:

We had a run in the mass murder section.

---

Randy Meeks:	Careful. This is the moment when the supposedly dead killer comes back to life, for one last scare.
Sidney Prescott:	(shoots Billy after he rises up) - Not in my movie.
Sidney Prescott:	(shoots Billy after he rises up) Not in my movie.

---

Stuart:	You know who I think it is? I think it's her father. Why can't they find her pops man?
Randy Meeks:	Because, he's probably dead. His body will come popping up in the last reel somewhere! Eyes gouged out! Fingers cut off! Teeth knocked out! See, the police are always off track with this sh*t. If they'd watch Prom Night they'd save time. There's a formula to it! A very simple formula! Everybody's a suspect! I'm telling you, the dad's a red herring. It's Billy.

---

Randy Meeks:	There are certain RULES that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance, number one: you can never have sex. (crowd boo's)...BIG NO NO! BIG NO NO! Sex equals death, okay? Number two: you can never drink or do drugs...The sin factor! It's a sin. It's an extension of number one. And number three: never, ever, ever under any circumstances say, "I'll be right back." Because you won't be back.
Randy Meeks:	There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance, number one: you can never have sex. (crowd boo's) BIG NO NO! BIG NO NO! Sex equals death, okay? Number two: you can never drink or do drugs. The sin factor! It's a sin. It's an extension of number one. And number three: never, ever, ever under any circumstances say, 'I'll be right back.' Because you won't be back.
Stuart:	I'm getting another beer, you want one?
Randy Meeks:	Yeah, sure.
Stuart:	I'll be RIIIIIGGGGHHHHT BAAAAAACK!
Randy Meeks:	See, you push the laws and you end up dead. Okay, I'll see you in the kitchen with a knife.

---

Randy Meeks:

There's always some stupid bullsh*t reason to kill your girlfriend. That's the beauty of it all! Simplicity! Besides, if it gets too complicated, you lose your target audience.

---

Randy Meeks:

It's the millennium. Motives are incidental.

---

Sidney Prescott:	Oh, my God. Randy I thought you were dead.
Randy Meeks:	I probably should be. I never thought I'd be so happy to be a virgin.

---

Randy Meeks:	Now that Billy tried to mutilate her, do you think Sid would go out with me?
Stuart:	HA-HA! No...I don't...at all!
Stuart:	HA-HA! No. I don't, at all!

---

Randy Meeks:

Look, here comes the obligatory tit shot.

---

Stuart:	As if. That's all I'm saying...as if.
Stuart:	As if. That's all I'm saying, as if.
Randy Meeks:	Oh, really, Alicia?

---

Randy Meeks:	If you were the only suspect in a senseless bloodbath - would you be standing in the horror section?
Randy Meeks:	If you were the only suspect in a senseless bloodbath, would you be standing in the horror section?

---

Randy Meeks:	(to Stu; about Billy) - What's Leatherface doing here?
Randy Meeks:	(to Stu; about Billy) What's Leatherface doing here?

---

Stuart:	So what are you saying is...that I killed her?
Stuart:	So what are you saying is, that I killed her?
Randy Meeks:	It certainly would improve your high school "Q"
Randy Meeks:	It certainly would improve your high school 'Q'.
Tatum Riley:	Stu was with me last night, okay?
Stuart:	Yeah, I was.
Randy Meeks:	Was that before or after he sliced and diced?!

---

Stuart:	I wanna see breasts. I wanna see Jamie Lee's breasts. When do we see Jamie Lee's breasts?
Randy Meeks:	Breasts? Not until "Trading Places" in '83. Jamie Lee was always a virgin in horror movies. She didn't show her tits 'til she went legits.
Randy Meeks:	Breasts? Not until 'Trading Places' in '83. Jamie Lee was always a virgin in horror movies. She didn't show her tits 'til she went legits.

---

Randy Meeks:	Listen up. They found Principal Himbry dead. He was gutted and hung from the goal post on the football field. (Drunk Teen: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go over there before they pry him down!)
Randy Meeks:	Listen up. They found Principal Himbry dead. He was gutted and hung from the goal post on the football field.

---

Randy Meeks:	Never, ever, ever, under any circunstances say : "I'll be right back"; 'cause you won't be back.
Randy Meeks:	Never, ever, ever, under any circunstances say, 'I'll be right back', cause you won't be back.
Stuart:	I'm getting another beer; you want one ?
Stuart:	I'm getting another beer, you want one ?
Randy Meeks:	Yeah sure.
Stuart:	I'll be right back !!!
Stuart:	I'll be right back!

---