Piranha 3-D Reviews
2010's "Piranha 3D" is no different, but I'm pressed to call it as much fun as "Deep Blue Sea" or its 1978 counterpart because it more prominently resembles a violent sexploitation film than a cheekily humorous creature feature. Moments shine in their trope welcoming panache, from a climax that features the classic Get Out of the Water line (which, of course, only means that all innocent parties cringingly make their way into the water with prompt disobedience) to the never tiring cliché of skinny dipping beauties taking a swim at precisely the worst moment in time. But the film's perhaps too generous with its flashes of pink and its focusing on mind-numbingly misguided persons, and so it feels like a spoof that also doesn't appear to much be in on the joke.
"Piranha 3D," as expected, revolves around a small town's hellacious spring break following the flukey release of prehistoric piranhas into its tourist attracting waters. The solving of the issue is up to the admirably patient Sheriff Julie Forester (Elisabeth Shue) and a band of desperate law enforcement agents, with our emotions conversely being manipulated by the fact that her children (Steven R. McQueen, Brooklyn Proulx, Sage Ryan) rebel against her and accidentally find themselves being terrorized by the man-eating gaggle of fishes.
Whether calling the film a race against time is up to the viewer, but because trying to off thousands of toothy beasts is next to impossible when quick reproduction is a thing, it's more fitting to call "Piranha 3D" a battle that will never really be won. But the thrills are mostly efficient and the performances are decent - take its barely better than SyFy channel special effects or its stabs at parody seriously and you'll get nowhere.
My problem with "Piranha 3D," though, doesn't much have to do with any of the aforementioned characteristics - my problem is that I find it too troublingly sleazy to be fun. It spreads its grease too thickly - the pornography subplot is fun for two minutes before it starts to become monotonous - and as a result its tension is botched because we get to know its chintzy side protagonists better than we do the far more interesting Shue and Adam Scott led grouping of real-life superheroes.
So I'd call it all uneven, but its moments of joyous bloodlines are still acutely effectual. It gets the job done, sure - I'm just not so positive than the final result is as in on the joke as I'd like it to be. At least the final shot is killer and at least the defining climactic bloodbath is beautifully insane. Both count, much as I'd like to write "Piranha 3D" completely off.
I think its 18+
:: A movie review by Brett Epstein ::
It's actually been a while since I've seen a movie where nearly every single scene does not work. I haven't loved (or even liked) most movies I've seen recently (the awkward 'Charlie St. Cloud' or the obnoxious 'Scott Pilgrim vs. the World') however those movies had at least a few redeeming qualities or were interesting/compelling in some small capacity, whether it be because of an actor or a stylistic choice.
The same cannot be said for 'PIRANHA 3D,' the latest horror flick from Alexandre Aja, who brought us 'The Hills Have Eyes' (unnecessary and unforgivably gruesome) and 'High Tension' (better). There are so many problems with this movie, I don't even know where to begin.
Aja needed to PICK A GENRE before he started shooting this film...and simply put, he never did. I hated 'The Hills Have Eyes' but at least the director knew it was a horror film. There was no sense that Aja was trying to create a comedy there. In fact, the horror grew to be excessive and depressing. In PIRANHA, he is unsure if he wants to scare the audience or make us laugh. Unfortunately, he does neither. Not one line of dialogue is funny or clever in the script to begin with, but on top of that the actors don't deliver the mediocre lines in any fun or interesting ways. And it's impossible for us to be scared because we can't even see what's going on. We see young spring-breakers jumping out of the water, blood everywhere, but we barely see the fish. Then when we do, we laugh, unintentionally, because 1) they are created terribly with CGI and 2) they are literal prehistoric creatures who arose from an underwater tremor FOR NO REASON. I would have preferred, and been more scared of, actual piranhas. Show me actual piranhas attacking people. Them shits are scary little sons-of-bitches. I don't need prehistoric piranhas attacking my springbreakers. I know some of you think that sounds 'badass,' but wait until you see these things. Laughable.
There is no excitement to be had in any scene. In fact, I went to the bathroom for five minutes towards the end and was more excited by having to find my way out of the theater in the dark. That was a more thrilling, fun, worthwhile adventure than anything on screen. Walking. To the bathroom. And peeing. Was more fun than this film. I'm serious.
The 3D is lame. There are some chuckles when we see 3D boobs and a 3D penis, but is a 3D penis worth $15? No, it comes and goes so quickly (as penises always do) but at least in life you don't have to pay $15 to see a penis. They come free when you date someone or just hook up with someone. What I'm saying is...go and hook up with someone, anyone - a boyfriend, a neighbor, a friend with benefits - instead of seeing this movie. You will be more fulfilled and have way more fun and it will be much cheaper. Even if it's disappointing, you didn't pay $15 for it (hopefully, unless you hooked up with a prostitute, which I'm not telling you to do).
Most interesting moment in the film features Christopher Lloyd channeling his "Back to the Future" character with a scientific explanation for the prehistoric piranhas. Does his character have a reason for existing... or does his speech make a lick of sense? Absolutely not. But hey, it's Christopher Lloyd. And I was listening to him because he spoke in a funny way. He should have been in 3D. Then maybe... just maybe... this movie would have gotten * 1/2 instead of *.
* it is.