Da 5 Bloods
On the Record
I May Destroy You
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A bit of a mess from beginning to end which going by the description from the back of the case is completely miss-sold as a low budget 'Alien' rip-off when in fact it is nothing of the kind. Featuring B-movie regulars Maxwell Caulfield (Grease 2), Jeff Conaway (Grease/Babylon 5) and Tracy Scoggins (Babylon 5) and a slumming it Billy Dee Williams, this is tosh from beginning to end. The 'Alien' of the film is a VR 'slut' (Scoggins) who, whilst the crew of a rescue ship are in stasis, seduces each of them resulting in each of them attempting to kill the other. And thats about as sophisticated as this film gets, each characters VR world is different though largely set in the 'current' world, helping no doubt to keep an already slim budget down. Not even good with beer and pizza.
This movie is fun to watch. I had a great time watching Billy Dee act like a drunken tard and generally get in his own way. The story is unique and, actually, is not an outright crime against humanity. Which, considering the movies I've been watching recently, is a huge step up.
So, what he hell is it about? YES! A QUESTION I CAN ANSWER! It's about a bunch of hand picked convicts who accompany Billy Dee Williams into "G" sector to recover a derelict spaceship. Along the way they realize that their "need to know" mission is really about Billy Dee's space lust for a very mysterious vixen name Ariel. The troubling thing about Ariel is her origin. What the hell is she? Where did she come from? Why is she seducing men like an Odyssean siren? How can she appear in the magical land of silicon diodes and also in flesh and blood? Why, it's enough to FRY YOUR CORTEX!
Where does this movie succeed? It's a damn good time. People get shot, burned, tricked, and seduced to death! What makes it more fun is that it all takes place in what is supposed to be a spaceship but is actually just an empty warehouse. I'm sorry, in the distant future of 2022, we won't be using concrete and corrugated metal sheeting to build ships. It's just not in the cards. Before I go any further I have to mention something that really threw my mind for a loop. In this movie, all over the damn floor, are boxed in fluorescent tube lights. In the hallways of the ship they are placed about every 4-6 feet. So if you walk down the hall you constantly have to step up onto boxed in lights just to walk straight ahead. IT SO STUPID IT'S GREAT!
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the good stuff. This movie has some great ad lib dialog. "Quit yer bitch'n, get in yer pod." Might be one of the best lines I've heard all year. I'm also quite partial to "DANCE ON THIS!" as a response to the combat challenge "You wanna dance Borman? Let's dance!" For my money though I don't know if it gets much better than Billy Dee Williams threatening to "Fry your cortex." Genius.
One of the other great lines in the movie is something I completely forgot about until I looked at my notes. "Hey screw you Mancuzo. Oh you've got all the answers don't you? You win all my money in poker. And now, you shit on my fantasy! Hey you're slime!" Simply brilliant.
There are several other things about this movie that were very amusing. There was quite a bit of interstellar shotgun fire and flamethrower fire. I love the fact that they were too cheap to build a space set so they sent the them into "G" sector where there aren't any stars. I also love the fact that people smoke like fiends and drink Pabst Blue Ribbon 24x7 on board, even while on duty. But, mainly I just really enjoyed the fact that the computer said "Goodbye" before blowing up the ship. Polite until the very end, I love it.
So what didn't they get right? The SETS! They're just so damn cheesy. Although, in their defense, it looked like they had about $16.50 to make this movie with. If you watch closely you'll see all sorts of things that were just thrown against a wall or tossed on the floor to make it look like a spaceship instead of a hallway in an industrial complex. Also I thought a few of the "pleasure pod" fantasies were a bit tame. It's as though these typified space hooligans don't even know how to have a good time inside their own minds. Which, upon deeper reflection, is probably correct. Wait, what's this? Did I forget to mention the "pleasure pods?" Ok, so, it goes like this. In order to convince the convicts into coming on this mission instead of rotting away for eternity in their jail cells they had to sweeten the pot. So, they promised them that at 5 PM every Friday their weekends would officially begin. While off duty for the weekend they would each be allowed to experience a very personal encounter with the digital damsel of their dreams. All by way of the "pleasure pods" which is a term I made up to describe the pseudo-cryofreeze chambers in which they connect themselves to the virtual reality interface. "Quit yer bitch'n, get in yer pod." My displeasure stems from the poor choices made by the convicts. They could go anywhere and do anything with these virtual dames yet they chose to be cowboys, greasers, beach bums, and crime lords. Why not be ... THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD? Anything short of that is just a lack of trying in my opinion.
So yeah, what else? Oh, I know! How about the logic in this idea? A bunch of clandestinely reconnoitered prisoners go missing in deep space. What do you think the government's next action would be? WE MUST SEND A SEARCH PARTY AND MORE SHIPS TO FIND THEM!!! What? Why? They were just going to die anyway, who gives a flip about these felons? When this logic is presented as a defensible argument against Billy Dee's master plan my brain about popped. That makes no damn sense y'all.
So what am I really trying to say? I enjoyed this movie quite a bit. It's PM Entertainment at it's finest. I whole heartedly endorse watching this movie to kill 90 minutes any day. Check out these great scenes from Alien Intruder!
HI - I really liked this movie! I especially think Richard Cody is a hot tamale!!! Whatever happened to him anyways? Although I haven't seen him in a few years I'm sure he's even hotter now than he was back then. You know those actors that just get better and more handsome with age ... like Sean Connery? Ooohhh la la!!!
RICHARD CODY - WHEREVER YOU ARE THESE DAYS ... COME BACK TO THE SOLVER SCREEN YOUR FANS MISS YOU ... ESPECIALLY YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN - JJJ - BIG XXXXX's and Big OOOOOO's
mmmmmmmmmmmm .... can you feel the love?