CANNONBALL - My Review of A BIGGER SPLASH (2 Stars) Ugh! The trailer for the remake of the 1969 French crime drama, LA PISCINE, promised sun-dappled Italian Villa nudity with a quartet of stars guaranteed to arouse folks of any persuasion. Sign me up, right? What director Luca Guadagnino (I AM LOVE) and writer David Kajganich (TRUE STORY, THE INVASION) deliver instead, while pretty and well-acted, is an interminable, predictable slog with some terrific moments here and there. Swinton plays Marianne Lane, a rock star recovering from vocal surgery on vacation with her documentary filmmaker boyfriend Paul (Matthias Schoenaerts). Their quiet idyll gets interrupted when Marianne's old flame and record producer, Harry (Ralph Fiennes), descends upon their village with the nubile, Lolita-esque daughter he never knew (Dakota Johnson) in tow. With the sun blazing and a seasonal wind kicking up, it won't be long before everyone strips down and passions ignite in every direction. Add alcohol and drugs and you know this isn't going to end well. Unfortunately, what could have been a bodice-ripping, sweaty good time descends into poolside ennui and a tone more reminiscent of a terrible Henry Jaglom film than the Euro-skinflick intended. Swinton, in a nearly silent performance, digs deep into her role, showing the complications of a woman at war with advancing age and the attention of two important men in her life. In an odd, too-precious development, Swinton apparently had the filmmakers add the vocal limitations to the script because she apparently had nothing she wanted to say. Luckily, what sounds like a "crazy actor" demand makes a lot of sense for this story, especially when Ralph Fiennes' performance is so aggressive. Deliriously chewing the scenery, Fiennes, perhaps from years of more formal roles, cuts loose as a music producer with a Rolling Stones tale for every occasion. In the funniest sequence, Fiennes crazily dances and sings along to "Emotional Rescue" resembling one of those inflatable car wash airdancers. Clearly he sees Paul as competition for Marianne's affections, so his overcompensating, manic energy makes sense. With this and THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL, Fiennes has really embraced his comedic skills, and it's a change I welcome. Johnson, for her part, exudes more raw sexuality and attitude in any given moment than she did in the supposedly combustible 50 SHADES OF GREY. The underwritten part, however, gives her little more to do than pout and seduce men by pulling down her sunglasses just so. She reminds me so much of her famous mother here when she broke out in the 1975 film NIGHT MOVES with Gene Hackman. Hopefully Johnson will get her WORKING GIRL moment too. Wait a minute, why hasn't some studio hack decided to reboot that film with Johnson in the lead? Oh wait, I know, because MARVEL or D.C. COMICS don't have a stake in it. But I digress. While I appreciate that this brand of European arthouse film got made in this day and age, I wish it were either shorter or had a little more meat on its bones. With sexually fluid characters such as these, you'd think things would develop into more experimental territory than a quick, up-the-skirt-how-do-you-do. By the time of the defining event of the 2nd act, I thought to myself, "Finally!" What follows is a listless investigation leading to an ambiguous, somewhat undercooked ending. Go for the performances, the lush cinematography by Yorick Le Saux, and the smoldering glances, but you may want to drink a LOT of coffee beforehand.