Jason Schwartzman

I can write a hit play. Why can't I have a little drink to unwind myself?

Wheres my bandit hat!

Usually I don't like my work, I tend not to, but I like my boss, so that gives me something to look forward to.

Never a good idea. Keying someones car.

This is my impersonation of a person from the south upset.

You literally sleep all day. It's not good for you to get that much sleep.

I guess you've just gotta find something you love to do and then... do it for the rest of your life. For me, it's going to Rushmore.

Tell that stupid Mick he just made my list of things to do today.

What is wrong with his leg?

He got shot.

That's hardly surprising. Can I expect anymore drama from anyone else?

Tell that stupid Mick he just made my list of things to do today.

A kid got his finger blown off during rehearsals.

Hello Magnus. I'd have shot you in the other ear, but it got blown off a long time ago.

Piranha's are a very tricky species.

Although, I will say... that Edward has more spark and character, and imagination in one fingernail than Herman Blume has in his entire body.

Although, I will say that Edward has more spark, character, and imagination in one fingernail than Herman Blume has in his entire body.

One dead fingernail.

Right. .. One dead fingernail.

Right. One dead fingernail.

[to Rosemary]: Rushmore was my life, now you are.

Rushmore was my life, now you are.

I just sit here while my guitar quietly whimpers.

Well you are the quiet one so why don't you shut the fuck up!

I've got a song about an octopus.

Jam it up your ass. You're lucky we still let you play the drums!

I weight less than a slice of bread.

Nobody sits like this rock sits. You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need.

"I can't offer you a legally binding union, it won't hold up in the state, the county or frankly any court in the world due to your age, lack of a license and failure to get parental consent BUT the ritual does carry a very important moral weight within yourselves - you can't enter into this lightly. Look into my eyes - do you love each other"

I can't offer you a legally binding union, it won't hold up in the state, the county or frankly any court in the world due to your age, lack of a license and failure to get parental consent BUT the ritual does carry a very important moral weight within yourselves - you can't enter into this lightly. Look into my eyes - do you love each other?

I like your nurses uniform, guy.

These are OR scrubs.

'Oh, are' they?

"You want pop? You want candy? You want a snake-bite kit? Get some money."

You want pop? You want candy? You want a snake-bite kit? Get some money.

Take the carbon. Leave the bible.

I'm keeping the nickels!

Ash! Let's get cracking!

I'm sick.

Your not sick.

I have a temperature.

You don't have a temperature.

I don't wanna go.

Hurry up, your gonna be late. (Ash walks to get ready)

Hurry up, your gonna be late. [Ash walks to get ready]

I can fight my own fights.

No you can`t.

I saved Latin. What did YOU ever do?

You don't love me!

Yes, I do!

I love you, too, but I'm going to mace you in the face!

You were in Vietnam, right?

Yeah.

Were you in the shit?

Yeah, I was in the shit.

Maybe I'm spending too much of my time starting up clubs and putting on plays. I should probably be trying harder to score chicks.

Has it ever crossed your mind that you're far too young for me?

It crossed my mind that you might consider that a possibility, yeah.

i don't give a shit about the baracuda

I don't give a shit about the barracuda.

I wrote a song about an octopus

I wrote a song about an octopus.

Jam it up your ass, your lucky will let you play the drums

Jam it up your ass, your lucky will let you play the drums.

Jam it up your ass. You're lucky we still let you play the drums!

I know what it's like to feel different.

I'm not different, am I?

We all are -- him especially -- but thereâ??s something kind of fantastic about that, isn't there?

We all are -- him especially -- but there's something kind of fantastic about that, isn't there?

What's the 'K' for?

It's for pep.

Pep? It's a 'K'!

We're going steady.

I'm here to rescue you.

I've got mixed feelings about that.

Am I getting better, Coach?

Well, you're sure as cuss not getting any worse.

What's that stand for?

Huh? Uh, it for...it's for "Pep."

Huh? Uh, it for... it's for 'Pep.'

Pep? It's a "K."

Pep? It's a 'K.'

...we're going steady.

We're going steady.

I saved Latin. What did you ever do?

Harvard is my safety.

My safety's Harvard.

She's my Rushmore.

I know. She was mine too.

Hey buddy!

Save it. (Takes jacket off) You're pretentious. This club sucks. I got beef. Let's do it.

Save it. [Takes jacket off] You're pretentious. This club sucks. I got beef. Let's do it.

Scotty, you can cheat on all the ladies you like... but you can't cheat death.

He just came here and he gets a Bandit hat? Where's MY Bandit hat?! Why didn't I get shot at? You guys think I can never do anything! Well, maybe you're right.

He just came here and he gets a Bandit hat? Where's MY Bandit hat?! Why didn't I get shot at? You think I'm no good at anything! Well maybe your right thanks!

You're supposed to be my lab partner.

I am your lab partner.

No you're not. You're disloyal.

You made me swallow my gum! That's going to be in my digestive tract for seven years!

(Walks up to Gideon)

Oh yeah, that's my girl.

(Leans in towards Gideon) Let's both be girls. (Knees him in the crotch)

These are O.R. scrubs.

O.R. they?

O, R they?

Game Over!

Scotty you can cheat on these ladies all you like, but you can't cheat death

Scotty you can cheat on these ladies all you like, but you can't cheat death.

I wonder if the three of us would've been friends in real life. Not as brothers, but as people.

There's alot of attitudes going around here. Don't make me get one.

It's just-

Sleep wherever you want, man. Here, take my bed. I'll just crawl under the bookcase. Who cares if I get splinters in my ears?

Never mind.

Oh, you gonna pout about it? 'Cause I've had it up to here with the sad house guest routine!