Piranha 3-D Reviews
:: A movie review by Brett Epstein ::
It's actually been a while since I've seen a movie where nearly every single scene does not work. I haven't loved (or even liked) most movies I've seen recently (the awkward 'Charlie St. Cloud' or the obnoxious 'Scott Pilgrim vs. the World') however those movies had at least a few redeeming qualities or were interesting/compelling in some small capacity, whether it be because of an actor or a stylistic choice.
The same cannot be said for 'PIRANHA 3D,' the latest horror flick from Alexandre Aja, who brought us 'The Hills Have Eyes' (unnecessary and unforgivably gruesome) and 'High Tension' (better). There are so many problems with this movie, I don't even know where to begin.
Aja needed to PICK A GENRE before he started shooting this film...and simply put, he never did. I hated 'The Hills Have Eyes' but at least the director knew it was a horror film. There was no sense that Aja was trying to create a comedy there. In fact, the horror grew to be excessive and depressing. In PIRANHA, he is unsure if he wants to scare the audience or make us laugh. Unfortunately, he does neither. Not one line of dialogue is funny or clever in the script to begin with, but on top of that the actors don't deliver the mediocre lines in any fun or interesting ways. And it's impossible for us to be scared because we can't even see what's going on. We see young spring-breakers jumping out of the water, blood everywhere, but we barely see the fish. Then when we do, we laugh, unintentionally, because 1) they are created terribly with CGI and 2) they are literal prehistoric creatures who arose from an underwater tremor FOR NO REASON. I would have preferred, and been more scared of, actual piranhas. Show me actual piranhas attacking people. Them shits are scary little sons-of-bitches. I don't need prehistoric piranhas attacking my springbreakers. I know some of you think that sounds 'badass,' but wait until you see these things. Laughable.
There is no excitement to be had in any scene. In fact, I went to the bathroom for five minutes towards the end and was more excited by having to find my way out of the theater in the dark. That was a more thrilling, fun, worthwhile adventure than anything on screen. Walking. To the bathroom. And peeing. Was more fun than this film. I'm serious.
The 3D is lame. There are some chuckles when we see 3D boobs and a 3D penis, but is a 3D penis worth $15? No, it comes and goes so quickly (as penises always do) but at least in life you don't have to pay $15 to see a penis. They come free when you date someone or just hook up with someone. What I'm saying is...go and hook up with someone, anyone - a boyfriend, a neighbor, a friend with benefits - instead of seeing this movie. You will be more fulfilled and have way more fun and it will be much cheaper. Even if it's disappointing, you didn't pay $15 for it (hopefully, unless you hooked up with a prostitute, which I'm not telling you to do).
Most interesting moment in the film features Christopher Lloyd channeling his "Back to the Future" character with a scientific explanation for the prehistoric piranhas. Does his character have a reason for existing... or does his speech make a lick of sense? Absolutely not. But hey, it's Christopher Lloyd. And I was listening to him because he spoke in a funny way. He should have been in 3D. Then maybe... just maybe... this movie would have gotten * 1/2 instead of *.
* it is.
This isn't really a comedy, like past films. It's more like a disaster monster horror film. It's a lot of fun and you get a really crazy all-star ensemble. Some more common actors, others not so much. There's a fee subplots and events going on around the main storyline. The film straight up ends on a cliffhanger, letting you know there is definitely going to be a sequel in the most direct way possible. I haven't seen any other film in the series, nor the original so it's hard to compare it or make comparisons.
As a standalone film, I'd watch this multiple times, it was an enjoyment and everyone should see it.