Conan the Barbarian Reviews
bottles with his teeth as he chews the face off the poor love interest. Some good scenes - the sand men were brilliant but about as durable as a geriatric aunt, for example - let down by poor direction leading to a tailing off of interest. Taken individually, some of the set pieces were great. But they mash up into a very unsatisfying whole.
Then uh....Ron Perlman too? Now? Again? I though he died giving birth to Conan, protecting Conan, but no now he's his uh, slave-master?
I'll keep watching just to have able to watch this movie once. Sat through Crash (the stupid one), etc. Only never finished yet is Solaris (Clooney one) since so utterly boring and pointless after the first 30-60 minutes.
This movie is ridiculous.
And even intro: magic mask empowered by virgins' blood that usurped Cimmeria or something but then got lost or something. Apparently this is important and will be important in this film for some reason. Still watching....still yawning....
And uh finished it I guess [not sure...just....that's not on now...]. Some action things.
I think the major reason I view this version sucking rather than the Milius version is of pace. Not just editing, but storytelling. And well thanks too Oliver Stone for writing that. And who wrote this shit version though? Or directed it with mind in idea of 700 edit jumps and 70,000,000 dollars on uh...well movies these days need CGI right?
And it didn't even follow any of the classic Robert E. Howard original books. Nor others such as Roy Thomas.
"I want to remake a former classic". "I will need 600 million dollars".
I still reguarly listen to the epic soundtrack by Basil Poledouris which is among the best soundtracks ever made.
This remake is a tepid, boring, and pale version of the original with an equally snooze-inducing soundtrack. There was no reason whatsoever to waste the film making this embarrasing remake.
Jason mamoa was a good Conan I think not just a dumb troll he does have a brain if you read the lore with a better director and writers it could have been a masterpiece many did not even give it a chance witch is probably why it flopped
Final rating:?? - Had some things that appeal to me, but a poor finished product.
Even that would be acceptable in a Conan flick, but the ending is abysmal. I mean, really, really stupid. I'm not spoiling anything to say the final battle involves a powerful evil witch who can summon demons and uses poison, yet she decides to duke it out with her fists before meeting her end, without a whiff of magic. And the MacGuffin for the whole movie, the super-powerful evil mask that will make it's wearer "a god", does absolutely nothing. The main villain has to duel it out with swords, and eventually just falls off a bridge. He doesn't even get stabbed.
It feels like the scriptwriters woke up one morning, realized their script was overdue, and whipped off the last few pages on the bus ride into work.