Jason Schwartzman

Max Fischer says: I can write a hit play. Why can't I have a little drink to unwind myself?

Ash says: Wheres my bandit hat!

Larry says: Usually I don't like my work, I tend not to, but I like my boss, so that gives me something to look forward to.

Larry says: Never a good idea. Keying someones car.

Larry says: This is my impersonation of a person from the south upset.

Larry says: You literally sleep all day. It's not good for you to get that much sleep.

Max Fischer says: I guess you've just gotta find something you love to do and then... do it for the rest of your life. For me, it's going to Rushmore.

Max Fischer says: Tell that stupid Mick he just made my list of things to do today.

P.L. Travers says: What is wrong with his leg?

Richard Morton Sherman says: He got shot.

P.L. Travers says: That's hardly surprising. Can I expect anymore drama from anyone else?

Max Fischer says: Tell that stupid Mick he just made my list of things to do today.

Max Fischer says: A kid got his finger blown off during rehearsals.

Max Fischer says: Hello Magnus. I'd have shot you in the other ear, but it got blown off a long time ago.

Max Fischer says: Piranha's are a very tricky species.

Rosemary Cross says: Although, I will say... that Edward has more spark and character, and imagination in one fingernail than Herman Blume has in his entire body.

Rosemary Cross says: Although, I will say that Edward has more spark, character, and imagination in one fingernail than Herman Blume has in his entire body.

Max Fischer says: One dead fingernail.

Rosemary Cross says: Right. .. One dead fingernail.

Rosemary Cross says: Right. One dead fingernail.

Max Fischer says: [to Rosemary]: Rushmore was my life, now you are.

Max Fischer says: Rushmore was my life, now you are.

George Harrison says: I just sit here while my guitar quietly whimpers.

Paul McCartney says: Well you are the quiet one so why don't you shut the fuck up!

Ringo Starr says: I've got a song about an octopus.

John Lennon says: Jam it up your ass. You're lucky we still let you play the drums!

Ash says: I weight less than a slice of bread.

Albert Markovski says: Nobody sits like this rock sits. You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need.

Cousin Ben says: "I can't offer you a legally binding union, it won't hold up in the state, the county or frankly any court in the world due to your age, lack of a license and failure to get parental consent BUT the ritual does carry a very important moral weight within yourselves - you can't enter into this lightly. Look into my eyes - do you love each other"

Cousin Ben says: I can't offer you a legally binding union, it won't hold up in the state, the county or frankly any court in the world due to your age, lack of a license and failure to get parental consent BUT the ritual does carry a very important moral weight within yourselves - you can't enter into this lightly. Look into my eyes - do you love each other?

Max Fischer says: I like your nurses uniform, guy.

Dr. Peter Flynn says: These are OR scrubs.

Max Fischer says: 'Oh, are' they?

Cousin Ben says: "You want pop? You want candy? You want a snake-bite kit? Get some money."

Cousin Ben says: You want pop? You want candy? You want a snake-bite kit? Get some money.

Cousin Ben says: Take the carbon. Leave the bible.

Cousin Ben says: I'm keeping the nickels!

Mrs. Fox says: Ash! Let's get cracking!

Ash says: I'm sick.

Mrs. Fox says: Your not sick.

Ash says: I have a temperature.

Mrs. Fox says: You don't have a temperature.

Ash says: I don't wanna go.

Mrs. Fox says: Hurry up, your gonna be late. (Ash walks to get ready)

Mrs. Fox says: Hurry up, your gonna be late. [Ash walks to get ready]

Ash says: I can fight my own fights.

Kristofferson says: No you can`t.

Max Fischer says: I saved Latin. What did YOU ever do?

Francis Whitman says: You don't love me!

Peter Whitman says: Yes, I do!

Jack Whitman says: I love you, too, but I'm going to mace you in the face!

Max Fischer says: You were in Vietnam, right?

Herman Blume says: Yeah.

Max Fischer says: Were you in the shit?

Herman Blume says: Yeah, I was in the shit.

