Them" Good special effects and story. I wish critics would rate films up against other films in their category instead of putting them up against "Forrest Gump" or "The Godfather" I really loved this entertaining film!
So we start with a pretty decent CG intro of the Russian space station, we see some spiders inside the station and suddenly some asteroids hit the space station sending all sorts of pieces to earth....one happens to land on a movie set that looks like New York city in a subway station to be more precise, and wouldn't you know....Jason Cole...our hero...happens to be a transit supervisor....I am fearing Tommy Lee Jones in Volcano all over again. So Jason sends Jimmy our first victim to investigate what happened, Jimmy gets bitten by a spider that somehow survived re-entry and kills Jimmy...who later we find out now has spider eggs inside of him.
The spider now proceeds to attack rats and starts to multiply as these rats have eggs inside them and now we have a gremlins situation.
Jason our hero is divorcing Rachel, a woman with so much Botox on her face she looks like she had a face implant..and they have a kid that will serve no other purpose other than a plot point to keep these two people together for most of the movie.
blah blah blah blah Russian scientist ( I think ) shows up looking - and has a massive knowledge of these spiders...oohhh the US Army is plotting with this scientist......the spiders were injected with some sort of alien serum they discovered and the spiders were the only species that could handle it...and they want the spider queen because her web can create super bullet proof whatever and whoever controls that has a massive edge on war and the plot now has gone full on B-movie mode.
So the queen is born and she is out for a night on the town New York style, we learn that bullets can't hurt her, rockets from a helicopter can't hurt her, and a direct blast from a tank just barely pushes her back, we have SPIDERZILLA !!!! I gotta admit the scenes with the queen were pretty entertaining and seeing an army of spiders dispatch people had me smiling a bit.
Our Hero Jason of course has to rescue her daughter who is being chased by the queen and him being a transit supervisor....he uses a subway train to push the spider queen into a pipe line and burn her and every single spider out there.
But a small spider survives !!!! sequel...SEQUEL !!!!! whooo whoooo !!!! lol.
This one is not to be taken seriously, the humor comes from your participation making fun of this movie...I don't know if everyone is taking the material seriously as there are no funny moments in the movie, but that allows for countless opportunities to do riffing on this thing, great to watch at a party with a bunch of intoxicated friends.
What possessed me? What could have possibly entered my head to make me say "hey, this movie was directed by Tibor Takács, who hasn't made a watchable movie since 1987, and here we are twenty-five years later, so the obvious thing I should be doing right now is pressing play!"? I can't answer that question, but I can confidently report to you now that Spiders, Takács' latest piece of celluloid garbage, as just as accomplished as such timeless Takács classics as Mansquito (I actually own that one!), Ice Spiders, Mega Snake, and Meteor Storm.
Plot: the Soviets have been developing something on a space station, which meets disaster thanks to a stray meteoroid. (This scene looks remarkably like the space station being destroyed in the trailer for the upcoming Sandra Bullock film Gravity, to the point where I wondered if both used the same stock footage.) A piece of it crash lands in the New York City subway system, and the NY politicos send Jason (Starship Troopers' Patrick Muldoon, whose career has unfortunately not gotten any better since 1999), a middle-management subway muckety-muck, to investigate. He finds big holes and, more alarmingly, a few dead homeless folks who don't look like they got hit with debris. He digs some eggs out of one and takes them home to his wife Rachel (Drive Angry's Christa Campbell), who conveniently happens to be a scientist. Problem is, The former-Soviet geneticist who was in charge of the project before the Union was dissolved (Blade II's Pete Lee-Wilson) and his army handler (Aliens' William Hope) want those eggs...and they will stop at nothing, including kidnapping Jason and Rachel's daughter Emily (The Ward's Sydney Sweeney) and her hot babysitter (Conan the Barbarian's Shelly Varod) to get them.
If you've seen any two random Tibor Takács movies since The Gate, you know exactly what to expect here. (If you haven't, more power to ya.) Braindead script, shoddy camerawork, overdramatic soundtrack, you name it. Even those rare times when Takács manages to come up with crack cast members (the nadir of Ron Perlman's career was acting in Takács' Rats in 2002), he manages to pull the worst performances you've ever seen out of them, so with a cast like this, you know you're going to get glimpses of cheeseball glory. Problem is, even the glory is missing from this one, it's just dreary. Dumb, predictable, not even worth watching for the terrible special effects. Give it a miss. 1/2
"...offers an experience that's just exceptionally beyond worst. This was never a movie. It's boredom itself."