John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum
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"Humans bleed good. Humans bleed real good." ACTUAL QUOTE from Cybernator. My reaction? Facepalm.
Do you remember that scene from Apollo 13 where Ed Harris stops and says "What do we got on the spacecraft that's good?" That same logic applies to this movie. What do we got in this movie that's good? The answer. "I'll get back to you."
This movie is a retard soufflé. It's like merging two inane script ideas to form one ginormous megashat featureganda. The reason I say that is because at the 58 minute mark of the film they introduce a second story. The movie is 69.8% over already! (yes, I did the math) That's too late you sponge headed miscreants! Maybe at the halfway point, maybe. That is of course assuming that the second story is good like in Full Metal Jacket. However that is not the case with Cybernator. It reminds me of Grand Moff Tarkin's final edict to the Maw scientists. "The Death Star is terrible. Think of something worse. That is your reason for existence." Guess what Tarkie, they did think of something worse. It's called CYBERNATOR! (Ralphanader?)
The FIRST story goes like this. Bilgeface Pukepants (Brent McCord), our fearless hero police officer, walks into a strip club with his partner. He watches the performance of his girlfriend, BLUE, (your ma boy blue) and has a chat with her afterward about how he doesn't like the "BORGIES" standing in the doorway. At that point I had to take a quick laugh break. BORGIES? Like Victor Borge? Apparently he meant cyborgs; the racists call em BORGIES. Anyway it turns out his suspicion is confirmed when the BORGIES gun down some "well to do" type upstairs. What follows next is one of most brief and pathetic fire fights in movie history. So pathetic in fact that the only good guy who's hurt is Big Daddy Weave (Jim Weaver).
Then some important military dude is introduced and then promptly assassinated by cyborgs in 1 minute 49 seconds of screen time. That must be some kind of record. Can someone please check with Guiness?
Somehow we end up at a hospital where a doctor Veena? has some cyborgs on ice. In the background you can clearly hear the overused "Dr. Davis telephone please. Dr. Davis telephone please." sound byte taken directly from the Queensryche Operation Mindcrime album. What is funny about Veena you ask? She's black but she's trying to convince us that she's Indian by wearing large glasses and speaking with a very fake accent. (Insert every Wayne's World quote ever here) Then she shows Weave and McCord the bodies and says "It is my speculation that it is government property. Probably Army or something like that." So what does Bilgeface do? He takes her uneducated speculation as gospel and leaves convinced that these cyborgs were sent by the Army.
From there the plot just gets dumber. Big Daddy Weave questions some Army Major about the dead cyborgs. Then some random dude walks up to the two cops on the street and says he wants to meet to tell them what he knows. The problem is police captain Fiefer puts the kibosh on their plans by forbidding them to go to the meeting. He forbade them to go but they decided to show. (that rhymes) Big Daddy Weave pays the price for that decision with his life. McCord gets in a fight with the cyborg called Captain Hair which ends with El Capitan skulking away after he had dealt a serious blow to McCord. Wait what? Why didn't he finish off McCord? That don't make no sense y'all.
Ok, so then McCord chews out the Army Major dude, gets taken off the case by his captain, and goes home. He convinces Blue to help him go on a killing spree but not before they have some sweet McLovin. This sex scene is the haziest, foggiest, smokiest sex scene in movie history. Why is their bedroom so damn smokey? Regardless, I thought it was funny that McCord has more chest hair than Wolverine.
(Insert review writing intermission here) I stopped and took a break because I didn't want to think about Cybernator anymore. So I laid down on the floor and looked up at the ceiling when I noticed that the hallway light fixtures look a lot like Borg cube distribution nodes. So I wondered if I shot one with a phaser would the collective intelligence of the house stop to scratch? (End of intermission)
Once fully clothed McCord and Blue break into some office building where they find a file cabinet that has all of the cyborg info they could ever ask for. Then McCord gets the shock of his life when he finds out that ... HE IS A CYBORG!!! DUN DUN DUN! What? Really? Where are his cyborg parts then? Oh, they're conveniently hidden inside his body because he's a "Blackhawk" class cyborg. Whatever, what a bunch of BS. With this new knowledge in hand McCord runs away and exits a stairwell when he promptly gets SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND YOU'RE TO BLAME. Colonel Peck (played by Will Smith, NO not the one you're thinking of) says "I want him in my office in 5 minutes." I'm thinking "Isn't he dead?" Apparently he was just knocked out by the red laser gun that kills everyone else. But Major Payne refuses and instead takes him to his halfway house of mayhem.
The SECOND story begins when Bilgeface wakes up from his slumber with electrodes connected to various points on his body. He meets the doctor who created him initially and the Army Major who has been tasking him this whole time. DUN DUN DUN. It would seem that they made a bunch of cyborgs that they can't control and now they plan to extort McCord into helping them by threatening to kill his stripper girlfriend. McCord flip flops like a Democrat but eventually decides to help them because how else is he going to see his girlfriend again? Gee I don't McCord? Perhaps you could use the automatic rifle in your hands to shoot your captors IN THE FACE! Or you could do what they say for no good reason, which is what he decides. So he straps on a bunch of guns and walks out the door with killing cyborgs on the mind.
The ending is ... well ... retarded. Suffice it to say McCord cleans house with the rest of the cyborgs. Including one cyborg that knows kung fu whom he shoots like Indiana Jones from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Even though he does the Major's bidding he still feels the need to drive up in a sports car and steal Blue out of the house where she's being kept instead of asking for her back. Which is dumb. The end.
Should you ever watch this movie? Hell no. How did I know it was going to suck before hand? The box says Troma. Why did I watch it? It was recommended by someone who is no longer my friend. Why did I give it 1 star instead of half a star? Probably for the truck fight scene and the Captain Hair fight scene.
In terms of terrible, this is awesome!
an absolutely terrible shoestring budget sci-fi action cop film that's impossible not to love. ultimate party film. you're either going to love it or hate it, as all so-bad-it's-good movies go. i'm surprised this movie's even on dvd.