Max Fischer says: Maybe I'm spending too much of my time starting up clubs and putting on plays. I should probably be trying harder to score chicks.

Rosemary Cross says: Has it ever crossed your mind that you're far too young for me?

Max Fischer says: It crossed my mind that you might consider that a possibility, yeah.

Max Fischer says: i don't give a shit about the baracuda

Max Fischer says: I don't give a shit about the barracuda.

Ringo Starr says: I wrote a song about an octopus

Ringo Starr says: I wrote a song about an octopus.

John Lennon says: Jam it up your ass, your lucky will let you play the drums

John Lennon says: Jam it up your ass, your lucky will let you play the drums.

John Lennon says: Jam it up your ass. You're lucky we still let you play the drums!

Mrs. Fox says: I know what it's like to feel different.

Ash says: I'm not different, am I?

Mrs. Fox says: We all are -- him especially -- but thereâ??s something kind of fantastic about that, isn't there?

Mrs. Fox says: We all are -- him especially -- but there's something kind of fantastic about that, isn't there?

Ash says: What's the 'K' for?

Agnes says: It's for pep.

Ash says: Pep? It's a 'K'!

Agnes says: We're going steady.

Ash says: I'm here to rescue you.

Kristofferson says: I've got mixed feelings about that.

Ash says: Am I getting better, Coach?

Coach Skip says: Well, you're sure as cuss not getting any worse.

Ash says: What's that stand for?

Agnes says: Huh? Uh, it for...it's for "Pep."

Agnes says: Huh? Uh, it for... it's for 'Pep.'

Ash says: Pep? It's a "K."

Ash says: Pep? It's a 'K.'

Agnes says: ...we're going steady.

Agnes says: We're going steady.

Max Fischer says: I saved Latin. What did you ever do?

Max Fischer says: Harvard is my safety.

Max Fischer says: My safety's Harvard.

Herman Blume says: She's my Rushmore.

Max Fischer says: I know. She was mine too.

Gideon Graves says: Hey buddy!

Scott Pilgrim says: Save it. (Takes jacket off) You're pretentious. This club sucks. I got beef. Let's do it.

Scott Pilgrim says: Save it. [Takes jacket off] You're pretentious. This club sucks. I got beef. Let's do it.

Gideon Graves says: Scotty, you can cheat on all the ladies you like... but you can't cheat death.

Ash says: He just came here and he gets a Bandit hat? Where's MY Bandit hat?! Why didn't I get shot at? You guys think I can never do anything! Well, maybe you're right.

Ash says: He just came here and he gets a Bandit hat? Where's MY Bandit hat?! Why didn't I get shot at? You think I'm no good at anything! Well maybe your right thanks!

Ash says: You're supposed to be my lab partner.

Agnes says: I am your lab partner.

Ash says: No you're not. You're disloyal.

Gideon Graves says: You made me swallow my gum! That's going to be in my digestive tract for seven years!

Ramona Flowers says: (Walks up to Gideon)

Gideon Graves says: Oh yeah, that's my girl.

Ramona Flowers says: (Leans in towards Gideon) Let's both be girls. (Knees him in the crotch)

Dr. Peter Flynn says: These are O.R. scrubs.

Max Fischer says: O.R. they?

Max Fischer says: O, R they?

Gideon Graves says: Game Over!

Gideon Graves says: Scotty you can cheat on these ladies all you like, but you can't cheat death

Gideon Graves says: Scotty you can cheat on these ladies all you like, but you can't cheat death.

Jack Whitman says: I wonder if the three of us would've been friends in real life. Not as brothers, but as people.

Ash says: There's alot of attitudes going around here. Don't make me get one.

Kristofferson says: It's just-

Ash says: Sleep wherever you want, man. Here, take my bed. I'll just crawl under the bookcase. Who cares if I get splinters in my ears?

Kristofferson says: Never mind.

Ash says: Oh, you gonna pout about it? 'Cause I've had it up to here with the sad house guest routine!